I didn't really understand why I was doing full NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've posted around here before about how I didn't really understand why I was doing full NC as I hadn't yet experienced any benefits and it instead just felt like I was constantly fighting urges to check in on my BPD ex gf.

Now 3 months in, I can say unequivocally that NC is incredibly important to this process and it's scary to think of where I would be right now without ever having read about using this strategy on this board just after the discard occurred.

I should mention that this has been true 100% no contact which means: no communication of any kind (email/text/phone/physical mail), taking necessary precautions to avoid running into her in person and, one that is perhaps sometimes overlooked yet very important in my opinion, not seeking out this person on any form of social media. I deleted my facebook years ago so I was lucky to not have that to deal with and I'm a very light user of other social media which has made it easy to not run into her anywhere. I can't say that I haven't been tempted to search for her on various mediums of social media where I know I could see some sort of profile but I have thankfully prevented myself from doing this.

It's hard to describe how different I feel today compared to 1 or 2 months ago but I would say that the best way to describe it is getting back to having peace of mind and emotional stability. When you go full & complete no contact with someone, it really does kind of trick your mind into believing that this person doesn't really exist and over time, you will stop thinking about them so much because there is no evidence of this person in your face and your brain moves on to focus on things that are actually occurring in your day to day life. I still think about her quite a bit and I'm nowhere near being fully "over" this but the thoughts that I have of her manifest themselves very differently than they have in the past. 3 months in when I see a reminder of her, I can laugh at myself with some self-deprecating humor about how this still means something to me. Compare this to the same "trigger" 2 months ago and the rest of my day would be ruined and I would feel like the world is ending. Life really does keep going and if you take the necessary steps to eliminate this toxic influence from it, things will inevitably start to get better at some point.

There are a few things that have happened in my life to help me get through this as well. My no contact is possibly to an extreme extent as my ex doesn't know where I live now and while I'm sure that helps, I know not everyone has the ability to take this sort of action unfortunately. Dating around with other people and just experiencing life in new ways has also been something that I have enjoyed and although it may sound weird, it often times makes me have a greater appreciation for time on my own which I have plenty of now. I've already been involved with one girl who wanted a relationship right out of the gate and my newfound boundaries formed as the result of my BPD ex came into play instantly so it is nice to see that there was some sort of positive takeaway from that relationship.

Sorry, I think I'm rambling a bit now and getting off topic but I will end with one piece of advice related to NC. I am a person who very strongly associates people with places/things and this of course made certain things/places very difficult to face on my own after the discard. As much as this hurt, I committed to forcing myself to do it and I think that over time, it really does make a difference and serves a much better purpose than avoiding these things due to your ex. I used to drive a different way to work because my old way reminded me of my ex for some reason but when I committed to not having these hangups, I fought through it and now this drive has almost no associations with her anymore. It is painful to confront these things head on but I really feel like doing so will give you the power to have these shared places/things etc. come to mean something new in your mind that can't be taken away by anyone.

If you're considering breaking no contact, please read around the boards first and notice how almost every single NC break results in a negative mental/emotional experience and realize the pattern here. Obviously, the extent to which each individual can go NC will differ depending on life circumstances but I would just say to do the absolute maximum amount of NC that you possibly can. It may hurt now, but the benefits will slowly start to roll in over time. By taking these difficult actions now, you are making your future life a much better & more peaceful place to be, just realize that the amount of time it will take to get to this future life will be different for everyone so don't put any pressure on yourself.

[pjstock42]

I've posted around here before about how I didn't really understand why I was doing full NC as I hadn't yet experienced any benefits and it instead just felt like I was constantly fighting urges to check in on my BPD ex gf.

Now 3 months in, I can say unequivocally that NC is incredibly important to this process and it's scary to think of where I would be right now without ever having read about using this strategy on this board just after the discard occurred.

I should mention that this has been true 100% no contact which means: no communication of any kind (email/text/phone/physical mail), taking necessary precautions to avoid running into her in person and, one that is perhaps sometimes overlooked yet very important in my opinion, not seeking out this person on any form of social media. I deleted my facebook years ago so I was lucky to not have that to deal with and I'm a very light user of other social media which has made it easy to not run into her anywhere. I can't say that I haven't been tempted to search for her on various mediums of social media where I know I could see some sort of profile but I have thankfully prevented myself from doing this.

