Self respect and open warfare

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So... .I get home a bit before 5pm.   I hear my wife's booming voice telling the kindergartner that the kindergartner knows what a cylinder is "she just doesn't want to say it for some reason... ."

Some sort of school lesson.

I need to grab gas and cash... .so I head back out and text my wife that I will be back to get them at 530 to go to church.

Placed a call on the way back... .didn't get her.  Got in touch with son and had him pass phone to mommy.  When I pulled up, they were coming out of the house.

As she gets in van... .the big booming voice... ."where did you go"... .I smiled and pointed at pretzel (from Sams club)... .tried to lower tension level by saying something about a goodie.  She becomes more booming... .where did you go.  Evenly and factually said "I went to Sam's club to get gas, get cash and I picked up a pretzel for you... .there's the mustard that you like"

She literally turned up nose at it... sniffed a bit and was silent.  Some kids asked me if they could have some... .I said "no... .I got that as a special treat for mommy... .it's all hers" (we are driving to dinner at church)

Kids ask her for some and she distributes most of it to them.  They were all "thank you mommy... .thanks... .!"

She was again just loud and nasty as she talked to me and then... .very harsh tone.

We pull up to church and I said "Hey... I'm going to drop you guys off.  I need some time to myself to relax and chill out"

Wife is indignant  "You mean you don't want to come in and eat with us?"  I repeated I needed space.

[formflier]

So... .I get home a bit before 5pm.   I hear my wife's booming voice telling the kindergartner that the kindergartner knows what a cylinder is "she just doesn't want to say it for some reason... ."

Some sort of school lesson.

I need to grab gas and cash... .so I head back out and text my wife that I will be back to get them at 530 to go to church.

Placed a call on the way back... .didn't get her.  Got in touch with son and had him pass phone to mommy.  When I pulled up, they were coming out of the house.

As she gets in van... .the big booming voice... ."where did you go"... .I smiled and pointed at pretzel (from Sams club)... .tried to lower tension level by saying something about a goodie.  She becomes more booming... .where did you go.  Evenly and factually said "I went to Sam's club to get gas, get cash and I picked up a pretzel for you... .there's the mustard that you like"

She literally turned up nose at it... sniffed a bit and was silent.  Some kids asked me if they could have some... .I said "no... .I got that as a special treat for mommy... .it's all hers" (we are driving to dinner at church)

Kids ask her for some and she distributes most of it to them.  They were all "thank you mommy... .thanks... .!"

She was again just loud and nasty as she talked to me and then... .very harsh tone.

We pull up to church and I said "Hey... I'm going to drop you guys off.  I need some time to myself to relax and chill out"

Wife is indignant  "You mean you don't want to come in and eat with us?"  I repeated I needed space.

[formflier]

More later

[formflier]

Anyway... .she gets out of van with kids... .rummages through her purse and announces with a derisive... .demanding voice that she needs me to give her money for dinner.

I pulled out my wallet and asked if she would appreciate it or be able to be thankful... .especially since she didn't appreciate or thank me for the pretzel.

She shouted out me... ."You should be kind to me... ."

I said "your choice... ." and put away my wallet.

She slammed the doors and they walked in... .I drove away.

later... I get the following text

 Honey I am sorry I didn't say thank you for the pretzel... .I appreciate you thinking of me in that way. I do not understand why you left is at the church... .without money to eat... .did something happen today while I was at work that I am unaware of? 5:38 PM

Me: We should just talk in person 6:39 PM

ff wife: Kids and I will be home a little after 8 6:41 PM

notice all of the "fight lines".   

"you left us at church"

"while I was at work"

They are back home... .she hasn't spoken to me yet.  Yep... .I've heard the booming voice off in another part of the house.

It just sucks that "this" is back... .trying to stay out of way. 

Sigh...

FF

FF

[ArleighBurke]

I do admire your boundaries - being able to completely say "no" when needed... .

When you dropped them at church and said you needed time - you didn't give her any indication of WHEN/HOW LONG. I see that as a problem. I'm guessing you weren't planning to join her at all at church, so I would have said that and "Ill pick you up at X time", or "I'll see you at home after".

For my wife, that would completely throw her. If she expected to be at church with me, and at the last minute I said I wasn't going to join her - my wife would need time to adjust to that. Perhaps telling her when you got in the car, so she had the car trip to think about it?

