Integrating all of the pieces.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all. I'm curious how all of you have gone about feeling comfortable with the fact that your relationship actually happened... .and that it's a part of you for good.

These days I find myself painting my ex black more often than not. It holds me back. I heard some things from a mutual that gave me a bit of closure a couple months ago, but also makes me feel very angry at times (ex was talking to other men well before the relationship ended, then continued to lie about it to preserve a friendship after the fact). I sensed how fake it was—some of you have seen me talk about this—but didn't know why. I am NC and plan on keeping it that way. There is nothing left to salvage.

I feel good generally (or rather, I don't feel bad), but its like there's a wall there. Fundamentally, it's like I can't relate to the world in meaningful ways at times. Frankly, I don't know what the problem is. Perhaps this is just an adjustment that will take some time to embrace.

Any words?

[valet]

Hello all. I'm curious how all of you have gone about feeling comfortable with the fact that your relationship actually happened... .and that it's a part of you for good.

These days I find myself painting my ex black more often than not. It holds me back. I heard some things from a mutual that gave me a bit of closure a couple months ago, but also makes me feel very angry at times (ex was talking to other men well before the relationship ended, then continued to lie about it to preserve a friendship after the fact). I sensed how fake it was—some of you have seen me talk about this—but didn't know why. I am NC and plan on keeping it that way. There is nothing left to salvage.

I feel good generally (or rather, I don't feel bad), but its like there's a wall there. Fundamentally, it's like I can't relate to the world in meaningful ways at times. Frankly, I don't know what the problem is. Perhaps this is just an adjustment that will take some time to embrace.

Any words?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm curious how all of you have gone about feeling comfortable with the fact that your relationship actually happened... .and that it's a part of you for good.

And how about part of you for the good?

I went through the chaos, the uncertainty, the stress of the relationship, like all of us, it finally got so bad I bailed, and I thought I was out of the woods, but the hardest part for me was many months after I'd left her, when the fog had cleared and the reality of what had happened, what I'd been through, what I tolerated, it all hit me like a slap in the face, not good at ALL, like What the heck?  So that pain, confusion and regret, really nothing to do with her at that point, served as motivation to a period of growth I am now grateful for.  In fact I was thinking today about who I "was" just 2 years ago, and it astounds me now the belief system I was running then, mostly about who I am, so disempowering, warped really, and I consider noticing the difference proof of growth.  So yeah, I'm glad it happened, not what I wanted at the time, or ever, but turns out it was what I needed.  And when I think of her, which isn't often, the feelings are neutral.

Fundamentally, it's like I can't relate to the world in meaningful ways at times.

What does that mean valet?  Are you relating to yourself in meaningful ways?  Is it an identity thing, you're still finding the way to the new you or the you you want to be?  There was a time for me where I'd let go of the past and her but I hadn't embraced a future yet, so I felt like I was stuck in a limbo of the present, living in the moment for sure, but moment to moment, floating really.  It didn't feel especially good but apparently it was necessary and I finally decided I just needed to do that, a decompressing from the stress of the prior few years, Netflix and Ben and Jerry's were my best friends for a while, it was what it was... .

[valet]

And how about part of you for the good?

I agree with this. It is ultimately a good experience. Tough self-love I suppose. Sometimes you have to really see a true mess so that you don't make as many in the future. I've learned a lot—become a much more patient, understanding, self-driven person.

What does that mean valet?  Are you relating to yourself in meaningful ways?  Is it an identity thing, you're still finding the way to the new you or the you you want to be?  There was a time for me where I'd let go of the past and her but I hadn't embraced a future yet, so I felt like I was stuck in a limbo of the present, living in the moment for sure, but moment to moment, floating really.  It didn't feel especially good but apparently it was necessary and I finally decided I just needed to do that, a decompressing from the stress of the prior few years, Netflix and Ben and Jerry's were my best friends for a while, it was what it was... .

I'd say that this is where I'm at right now. It is difficult for me to get excited about the future. I don't even particularly look forward to football games on Sundays. The hype doesn't exist like it did in the past!   And I love football... . 

