This just gets messier

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't where to start.  My exBPDbf ran away in the midst of an alcohol binge about a month ago.  He called me a week into it in severe withdrawals and I took him to hospital.  After he was cleared to come home he moved back in with me.  We reconnected he talked about how stupid it was and how he just wanted a safe home and how much he loved me and our life together.  He was wracked with guilt and just couldn't understand how I'd take him back.  He advised that my life would be better without him and all he could think of was suicide.  He rebooked in with his psych and drug and alcohol counsellor and applied for detoxs.   He was looking into couples therapy options.

Then a week into the recycle (or whatever)  he said that in his drunken binge he and one of my best friends met up.  She offered him alcohol (which I am furious about) and then asked him back to her place.  I'm fairly sure nothing happened but her intentions were there.  I had an international holiday planned with this girl. I have to tell her that I simply do not feel comfortable going with her. That had been a whole hurtful saga with her dismissing me and saying that she did nothing wrong.  Really hurt by that.

I find about this and tell exBPDbf that I'm upset that I'm sick of not trusting people and he needs to try harder.  He says that he is sorry and the pull of alcohol is too much for him at the moment but he said he knows he needs to stay sober for me.   I go to my parents house in the country for a few days.  He sends me a bunch of messages advising that he's sorry that he'll do whatever it takes but says that he is really struggling to relapse.

Then he relapses.  He says that he is scared of ruining my life and I shouldn't have to put up with him.  That he doesn't feel he can live without alcohol and it's too much.  He runs away again.

There is a whole week with no contact.   Then I get strange song lyrics.  Then I get messages advising that he hopes that I am happy and he is actually trying to do the right thing by me.  He says that he is destined to die drunk and alone.  He says that he has tried to meet other people but none of them understand.  I know he has been sleeping around.  I wish him happiness even though he can't see it.

Then last night he calls.  He is as depressed as I have ever heard him.  He is in crisis accommodation and has been beaten up and intimidated by some much bigger, scarier alcoholics.  I am terrified for him.  Says he needs to see me, needs to come collect I.D. for rehab (he left nearly everything here at the flat when he left). 

I'm scared for him and I tell him to come back and say safe and to work with the police and the staff at the crisis accom in the morning to say safe.  He comes back we hug.  He says that he doesn't deserve a nice life like this with me and tells me he doesn't think he can be sober.  We both cry and cry and cry.   We cuddle and watch a movie.  I tell him he can't have alcohol and me in his life because alcohol turns him into a terrible person.

I don't know what to do next. I'm just trying to give my self space but it hurts. I'm so confused. Sorry for the super huge post.  Kudos if you can get through it.

[Pipedreamer25]

I don't where to start.  My exBPDbf ran away in the midst of an alcohol binge about a month ago.  He called me a week into it in severe withdrawals and I took him to hospital.  After he was cleared to come home he moved back in with me.  We reconnected he talked about how stupid it was and how he just wanted a safe home and how much he loved me and our life together.  He was wracked with guilt and just couldn't understand how I'd take him back.  He advised that my life would be better without him and all he could think of was suicide.  He rebooked in with his psych and drug and alcohol counsellor and applied for detoxs.   He was looking into couples therapy options.

Then a week into the recycle (or whatever)  he said that in his drunken binge he and one of my best friends met up.  She offered him alcohol (which I am furious about) and then asked him back to her place.  I'm fairly sure nothing happened but her intentions were there.  I had an international holiday planned with this girl. I have to tell her that I simply do not feel comfortable going with her. That had been a whole hurtful saga with her dismissing me and saying that she did nothing wrong.  Really hurt by that.

I find about this and tell exBPDbf that I'm upset that I'm sick of not trusting people and he needs to try harder.  He says that he is sorry and the pull of alcohol is too much for him at the moment but he said he knows he needs to stay sober for me.   I go to my parents house in the country for a few days.  He sends me a bunch of messages advising that he's sorry that he'll do whatever it takes but says that he is really struggling to relapse.

Then he relapses.  He says that he is scared of ruining my life and I shouldn't have to put up with him.  That he doesn't feel he can live without alcohol and it's too much.  He runs away again.

There is a whole week with no contact.   Then I get strange song lyrics.  Then I get messages advising that he hopes that I am happy and he is actually trying to do the right thing by me.  He says that he is destined to die drunk and alone.  He says that he has tried to meet other people but none of them understand.  I know he has been sleeping around.  I wish him happiness even though he can't see it.