Was it also 1hr between when she apologised and when you texted back? I'm guessing that was a typo. I also don't really like your response to her text (sorry). It leaves too much open for her to worry about. She apologised! which is great - even if she did it with fighting words - that is just the BPD way. The fact she apologied is great. But your response of "we'll talk later" would cause worry. Again, if it was my wife I would have said "Everythings OK - let's talk tonight".

The hardest thing about my wife I've had to learn is that her "fighting words" as you say - she truely believes them. There's no point trying to correct them - it just leads to many more arguements. Technically you did "leave her at the church"... ."While I was at work" - just leave it alone!

[formflier]

I was on the phone when she texted... .data does come through if I am using voice.

I told her to call me when she was done and I would pick her up... .so I left time up to her.

100 percent of our counselors since 2009 have said no apology via text.

If she brings it up in person I clarify that I don't accept or consider text apologies.

I don't pursue her on them though.  I ignore them.

This evening she got home... .was Uber nice to me.  Gave me pedicure.  Nothing was mentioned.

FF

[formflier]

I was hoping she would calm on the ride over... .it got worse. 

So... .I made the decision in the parking lot.

No warning  for me or her.

FF

[Notwendy]

You didn't leave her with money, but I haven't heard of anyone starving at a church supper. Surely they got to eat?

[Notwendy]

Anyway... .she gets out of van with kids... .rummages through her purse and announces with a derisive... .demanding voice that she needs me to give her money for dinner.

I pulled out my wallet and asked if she would appreciate it or be able to be thankful... .especially since she didn't appreciate or thank me for the pretzel.

She shouted out me... ."You should be kind to me... ."

I said "your choice... ." and put away my wallet.


That was adding gasoline to the drama. I see where you were irritated that she was grumpy and didn't say thank you, but this line reflects irritation which didn't diffuse the situation. Do you see where it escalated- and she shouted, then you reacted.

You don't have to be a doormat but in the heat of the moment, reacting just fans the flames.  Did she ask you to get a pretzel? Maybe she didn't really want it- and so didn't show appreciation.

If you wanted to let this just play out, it could have gone this way:

Anyway... .she gets out of van with kids... .rummages through her purse and announces with a derisive... .demanding voice that she needs me to give her money for dinner.

You could then have given her the money. It was not an unreasonable request. Someone paid for and cooked the food for supper- the money wasn't for her- it was to the church- and the church was providing a meal and religious activity for your family.

And then gone on your way. Win- win.

[Notwendy]

Open warfare?

FF, I am going to poke at you, because you can't change your wife, but you can change you and you have done some really great work.

Your wife getting pissy is not a war. The war you fought was abroad, and if you are seeing things in military/war perspective, then the war you are fighting is the war you brought back with you.

Your wife being pissy isn't a war. It's her being pissy for a number of reasons- maybe not even about you.

You walked in the house to hear her being pissy with one of the kids, for something probably not related to you. So you go to Sam's club, come home and she is still pissy. You give her a pretzel and she is still pissy about something, and you see this as dysrespectful. So now, you are irritated. But she isn't shooting missals at you.

Where is the war? Do you have to go on the defense or attack? Perhaps you could have said something in the moment- honey, sounds like you had a hard day.

Or she is paranoid. That is not something she can control. You went to get cash, gas, go to Sams club but she didn't know where you were. So her imagination went wild and she asks. But now, you see this as an offense and are irritated and reactive.

So, you drive the family to church, and she is expecting a family church supper. Whose value is this? Both of yours. You want family time and so does she. So, she doesn't expect that you will drop her off with this kids.

It is fine to take some time to yourself. In fact, it is good, because at that point you are angry and reactive. It isn't good for you or your family to be there all grumpy. But some of this isn't about her, it is your reaction. So take some time to cool off.

But she's surprised and probably feels abandoned. Also, if the church wants a donation for the supper, it's pretty embarrassing and rude to show up without one ( unless there is financial need- I haven't heard of a church turning down a hungry person at a church supper ) She could say she forgot her wallet and will bring the money later. But she probably wanted to give it to the church. She probably feels abandoned at this point.

When she is in a bad mood, there are choices. You can't control her feelings, and eventually she will calm down. But taking them personally and as some kind of attack or battle may be turning your home into a war zone.

