The "groundhog day" life

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It has been a long time since I have posted on this site. That hasn’t stopped me from being an avid reader and using the information from knowledgeable members to improve my understanding BPD?NPD behaviour.

I have been out of the relationship with my uBPDexgf for over 18 months now.
In the early stages of the separation I knew nothing about this condition (I call it a condition and not an illness because people with BPD are in most cases fully functional in society, except with their inability to manage the consistency of their emotional behaviours in a relationship). I was buried in grief and turned myself inside out to try and fix the situation and blamed myself for what happened between us, despite her physical/emotional abuse, cheating and rages. After a welcomed recycle, I thought I could fix things and went the whole 9 yards with a ring and a proposal and tried to be the superhuman ideal partner for this woman. The outcome was that within 2 weeks of the proposal she was back with my initial replacement and engaged to him.

So I used the information from people on this site and moved on and became a harder, tougher and smarter individual who was determined to never look back again. I found inner peace and inner strength and a new found interest in life.
Fast forward some months and her life is off the rails again and she is begging for my help and understanding. There were, what appeared to be, the most heartfelt apologies given to me by her, even her committing to therapy and an open and honest truth session with her family about what she did to me.

So my guards came down to an extent and instead of looking at the “detachment board” I was reading the “staying and improving board”. I followed the rules and lessons to the letter but I never totally let my guard down about her behaviour. So over the course of some months there were numerous push/pull episodes of varying intensities. The tools helped me to deflect arguments, set boundaries, give reinforcement where needed and to challenge issues in a non-personalised, non-threatening manner.

The reality of dealing with a uBPD/NPD person is that their behaviour and their view of life through the emotional lens that the condition gives them will always cause the relationship to fail because the need for compromise to make it work will eventually go beyond their capacity  to seek balance in their emotions as well as the “non’s” ability to maintain their own sanity and personal integrity. It would be like spending your life with a colour blind person and trying to convince them that the sky is blue. Their condition will never allow them to understand or appreciate what you are saying or what you are seeing and hence you will always be the person that is wrong. Their reality is their reality, even though it is not real by our own “non” understanding of life.

So, my final “painted black” has just happened and it happened over the issue of not texting her for a day. Even though she did the same thing to me, it was my fault as I didn’t care about her enough and she wants to be with someone who does.

So the lesson for me and perhaps for all those who are going through pain after being split black and dumped……... is that it will happen when they have found another supply for their needs. That supply will eventually fail which will trigger a recycle. They will eventually paint you black again sure as night follows day. Even if you learn everything you can about modifying your own behaviour, they will wear you down and you will be dumped again as they move back to a known supply who was supportive of them last time….and does not know about BPD/NPD conditions. Rest assured that the supply will crash again and they will be back for sure. That is why the behaviour is such like a “groundhog day” event. It will keep happening until you cut it off, put the line in the sand and say no more!

So from my own experience of being 18 months out…... the pain will pass, there will be multiple recycles and push/pull episodes, your ability to manage them and deal with the emotional trauma will improve over time, you will become stronger and less vulnerable to their outbursts. You will never be able to manage their emotionally skewed view of the world and most importantly they will never get better and they will never change. This condition is now hard coded into their psyche.
If they go to see a therapist, they will look to find one that allows them to justify their own behaviour as opposed to addressing the real issue. If they see a therapist who calls them out on their behaviour they will dump them and not go back.

It saddens me when I read the pain  that some people are in on this board. The pain will pass. You will recover and you will see that it was never you as the cause of the problem in the relationship, it is that pwBPD will never have a normal relationship with an emotionally healthy person.

The stats on these boards say it all…….there are 369,000 posts from people trying to save or improve or decide about their BPD relationship…... by there is more 540,000 posts from people who have been hurt and are seeking help to recover and get away from such toxicity. You will all recover, you will move on to better and healthier relationships and you will all eventually realise that you could have not done better than you sis because their “condition” almost assure relationship destruction.

Stand tall, believe in yourselves and know that you can’t change anything and that the real winner in all of these situations is all of you who have moved on in life.