It's hard to describe how different I feel today compared to 1 or 2 months ago but I would say that the best way to describe it is getting back to having peace of mind and emotional stability. When you go full & complete no contact with someone, it really does kind of trick your mind into believing that this person doesn't really exist and over time, you will stop thinking about them so much because there is no evidence of this person in your face and your brain moves on to focus on things that are actually occurring in your day to day life. I still think about her quite a bit and I'm nowhere near being fully "over" this but the thoughts that I have of her manifest themselves very differently than they have in the past. 3 months in when I see a reminder of her, I can laugh at myself with some self-deprecating humor about how this still means something to me. Compare this to the same "trigger" 2 months ago and the rest of my day would be ruined and I would feel like the world is ending. Life really does keep going and if you take the necessary steps to eliminate this toxic influence from it, things will inevitably start to get better at some point.

There are a few things that have happened in my life to help me get through this as well. My no contact is possibly to an extreme extent as my ex doesn't know where I live now and while I'm sure that helps, I know not everyone has the ability to take this sort of action unfortunately. Dating around with other people and just experiencing life in new ways has also been something that I have enjoyed and although it may sound weird, it often times makes me have a greater appreciation for time on my own which I have plenty of now. I've already been involved with one girl who wanted a relationship right out of the gate and my newfound boundaries formed as the result of my BPD ex came into play instantly so it is nice to see that there was some sort of positive takeaway from that relationship.

Sorry, I think I'm rambling a bit now and getting off topic but I will end with one piece of advice related to NC. I am a person who very strongly associates people with places/things and this of course made certain things/places very difficult to face on my own after the discard. As much as this hurt, I committed to forcing myself to do it and I think that over time, it really does make a difference and serves a much better purpose than avoiding these things due to your ex. I used to drive a different way to work because my old way reminded me of my ex for some reason but when I committed to not having these hangups, I fought through it and now this drive has almost no associations with her anymore. It is painful to confront these things head on but I really feel like doing so will give you the power to have these shared places/things etc. come to mean something new in your mind that can't be taken away by anyone.

If you're considering breaking no contact, please read around the boards first and notice how almost every single NC break results in a negative mental/emotional experience and realize the pattern here. Obviously, the extent to which each individual can go NC will differ depending on life circumstances but I would just say to do the absolute maximum amount of NC that you possibly can. It may hurt now, but the benefits will slowly start to roll in over time. By taking these difficult actions now, you are making your future life a much better & more peaceful place to be, just realize that the amount of time it will take to get to this future life will be different for everyone so don't put any pressure on yourself.

[rfriesen]

Hi PJ,

Great to hear from you and that you're seeing the benefits of all your hard work. So many little moments along the way are so painful to work through, especially when you don't see the payoff right away. It's wonderful to hear that you're finding yourself in a better place after all that work -- congrats on that!

it really does make a difference and serves a much better purpose than avoiding these things due to your ex. I used to drive a different way to work because my old way reminded me of my ex for some reason but when I committed to not having these hangups, I fought through it and now this drive has almost no associations with her anymore.

I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, for sure, we just have to give ourselves some time and avoid triggering memories that are too painful to handle. But once we're feeling a little stronger and on our feet, it's important to work through that pain. It's the surest way to grow!

[pjstock42]

Hi rfriesen,

You're right when you mention how painful this process has been but I actually look at this pain a bit differently than perhaps others may here. For me, the pain in this was initiated by my exes discard and any further pain would be further fallout from being put through such brutally cold & callous process by someone who I believed truly loved and cared for me. While there was hard work involved in not reaching out to her or seeking her out on any sort of social media, I accepted very early on that doing any of these things would not soothe the pain that I was feeling and would most likely only exacerbate it. Sending her an email or a text, looking her up on facebook etc. would be an incredibly momentary fulfillment of a pointless urge and would not help to ease any of the pain I was feeling and I believe that thinking in this way has helped me to avoid those forms of contact altogether. The countless topics on this board of the emotional trauma & confusion that seems to always come from interacting with these people after the discard gave me so many pieces of cautionary advice and I will always be thankful for that.