Then last night he calls.  He is as depressed as I have ever heard him.  He is in crisis accommodation and has been beaten up and intimidated by some much bigger, scarier alcoholics.  I am terrified for him.  Says he needs to see me, needs to come collect I.D. for rehab (he left nearly everything here at the flat when he left). 

I'm scared for him and I tell him to come back and say safe and to work with the police and the staff at the crisis accom in the morning to say safe.  He comes back we hug.  He says that he doesn't deserve a nice life like this with me and tells me he doesn't think he can be sober.  We both cry and cry and cry.   We cuddle and watch a movie.  I tell him he can't have alcohol and me in his life because alcohol turns him into a terrible person.

I don't know what to do next. I'm just trying to give my self space but it hurts. I'm so confused. Sorry for the super huge post.  Kudos if you can get through it.

[thisagain]

This all sounds very difficult to deal with. I can tell how much you care about him, and how hard you've tried to be there for him. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. 

One phrase of yours jumped out at me - "alcohol turns him into a terrible person." I think a lot of us end up staying in really unhealthy situations because we try to separate the 'real him/her' from the disorder (BPD, alcoholism, etc). We think that all we have to do is get them to fix the disorder, and then we'll get to have a happy life with the 'real him/her' who's under there. With a personality disorder, it's definitely not that simple.

Do you have access to an Alanon type support group? We are always here for you, but it sounds like you could also benefit from some more focused, in-person support.

What do you want for the relationship right now? Do you believe him when he says he doesn't think he can be sober?

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your support thisagain.

I've really tried to help but I think I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that he can't be sober right now.  It is a very dark and complex thing and the BPD makes it almost impossible for him to explore other therapies.  I just feel very lost.   I'm booked in to see a therapist next week to get some help do some self inquiry all that stuff - it's just hard at the moment.

[Sadly]

My dear PD
am so sorry you are going through this right now and so very sorry for him too. I can relate, my ex is an alcoholic too.
One thing I do know for sure is that your best friend ? who did that to you and him is no friend. To be honest you have better friends on here. Sorry but what a total cow. At least you can have nothing more to do with her which is good.
It sounds as if your ex needs to be somewhere residential for a while, much as you care you cannot look after him without serious damage to yourself. You can't work on building your own self up if you are trying to look after him sweetheart.
When is your trip planned for and where are you going?
Thank you for your reply to my other post, one of the good things about being here is that even in the midst of our own struggles and grief we find time to help others. My goal one day is to come here called Smiley, not Sadly and give more support than I can right now to others who are just beginning their own long journey to freedom.    xx

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you Sadly, your responses always cheer me up although I am sorry for the circumstances that has has lead you here. 

He is in crisis accom with the aim of detox so will have separate accom for some time.  It's part of the reason that I've forced myself to go on this holiday just so I'll be out of the country and out of contact.

My friend's behaviour has hurt so badly especially in a time when I'm so low.  She just couldn't accept any wrong doing and basically attacked me.  I was thinking that I'd have to suck it up and play pretend and go along with her but her responses have confirmed that I've done the right thing.  I'm headed to Vietnam for a few weeks.  I just need to give myself some space from everything and try to prevent any more hurt.

[Sadly]

Awww, that's nice, thank you. Well, he's in the best place and it will be up to him what he does with it won't it, you have tried your very best. As for your friend, well, very sad but she's no great loss is she, now she's shown her true colours.
Vietnam, wonderful, so much to see and absorb. I nearly went a few years ago but ended up going to Sri Lanka and then India instead. Traveling will be so good for you. I travelled around for years, sometimes 3rd world countries and sometimes places I could work to get money to carry on traveling. Great life. My mum used to say, when you going to come home and get a proper job and my dad used to say, leave her be Patty, she's enriching her life and learning just fine.
Nice memories, I know you will make some too.   xx

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you Sadly,  it's funny travel was what I hoped to do before I met him now I've got time and all I want is for him to come back!  This has been a really difficult day - spent most of my time crying in a work bathroom desperate to call him.  I haven't spoken to him for three days now.  I really hate this.  I hope you are having a much better day than I am.    xx

[Pipedreamer25]

Today just feels like a big weight on my chest is pushing down.  NC since Wednesday.  He tried to call me and I didn't respond.  Stuck wondering if he is okay.  It's impossible to tell if he's ignoring me or genuinely in trouble.  Trying to convince myself that this isn't my place anymore but my heart hurts.  Missing him hurts.   

[anothercasualty]

Today just feels like a big weight on my chest is pushing down.  NC since Wednesday.  He tried to call me and I didn't respond.  Stuck wondering if he is okay.  It's impossible to tell if he's ignoring me or genuinely in trouble.  Trying to convince myself that this isn't my place anymore but my heart hurts.  Missing him hurts.   

