Exgf is telling more than just her bf I raped her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Forgot to mention that my exgfs sister in law said she had heard about the rape charge too, her friend that was with her said she had heard it too.

So 3 weeks ago her bf was abusing her and she begged me to rescue her from him? Even saying she was coming directly to my AA meeting alone to talk to me.

And I should care? Why?

So for those of you who wonder "when is it over?" Or "is it over?" My answer is, when we decide we've had enough!

Maybe they don't know they are lying?

Maybe their interpretation of reality, once possessed through their overwhelming emotions we get the version they believe in?

Either way, living with or dealing with someone this ill is dangerous and I couldn't do it, did I fail her? I'm not God!

[JerryRG]

Forgot to mention that my exgfs sister in law said she had heard about the rape charge too, her friend that was with her said she had heard it too.

So 3 weeks ago her bf was abusing her and she begged me to rescue her from him? Even saying she was coming directly to my AA meeting alone to talk to me.

And I should care? Why?

So for those of you who wonder "when is it over?" Or "is it over?" My answer is, when we decide we've had enough!

Maybe they don't know they are lying?

Maybe their interpretation of reality, once possessed through their overwhelming emotions we get the version they believe in?

Either way, living with or dealing with someone this ill is dangerous and I couldn't do it, did I fail her? I'm not God!

[Pretty Woman]

Jerry, this is why we need to stay the eff away from them. Take back YOUR life.

The best advice I ever received was this: "You think you are her rescuer. You want to save her after everything horrible she has done to you. What's wrong with this picture?
She survived before you and she will survive after you. BPD's are survivors. She will always be able to find a rescuer. Now is the time to figure out why you keep trying to save her and work on YOU. YOU are the one who needs saving. You have the ability to change, she doesn't and never will."

My BPD ex told me and others her previous ex's raped her. Months into our relationship she was calling one of these people for advice on how to wire an electrical socket.

Who calls their rapist for advice?

BPD's that's who. No one with a solid mind would do that. 

The other "rapist" was a woman who competed in the Transplant Olympics. This woman nearly escaped death only to be tormented by my ex. She lived with my ex for awhile and eventually my ex hooked up with another ex (mine is a recycler) and had this woman kicked out on the street, her ex the "recycled Knight in Shining Armour". Again, my ex pegged this woman as a rapist and later in our relationship described her as "one of the most beautiful people she's ever known".

?  

Might I add, I got dumped for the same recycler ex at one point in our union.

Jerry, there are exes weaker than we are. If you don't remove yourself she will continue to use you.

The hardest thing to grapple with in these relationships is that they never really existed. They did to us, but it was one-sided. The scary thing is once you are split black they believe the lies they are telling are real and to them, in that point in time, they are. This is why they are so dangerous. Restraining orders are filed and false charges. You have to be so careful when split black, try to detach as much as you can because gloves are off at this stage. They never see you as they did in the idealization stage and even if they seem like they do (when they need something) it's a false front. They will contact you when they need soothing, or need someone to play the role in their soap opera, but as soon as you do this they hate you.

You want to know why? Because you are a gullible sucker they can manipulate. They know this.

Now, Jerry I am not calling you personally a gullible sucker. This is a generalization to prove a point. Your ex likely contacted you to use you. Do you really think her ex is abusing her if you are being called a rapist by her and that isn't true?  It may not have been intentional, but she needed you to sooth. It's part of this sick, crazy effed up disorder.

You are a threat to her right now (if she is telling people you raped her). Anything you say or do makes you look to others like a threat.

It sucks and I feel horribly for you. You do NOT deserve this and I understand how you would be hurt and want to clear your name... .trust me I have been there. I work with people who think I am my ex's abuser, three years later! The best thing you can do for yourself is take the high road and ignore it. It's hard as hell to do this, I get that but completely ignore it. Anyone who believes this bs has their own issues (enabler, co-dependent, etc). You are better than this. You will see the more you do this, the more you master it, the stronger you become.

 

[C.Stein]

So for those of you who wonder "when is it over?" Or "is it over?" My answer is, when we decide we've had enough!

Have you had enough yet?

[JerryRG]

Thanks C. Stein

You are appsolutly right on every point and I thank God for you and this site. I used to be blind to her and my own behaviours and involvement in our relationship. Not anymore, her and I are crystal clear now.

Someone said, "There are no victum in relationships, only volunteers" Maybe? I know I'm not going to be lead on or fooled again.

Yes I've had enough and I'm done. Sister in law has always been honest and on my son's and my side. I'm grateful that some people in her family choose to be honest.

The remarkable thing is that her behaviour is so obvious now, she's text book BPD, and because of her actions I know what to do and not do and also what to expect in the future.