[formflier]

 But taking them personally and as some kind of attack or battle may be turning your home into a war zone.

Yep... .I can see this... .and I did have a choice... .and I made one.

I choose to value my self respect... .to value me over her or "doing the right thing".

It's been a long time since I have been "yelled at" and gave in to the request or "ignored the yelling" and did the right thing.

Value:  I don't give money to people that are disrespectful to me.

While I totally agree I didn't present the choice in the best... .or even better way... .the choice is not unfamiliar to my wife.

From prior experience and from my words she knew there was money available and there was a transactional cost to getting it.  She made a choice to not go through with it.

My role is not to save her from her choices.  I also shouldn't persecute her for her choices.

So... .I've not asked how they solved the issue... .and don't plan to.  

I will tell you that my wife was the nicest and most pleasant she has been to me in several days once she got home.  In our conversation a household "admin" issue came up, she got defensive and I steered conversation away from it.  She quickly relaxed and went back to being pleasant.

So... .back to my title.  The "open warfare" is what I have been experiencing since Sunday evening and "self respect" is that there are certain things that I normally do without thinking about it (handing over cash) that I refuse to do under those conditions.  

Consequences of my "self respect" will be what they are... .but I stood up for me. 

FF

PS... .Keep poking or giving other opinions. 

[Notwendy]

I understand your boundary, but

You didn't "give" her money, marital funds are owned by both of you.

It isn't your money- it belongs to the church - that bought and prepared food for your family.

She wasn't asking you for money to take a Caribbean vacation. She was asking for money to pay for taking your children to church.

That is something that benefits your family.

I see your point of view, but there are other ways to look at this.

[formflier]

 
I do see all of your points... .they are all valid. 

It will be interesting to see if I "feel" the same way about this in a week or longer.

Fairly common theme that has emerged as I have "learned" about BPDish stuff and how I adjust and understand my new reality.

There are things I'm just not going to do.

I don't present it in a right or wrong kinda way but in a "this is who I am and if you want to do things with me... .this is how things work" kinda way.

I do get that many can look at this and see me as a selfish (fill in the blank) or unreasonable (fill in blank). 

I'm ok with that.

Notwendy... .please keep up the alternate point of view thing.  It does help me to see the other side... .or how my wife may view things.



FF

[KateCat]

Value:  I don't give money to people that are disrespectful to me.

Might others experience this as, "I breach a contract when my pride is wounded." Might it result in more conflicts in your life than are strictly necessary? (For instance, that conflict between you and the woman to whom you sold the baby stroller.)

You and your wife seem so evenly matched in terms of this type of battle. I picture Godzilla and Rodan battling eternally over the city of Tokyo, while human residents below cower and dive for cover.

This one situation, just as you described it here, might be an excellent one to discuss with the psychologist. And maybe it could lead to a discussion of the importance in general of "respect" for you and how you might regain the feeling of being respected in your life in spite of your wife's behaviors. (Personal aside: no way could I live with your wife.)

I also think you are doing great work in general. Struggling honestly with yourself in a way that few people will undertake in a truly sustained manner.  

[formflier]

I also think you are doing great work in general. Struggling honestly with yourself in a way that few people will undertake in a truly sustained manner. 

Yep... .the thing that stuck out to me in your post was being able to "sustain" a level of effort.

I've seen lots of variations in her BPDish presentations over the years.  I have become much more self aware as I've gained knowledge and really tried to tune in to me.

So... .I'm pretty good at understanding where I am at right now.  So... .I know my "capacity".  I'm also quite aware of my wife's "appetite" to consume my "capacity". 

As I see my wife's "appetite" outstripping my "capacity" I actually "worry" less about it.  Rather I acknowledge it, take action to protect me and let life happen.

Note:  First time I've ever tried to describe it that way... .makes sense to me.  Very curious to see if others are like "do what?" or "get it".

Baby carriage caper:  I'll make a point of bringing that up to P.  I don't think I have ever mentioned it to her.  Will be interesting to see what she says.

In both situations someone wanted something from me.  That someone was being difficult.  I clearly laid out a pathway they could both follow to get what they wanted where I would also be happy.

More of a negotiation point of view.  I had made a determination that I would define my involvement in ways that I would exit the "transaction" in an acceptable way.

