My journey with therapy - I

[Nuitari]

The bottom line is this. I wasn't the "immediate threat." I had made some mistakes, but I was not a threat to his marriage. He decided to cast me in that role anyway, and by not speaking out against it, by not explaining my side, I'm accepting that role. That's what everyone is asking of me, and I can't do that. The more I write the more clear it becomes what I have to do. I now have to dig deep and find the guts to do it. I don't know why its so hard.

[C.Stein]

But now, after he tried to ruin mine, all I want to do is tell him that I slept with his wife and then let the chips fall where they may. There is nothing he can do to me that will diminish the satisfaction that I'd feel.

Really?  And what if he replied.

I know she slept with you, I'm not a fool.  She has cheated on me with numerous men throughout our marriage.  You are just one of many.

How would you feel then?

[troisette]

Going back to your original question Nuitari about therapy... .

I'd had a lot of therapy over the years. It didn't prevent me from getting involved with a BPD and two narcissists. There's a rider to that; not much was known about personality disorders when I got involved with the narcissists. I wasn't in therapy when I got involved with exBPD and knew nothing about the disorder.

My therapy, with more than one therapist, helped me gain an intellectual understanding of why I kept repeating relationship patterns. I understood how my FOO had affected my self-perception, how familial behaviours had distorted my view about what was acceptable. This understanding helped me extricate myself but didn't stop me doing it again. Devastatingly, when I met a BPD. Although I understood with my rational brain, the therapy had not altered my instinctual responses.

I was reluctant to return to therapy during the agony after the BPD relationship. I couldn't stand going over the patterns again. In the end I decided to see a regressive hypnotherapist and I'm finding it very helpful. He deals with my subconcious, not my concious mind, addressing my child, not my adult. I find this works for me where conventional therapy didn't.

We're all different and I'm sure therapy works for lots of people. I guess some of it depends on whether we have brains that rationalise, whether we find it easy or not to connect with our emotions, what type of therapy we are receiving and also, the skills of the therapist.

It's not one size fits all.

[Nuitari]

Reforming,

I just read your last reply, and I want to thank you for sharing more of your story. I'll be honest. I can't discuss this here or with my T without feeling like I'm being judged, so I really appreciate your last post. I think your hitting home for me exactly why I'm angry, and you've been able to articulate it much better than I've been able to do. Going back to your comment about the husband reacting out of a sense that his happiness was being threatened, I just keep thinking how ironic it would have been if his actions had prompted me to call him and tell him about the affair. Even if their marriage didn't end over it, it would no doubt have been severely damaged. His actions could have had the adverse effect than what he intended. Instead I did nothing and watched while my life fell apart so that he can preserve his sense of happiness. I was willing to walk away before his actions. I was actually trying to. But he still saw me as someone he needed to take out his frustrations on, and then he gets to just walk away. The fact that he was willing to step on me to preserve his sense of happiness now obligates me to take it away from him. I'm not sending him that letter because I want to, but because I have to. Its an obligation. Its about self-respect. That's how I feel.

Part of me was hoping that, in sharing my story here, and discussing the situation with my T, someone would say something that could change my mind, some words of wisdom that would suddenly enlighten me and remove this heavy burden from my shoulders. The reason I'm so frustrated is because nothing is helping me. If anything, discussing this with others only drives me in the opposite direction. I can't go back. I feel like I'm finally reaching a place where I can contact the husband without any reservations, with no concern for the consequences.  In one way, that feeling is liberating, but its also scaring the hell out of me.

[Nuitari]

But now, after he tried to ruin mine, all I want to do is tell him that I slept with his wife and then let the chips fall where they may. There is nothing he can do to me that will diminish the satisfaction that I'd feel.

Really?  And what if he replied.

I know she slept with you, I'm not a fool.  She has cheated on me with numerous men throughout our marriage.  You are just one of many.

How would you feel then?

I'd have mixed feelings about that. Part of me thinks its about the act of telling him, not the consequences. At least I did what I felt like I had to do. But I would also respond by telling him that he is a very small and pathetic man for not only subjecting himself to that kind of relationship but for also being so willing to destroy the lives of others out of a need to protect something that any self-respecting man would want no part of.

[Reforming]

Hi Nuitari,

I'm glad that you got some comfort from reading about my experience. I shared it to make it clear that I'm not judging you. i've been on both sides of the parapet and when we're in the middle of an affair we are so overwhelmed with drama, emotions and the compelling fantasy that we make poor choices. I know I did.