And this is new to me. Even a good year or so after the relationship I felt like I had my full range emotions. Now, I find that I am disconnected from them about as often as I am not. It is kind of disturbing, but things have improved over the last fews weeks. I had an interesting day today. Took a short nap after work in the morning and experienced a big rush of things. This has been happening, almost as if my internal sensing structures are all haywire and they work when they want to. It is generally in waves: a few good days where I feel really wonderful and connected to my environment, then a few more of the muted ones. I think it is really just my brain healing from any unresolved trauma. I embrace my emotions when I feel them. I just wish that I could feel them a little more. They used to be so bright!

Hopefully it is something similar to what you experienced. I've never felt this off... .even during the worst times with my ex. I'm being as patient with myself as I can, but it is super frustrating at times!

[valet]

To answer the questions in your second paragraph directly: I don't know exactly what it means. I am not relating to myself in meaningful ways. I try, but that spark is often missing. That excitement that comes with a new idea, that   going off. It is, more than likely, that I am not being the person that I want to be. I am running through the motions. Accomplishing a lot. I am involved in my community. I have enriching friendships and have pruned away most of those that don't serve me in positive ways. But it lacks meaning sometimes. So I guess this could be considered an identity thing, although I don't consciously identify with the times where I was with my ex. That seems unrecognizable almost, from another life that might as well have not been mine.

[Herodias]

This is so odd that you posted this, because you're both talking about basically the same thing I have been feeling and what I just posted my thread about... , it is like floating through life without any thing that is exciting. I know it's better that way since we had our fill of drama, but it leaves me feeling unfulfilled some how. I can relate to your being friends with Ben and Jerry too, I can't seem to find my passion- I'm writing some and doing photography. I've actually thought that maybe I could take some psychology classes or it's been recommended that I get involved with the domestic violence groups/ I just don't know. I would love to let this all go away and start having fun in my life, but it's hard to have a party with one person- yourself! So sad... , I have chosen bad friends in my life too. Starting life over... .Valet, it sounds great you are involved in your community. Sometimes I think I feel left out because I don't have kids but I'm  at the age they would be gone anyway. And I think that is just what my ex was trying to make me feel bad about myself as well. I can't let it get to me. What to do - what to do. If I was only rich... , I'd be traveling to places I know... .

[patientandclear]

Yes, I completely relate. The best metaphor I can think of is that it is as if my nerve endings were singed. It is hard to feel anything deeply. I am competently going through the motions (which I am not taking for granted, as for a long time I did not think that was going to be possible again), but the deeper meaning I used to attach to various aspects of my life is just not there.

For now. I've never kept going past this point without contact with my person with BPD. Perhaps more time will actually allow my capacity to feel to return. Oddest thing, isn't it?

[Herodias]

Maybe this is the having CPTSD part... .don't soldiers coming back from war feel this way? This must be part of it... .

[valet]

I think it is definitely an effect of the push/pull dynamic. I take responsibility for my part in that. I know better now.

It could be PTSD. I've already come to terms with that possibility.

What really hurts is when I opened up to her about how I was feeling about our friendship and she said 'I don't owe you ___.' This was about 2 months ago, and it caused the chain reaction that led to me finding out what she had been untruthful about. It's true, I don't owe her anything, although I never had that expectation nor did I express it. It was her in fact, that told me countless times after we split that she 'owed me more than I will ever know.'

Honestly, I didn't like how distant our friendship felt. Me opening up about my feelings was just another way for her to try and control the situation—and me by extension. She couldn't mediate the conflict in her mind. It was me that had to be wrong, no matter what. So she invented an alternate narrative in her mind to make that possible.

I've talked to some friends about this. Most have gradually taken my side, but is still an uphill battle in my own head. At times I want the whole world to know how emotionally abusive she was, how horribly she neglected my emotions and cut and run when things started to get a little tough, but there's no amount of shouting that will make people agree. They either know better or they don't.

I might have said I wish her well on these boards in the past. But right now I don't. That is laughably far from my perspective now. I am a kind and generous person. I want that to be reflected back my way, and when it's not with someone whom you've shared so much with it really does alter your reality, or it least it has in my case.

[enlighten me]

I can relate. Its been over two years since I split from my uBPD exgf. About two years since I learnt about BPD just under two years since I realised my ex wife was most likely BPD. The world just doesnt seem the same. Its not an exciting place and I thinks its because my exs killed love or at least killed my notion of love.