The big difference was that the buggy lady had never dealt with me before in my life.  She obviously didn't think much of my methods.

My wife has been dealing with this type of thing for a while, no shock to her for me to do this.

Which does bring up another thing to discuss with P.  If I had done something "shocking" to my wife... .and handed over cash.  What is best way to do it... .best message to send... etc etc.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I've got to jump in on this because I was kinda shocked at how you added fuel to the fire about the church money situation. You've been so steady and even in your interactions and this struck me as a very nasty response from you. It surprised the heck out of me.

Regardless of how your wife is behaving, she and your children all need supper. (Maybe she's extra crabby because she's hungry. Maybe she's perimenopausal and her moods are a bit out of control--she's at the age when this can start happening and some women get very emotional with "no good reason"--and of course she's BPD.)

For you not to give her money to provide dinner to your children seems like a violation of a very important parental and spousal agreement. She was already upset and to not be able to pay for her and her children's meals was undoubtedly humiliating and she might have needed to lie and say she forgot her purse. (And lying in church... .) THIS SEEMS LIKE A VERY UGLY POWER PLAY ON YOUR PART.

Yes, she was super nice later, but did it occur to you that this might be a "false niceness," the niceness of a captive to a master?

I was married to a very dominant man who used these sort of power plays against me. It's vile and repercussions follow. It's unlikely she will forget this and possibly she will be planning her revenge.  

[KateCat]

Baby carriage caper:  I'll make a point of bringing that up to P.  I don't think I have ever mentioned it to her.  Will be interesting to see what she says.

It's a good one to bring up. The psychologist is watching you and listening to you. That is her training. She figured out your wife in a speedy manner, and she's zeroing in on you too.

I admire your ability to "tell all," because I remember how uncomfortable I felt when doing this with a psychiatrist. They really don't want you to hold back or to attempt to appear as reasonable or adult, or be anything other than just your stark ol' self.

That is how they can best help their clients. It really is an "analysis." And self-protective narrative on the part of the client is a waste of time, in my experience.

[formflier]

An interesting observation was given to me by the P yesterday.

She asked me to be less scrupulous in my dealings with my wife... .and life in general.  She said that I thought of others "too much" and sent them so much detail/information in an effort that they would have all the information that I would want to have if I was in their shoes, that I was actually clouding things up... .making it more confusing.

I was making an assumption that they would want to know what I would want to know.

At the same time I was setting myself up for a big fall from my wife or those that would attack my "honesty" or "scruples". 

Much better strategy to send over the highlights and make sure others know there is more info and I am available to share it.

How I practically put this into action is on tap for future sessions.


FF

[formflier]

While my P has never severed in the military, she has done extensive training (continuing ed stuff) on military families and specifically members that have served a long time.

She shared an article with me the other day that emphasized the importance of a civilian provider recognizing that I am from a "distinct subculture". Then she "flipped" the lesson to make sure that I understood that I am not like the vast majority of the population.  Not in a judgmental right or wrong way, but just to acknowledge a truth.  I have had experiences that most haven't and I need to take that into account as I am evaluating how I interact with the world.

While veterans are not a monolithic group, they do constitute a “distinct subculture” based on—among other things—shared language, shared beliefs, values, and behavioral norms, and shared training and socialization experiences (Strom et al., 2012). Military service is a significant dimension of personal identity. To prevent misunderstandings and misperceptions and to build effective working alliances, mental health professionals should apply principles of cultural competence to their work with veterans, striving for greater awareness, knowledge, and skills, and examining their own assumptions, attitudes, and biases about this population. This is particularly important in psychotherapy, given that a strong client-therapist alliance is one of the best predictors of successful treatment outcome (Duncan, Miller, Wampold, & Hubble, 2010).
 
Strom et al. (2012) summarized a number of cultural considerations for clinicians and trainees working with veterans. Factors that should be incorporated into assessment, case conceptualization, and treatment include: branch of service; occupational specialty; active vs. reserve status; rank; cohort differences (e.g., Vietnam era vs. OEF/OIF era); and number and nature of deployments, if any. All of these factors convey critical information about stressors veterans have been exposed to, the intensity of their socialization experiences, and the complexity of their reintegration experiences.   Strom et al. also emphasized the importance of understanding common, and dearly held, beliefs and values among military veterans. These include: prioritizing the mission and the welfare of others above oneself; placing great importance on discipline, hierarchy, order, and rules; and remaining stoic in the face of very distressing circumstances.