I work with different companies on a contract basis. My affair was with a junior colleague and despite a lot of chaos I delivered some very good work. My client was very happy and in the immediate aftermath they offered me more work, but I was tied up with other projects. Six months later I reached out and got no response. I contacted them again on a number of occasions and when they eventually responded they told me didn't have anything for me. I know from other colleagues that at this time they were actively recruiting so what was going on?

I'll never know for certain but I think there's a number of possible explanations. The most likely is that senior management had discovered I had an inappropriate relationship with a junior colleague.

How did they discover? It's quite possible that her partner contacted them. It's also possible that my junior colleague could have confided in a senior manager  because she was concerned about working with me again. We parted on amicable terms and I never pursued the relationship once it ended but she was young and insecure and probably felt anxiety about working closely with me again.

This client is one of the best companies in my business and I delivered some very good work so it's disappointing.

What conclusions have I drawn? It's frustrating but blaming her, him or the company is just avoiding responsibility for my own actions.  I was older, more experienced and as her team leader I was in a position of responsibility. I accept that my relationship with her was inappropriate and unprofessional. I don't know if her partner played a part but it's certainly possible. If he did I wouldn't blame him either. I know that our affair caused him a lot pain and harm and I played a major part in that. I've never considered contacting him because I realise that nothing I could say is going to change that and if he lashed out I gave him reason to do so.

The key thing for me was recognise my own agency in what happened. I ended up in this situation because of the choices that I made. The next step was exploring why I made those poor choices - therapy - and working to make better choices in the future - therapy

I'm not judging you but when I read through your original post it strikes me that you made a number of choices too.

at some point I began to develop strong feelings for her.  I was finding that I couldn't wait to see her everyday, and was devastated on those days when she didn't visit me in my office.

Affairs begin with emotional intimacy which is how yours started and this can happen to the best of us but the appropriate and professional thing to do was to withdraw, end or at least limit your contact with her. You were in a position of trust and responsibility and you chose to begin an affair with a student.

Yet I retained my composer and politely told her that it would be unethical for me to see her socially while I was her teacher, but that I would be willing to discuss it further once the semester had ended and she was no longer my student.

She may no longer have been in your class but she was still a student in your college and as a teacher in her college you were in position of trust and responsiblity. Despite this you chose to continue and escalate this affair

A couple of weeks later, out of the blue, she tells me that she's married!  Her husband was in the military and had been away from home for several months.

You chose to escalate the affair even when you discovered that she was married.

Her husband eventually returns home, and needless to say, he isn't happy.  He claims that I took advantage of his absence to pursue his wife, and he actually accuses me of brainwashing her into believing he doesn't love her!  She finally tells me that she can't leave him.

You chose to continue the affair when her husband became aware and warned you to stay away.

To make a long story short, I ended up losing my job, thanks in no small part to her husband calling the school.

 

Her husband chose to retaliate by exposing your affair to your employers.

Your employers chose to end your employment with them. You're a little vague about the exact details of how this happened but her husband didn't fire you. He didn't have that power. Your employers did and given the circumstances do you think that their choice was surprising or unwarranted?

I'm not judging - I've shared my own experience where I made some very poor choices. I understand that you feel very hurt and angry at the pain and damage that all this has caused.

I know from personal experience that taking responsibility for our choices can be so hard especially when we're struggling to overcome the consequences of poor ones. And when this pain feels intolerable we can often feel a very strong compulsion to direct it at others and blame them for our choices.

Learning to recognise my own agency, that I have the power to shape my life for good and bad by the choices I make was my big lesson. It wasn't / isn't easy but ultimately it's empowering. Returning to your original question therapy helped me to do this and offered me tools to help me make healthier choices.

Therapy isn't a painkiller - it's a slog. You chose to go to a T because the wiser part of you knows that you need help.  Millions of people run away from their problems - you've found the strength and courage to face up to yours. if you stick with it - whether its with this therapist or another - you won't just recover you'll be a lot strong and happier.

Good luck

Reforming

[Reforming]

PS our anger at others is often rooted in anger at ourselves. Recovery begins by giving ourselves unconditional love and compassion.

R

[Moselle]

Therapy isn't a painkiller - it's a slog. You chose to go to a T because the wiser part of you knows that you need help.  Millions of people run away from their problems - you've found the strength and courage to face up to yours.

