The subject of recycles...

[Herodias]

I was listening to an interesting lecture on psychopathy... .they said that it is normal for people to lose their memory of bad and/or disturbing events the further they are in the past. Event's such as 911 or hurricanes or tornados become something of a distant memory with less impact on your emotions as they were in the beginning when they happened. I think people with personality disorders realize this more than we do. My ex told me that we could always get back together one day... .even if we got divorced. He said too much had happened right now when we were talking about the possibility. I wonder if this is why they check in occasionally to see how we are doing emotionally and if we still remember all of the bad? If we ignore them or are still angry, they know it is too soon. If we actually talk to them, they think we may let them back in to our lives in some way... .like mine asking me if I want to be his babies Aunt... .One of his emails was trying to see if I had sympathy for him now that he had a child... .when I didn't react how he wanted, he said "thank you, this is what I needed". Maybe he meant "needed to know" which was that I wasn't interested in being with him with someone elses baby!  They really are something!

[joeramabeme]

Herodias

Good thread, well written.

Was thinking about an adjunct of this today; how my ex uBPD worked against what she really wanted; intimate and trusting relationship.  In my thoughts, I was wondering what was the one thing I would have changed about her if I could have (in order for the marriage to work) and my answer was to allow herself to be vulnerable.

As this relates to your post, as you say, it is almost like a feeler they are putting out - is it safe?   Will you trust me?  It is as if they are projecting that lack of safety and trust back onto the question itself - will you be my babies Aunt.  That is a question you ask of someone that you feel trusting of, loving towards and a closeness or desired closeness to.

It really is something!  I will never fully understand it from their POV but I think I get the gist of feeling unlovable and then trying to reach out to others for validation while never being able to absorb or integrate the responses into the psyche.

In a backwards kind of way, I see the question as flattery for you given that there must be some warm feelings to want to engage you in that capacity.

JRB

[Herodias]

Thanks JRB, I suppose I could look at it that way. I think he knew I was always there for him and saved him from many situations. I also paid for allot. I was like his Mother. I sure he would like to have me in his life in some way. I was a good "supply" to him as they say. At this point, I am sure he thinks his babies momma has filled that position. I would bet she triggers him more than I ever did, especially when this all breaks down. The baby changes things up, since he actually said, "she is the Mother of my child"... .but she is a self admitted feisty young woman. She actually worked in a detention center. It would be interesting to know how that all goes down. He told me that things would have worked out different for us if I had not miscarried  our baby... .nice! I told him no, it would not have been different. He is a cheater and always will. He even told me he was afraid to marry her due to the future women. Trust me, this guy is very insightful... .he has had lots of therapy. It just taught him how to be more manipulative unfortunately. Thanks for making me feel a bit important in his life as I was once the queen on a pedestal and then thrust aside when he didn't like me telling him what to do and not to do... .I guess they do expect us to love them like a parent does. Always be there... .no matter what. I guess they have lessons to learn too.

[joeramabeme]

He told me that things would have worked out different for us if I had not miscarried  our baby... .nice! I told him no, it would not have been different.

So sorry to hear that he said that, really is so unkind and unfair.  But that seems to also be part of the projection; we still would have been together, but it is your fault.  So deeply immature and lacking any insight into the depth of the words he speaks (even with therapy).  They may be more conniving with knowledge - but the slashing-words comes from a place of pure ignorance.

I guess they do expect us to love them like a parent does. Always be there... .no matter what. I guess they have lessons to learn too.

Interesting point here.  In my case I believe both she and I were looking for parents.  Me to soothe my wounds and her to have someone to push away who would kneel at her feet and beg her to stay thereby proving they are wanted and important.  And even though I tried, she would never be satisfied because she could not put the pieces together.

All these story lines are complex.  Humanity is deep and powerful below the surface - so many forces working in multiple directions.  I used to think that I was wise and smart enough to save her from herself; I am not.  Nor am I the soccer ball that deserves to be kicked down the field because she doesn't feel good enough. 

Despite all these underlying emotional currents, there remains a certain part of humanity that can't be erased.  The need to feel loved and wanted.  Sadly, I think that is what my ex really wanted and just had a blind spot the size of Utah that prevented her from seeing the problems of her own making and me too thinking that though she was clearly communicating she was unavailable, I could get her to see that she was. 

JRB

[Confused108]

When my ex came back into my life after over 25 years I told her all the crap she did to me as 14yo teens. She of course denied everything. Saying come on your lying! I never did that! It was her way of trying to erase our past and start fresh. But she did remember  what she did to me back then. I feel that they lie about not remembering things especially how and what they do to us so they can start with us again. I of course had no idea how sick my ex really was until I let her back in romantically. Now if she were to ever return I would be showing her the door real fast!

[joeramabeme]

I feel that they lie about not remembering things especially how and what they do to us so they can start with us again.

IDK, is it that they are starting with us again or just continuing with themselves?  To me it is all a continuation of the same problem with multiple extreme manifestations.  In some ways, claiming that YOU lied, is just a different variant of projection - I didn't do that, must be you making it up.  All of these behaviors just seem to add up to avoidance of the unwanted feelings and disassociation from actions and behaviors that indicate something is wrong in order to protect the injured part of the psyche that just cant deal with it all.

At least that is how I read it.