[Nextinline]

It has been a long time since I have posted on this site. That hasn’t stopped me from being an avid reader and using the information from knowledgeable members to improve my understanding BPD?NPD behaviour.

I have been out of the relationship with my uBPDexgf for over 18 months now.
In the early stages of the separation I knew nothing about this condition (I call it a condition and not an illness because people with BPD are in most cases fully functional in society, except with their inability to manage the consistency of their emotional behaviours in a relationship). I was buried in grief and turned myself inside out to try and fix the situation and blamed myself for what happened between us, despite her physical/emotional abuse, cheating and rages. After a welcomed recycle, I thought I could fix things and went the whole 9 yards with a ring and a proposal and tried to be the superhuman ideal partner for this woman. The outcome was that within 2 weeks of the proposal she was back with my initial replacement and engaged to him.

So I used the information from people on this site and moved on and became a harder, tougher and smarter individual who was determined to never look back again. I found inner peace and inner strength and a new found interest in life.
Fast forward some months and her life is off the rails again and she is begging for my help and understanding. There were, what appeared to be, the most heartfelt apologies given to me by her, even her committing to therapy and an open and honest truth session with her family about what she did to me.

So my guards came down to an extent and instead of looking at the “detachment board” I was reading the “staying and improving board”. I followed the rules and lessons to the letter but I never totally let my guard down about her behaviour. So over the course of some months there were numerous push/pull episodes of varying intensities. The tools helped me to deflect arguments, set boundaries, give reinforcement where needed and to challenge issues in a non-personalised, non-threatening manner.

The reality of dealing with a uBPD/NPD person is that their behaviour and their view of life through the emotional lens that the condition gives them will always cause the relationship to fail because the need for compromise to make it work will eventually go beyond their capacity  to seek balance in their emotions as well as the “non’s” ability to maintain their own sanity and personal integrity. It would be like spending your life with a colour blind person and trying to convince them that the sky is blue. Their condition will never allow them to understand or appreciate what you are saying or what you are seeing and hence you will always be the person that is wrong. Their reality is their reality, even though it is not real by our own “non” understanding of life.

So, my final “painted black” has just happened and it happened over the issue of not texting her for a day. Even though she did the same thing to me, it was my fault as I didn’t care about her enough and she wants to be with someone who does.

So the lesson for me and perhaps for all those who are going through pain after being split black and dumped……... is that it will happen when they have found another supply for their needs. That supply will eventually fail which will trigger a recycle. They will eventually paint you black again sure as night follows day. Even if you learn everything you can about modifying your own behaviour, they will wear you down and you will be dumped again as they move back to a known supply who was supportive of them last time….and does not know about BPD/NPD conditions. Rest assured that the supply will crash again and they will be back for sure. That is why the behaviour is such like a “groundhog day” event. It will keep happening until you cut it off, put the line in the sand and say no more!

So from my own experience of being 18 months out…... the pain will pass, there will be multiple recycles and push/pull episodes, your ability to manage them and deal with the emotional trauma will improve over time, you will become stronger and less vulnerable to their outbursts. You will never be able to manage their emotionally skewed view of the world and most importantly they will never get better and they will never change. This condition is now hard coded into their psyche.
If they go to see a therapist, they will look to find one that allows them to justify their own behaviour as opposed to addressing the real issue. If they see a therapist who calls them out on their behaviour they will dump them and not go back.

It saddens me when I read the pain  that some people are in on this board. The pain will pass. You will recover and you will see that it was never you as the cause of the problem in the relationship, it is that pwBPD will never have a normal relationship with an emotionally healthy person.

The stats on these boards say it all…….there are 369,000 posts from people trying to save or improve or decide about their BPD relationship…... by there is more 540,000 posts from people who have been hurt and are seeking help to recover and get away from such toxicity. You will all recover, you will move on to better and healthier relationships and you will all eventually realise that you could have not done better than you sis because their “condition” almost assure relationship destruction.

Stand tall, believe in yourselves and know that you can’t change anything and that the real winner in all of these situations is all of you who have moved on in life.