Reforming that is an incredibly insightful post. Thanks for sharing.

I'm curious. It sounds like you have recovered significantly from your experiences. What were the key recovery moments for you , as you earned to make better choices?

[MaybeSo]

Reformer's post is so spot on and wise and provides a healing path forward. It's the medicine that is needed.  Anything else is avoidance.

When I find myself in Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer mode... .it's a signal to me that I am running 'round the barn' to avoid facing myself,  to avoid accepting life's sometimes very harsh lessons, or I am avoiding feelings I don't want to have (loss/grief for example), or I am avoiding self-responsibility and ownership for my life and my choices,  or I'm hooked on drama triangle energy like a drug... .or a combination of the above as they all play off each other.

Some of our choices are made due to ignorance or naivette or we feel seduced/duped. If it ignorance, the lesson is being lived right now.  You will think more wisely in the future should a similar scenario present, as long as you are open to the corrective experience.  Being duped doesn't get us off the hook from a corrective experience, it's not how life works; when we engage in a r/s with someone who has not formally ended their marriage/attachment... .bad things tend to happen b/c it's a Mess and it it's a Triangle.  When it's with someone we work with, or have power-over, it also is a huge risk we are choosing to take.  It's a Mess and it's a Triangle.  If we didn't know how bad it can get when we abandon ourselves this way... .life provides us corrective experiences and it's usually very painful.  Many do not want the corrective experience.  They chose to avoid that and stay on the triangle, which brings chronic suffering but a sense of blamelessness or victimhood.   The corrective experience can be intense, acute, harsh... .but it is grist for the mill and provides wisdom and maturation.

It would be smart to shift your perception here, not due to any moral judgment, it would just be wise to do so for yourself. The therapist doesn't do this hard work for you or to you... .the T simply sheds light on a shadow... .what you do with it is entirely up to you.  Again, choice, ownership.  

Putting more energy into this triangle would be further abandoning yourself, you will get more of what you already have.  More 'victimhood'.

Feel your feelings and let it go.  Give yourself compassion and grace.  Keep the focus on your own life lessons.  

It will serve you well.

[Reforming]

Therapy isn't a painkiller - it's a slog. You chose to go to a T because the wiser part of you knows that you need help.  Millions of people run away from their problems - you've found the strength and courage to face up to yours.

Reforming that is an incredibly insightful post. Thanks for sharing.

I'm curious. It sounds like you have recovered significantly from your experiences. What were the key recovery moments for you , as you earned to make better choices?

That's very kind of you Moselle.

I think the idea of an epiphany can be very compelling but my experience of growth and healing has been about an accumulation of tiny victories, failures and insights that's gradually led to a shift in my awareness.

I researched and explored a lot of therapies but I found schema therapy the most helpful. The inner child dialogues and the guided imagery can be very powerful tools. The challenge is practice them until they become instinctive.

One of the most recent breakthroughs was accepting that my feelings of pain or loss may never completely go away but that I can learn to live with them and move forward and that's ok. In the wrong circumstances I can still default to blaming others rather than taking responsibility for my own life, but I'm much more aware of it now and I do my best to resist it. I think this is a battle we all have to fight.

I still feel that I have a long way to go but that's ok too. 

Reforming

[bunny4523]

Its been a while sense I posted here, and I wanted to update you guys with what's been going on with me. Some of you may recall that my involvement with a BPD woman cost me my job, and so much more, and I've carried a lot of anger over it. I haven't posted here in a while because I now have a new full-time teaching position, which takes up most of my time. I've also been in therapy for the past three months. But to be honest, I don't feel that therapy has done anything to change my mentality. Three months later, I'm even more filled with hate than I was when initiating my therapy. It only grows with time, and therapy hasn't done anything to change that. I haven't spoken to my ex in over a year, and yet I'm still catching her in lies. I can play back conversations in my head and spot contradictions in things she told me, little things that should have been obvious from the beginning. I'm still waking up to the reality that I never really knew her. This person who I fell in love with and had put everything on the line for deliberately deceived and mislead me. She used me to the point where I lost my job, and then she got to just walk away. I can't accept that. I should be grateful for my new job. Its such a relief to learn that my career wasn't permanently destroyed when her husband called the school. But most of the time all I can feel is hate and an overwhelming need to lash out and get even. When I left my last therapy session, I never felt more lost and hopeless. My therapist is great. She's very insightful, and has made me realize a lot about myself. She's good at helping me view things from new angles, and always gives good advice. But none of it changes how I feel. I can recognize the wisdom in her words, and agree wholeheartedly with everything she says, but I'm still just as angry, if not more so, as I was on my first visit. The only feeling I have left for my ex is hate. She's not even a human being to me anymore. Despite learning all I can about BPD, I have zero empathy for her. Some of you may recall that I've been living with this overwhelming compulsion to contact her husband and expose her to him. I finally finished my letter to him a few days ago. Now I'm holding back sending it against every fiber of my being. My therapist said that the hate and desire for revenge is eroding my character. But I just don't know how to let go of it. I've been hurt too badly to just move on and walk away. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. Sending that letter to the husband is going backward, not forward. My brain knows that, but that's not what I feel. I intend to stick with the therapy, but what if isn't enough? I'm really afraid because I feel like I've already made the decision to send that letter, and its only a matter of time now. Is it possible for someone to be beyond therapy's help?