My sponsor would always get upset with me for being surprised at my exgfs behaviour, she is predictable and I'm informed and educated, if I get hurt in the future I can only place blame on myself.

I know some in these rooms want answers and closer and I did too, thankfully I've talked to all the parties involved and everything is playing out exactly like it told me. I guess I've accepted the truth, my exgf is BPD, no dought, I just need to remember the truth

Thanks again C. Stein

[C.Stein]

So what are you going to do to make it stick this time?  How are you going to handle her dysfunction next time?

[JerryRG]

As of this last week, she's been telling everyone she don't have a phone so she's unable to text, email or try to call me.

The silence has been awesome, but I know this will change. I am determined to be a "gray rock" or "robot" if and when she does need to communicate with me.

I won't engage her emotionally and I will us BIFF.

I won't try to defend myself or participate in any discussion other than our son.

I won't believe her lies, I will remember who she is, what she's capable of and protect my son and myself from her disorder.

I forgot to mention the rape accusation, my exgf wanted to go stay with a guy who lived a long distance from where I live, this was when we first met, I asked her about this guy friend, she said "oh it's just this guy who raped me and he wants me to come stay with him a while"

Yep, and I looked the other way

[C.Stein]

You say this, which is great!

I won't believe her lies, I will remember who she is, what she's capable of and protect my son and myself from her disorder.

But then you say this.

I forgot to mention the rape accusation, my exgf wanted to go stay with a guy who lived a long distance from where I live, this was when we first met, I asked her about this guy friend, she said "oh it's just this guy who raped me and he wants me to come stay with him a while"

Yep, and I looked the other way

Do you see a problem here?

[JerryRG]

I was responding to what your ex did, and the reality is fact, I cannot allow myself the luxury of forgetting what my exgf is capable of and what she's done to me and others.

I'm not focused on these events, for some reason they are forever burnt into my mind because of the pure insanity of them.

What else am I doing wrong? I'm listening.

I've explained to my exgf that I would never be in a relationship with her again.

[C.Stein]

I'm not focused on these events, for some reason they are forever burnt into my mind because of the pure insanity of them.

What else am I doing wrong? I'm listening.

But you are still focused on these events and bothered by them.  Perhaps instead of writing about the things she has done, which in effect is focusing on them, write instead about ways you can get away from the toxicity.

I know how hard it is to not internalize this stuff.  It hurts and I for one do not handle well being accused of something I did not do.  Focus on methods you can use to not become entangled in the toxic mess that is your ex.

[JerryRG]

You are right, I have the memories still fresh in my mind and eventually they will fade. The things I've seen and heard are so crazy and unexplainable and I'm sure they will remain a mystery. Is this what people are looking for when they ask for closure?

I could ask my exgf as I have in the past but she would only shrouded her behaviours with more shadows.

I spoke with a friend after my AA meeting today, he said he was in a serious relationship with a disordered person and he hung on to the memories of the trauma and chaos for a long time after it was over.

I used to wonder why my dad drank alcohol when it did nothing but cause him misery, why my mother smoked after a heart attack, bypass surgery and gaining her life back and her health.

I just have a natural curiosity as to why people make choices that injure themselves as I have and still do.

Being with a pwBPD makes no sense on any level for them or me. Trying to understand kept me stuck and it wasn't any of my buisness anyway.

I used to feel guilty because I couldn't understand and therefore couldn't help others. I've learned that I can only help myself and those who really want to change.

My guilt is fading, and it only gets a boost from my exgf saying horrible lies about me. Then again I know she's lying.

My son shouldn't have to live with the idea that his father raped his mother. That is something he may hear when he's older and I can only pray that she's well enough by that time to stop this insanity and realize her words hurt everyone, even unintended targets are wounded.

[Dutched]

My son shouldn't have to live with the idea that his father raped his mother. That is something he may hear when he's older and I can only pray that she's well enough by that time to stop this insanity and realize her words hurt everyone, even unintended targets are wounded.

O, O, JerryRG, my empathy and hugs to you!

Seen many post from you in which I recognize your very strong (emotional) memory.
It is an advantage but in these situations a burden that must be released and transformed into just a memory.
A hell of a job, I know.   

However you received many great answers and were asked many good questions.
You gave answers that showed great insight in your thinking and the progress you made.
Take a few hours to over think how proud you are allowed to be!

There are 2 issues remaining, yes, only 2…

# Stick by all means (we all know how difficult it is!) to your own answers/promises and start implementing them
Use them, like communicating in BIFF only. 
   Ex keeps behaving like:  I am vulnerable, rescue me! – don’t you dare to interfere in my life!
   See that behaviour! Ex is not separated… is still attached… using you as … (fill it in…)

# Your SON is issue 2 and… YOUR most important motivator!
So DO IT for your son, give all you have to give to him!
He NEEDS you, as you are the only one who can give it to him!