I hope it helps to know what you are going through is normal for this type of situation. You will start worrying less about him, and you will start focusing more on you. It takes time.

Give yourself a break. He's a grownup. Let him take care of himself.

Peace to you.

[babyducks]

hi Pipedreamer,

I'm sorry you are hurting.   I know how tough this is.   I understand the complex swirling mix of emotions that come from being with a pwBPD.   

A long time ago I picked up a book by a guy named W. Brad Johnson and he said this "Borderlines are impulsive in ways that are usually self destructive."   My partner didn't drink but had a positive genius for destroying any good thing that might be happening in her life.   She was never more at home than when she was suffering from some self imposed catastrophe.   And she was usually unaware of her role in things.   Living with a toxic amount of internal shame and loathing she kind of self leveled her playing field.

I know you just want the pain to go away.   I know you want to return to the good times you had.   I think the way out of the pain and the hurt is to understand what you have just been through.   To learn why you had this significant bond and what did/does it all mean.   It makes the pain more manageable.   You can get through this.

People a lot smarter than me have spent a lot of time figuring out why humans react this way.   Why humans have this compulsion to return to the person who hurt them.  Sometimes they call it a trauma bond.

Sometimes they talk about the addictive process of becoming attached to some one who continually promises something we desperately want and need only to have that promises broken at the very last moment.   Do you, by any chance, remember Lucy with Charlie Brown's football?   Lucy always promised to hold the football so Charlie Brown could kick it.   Except at the last minute she always pulled it away and Charlie Brown fell flat on his back.   Why did Charlie Brown keep trying to kick that football?   Conditioning and intermittent reinforcement probably.  I bet Charlie Brown felt much like us.  At some level he understood that he was in a relationship with no mutuality, no collaboration or cooperation but he still went for the football.   Not trying to kick the football was harder for him than ending up flat on his back.  Wow what does that say about Charlie?

I think that means we need to change our own internal workings so that not kicking the football is easier.  That is a long process.   In the beginning you just try and burn through it.  Find distractions, make it difficult to locate the football.   Then you work on understanding and learning.

hope this helps.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your kind responses anothercasualty and baby ducks.  I think what I need to work on the most is just how I compartmentalized everything.  I was incapable of seeing that the bad things he did to me and to other people were also a part of him - I always justified it as being part of the disorder and not 'the real him'.  It hurts me writing this but I have to come to terms with the fact that although it was part of the disorder it was still part of him and there should have been consequences.  I feel like I justify people's behaviour all the time - it's part of the reason I'm able to do the work that I do and like to believe that I have extreme empathy.  I did not want to believe that the bad parts of his behaviour were also part of him for the longest time and I'm struggling with this concept now. 

[Pipedreamer25]

So I'm really not sure what's going on anymore.

He calls me on Tuesday night says that he just needs to see me and he wants to come back to our bubble.  Says that I was the love of his life but he could see that his behaviour was destroying me and he couldn't live with himself for that. He says that I have a bright future whilst all he can think of is alcohol or suicide.   He is living in crisis accommodation and is surrounded by violent people with all sorts of issues.   

He says that he is in a dark place and doesn't know how to figure himself out.  Says that he doesn't want to drag me down with him and says that he knows that even speaking to me is selfish.  I told him if this is how he feels then I can't change.  I tell him that I do miss him but I don't want to put pressure on him. 

He comes round to pick up some stuff.   I'm honestly so happy to see him that I let him stay.   He says that he is sorry that it can't work.  I ask him why he wanted to come round and he said that he missed me terribly.  I asked why he left in the way he did - he said that he honestly thought he was doing the right thing trying to get out of my life.  Figuring out everything is too hard at the moment.   am still in love with this man.  He tells me that he'll never get over me but he isn't sure what's coming next.   I just wish this past month had never happened.

Not sure why I'm writing or what I want.  I'm just lost.   

[Milka]

I'm so sorry for what's been happening to you recently. I know you care about him and love him, I can totally relate to that. My ex was getting uncontrollably drunk too. He would binge drink during weekends and then come to me crying, depressed, remorseful and begging for a cuddle on Sundays. All he wanted was comfort coming from me and I was giving it to him, crying with him, stroking his hair and letting him feel safe in my arms. But you know what... why do they always beg us for help and seek safety in us while all they do is shatter our own well-being? Why do we let them do it? What about all the broken promises that they will get help, stop drinking, change... all until they get drunk again... ? Why do we have to always rescue them while they give us absolutely nothing apart from massive heartache. They make us feel like we are responsible for them and we feel like we cannot leave them as they won't cope without us. But this isn't true... I walked away when I simply had enough and when his actions almost destroyed me. I never stopped caring but I realised that it was his responsibility to fix his issues, not mine. I was there to help him for 2 years and he didn't want to do it with me, so I let him be and do it without me. Now, 1 year later, 1 new girlfriend later, millions of new lies later NOTHING has changed.