[Larmoyant]

Nextinline, thank you so much for sharing this. I'm going to print it out because it made me feel like I'm really going to get through this 

[Sadly]

Thank you so much for this NIL, much needed, much appreciated and well done you. X

[Nextinline]

Hey Sadly and Larmoyant

I have followed both of your stories and empathise with both of you.

I have been at the depths of sadness and depression. I've gone through so much pain and trauma over my exBPDgf. This was worse when I moved heaven and earth to try to be the perfect partner that I could ever be.

The lessons that I have learnt about people with BPD/NPD is that they will do whatever it takes to get you into their lives to fill the void left by the failure of the last person to not meet their expectations. So if you can think of them like this:
- whatever you do, it will never be enough
- whatever you did, it was never good enough
- whatever went wrong was all your fault
- whatever should have or could have happened that didn't happen was your fault
- whatever you did was never be enough

So please think of a person with BPD/NPD as a hole that no matter what you poured into it -love, money, affection, attention, holidays, gifts- it will never be enough and you will never ever fill that hole. It will still be empty.

Please remember those things as you both deserve better than to be treated with disrespect by a person that does not have the ability to ever be satisfied or to reciprocate your love.


Cheers

NiL

[Sadly]

Hey NiL
So much sense here, it really helps to read what you have just posted. I have known logically these things for a long time but have struggled with the emotional side, still do, however reading it again, from this post, I not only know the truth of it but feel it too. Hard thing to explain but hope that makes sense. Thank you again so very much   x

[Nextinline]

Hey Sadly

That is my pleasure. We are all here for each other and we will all help each other get through our respective pain and trauma. There is joy ahead. Believe me.

And maybe, just maybe, you might become less Sadly

[Nextinline]

And meant to say "more Smiley".

  to you.

[Sadly]

That's so funny you should write that. Over a year ago I explained how my user name came about. I was sitting on a beach in the early hours of the morning watching the sea break onto the beach and totally blown away by the devastating crushing blows I was being dealt and I remember thinking " How sadly I live my life now", hence Sadly. I followed up by saying one day I hope I will be posting here with a happier user name. I didn't say so but the one I had chosen was Smiley.  How cool is that? Not yet but hopefully soon look out for Smiley. 
Love from Sadly.   x

[elfyguy]

I followed the rules and lessons to the letter but I never totally let my guard down about her behaviour. So over the course of some months there were numerous push/pull episodes of varying intensities.

Hi Nextinline,

Good post and I think your words hold true for most borderlines. In order for an alcoholic to stop their addiction they need to stop drinking alcohol. The problem with borderlines is that they are continuously in relationships, hence the analogy.

To never let someone's guard down in a relationship is such a shame. Loving someone openly, equally, and as yourself is a much healthier love. It's such a shame that nons need to build a wall in order to protect themselves. All the while they are being toxic to themselves while doing this.

[Herodias]

Thanks for sharing this... .I know what you say is true. I just heard it takes awhile to get over these r/s's due to the PTSD they cause... .we then walk around in a fog. I guess it just takes awhile to get over. I am not getting any more recycles I guess because he knows I put my foot down. So, I guess that is a good thing. I just wish I would get an I am sorry, I made a big mistake... .but it would just be a lie I suppose. The whole situation stinks... .I am tired of the whole thing! Just can't shake it.

[bunny4523]

I just wish I would get an I am sorry, I made a big mistake... .but it would just be a lie I suppose. The whole situation stinks... .I am tired of the whole thing! Just can't shake it.

Herodias,
I can relate to what you are saying and hoping for closure... .but remember that is not likely to happen with pwBPD.  My ex changed the locks on me with my stuff still inside but then walks into the office 3 months later to return to me 2 screws found in the carpet.  It is such a bizarre disorder.  You treat me like I stole from you but your such a great guy, you wouldn't dare to take 2 screws that aren't yours.  The main difference is I was painted black when he locked me out and white when he wanted to show me what a great guy he is. WhateVer. 

