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Author Topic: What requirements should I set before I move back to my suspected BPD-wife?  (Read 344 times)
Trygvasson

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: October 05, 2016, 02:16:02 PM »

Im struggling with my wife whom I love and whom I suspect got BPD.

Its been many ups and downs over the last three years of marriage, last night she wanted me to have yet another plan on how to deal with what she sees are majorly problems in me (this time, that I was sad) I was not allowed to spend time with her before I “had fixed mysef” (which means me working long nights and we avoiding each other in our appartment)

I then very quikly decided (via SMS) to her that Im not coming back tonight and that Im now temporarly sleeping somewhere else. She took the news terribly and used a ton of guilt-trips to make me come back

Thing is, I want to go back because I love her and because I see that she is mentally ill (allthough she refuses she got any problem what so ever, (as pr recomendations Ive never brought up BPD to her)). However it just has such a huge negative emotionally cost for me to stay in the relationship, Im so tired of allways being the problem, and I feel like Ive tried every tip listed in multiple books and webpages out there, In addition I (alone) go to multiple therapist (allthough Im not mentally ill) to learn about BPD as well as group therapy support networks in my hometown.

What requirements/boundries should I set before (if) I move back?

There are three things I want:
  1 She accnowledging that she has a role in our relationship dynimic
  2 She going to talk with a therapist about whatever she want (perhaps the therapist se the same thing as me)
  3 Us going to couples thearapy

You have other suggestion of things that might be important for me to say/not say as requirement?

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate the feedback people in this forum are giving.
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jrharvey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 301


« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2016, 03:22:13 PM »

Just personally I think what you did was a strong move. Her putting these strict requirements on you and then saying your not allowed contact until you FIX yourself? What is it she wants you to fix? is it so bad? The fact that she is pushing you away and when you stay away she flips out wanting you to come back shows that she is manipulating and trying to control you. The guilt that follows is just a tactic to get you back to do what she wants. I went through something similar a while ago where I listed out my requirements and she can choose to follow or not but if she doesn't then I have the right to protect myself in those situations whether she likes it or not and remove myself all together. I wont tolerate abuse anymore and if she chooses to be abusive I will remove myself from the situation.

My list... .

These are my wants... .
-See a therapist regularly
-Learn about BPD from youtube and books
-Learn DBT skills

These are requirements... .
-No more physical violence. No matter how mad you think you are.
-No emotional or verbal abuse of any kind. No name calling, putting down or judging negatively
-No silent treatment used to punish. I was clear that being sad and quiet is different than silent treatment. Telling me that she needs time to think and work through her feelings is ok. Refusing to talk or answer questions or play with her phone or text when I am trying to resolve something is silent treatment.
-No more isolation. Don't try to keep me away from friends, family or work because of insecurities
-Must respect my time at work. Don't call or text while I am at work and expect an immediate response. Don't get mad if it takes me 5 minutes or longer to see your text. Be more understanding that I have a job and have things I have to do.
-Leave the past in the past.

This doesn't mean she will completely change overnight and it would be crazy to think so. It just means this is what you expect and if she chooses to do break these boundaries then you will take action and you should take action. Ive had to remove myself from the room and even the house when she gets out of hand. I wont try to clean up her messes anymore. If she doesn't try then it doesn't get fixed. Luckily she always wants to make things better and tries when she is

This is all just my opinion and what I feel like works for me right now. If you value yourself she will see value in you. If you TRULY value yourself then nothing she says or does can break you down.
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