Don’t let your son, the most treasured possession you have(!), be collateral damage with life long emotional consequences!
Your son will be poisoned by his mother before you are aware of it in your emotional state.
When you continues to communicate with his moms as you do, his mom will heat up her fire to get back to you in one way or the other.
The best way is to hurt you is via what you treasure the most… your son!
Her victory results in the psychological destruction of your son! 
  That was issue 2.

I posted this today in another topic, please read it and let it motivate to do it for YOUR SON.

Medea, the Greek mother in the play of Euripides. A story of intense love turned into deep hate that she killed her kids in order get back at her husband for betraying her.
A dialogue go’s as:
Jason (husband): you loved them and killed them
Medea: to make you feel pain.
 
From: THE MEDEA COMPLEX AND THE PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME:
When Mothers Damage their Daughter's Ability to Love a Man. Robert M. Gordon, Ph.D.

A psychodynamic model of severe divorce pathology views the Medea mother as "narcissistically scarred, embittered dependent woman... .(who) ... .attempts to severe father-child contact as a means of revenging the injury inflicted on her by the loss of a self-object, her hero-husband." The idea is that the Medea mother is so dependent that she cannot deal with the loss, and thus holds on with hate. Her love turned to hate is so passionate that she destroys that which intimacy between them produced. The hate goes beyond her instinctive need to protect her own children. Medea must make the father suffer more than she suffers for it to be a punishment with revenge and make him feel pain

[bunny4523]

 C<|||Jerry

Have you tried just journaling all the things that happened so then you can "delete" them from your mind? 

I understand your point of trying to process all that happened to get closure but with ex BPD partners, it feels like a merry go round.  Things don't make sense, it's hard to wrap it up.  What I did and I hope this helps for you... .think about it but don't try to make sense of it, write it down- write LIE next to it... .then let it go.  The next time it pops into your head, do not give it any more thought... .She is ill.  There is no logic explanation that you will understand. 

Now your talking when you said ... ."I just have a natural curiosity as to why people make choices that injure themselves as I have and still do." That is where I'd like to see you focus. 

"Being with a pwBPD makes no sense on any level for them or me." <EXACTLY>
"Trying to understand kept me stuck and it wasn't any of my buisness anyway."  <IT DOES KEEP YOU STUCK SO PUT ENERGY INTO STOPPING THAT>

"My guilt is fading, and it only gets a boost from my exgf saying horrible lies about me. Then again I know she's lying."  <MAYBE THINK ABOUT THIS ONE AND TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHY THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU> I mean if you ran into a homeless guy on the street and he started shouting in front of everyone how you stole from him and raped his girlfriend... .you would know it isn't true and probably defend yourself very little but quickly remove yourself from the situation.  You can do that in this situation too... .remove yourself from being around the people that talk about these lies.

"My son shouldn't have to live with the idea that his father raped his mother. "  <JERRY - This is truely horrible but you cannot take this responsibility on yourself... .it is her issue not yours.  Let her explain how there were no charges pressed, you didn't go to jail... .try and take the emotion out and when the time arises present the facts IF your son asks you about it.  Sorry you even have to deal with this one.

Bunny

[JerryRG]

Thank you bunny4523

I so appreciate your words of wisdom and your encouragement. I know what to do, I just don't do it, I'm stubborn and want things my way. The same is true about many other things in my life.

I'm told to work to get well, I get lazy and don't take care of myself then complain when I'm sick.

Thank you for pointing these things out, I keep repeating the same mistakes.

And thank you Dutched

I know that my exgf tried keeping me out of our sons life and I would still be shut out if she were able to care for him. I believe she would rather have her bf than our son, and she would lose everything if she lost my child support.

The strangest thing to understand is knowing just how sick she is yet I'm able to deny it and stay involved. This is why I truly believe my foo issues come in play, my mother sexually abused me, and used narcissistic behaviours to control me emotionally so in some way I had to accept she was my mother, caretaker even though she was unloving, unhealthy and extremly abusive, I had no choice but to accept both scenarios. Splitting my parents was my survival skill.

I was doing this with my exgf, as horrible as she was I stayed and hoped for her to change.

I hope this explains it?