In regards to associations with places/things, I do have one lingering road block that I can admit to not being ready to face yet. There is a bar/restaurant in my city that I had been going to for years before I ever met my BPD ex and it just so happens that this is where I met her for the first time. Of course, we ended up going there almost every week and the entire bar staff knows both of us pretty well - that is one thing that I haven't been able to psych myself up to face yet. It may sound stupid but I've walked by a number of times just to look inside and kind of mentally prepare myself for eventually stopping in for a drink as I used to but I just know that right now, even though I'm feeling better overall, I couldn't handle sitting in there and facing the inevitable questions from the bartenders about where my ex is. I'm sure I will get there eventually and it will be nice to eliminate that one last association but i won't be able to tackle this until I know for a fact that I can experience this and not have any sort of emotional reaction to it and who knows how long that will take.

[LilMe]

You are so right about NC. I was doing pretty good after 4 months of NC until I had to start communicating with him and seeing him several times a week for visitation (court ordered). I am a total mess now. I don't know how I'm going to make it.

[fromheeltoheal]

even though I'm feeling better overall, I couldn't handle sitting in there and facing the inevitable questions from the bartenders about where my ex is. I'm sure I will get there eventually and it will be nice to eliminate that one last association but i won't be able to tackle this until I know for a fact that I can experience this and not have any sort of emotional reaction to it and who knows how long that will take.

Or you could go in there and tell your buddies that you broke up right out of the gate, and they may just be supportive and glad to see the new you.  Ripping the Band-Aid off is quicker and can hurt less, and one thing's for certain, once you go in there that first time it will be comfortable again, as you create new memories and reclaim the turf.  Plus you might get a free drink or two, just sayin'... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi pj,

I commend you for knowing that reaching out to your ex would just be a way to momentarily soothe your pain, and that it could possibly evoke even more. That is a very wise realization and it takes strength and discipline not to succumb to those urges. Well done!

If/when you do venture into your favorite bar again, you can always use whatever feelings come up as a gauge of what pieces of grief are still lingering in your detachment process. So, you can make it a win-win no matter what. 

Do you think you'd run into her?

heartandwhole

[Rayban]

Hey PJ,

Congrats on staying NC, and getting to a better place in your life.  I think any achievement big or small,  that boost our self esteem makes moving on that much easier.  For myself I know that if I'm feeling good about some positive action or thing I've done for myself, then I'll have a tendency to see things more clearly.

I'm also at a stage where I will think of a conversation or something that happened in the relationship and have a chuckle and a What the heck was I thinking moment. It helps me detach understanding her patterns and behaviors.  More importantly I'm working on why I accepted some of the abusive stuff. 

I still cycle through the 5 stages, spending very little time in the depression stage. Sure I have days where I feel down, but it doesn't last long. Im beginning to dip my toes into the acceptance stage.  I know I'm not 100% detached but I look forward to the day where I'm completely indifferent to her. That in itself is motivation to keep on doing right by me.

[Pretty Woman]

I really think you have to be 100% detached and indifferent to have contact with a BPD ex. At that stage, why even have contact? If you don't have children together there really is no valid reason.

If they treated you like crap in your relationship do you really think they would treat you any kinder as a friend?

I can tell you from knowing my exes ex's who she's kept as "friends" that would be a resounding, NO.

My ex is still "friends" with a handful of exes. She uses them. When she needs someone to "agree" with her about a new relationship going wrong, someone to side with her and "triangulate" the relationship with, she suckers these people in as enablers or simply recycles them back into a relationship. She has "friends" she only engages when trying to secure a new victim. She brings them around because she needs to create the illusion of "friendship". Then, as soon as she secures the person she talks horribly about the so called "friend" and ignores them until she needs them again.

For awhile after my breakup I stayed friends with some of my exes ex's and a few mutual friends. Recently, I deleted them all from FB. I came to the conclusion a lot of them have some serious issues of their own, hence why they continued to stay in touch with our ex after all the stuff she did to them.

Detachment is not easy but it's healthy.

You will start to see things differently the longer you are removed. That's why NC is so beneficial. 

[bestintentions]

PJ & all-

Thanks for the thoughtful responses.  PJ - like you it's my wish to one day visit a bar/restaurant that my stbxw and I loved, because I have other good memories of the place including other family members.  Unfortunately, it turns out the last time I was there I waited in the parking lot for an hour and a half for her to show up for date night.  It turns out she was having sex with another man and that was the beginning of the end.  True love is blind and deaf.  I can't imagine where I'd be right now without LC/NC.

Trying to rise above... .

bi