Self respect and open warfare

Sorry, posted this on the wrong thread. already copied and pasted to other.

Hey FF. I am going to respond as a child of a UBPD mother who was very similar to how your wife sounds. I will admit to being very surprised that it took about 5 pages of the other thread before someone actually wrote about the effect of these situations on the kids. I am disappointed that the kids were only brought into the discussion as a way of proving the points being made and not as a primary concern from the beginning. Yes, the focus changed... .eventually. I am floored that not one person, either with kids of without kids has commented about the following:

1) When you got home, you heard your wife speaking to the kindergartner with a booming voice. You then proceeded to leave the home, leave the children in the care of a woman who is speaking to them in a manner you will not accept for your own self and seem to think you are teaching the kids proper behavior. If that tone is abusive and unacceptable for an adult (that would be you FF) it is abusive and unacceptable for a child to be talked to in that manner. It is unacceptable to remove yourself from such a situation and leave the kids with her. IMNSHO of course.

2) at some point in the original thread (I think) you mentioned that you were setting a boundary and teaching the kids that your wife's behavior is unacceptable. Well, as a kid of, I can tell you that the kids are quite possibly viewing you as abandoning them to the rages of your wife. this is something I have read in some of your other threads (such as when she is raging and you lock yourself in a room) as well as threads by others here who are married to pwBPD (so you are not alone in this). It boggles my mind. Your wife engages in verbal abuse and parental alienation on a regular basis, often using her role as mother and her responsiblility as a person of God to justify her abuse as she tries to 'teach' the kids that certain things are not acceptable. PA, as hard and as difficult as it is for an adult parent, is devestating to a child and it is child abuse. FF, my concern is not about how you look in your kids eyes (tho it is important), Rather I am concerned the kids are getting very bad messages and in essence are being left to deal with two parents who are exhibiting poor parenting behaviors.

3) You ask what else you could have done rather than leave them at the church. One suggestion would be to turn the car around, drive home, get out and tell the kids you are going to BBQ for them instead and let your wife stay home or go to the church on her own. another would be to drive home and ask any kids if they want to stay home with you or go with you to a different place for dinner, and let your wife take whoever wants to go to the church. I am sure there are other options that would not have bewildered the kids, added to their possible perception of you as abandoning them to their angry mother and taking yourself to a place of safety rather than protecting them.

A point that is not about the kids but is still coming from an adult child who grew up in a similar abusive powder keg of a house, is the following: I would have felt like you were setting me up to look like an ogre if you had bought me a treat and given it to me in front of the kids and then said no the kids could not have any because it was just for mom. I swear fire would have been shooting out of my eyes at that point and I would have gotten out of the car, taken all the kids and marched them home or called a friend/cab at that point. And I can promise you there would have been no apology and no sex.

FF, I want to echo what someone else said. I do not see this relationship changing for the better in a sustained and consistent way. I feel for you, I really do. Yu are in an incredibly difficult position and you are trying your best. Your openness here is truly inspiring and I learn so much from you. I respect you greatly and my greatest hope for you is that you get some peace and serenity on a consistent basis. And yes, I do believe that is possible even with 8 kids! I think that when you are alone with your kids, you provide them with stability and structure which is very important. I understand that you are working on being more flexible and perhaps 'softer' with the kids and that is great too. I just see the dynamic between you and your wife as highly damaging to everyone.

Wishing you peace.



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