FF

[KateCat]

Hmmm, something tells me it won't be like pulling teeth to get you to continue with this psychologist.  Truly a godsend.

[formflier]

These include: prioritizing the mission and the welfare of others above oneself; placing great importance on discipline, hierarchy, order, and rules; and remaining stoic in the face of very distressing circumstances.

Cat Familiar,

Hey... sorry to stir the pot with you and dredge up nasty old memories.  I do see your point of view.

I completely see how my wife can see it as "being controlled"... .there is validity to that view as well.

In my heart of hearts... .I was not doing this to be "mean" to my wife. (this being letting her know how you get money from me).

I do see how a reasonable conclusion is that my goal was to "be mean".

I see one of my roles is maintaining a structure for "how things work" in my family... .and 100% certain that my role for myself is to define my structure.

So... .when my wife is being a grump and demanding money my thoughts were "Wow... .she is outside of the structure of how things are done.  It's dangerous for her to be out there (me thinking of her).  I need to let her know where she is and define pathway back to structure"'

Once I felt comfortable in my mind that she understood where she was and the pathway back to structure... .the choice was left with her.

The old me would have said "my wife is outside of structure and I'm going to run across the battlefield to carry her back to safety"  Then would have thought I was doing good to carry my wife kicking and screaming back to "safety".

And... .last... .my P would also exhort me to chill out about "my need to be understood".  Look at the effort I put into the post above so that Cat Familiar would understand I'm not an evil ogre. 

Nod... .smile... . 

In true southern fashion... especially from the women.  "Bless his heart... FF is just not getting it."

FF






 

[formflier]

Hmmm, something tells me it won't be like pulling teeth to get you to continue with this psychologist.  Truly a godsend.

To keep seeing her... .very easy.

To apply lessons and see actual change in FF life... .well... .I am trying.

Sigh...

FF

[KateCat]

But this too is an essential realization, I think. Part of the mindfulness necessary to do this work.

I don't think the psychologist could do this work with you without 100% of your willingness to self-examine. Your situation is unusually complicated, with such a large family, and the problems are so ingrained that it would be difficult for you to even see most of them without expert outside counsel.

[Notwendy]

FF - I see your response to "outside the structure" as controlling.

You two are married, and while one should not be abusive, being at one's best all the time with one's spouse isn't realistic.

Your wife has BPD, and she has 8 kids, and even a mom with any number of kids can have a bad day.

So, you came home and saw she was having a bad day. The way she reacted to you made you angry because you don't want to be treated that way. And now, war is on... .
 
From that point, it is war and in  war, one fights to win. You won. And you just blew up your marriage.

We used to have such battles, with my H fighting to win, and you know what? He won. Why? because he who has the money has the upper hand, and if you use that power play, the result is that the one who is scared for the welfare of the kids will do what it takes to survive.

So, you got your pride, your structure, your control, and IMHO did some damage.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I too have been a menopausal woman with kids and if my H dropped me off at a church supper with no money and I expected to feed the family there, I would have considered telling him not to bother to pick us up- except for the fact that the kids and I needed him- and I would have just behaved for their sake. But that isn't the kind of love a man wants from his wife. It is just control.

My guess is that they didn't go hungry and you knew it, so you could use this to make a stand. I don't believe you would really let your kids go without supper. I have never seen a church not feed someone at a church supper. If a member showed up and didn't have a donation, I would expect they would send a check later- but would not be turn them away. If a stranger showed up and didn't have money, you are supposed to feed the stranger and the poor. So they did eat. The money was not for your wife, but the church. A couple of times my kids "crashed" a church supper with their friends. They were never turned away. We just sent  a donation later.

I hope this doesn't sound like a gang up FF, it is said out of concern. For years, my H also won the battle, but nearly lost the marriage. Some of this may not be all about BPD. My H comes from a military family, relatives wounded in battle, and they fight to win and fight to the finish. I hope you can see that battle tactics don't work well in marriage.

[formflier]

Your situation is unusually complicated, with such a large family, and the problems are so ingrained that it would be difficult for you to even see most of them without expert outside counsel.

Yep... .she expressed the same feeling.  Said she enjoyed working with me... .but from a professional sense was "worn out" after our sessions.