I understand everything you are feeling and have felt it too.  The thing is we are allowed to feel however we feel.   No need to regret or apologize for feeling a certain way and no need to try to change how you feel.  It's how you act on those feelings that matters.

Couple things I caught that might help you.

1) You are angry at her husband for calling the school... .ok so she was married when you got involved with her?  Take responsibility for your choice in that and the grief that followed then forgive yourself and be sure not to repeat that mistake again. I feel like you are giving your ex too much power.  Take your power back, take responsibility for your part in it.  That gives you the power to change it... .by not ever letting it happen to you again, by putting yourself into that situation again.  You move out of victim role which is usually where we feel the most anger.
 2) another way to get rid of the anger by taking your power back is by moving on and being happy.  That is how you win.  I say this because my 17 year old son is still holding on to the anger and unfairness done to him by my exBPD.  I , myself, have come to terms with it and moved on and am happy.  I had to sit him down the other day and listen to him say how it was unfair what happened and how he sacrificed and how hurt he was. I validated and then emphathized and then told him... .how you win is getting past this... .not letting the anger simmer, not being bitter, not letting it change who you are.  You go back out in the world and you continue to open your heart and love.  If anyone hurts you again, get away from it sooner. 

Bad things happen to good people.  Life isn't about the tragedies in life that we experience, it's about how we come out of them with the least amount of residue visible to others.

By holding on to the anger, you are willingly given them power over your life.  You've got to find a way to stop it.  I remember when I went through it, I thought to myself... .he ruined the 5 months of your life, don't give him even a single day or minute more. 

Try writing out everything you can remember that she did to you for a week while the thoughts flow.  Get it all out of your head and put it on paper and leave it there... .  anytime your mind ponders to one of those thoughts again.  Dismiss it... .you already acknowledged you were wronged, released it and put it on paper.  No need to think about it anymore.

I hope some of the suggestions you've heard on this post help you. It's a lengthy healing process and you just have to go through it.  Certain tools/techniques will work better for you, just have to keep trying till you find them.

Wishing you the best and wishing you the feeling of indifference, (it's a very nice place to be)
Bunny

 

[Nuitari]

Her husband chose to retaliate by exposing your affair to your employers.

Reforming, that was a great post. I want to comment specifically on your above quote because its her husband's motivations that I am so hung up on. Despite the choices I made, I feel that I have every right to be angry at him. That fact that he called the school in an effort to get me fired leads me to one of two conclusions... .

1) He was under the impression that the affair was still going on or that I was trying to reinitiate things with her. Neither could be farther from the truth because all I wanted to do at that point was move on and never see her again. I thought he and I were on the same page about that. If he did indeed call the school because of a misunderstanding, you can hopefully see why I would feel the need clear the air.

2) The other possibility is that he called the school just to be vindictive. Not out of an effort to save his marriage, or to end an affair. Instead it was a pointless act of aggression. If this is the case, I just want revenge. Can anyone blame me?

In either case, its hard not to feel like a victim. I don't know which of the above scenarios to believe, but they both leave me with these competing urges to explain my side of what was happening and to just get revenge.

I feel like the outside world sees my story as one where I was having an affair with a married woman and as a result I lost my job. If this was all there was to the story, it would have been so much easier to move on. But some of his actions were pointless, and had devastating effects for me. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. But so did he. He married a woman who is incapable of being faithful and reciprocating his feelings. Isn't that the root problem that he needs to address? In marrying a woman like that he made a HUGE mistake, but seemed hell bent on punishing me for it. Everyone keeps bringing up the fact that they were married as if that alone explains everything. Its almost like being married gives someone a free pass to do very shallow and vindictive things and avoid looking at their own mistakes and problems.