[Herodias]

"Have you tried just journaling all the things that happened so then you can "delete" them from your mind? ".  This does help-  I have been writing it all down. It's like I want to remember because it's too crazy to forget! Jerry, you can't worry about the future today. Your Son will understand in time. Try not to create drama around him so he had s chance to be normal. You are still running around putting out fires. You have to try and stop. It's keeps you tangled up in the mess. She is not going to get better... .She has to hit rock bottom to want help. You know this. It's hard to focus on ourselves because we would rather tell everyone how wrong the other person is so we feel better about us, but we are not healthy in a different way. We were so caught up in drama that life seems dull without it... .You have to start to try and control it. We all know it's wrong what is happening to you, but how does that help? I'm finally calming myself. So much that I am so bored! It has to be this way for me right now and I know it. I am accepting I was caught up in a real mess. I'm so glad my life isn't being threatened any more, I'm not being lied to or cheated on and I have no fear of him twisting things around that could put me in jail. We have to be glad we are out - be grey rock with her. No reactions/ let her get her supply of drama and sympathy from her boyfriend. Keep the peace... .You can do it.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias

There are times I want to walk away.

Her mother sent this text a few nights ago... .

Grandma
Just keep doing what u r doing... .(son) needs u

Me
I'm not God

Grandma
No but to (son) u r close

I'm still angry at how I worshipped my dad, and how I gave up on him when I was so young, and I gave up on life. I was 7

And now I have the opportunity to change my son's world and his belief in all fathers.

It's all right in front of me, each choice I make, no matter how insignificant it may seem, affects my son's life.

I went from giving up to realizing how important I am to one little boy.

Life is so ironic, don't tell me God don't have a sense of humour.

At the end of the day, only our choices and ultimately our actions matter. And I am 100% accountable, there is no place to hide. Once I became a man, it all changed.

[Turkish]

I know that my exgf tried keeping me out of our sons life and I would still be shut out if she were able to care for him. I believe she would rather have her bf than our son, and she would lose everything if she lost my child support.

In all that you have written,  despite the horrible accusations like rape,  I don't see the Madean Witch Mother here,  though the myth is certainly something to keep in mind. It may be a valid take on parental alienation,  regardless of gender.

 I see a mother unable to cope and either lashing out to hurt, or reaching out for a rescue.  What you've been posting recently,  I see the latter: a Waif.  You  resent this,  given the past accusations.  I would,  too.

It has,  however, resulted in you having more time with your son.  Despite your frustration, this is a good thing,  yes? 

However,  this has resulted in you having more time with your son.  You're taking steps emotionally and legally (yes?) to secure these things.  By focusing on your r/s with your son,  that will speak for itself if the rape allegation ever does come up.  Though you aren't responsible for her feelings, 

[JerryRG]

Thank you Turkish

She's definitely the waif type

And someone asked why I allowed false alligation bother me?

Maybe because I took the blame for my dad's drinking and my mother's misery from a very early age? I was the blame for my families troubles and my siblings joined in because they had anger about what was really going on and because of all the blame and denial and dysfunction.

Wasn't anyone's fault my dad drank but my father made bad choices, same with my mother and sister and brothers. I just didn't know then what I know now.

There was a great deal of anger and frustration and someone had to take the blame

I still have a habit of blaming myself out of obligation and it is a form of control as well.

Old habits can be broken, new ideas can be accepted. All I ask for is truth, about me and others so I can make my best choices and live the life I've always wanted.

The truth shale set you free... .

[Sadly]

Hi Jerry
The truth shall set you free. Yep, and you have to let it be your truth, you know what happened and what the truth is. So be free, cos you can want until the cows come home but she won't see it or say it any differently, however much it hurts or angers you.

YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, Yes? Then be free sweetheart. If people look at you with doubt in their eyes, hold your head up proudly and let them look. THEY DO NOT KNOW THE TRUTH, OK, they believe a lie.
Only you can set you free, she is not capable.

I don't know if you do sky lanterns where you live but this is a good thing to do. Write on a label and attach to lantern" I did not rape her, and anything else you want to be rid of " then light it and set it free, watch it disappear and burn until you see it no more. There, it is gone. Simplistic maybe, symbolic definitely but try it. Nothing to lose 

Love from Sadly xx

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sadly

I admire your giving heart, you are living proof of a heart that was wounded yet still has compassion and still continue to give to others.

I will consider the lanterns

Have a wondeful day xxx

[C.Stein]

I will consider the lanterns

Instead of lanterns I might do something like writing it down on a piece of paper then flushing it down the toilet.  This way you aren't polluting and it is kind of poetic in a way, in that you are flushing all that toxic waste she is generating down the toilet.

[JerryRG]

Great idea C. Stein

I believe this may help me.

I'm having a good time texting my son's grandmother this morning, discussing vacations spots. She's a neat lady.

She told me a few months ago she thought I was bipolar, ummm no I'm diagnosed depression, PTSD and used to have panic attacks. (3 years of pa)

I told her that being around her daughter would make anyone appear depressed and or crazy.

Then I remembered something I read that put my situation in perspective and I still laugh when I read it.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by as#holes."

So true