She then pivoted and said  "I only know too well what it is like to personally live with this... ."

FF

[KateCat]

Exhausting.

I agree 100% with what Notwendy is kindly continuing to emphasize. There is no way forward with a battle-stance on your part.

[Cat Familiar]

In my heart of hearts... .I was not doing this to be "mean" to my wife. (this being letting her know how you get money from me).


I really didn't think you were trying to be "mean."

It's just that your refusal to give her money to feed your family seemed so hierarchical and representative of archaic toxic masculinity. The message it sent was that "Unless you are nice to me, I won't take care of your and our children's needs."

I know you don't mean that or believe that, but women have had many experiences throughout their lives of men behaving in a controlling manner and from the outside, that's what it looked like to me, and it appears that I'm not the only one who noticed this.

I understand the need to not be overly involved in worrying about someone's thoughts and feelings, as your psychologist mentioned "being less scrupulous in dealings with your wife." This is a lesson I'm having to incorporate as well with my husband. That said, I know that hunger is a huge trigger for him. He will become rapidly irritable and unreasonable if he's hungry. When that happens, I now don't take his remarks to heart and I realize that he just needs to eat something and get on an even keel, and he does.

Not having the life experience of a forty-something woman with rapidly changing hormones, you can't possibly imagine how emotionally out of sorts that can make women. (I can't either because luckily I didn't have to endure much of that.) However, I did observe the crazy emotional out of control swings some of my friends have had due to the approach of menopause. I remember having a fairly routine phone conversation with a friend when she suddenly started sobbing uncontrollably and her husband had to get on the phone and explain that this was happening frequently and had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Another friend came unglued in a restaurant. Neither of these women have personality disorders--it was just a function of fluctuating hormones. So that is something that I want to caution you about.

"Wow... .she is outside of the structure of how things are done.  It's dangerous for her to be out there (me thinking of her).  I need to let her know where she is and define pathway back to structure"'


This is military thinking, very black and white. And hierarchical. You had the money. She didn't. She was your subordinate in this instance. You were withholding the funds for basic needs, not only for her, but for your children.

You see this as a boundary. I see it as being unkind.

[formflier]

Notwendy,

I do see that.  But... .just like the P has admonished me to realize "this is the woman you married".  I am the the man she married.

If you walk into the supply department and demand things and refuse to follow the supply departments procedure... .to expect to leave with your supplies is not reasonable.

My responsibility is to make sure the procedure is known.

You have no idea with how much trepidation I write this... .

I do, from time to time let my kids choose to go without supper (or other meal).  Yes I try to influence things so it doesn't get to the point of a direct confrontation where such methods are needed.

So... .kid says "I'm not eating that... .make me something else... ." (yes you can hear other kids gasp) will result in an explanation of "that's your dinner... .I hope you make a wise choice."  Then switch to another topic.

So... .I will go out of my way to make sure that behaving child gets a dinner they are really happy with (I'll honor good behavior) and will be exceedingly obvious that bad behavior is not rewarded.

FF

[KateCat]

I missed Cat Familiar's first post to this thread and now read her additional contributions here.

I share the sense of shock she expresses at your actions during this latest conflict with your wife. And so feel that it is a perfect conflict to explore in real depth with the psychologist. This is red meat for her analysis.

Everything about this episode. All the follow-ups JADEs you have now given here. Even the fact that your moniker on this forum is "formflier."  )

Hang all this laundry out. It seems that the psychologist is close enough to you in values to be the guide you need.

[HopefulDad]

Throwing in my 2 cents... .

I see exactly where Cat and Notwendy are coming from as I also saw part of this as a power play on FF's part.

But I can relate to FF's situation in that his wife snapped at him in front of the kids and this simply can't go on.  He's kind of teaching his kids that it's okay to yell at people to get what you want if he gives her the cash.  From that standpoint, I'm glad he did what he did.   

Lots of gray area and ultimately can't fault or praise FF on how the situation was handled.

[KateCat]

But I can relate to FF's situation in that his wife snapped at him in front of the kids and this simply can't go on.  He's kind of teaching his kids that it's okay to yell at people to get what you want if he gives her the cash.

It's a terrible situation. Formflier, do you have any sense yet if your psychologist believes you can fix this from inside the marriage?