Please think about yourself in all of it. I know how hard it is and trust me my ex still occupies my mind hence why I'm here. He never really disappeared but one thing I achieved is that he is no longer my responsibility. If he truly loves you and wants to change and stop drinking, he will seek help and do it all with you, or without you. 

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks for your response Milka I could definitely learn a lot from you.   The alcoholism makes everything so much harder.   For so long he was saying that he was trying to give up but over the last month he's finally been honest and said that he doesn't think he can.  He has been through a lot of trauma that would take a lot of work to recover from.  He says that he just isn't ready.  It breaks my heart but I'm trying to think of myself.  I honestly don't know what to do next.  I don't think I'm ready to let him go.  I still care for him deeply I just need to learn to think honestly and see reality as it is.  I'm really sure what's what at the moment. 

[Milka]

he's finally been honest and said that he doesn't think he can... . 

He says that he just isn't ready. 

Believe him then. He will not change, definitely not right now. You should leave and care about him but from a distance. You are more important in all of this. What's the point in staying there for someone who admits he isn't ready to change? Not even willing to try! Please leave him for now and look after yourself. If he does get help and starts therapy, there is always a chance you can be together again, but in a much healthier way... but I wouldn't hope for it and rather utilize the time without him on moving on. If he gets better, excellent, but if he doesn't at least you will already be one step ahead in your own healing process. 

[Pipedreamer25]

You are very right and wise Miika thank you for your help.  I can't keep torturing myself with what isn't possible right now or  possibly ever.  I'm just finding it very difficult to let go.  They are two very horrific diseases  

[Pipedreamer25]

I feel like today my heart is being torn out.   Mum is back to clean up more of his stuff put it away into bags.  I haven't heard from him in nearly a week - I'm trying hard to see this as a good thing but I'm just heart broken.  I'm off overseas for two weeks from tomorrow and I just was hoping for... .I don't know something. 

[Sadly]

Ah, PD, I feel for you. Getting away is going to be good for you, away from all the reminders. Try and block your messaging and emails, get really away from it all. Try and make sure everything of his left in your home is gone so that when you come back it will be easier. I believe the hope thing is called malignant hope and it's awful I know. It's hard to stop hoping and wishing. It's so hard when you care so much. Take time out from the wishing and hoping and look to the real wonders you will see in Vietnam, that's where your going isn't it, would love to come with you. Be strong sweetheart and enjoy. Will be thinking of you.   xxx

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks Sadly, yes I am indeed heading to Vietnam - would love your company!  I guess I stupidly expected to hear from him tonight and I feel let down that I haven't heard anything. Really let down.  I know it's ridiculous.  I think you're right about the concept of malignant hope and god it sucks.  You sound like you're in a better place after your holiday (replied to your other post).  I hope things continue to go well for you.  I'm still on a long journey just trying to take it step by step and not fall apart. 

[Pipedreamer25]

Hey all, I'm in vietnam in the sun and I feel terrible.  I just miss him so much and am so worried about him.  I really am trying to focus on myself but I'm just no capable at the moment.  I saw a couple getting married yesterday and just broke down it was awful.  I miss him and it hurts.

[Sadly]

Hi PD
I feel you, I really do. I went away once to Corsica in one of our break up times and felt exactly the same. People holding hands in the street made me cry, having dinners together made me cry, them sitting with each other, me sitting with my book. Awful. It made me remember the holidays we had taken together and miss him so very much. However, when I thought about it clearly, out of all the holidays we had, only the first one was lovely and even that was spoiled for two days when out of the blue he raged at me thinking I was looking at some guy in the casino. Ridiculous, I was so much in love and only had eyes for him. That was a first, and I knew nothing about BPD then. I stupidly thought he must love me very much to be so jealous. All the other holidays were marred by his drinking and rages and insistence that we did everything his way. That was the reality. I know it's not nice to think of bad when you are on holiday but if you are already hurting try and imagine the reality of what it would be if he were with you and try not to envisage it through the rosy glow of what you would like it to be. I am thinking of you and hope you feel better soon.
Lots of love from Sadly    xx