[C.Stein]

Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. But so did he. He married a woman who is incapable of being faithful and reciprocating his feelings. Isn't that the root problem that he needs to address?

Are his choices and his life your responsibility?  Why do you feel it is your duty to educate and punish him?  Given the feelings the request for a letter of recommendation stirred up I would recommend giving some deep thought on that. 

Regardless of who is right or wrong here, the only person that matters here is you.  You did what you did, he did what he did ... .the board is even. 

You can't change the past Nuitari, you can only learn from the mistakes and push forward.

[Reforming]

Hi Nuitari,

I'm sorry that you're still feeling so much pain about what happened.

Maybeso has offered some really wise insights and advice which cut to the heart of the matter. I would try and open your heart and mind to her words. When we ignore the lessons that life gives us they just get harder until we are forced to see the light.

Her husband chose to retaliate by exposing your affair to your employers.

Reforming, that was a great post. I want to comment specifically on your above quote because its her husband's motivations that I am so hung up on. Despite the choices I made, I feel that I have every right to be angry at him.

Nobody is telling you what should feel. The question is whether sending him a letter is will help you move forward and recover.

That fact that he called the school in an effort to get me fired leads me to one of two conclusions... .

1) He was under the impression that the affair was still going on or that I was trying to reinitiate things with her. Neither could be farther from the truth because all I wanted to do at that point was move on and never see her again. I thought he and I were on the same page about that. If he did indeed call the school because of a misunderstanding, you can hopefully see why I would feel the need clear the air.

When I read through your initial post I got the clear impression that you chose to continue your affair even after he became aware that something was happening between you and his wife. This just feels an attempt to rationalise your desire to hurt or punish him and destroy what's left of their marriage; an objective you've stated in other posts.

2) The other possibility is that he called the school just to be vindictive. Not out of an effort to save his marriage, or to end an affair. Instead it was a pointless act of aggression. If this is the case, I just want revenge. Can anyone blame me?

I'd imagine that his actions were driven by a number of different motives - anger, fear, defence but he didn't fire you. He exposed your affair with a student to your employers. If you hadn't had an affair with a student you would never have been fired.

In either case, its hard not to feel like a victim. I don't know which of the above scenarios to believe, but they both leave me with these competing urges to explain my side of what was happening and to just get revenge.

Hard but not impossible. Either scenario does not change your own agency and responsibility for what happened. He hasn't asked for an explanation yet you're insisting that you are entitled to force one on him. Why? To inflict more harm and destroy what's left of his marriage. To try and force him to share your perspective? To lessen your sense of guilt? Whatever your reasons you are focussing on him rather than your own choices and behaviour

I feel like the outside world sees my story as one where I was having an affair with a married woman and as a result I lost my job.

What reasons did your employers give you for firing you? I assume it was because you had an affair with a student (who was also married).

If this was all there was to the story, it would have been so much easier to move on. But some of his actions were pointless and had devastating effects for me. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely.

His actions actions may ultimately prove futile - his marriage may not survive - but they're hardly incomprehensible.  I think it's more accurate and truthful to say that your affair with a student had devastating effects on your life and career. Accepting that you made mistakes is healthy but can you accept that your affair with a student was the primary cause of your pain?

But so did he. He married a woman who is incapable of being faithful and reciprocating his feelings. Isn't that the root problem that he needs to address? In marrying a woman like that he made a HUGE mistake, but seemed hell bent on punishing me for it.

His choices and his marriage are his business - not yours. Getting involved in them is what got you into trouble in the first place.  Staying attached will just mean more misery and harm for you. But if you really want to try and understand his thinking you could imagine what might say if he posted his story here.

I work for the military serving my country. My wife has been struggling with mental health issues for some time and I'm trying to support her and our family as best I can. She decided to got back to school. I supported her and I hoped it might help build her confidence and make her happier.  I was posted away (fighting for my country) and when I came home I discovered that my wife was having an affair with one of her teachers. I was completely devastated. I know my wife is vulnerable and a bit unstable and I feel so angry that someone in a position of trust and authority would exploit his position like that.

Everyone keeps bringing up the fact that they were married as if that alone explains everything. Its almost like being married gives someone a free pass to do very shallow and vindictive things and avoid looking at their own mistakes and problems.

