The root cause

[Sadly]

My ExBPDbf has a horrid bullying loudmouth father. Apparently he has always been like it. He is vile and even shouts at his wife when she comes home to visit from her nursing home, she has Parkinson's. My ex hates it and gets so upset and sad but he doesn't stand up to him even though he loves his mum very much. When we used to go visit he would get in a terrible stressful state, obviously I copped the lot.
I believe this is where his BPD emanates from.
My ex has a 19 year old son with his ex partner of 21 yrs. The boy has self harmed since he was 16 and has cut his dad out of his life since he was 17. This is heartbreaking for my ex but he will not see that it is anything to do with himself because his quite frankly bullying shouting insistence on "his way or no way" is like watching a replay of his dad's behaviour. He hates it when it's pointed out of course. I only made that mistake once. He loves his boy and He worries constantly and has clearly read a great deal about disorders but still blames it all on his ex partner. Mind you from what I can see of the texts she not quite the ticket either.
He believes that one day his boy will commit suicide, especially if anything happens to his mother as she mollycoddles him like a 5 year old. He doesn't go out, has no friends, just spends all day and half the night on his computer. Poor lad.
I just can't get my head around why my ex cannot see the root of his own problems, that he has BPD, with all the evidence of his father and son laid before him. Occasionally I used to see glimpses of recognition and guilt and he would make some comment and I would think, you do know, but not for long. It's so hard to detach from him, I see and feel his heartbreak and so want to help him but I can't can I ?

[JerryRG]

Hello Sadly

Unfortunately we cannot fix anyone else or help them until they are ready to change. I've struggled with this most if not all of my life, since childhood.

I tried to console my mother when she cried and wanted to give up, later trying to get my dad to stop drinking. Tried getting my mother to stop smoking after her heart surgery. Tried fixing my older brothers marrage, tried getting my oldest brother to come home, still not sure he's alive or not. I learned early on to rescue, as a child it was all I knew so I wasn't to blame.

However I am an adult now and I want to accept the fact I have no power over others. I'm not God, I want to allow others to live, die, fail, succeed on their terms.

I believe this is the definition of Co dependency?

Another part of this is, though as a child, my interface in other people's lives was based partly on my own survival, today it is more likely my way of arranging the world to suite my needs, wishes and wants given to me my way.

It took a long time to accept I cannot change anyone, once I started integrating this fact into my own personality my life and stress immediately got better.

Al-anon helped me free myself from care taking, AA helps me stay sober, or not giving up.

Hope you feel better Sadly

[Sadly]

Hello Jerry
Yeah, I guess I knew the answer. So hard. Have been struggling lately with missing my ex, not the bad bits obviously, but our lives were so intertwined and there was so much we shared and enjoyed as well as the sad bits. When he was talking about his boy and being there when he cried about him, wasn't often he let himself but when he did I was there and regardless of BPD anyone in that situation needs someone to hold them. He is very lonely. I know I can't go back and I have stopped saying " if only" but I am so very sad. Do you know, many years ago my English teacher told me that the most often used two words in English language are "if only" ? I can quite believe it. Hope you are well. X

[JerryRG]

Yes the "if only" and "whys" are traps.

We cannot change the past, I spent most of my life living in regret and resentment until I started to recover. The one thing that I remember that most changed my life was "gratitude"

Once I started to realize what I have now and what I thought I didn't have and wanted or thought I needed my life turned around. Simple thing as gratefulness hushed my self pity and sadness.

The traps that I stumble over today are, lack of gratitude, fear, terminal uniqueness, pride, anger, jealousy, self pity, resentment, laziness. If I'm careful anyone of these rise up and strangle my peace and rob me of life.

It's a struggle at times, I know what to do to be healthy, I just need to take action and do it.

[Sadly]

Well don't worry about uniqueness sweetheart, it's inarguable, we are all unique  . You are also refreshingly honest. Thanks Jerry, I so want this awful sadness to leave me. Sounds rather childish and pathetic doesn't it.
Hope you and your boy are doing well.   x

[lovenature]

I so want this awful sadness to leave me. Sounds rather childish and pathetic doesn't it.

Actually to me it sounds like you have had enough of the pain, like me and many others, and want to move on to a better life. If you look rationally at what you have been through, you will see just how strong you are; continuing to keep going, healing, learning are all signs of maturity.

I continue to struggle everyday with the aftermath of my BPD relationship, frustrated how I can feel better and think I am making progress, only to back slide the next day (sometimes the next hour). I try to always remember to be realistic above all else, it will take what it takes.