[elfyguy]

Hi valet,

At times, I think what a waste those 6 years were. I would have loved if she broke up sooner with me. I also think of how little character development I made during those 6 years, because I was so focused on her. On a positive note, she managed to save me. The suffering I felt after the breakup allowed me to grow and meaningfully introspect. Perhaps I wouldn't have crossed this barrier if it wasn't for dating a borderline.

I still love my ex, and I'll probably love her all my life. However, my love for her now is not the addictive kind. I love that I got to know her and share my life with her. I love the person she is - a kind person, who is struggling. I've been receiving emails from her place of employment, asking that I be her referral. I delete those emails but I did have difficulty coming to a decision. I've worked with her in the past and I know she's capable. Nonetheless, I refuse to lie anymore for her. Under the relationship section, I refuse to put anything other than ex-boyfriend. So, I'd rather just delete it. I'm in NC with her and I don't feel a need to contact her. Am I angry with her? Slightly. I've been getting in touch with my anger more which has helped me quite a lot.

I don't know if this'll help but thought I'd share valet.

[bestintentions]

Valet - good question/thread.  I, too, feel as if I've floated through life the past three months since the discard.  As many of us are caretakers, we likely grew to be even better problem solvers too.  For me, this has definitely gotten in the way of patience with myself and going through this process.  I work in IT, so my job requires pretty constant analytical thinking.  No matter the methods I've tried so far, there's no button to click to go through this pain and growth.  I've given up on trying to be happy every day and just try to accept my thoughts and feelings as they come and hope for the best as time passes.

[amsheehy]

I can relate. Its been over two years since I split from my uBPD exgf. About two years since I learnt about BPD just under two years since I realised my ex wife was most likely BPD. The world just doesnt seem the same. Its not an exciting place and I thinks its because my exs killed love or at least killed my notion of love.

I think this is the part that has been so painful and left me feeling numb and/or shut down at times.  My notion of love has been so corrupted and damaged and leaves me wonder what, if anything, was real or genuine.  And it's this - the wondering and uncertainty - that has left me in this sort of limbo and questioning  my own definition of what love is. 

Because if I take a step back and look at everything that was done and how much crap I was willing to put up with, the constant lying, the horrible cycles, etc, I start to think of how unhealthy things always were, which leads me to believe that somehow the love I had was also unhealthy or deformed in some way.  It's crazy how much we all start to question ourselves and the reality we live in and what we understand when involved with a pwBPD.

[valet]

Thanks for all of replies. Very good responses so far.

A lot of this for me is trying to see through my feelings and realize that these are cyclical behaviors. I'm guilty of making this all about me at times. I lose focus on the idea that she has unhealthy approaches to imtimacy and is impulsive. I've seen this is the long list of replacements since the relationship ended. This thread has been a good reminder that it was not me causing most of the insanity. There is nothing I can do anymore but give myself as much distance as possible.

Fairy tales are what they are for a reason. I've noticed changes in myself. When I see people with those traits I find it unnattractive now. The real work, however, is to remember that it I am allowing her space in my head. That can't happen anymore. So time to refocus once again.

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been almost six years since our r/s ended. It's a little hard to believe I drop back in here from time to time.

My strategy, like yours, is to keep moving forward and to stay as far away from her as possible. Luckily it isn't that hard due to her social anxiety and distance from me. We're on the opposite sides of a large city.

How do I feel though? It varies between anger and compassion for her. Sometimes I'm upset because of the time I spent with her and believed it was actual, true love. I thought that was how she felt, too. Other times I feel bad for her because I could see up close just how much she suffered. I think it's somewhat natural and  human to want to feel compassion. It's harder for me, anyway, to walk away from someone I know is hurting. Some people just hurt though, and hurt others.

Overall, I've moved forward really well. It's not something I dwell on. I understand we weren't healthy for each other and it had absolutely nothing to do with me except for my willing participation at the time. I was a very good partner. Some people may not necessarily be evil, but they just might not be good for relationships of any kind. I'm not sure exactly what you call that... .just maybe someone you stay away from until they prove themselves or win the lottery. Life is full of good things and full of tragedies too. If it wasn't for the bad, we wouldn't know how good the good stuff is. As time has gone by it's gotten easier to just accept and not even really think about it. The sting isn't there any more. I think some things will always make you feel a little sad or emotionsl. It's just the human part of us.