I'm not sure who you're describing when you use the "everyone". I think most of the members I've read have resisted making moral judgements and have offered some really wise advice.

Perhaps one of the biggest lessons that we learn from our experiences is that nobody can rescue us from our own choices. We end up owning them whether we like it or not

If I was in your position I would;

1. Hold off sending the letter for at least 3-6 months
2. Enforce complete NC with your ex. That means blocking email, phone calls, texts and any social media
3. Stay in therapy and work on finding out why you found this relationship so compelling that you chose to violate professional and ethical boundaries and derail your career.  
4. Focus on building a new life. New friends, hobbies and advancing your career.

I'm not suggesting that is in an easy course but I can guarantee you that it will lead to much more happiness and success than allowing yourself to stay attached to a failed destructive relationship.

Whatever you chose we will try and support you

Reforming

[MaybeSo]

But so did he. He married a woman who is incapable of being faithful and reciprocating his feelings. Isn't that the root problem that he needs to address? In marrying a woman like that he made a HUGE mistake, but seemed hell bent on punishing me for it.

  There are millions of 'bad marriages' out there, and none of them create a  problem for YOU unless you entangle yourself in another couples' drama (drama triangle).  You continue to entangle yourself here... .speaking as though some other man's marriage choices are anyone's business but his own. 
 
I know you are hurting and that this has been a traumatic experience going through this.  I can see you were of the mindset that this woman was in a difficult spot and that she pursued you, and that you were only trying to help when it moved into something more, at her invitation or urging.  So, you know now to not b/c romantically involved with a married woman, and to not imagine you can rescue a damsel in distress, whose husband is away on leave, etc.   I can see you thought you were rescuing her.  I can imagine that she conveyed to you that she and her husband were all but over and for good reason and that she needed you.

I am not sure what age you are, or your life experience.

But... .You cannot rescue another adult.  You can try, but it will end badly.  It's not your job.

You can support someone to rescue themselves, but you cannot do it for them.  It is HUBRIS to think you can or should.  This is a painful lesson to learn, but this lesson is here for a reason.   

I hope you can consider, in retrospect, that this woman and her husband (and anyone really) are much much more complex than you are painting here.  No man or woman decides " I'm going to marry a person who is pathologically incapable of being faithful or reciprocating my love.  "  We all know... .that is not what people are thinking or intending when they marry,  anymore than it was your expectation when you became involved with her, right?   

People are complex, as you well know, as you yourself fell in love and b/c involved with this woman despite all the red flags in front of you. 

These people are not one-dimensional, simplistic characters, and neither are you.

Your job is to understand yourself and your own blind spots. You stepped onto a drama triangle, and,  I suspect you are not done with this drama,  and if so, that is fine, as we all have our own path.

I think you are very angry and hurt, and you have every right to feel that way.  As others have cautioned... .it's not necessary to ACT out our feelings.  This man poses no further threat to you.  What's done is  done.  It's over.   Feel your feelings.  Try not to distract yourself from  being with your feelings... .Getting into drama is one of the main ways we distract ourselves from just sitting with our feelings.  When we do that, we abandon ourselves again.

I am wishing you healing and peace on this journey.  This was an especially painful lesson; please take good care of yourself.

Very best to you,  Maybeso

[jasmine-1234]

Hello... .I have not read through all of these responses.

I can relate to the anger you feel.  My BPD partner got me into rages I had never done to anyone else. I acted out on them and feel guilty now.

Maybe you need a new therapist? Maybe this one isn't addressing the things you need addressed?  I find it very difficult to talk to anyone about it.

I also had that thought... .this BPD person is just going to move into the next relationship, not telling the new person about the disorder at all. They will have the painful experience of figuring it out themselves, like I did.  But is that really our responsibility?  In a way we are still caretaking them by thinking that.

I realized we were both using way too many drugs and alcohol.  I found myself in a group called Refuge Recovery, which is based in Buddhism.  When they repeated this meditation, it actually helped me thinking about my BPD ex, letting go of the responsibility to them, even though they can be infuriating.  

I hope this helps in some way, it helped me!  Perhaps meditation might help the feeling of letting go... .

All beings are responsible for their own actions

Suffering or happiness is created through one's relationship to experience,
not by experience itself

The freedom and happiness of others is dependent on their actions,
not on my wishes for them.

[fromheeltoheal]

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