Know that what he did and how he treated you was wrong and say sorry to yourself for putting yourself through it.  Forgive yourself.  That is the only way I was able to move past not having closure.  Hope it helps you too.

Bunny

[amsheehy]

It has been a long time since I have posted on this site. That hasn’t stopped me from being an avid reader and using the information from knowledgeable members to improve my understanding BPD?NPD behaviour.

- - - - - - - -

Stand tall, believe in yourselves and know that you can’t change anything and that the real winner in all of these situations is all of you who have moved on in life.

Thank you for posting this!  While I nodded my head up and down while reading, I'm surprised nobody has countered your assertions that the pwBPD will never change, although I guess this might be the wrong forum for anyone hopeful about change.  I DO think your words are realistic as well as encouraging and is perhaps the kick in the ass that some people need who are undecided about the pwBPD changing.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for posting this!  While I nodded my head up and down while reading, I'm surprised nobody has countered your assertions that the pwBPD will never change, although I guess this might be the wrong forum for anyone hopeful about change.  I DO think your words are realistic as well as encouraging and is perhaps the kick in the ass that some people need who are undecided about the pwBPD changing.  

You're right, "never" is an absolute term.  Borderline personality disorder is not curable, since the conditions that created the disorder occurred so early in life that it got literally hardwired into the personality, although borderlines can learn techniques, psychological tools, to lessen the severity of the intense emotions borderlines feel and learn alternate behaviors that aren't self-defeating and dysfunctional.  And that applies to any of us BTW, the volume is just turned up for borderlines.  Anyway, while a "mellowing" is possible and the prognosis for remission of the disorder is good, it takes extensive long term therapy to get there, and overcoming a disorder that exists to deny itself is no easy task.

And it's impossible to "make" anyone change; think how difficult it is to change yourself, and then amplify that to the challenge of changing someone else.  It can be far more empowering to focus on whether or not our own needs and wants are being met, and whether the behaviors our partner is exhibiting are acceptable or not; that focus and the decisions we make based on it are things we can control.  And next, for bonus points, we can look at our beliefs, rules and behaviors and how they showed up in the relationship, which is where the growth is.

[FannyB]

Hi NIL

I too am 18 months out and haven't heard a peep in a while. Watched Fatal Attraction last night and got a text today - did make me laugh! 

Like you said, detachment comes with time. It takes a while to heal because they burrowed in very deep - but heal you all will if you value yourselves and your sanity above caring for an individual who is pre-programmed to emotionally destroy you.

Fanny

[Herodias]

Bunny,
    your two screws story makes sense to me in the world of BPD... .He wanted to hurt you by keeping your things and locking you out. I think that's a common theme... mine was always throwing me out. Then he had to come up with some reason to be in touch with you again... .even if it was two screws he thought you may need... .any reason to get back in touch. Mine was always leaving things behind to have a reason to be back in touch. He did tried to get a drill I have that was his, but I never responded and he hasn't asked again. He must have taken the charger without me noticing though... .making sure I can't use it without buying a new one. He always left clothes behind too. I know what you mean about not getting closure. In some ways he did apologize to me and tell me that he will always love me and appreciate all I did for him. He just didn't like me telling him what to do... .well, when you do all that he does, no one will keep their mouth shut forever.

[stewlion07]

Makes so much sense ... .they are creatures of habit... .they paint you black and when they get lonely or un happy in a relationship they will paint you white again... .let you back in on there terms... I am 10 weeks post break up and this is the 6th time she broke up with me... Cause I wanted committed and went cold a bit... she got scared and pulled the pin and then I lost my ___ and told her she has a disorder and needs help... Once they know they cant manipulate you they will pull back and change up the game plan... they will try and get reactions anyway possible. Don't play the game... .be strong... .I still love mine but the pain is getting less and less... .I have no doubt she will come back soon as she is on a high scale BPD with non violent traits ... but she lacks identity and has major problems in personal , romantic and family relationships...

[Stolen]

Groundhog Day is such a good metaphor. In my case it was for decades.  Every day started everything new and fresh - except for the growing list of negatives... .  I was bewildered for so long why there was never any growth of goodwill for all that was shared, accomplished, provided.

