Projecting their body issues?

[isilme]

So H does this thing every now and then where he gets hypercritical of my clothes, what I choose to wear, and an outfit that looked great last week is horrible this week.

I AM overweight, trying to work on it and try to pick the nicest thing I can that fit me as well as possible.  A few years back, I put on about 40lbs from stress, a bad drug interaction with a new allergy medication combined with an antidepressant.  I had to get off both to lose any weight at all, and it's very slow going unless I am willing to go to only 900 calories a day.  I've lost about 20lbs very slowly over about a year, and they have stayed off and am working on another 20, and days when he is positive help a heck of a lot more than ones where he feels he can pretty much tell me I am fat. 

Anyway, we had a long day planned Saturday, and I had about 3 dresses to try on that I felt would go with boots I felt would be the best bet for being on my feet all day, and he nixed them all and went on to critique every single item I brought out to try on.  I could tell he was on edge and this was not worth a fight and so simply explained, "I thought I had plenty to choose from and did not do laundry, this is what I have".  He insists sometimes I need new clothes (I know I really just need to lose weight).  Then he proceeded to go through the same process with his own clothes.  He is about 10lbs over his weight goal but obsesses about how fat he thinks he is, and hates his appearance at all times.  So when he gets fussy about my clothes, I kinda feel he is projecting his own body hatred onto me. 

Does anyone else ever have this happen?   I feel like his body-bubble of feelings is trying to envelop me.

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[Notwendy]

I didn't experience this with my H, but with my mother. She was constantly dieting. I have no idea why as she was tiny and weighed about 100-110.

I have not ever been overweight, but I grew taller than she is and was athletic, so eventually I weighed more. At about age 10 she started telling me I needed to lose weight.  She even enlisted my father in this. In middle school, he told me I needed to lose 5 pounds. Now what father says this to his daughter? My mother put him up to it.

By middle school she started to tell me I was going to be a football player because I was so muscular.

I had a really poor body image, believed I was not attractive. Now, looking back at old pictures of me, I was slim, just taller than she was, and so I weighed more. I was "big" compared to her. She was about a 2 and I was a 5-6. But that was hardly the size she said I was.

My H was different. He seemed concerned about his appearance. If we were going out, he would be very careful about what he wore.  But I could be in sweats and he'd say that was fine. That's good, except it would be embarrassing to me to be out in jeans or sweats while he was all dressed up. I prefer that he didn't tell me what to wear, but it felt odd that he didn't seem to notice either. But if I dressed up, he had to dress up even more. It was almost as if he wanted to be better dressed than I was when we were out. I didn't try to figure this out.  

[WendyDavid]

Hi Isilme

My BPD husband has outright confessed to this being true.  I found out that my husband was not only cheating on me in various ways over time, but he has a sexual attraction to young girls.  It was the discovery about the young girls that caused me to intensely question and investigate who he was attracted to and why.  I discovered that he had been critical of my weight to his girlfriend he used to cheat on me.  However, my husband is overweight.  He admitted that it was his own "intense hatred" of his fat that caused him to tell others that his wife "let herself go" and was not attractive like when she was a skinny young woman.  My husband is also very upset that he is older than he wants to be.  He even criticized his girlfriend's appearance to me, saying she looks 10 years older than her actual age (due to some face and hand lines caused by smoking).  I said I didn't believe him because I look younger than my age so I look decades younger than her and yet he mocked my appearance to her.  He was confused that there would be any comparison between her and I.  He said he was upset that her face and hands reminded him of his receding hairline.

In short, it is not the woman's actual appearance that causes his attraction.  Its the way he feels with her.  To my husband with BPD, he wants his sexual partner to fulfill a role.  If he takes her out, she needs to look like the type of woman that belongs to him.  If she is old, then he is old.  If she is fat, then he is fat.  Since these are his only two "weaknesses", he doesn't care if the woman is embarrassing by her age or appearance.  What he was attracted to was the women smiled and never had their own opinions.  Even though his pothead girlfriend wore what looked like potato sacks and never combed her hair, as long as she acted like she thought he was sexy, he just "imagined" she was sexy too.

The worst part of this is that you can't control how he is going to like/dislike someone's appearance.  Even losing weight has caused anger instead of attraction.  He just hates himself more for not losing weight like I did.  Its all about him.  When he dresses formally, he thinks my formal attire is attractive.  If he is not dressing up, he doesn't care what I'm wearing or hardly looks at me.

The only thing I can advise to you, Isilme, is to get yourself looking as attractive as you want to look and have fun flirting with others.

[isilme]

Thanks - this used to happen a lot more, but has dwindled off.  H IS complaining about his age a lot lately (we are both 39), and thinks of himself as 60-something.  I get mistaken for someone in my late 20s often enough, and most forget I am pushing 40, so I don't know.

I think he was feeling bad because the event we were going to is one he'd like to have a book ready to present himself.  A lot of local artists and writers are there each year, and he wants to be one of them, but it's just not something he makes himself sit down and do.  He also has been rather ill much of the last 3 years, and even at his healthiest he hates how he looks, and often blames me for not telling him if he leaves the house looking bad.  I don't think he looks bad.  I don't think he is fat, bald, ugly, or creepy looking, but these are things he calls himself.  He says I "blow smoke up his ass" telling him he looks nice, and I know it's invalidating, but I've just started telling him I can't help how he feels about his appearance, I think he's handsome, but if he doesn't agree, I can't change it. 

Yesterday, admittedly partly because I felt pretty unattractive from his comments, I called myself ugly.  And he got upset, saying I wasn't allowed to insult his wife, (me) who is pretty.  It's just all weird.  Up is down and down is up sometimes, and when it's not something I feel super strong about, I tend to just let him live in BPD-land if he must.  But when it's something that makes me feel bad, I come here so I can talk about it.  By the time I'd try to talk to him, his emotions have changed and he no longer is ashamed of himself and thereby me, and so the conversation would just be total denial from him. 

I'd hate to feel like he seems to so often.  It's bad enough watching him do it to himself.  I just needed to know if the projection can be more than forms of blameshifting, and that seems to be so.

[Notwendy]

I think when issues like this bother us, it comes down to self care. Congrats on the weight loss - it is hard work and willpower to do that, and as you know it takes time.

I think it helps to stay focused on our goals and interests. We can spend so much time concerned about others and if we have children- we need to be concerned with their needs.

I found it hard to take some time for me in the middle of all of this,  but taking that time if you can helps- and if a healthier you is a goal- then put that time into an exercise class, hitting the gym, and learning to cook new healthy recipes. Reframe that "weight loss" into being healthier and at your best- for you. Then hopefully you won't be as sensitive to your H's projections.

I too have seen that attractiveness isn't all about looks or size. One of the most attractive women friends I have is physically attractive, but she is athletic and confident- I think that's a lot of it.

Some of my friends' marriages have broken up due to cheating. Sometimes the new partner isn't more attractive than the wife. Personally, I think affairs are due to more than appearance. I like Dr. Phil's statement that the way to solve issues in a relationship isn't to bring in a third person but some people do that as it makes them feel good in the moment. TV shows are simplified, but an affair has all the elements of drama, a new person, and yes, someone to make a person feel good about themselves temporarily.

A critical spouse can affect how we feel,  but there are emotionally healthy and good for us ways to feel good about ourselves- exercise and healthy diets work to do that.