Dysregulation, dysphoric rage, and the black paint can (large size) was always just a hair trigger away.

Groundhog Day.  Perfect.

[Nextinline]

A very big thank you to all that have participated in this discussion. I am pleased that it has touched so many chords in each of you.

I was not intending to comment in absolute terms that a pwBPD/NPD can't change. My point was that there is no reason for them to change because their view of reality is different to a "nons" view of reality. Hence the reason I made the "color blind" analogy.

Their condition creates a different lens for them to look through, hence they see us as the problem and not their behavior as the problem.

 Comments have been made about getting an apology or an "I'm sorry".
In my case I received that exact thing. Now that I look back at that apology I realize that it was an "eye of the storm" moment when we were both in calm air. It eventually passed and the storm began again. It was just a point of manipulation to ease her pain and to get me to reconnect.
I believe she meant it at that moment. Moments later it was gone and the next thing was the most interesting.

The point here is that you will all get through the pain and move on. If you don't then the risk is more pain and no one keeps putting their hand in the fire to keep getting burnt.

[Butterflies free]

NIL,

BRAVO! Your post was well written, accurate, compassionate and resonating.
As was mentioned in a previous post, BPDS are "hard wired" from such a young age that in essence they are damaged to their inner core.

Speaking from my own experience w an exBPDbf, my greatest obstacle was overcoming their lack of empathy. The rejection, so blatantly cruel, it was like a punishment so severe it defied logic for it never justified the "crime." Lack of closure... .sometimes I thought it would have been easier if he wasn't alive, at least death wasn't a willingness to leave me... .rejection... .the worst... .

I am 15 months NC and I am back to my normal, happy, optimistic self with a peaceful heart.  I gave myself the closure I needed by acknowledging his inability to do so.  Forgiveness isn't a benefit for them... .forgiveness keeps our hearts from becoming cold and hardened. And quite frankly, I don't want to carry that toxicity into my future and give the horror of that relationship any more life.

This is such a wonderful site... .so much compassion, knowledge and support...
Thanks for the inspiration

[Turkish]

Groundhog Day stopped repeating when the right change was made by one person, having learned from many failures, even if the methods seemed right at the time.  You wrote an inspirational story 

Care to share what your final boundary looked like? 

[Nextinline]

Turkish

I think the boundary was a simple one this time.
I had just come to the end of my rope.
I had given all I could. My love, my patience, my understanding, my compassion, my intellectual capacity, my material things, my belief, my support, my forgiveness, my "no judgement" approach to her past behaviours and indiscretions, all my time and energy which was still not enough.

My final boundary was broken when I received an email after a day when I was too busy at work to text her. Her email said "this isn't working. You're not the man for me. You would have texted me if you really did love me".

For me, that was the point of no return. There was nothing left to give anymore after you have given it your all and you were dismissed by a lack of a text message. So I simply responded by saying "I agree, we're done". That was all I said.

It reinforced to me the belief that a pwBPD is just a bottomless pit where you would spend your life trying to fill it only to fail every time.
They can never be grateful or appreciate what they have. The focus is only on what they don't have.

You can't win that battle. That was the final boundary.

[fromheeltoheal]

My final boundary was broken when I received an email after a day when I was too busy at work to text her. Her email said "this isn't working. You're not the man for me. You would have texted me if you really did love me".

It might be helpful to remember that borderlines are constantly focused on the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, and in that light she was feeling abandoned, the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, that felt intense and bad, and it had to be your fault, since the introspection necessary to consider that fear of abandonment and possible solutions is not available to her.

It reinforced to me the belief that a pwBPD is just a bottomless pit where you would spend your life trying to fill it only to fail every time.
They can never be grateful or appreciate what they have. The focus is only on what they don't have.

Yes, what a borderline doesn't have is a fully formed self of their own, so attaching to someone else to feel whole is mandatory.  The challenge is that attachment is inherently unstable and those opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment are always present, the line between them always moving, so gratitude and appreciation are fleeting.