Adult daughter announcements and accusations

[Anyname]

I am new here and in desperate need of feedback/input/advice. My daughter is 24 and told us a few years ago she had BPD. She had emotional problems as a teen and we were probably overprotective as a result. When she said she had BPD, it was self-diagnosed from the internet. We tried to get her to seek counseling, but she was already an adult so we had no recourse when she refused. Her behavior does match that of a BPD diagnosis so we tried to watch out for her and assist her when necessary. Several months ago she started seeing a therapist, and more recently she and her long time boyfriend broke up because she cheated on him. Last week she sent me a text in the middle of the night saying my husband/her father had sex with her repeatedly when she was a child and it's his fault she has BPD (she says her therapist agrees with this diagnosis). This has destroyed me! She and my husband were very close when she was growing up. She preferred spending time with him and got upset if she had to do something with me instead of hunting or fishing or other activities with him. There were no signs of abuse, she never even hinted at it, and my husband denies anything inappropriate ever happening. She has said she needs me to take her side, but I don't know how. She has a history of lying and my husband says it's not true. If true this would have happened almost 10 years ago so it's truly a case of he said, she said. Of course I want to believe him, but that would mean she's telling the worst imaginable lie. How can I possibly know the truth? How do I move forward from here? I want her to get the help and support she needs. I feel so torn. Can someone with experience dealing with BPD please help me to sort through this situation? Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Anyname:   

I'm so sorry about the situation with your daughter.  It must be disturbing for both you and your husband.   What emotional problems did your daughter have as a teen?  Has she been angry with you and her father recently?

Do you know who her therapist is?  Just wondering if it is possible to contact the therapist to see if you can discuss the situation with him/her.  Maybe you could have a session with her therapist and then maybe family counseling with a separate/neutral therapist at a later time. 

Others with more experience will likely have more valuable input.


The thread below might be helpful:
Emotional Memory Management:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

You might be interested in reading the posts at the links below.  They are to older thread with similar situations to yours:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140260.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137717.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140947.0

[Anyname]

Thank you for replying, I will take a look at the links you provided. It's extremely disturbing! When she was in high school there were 3 suicides over just a few months, and 2 of them were friends of hers. She developed intestinal problems, never wanted to go to school, and we learned years later she was cutting. She wanted to be put on independent studies, so we did that and she spent the days at work with my husband - at her request. Once she wasn't surrounded by the drama of school she was much better and we thought she was getting through it. She was active in sports and theater and seemed to be adjusting well. She did always need to be right, and would get extremely angry if anyone tried to correct her. She would also lie about things there was no reason to lie about.

She moved into her own place at 19, then moved back in with us a year later at 20. She lived with us for 2 years, and only moved out a few months ago. When she moved in with us she was an emotional wreck, prone to angry outbursts toward me, not bathing regularly and vague about where she was going. We had moved 3 hours away, so she had to make a conscious decision to move to us.

Within a few months of moving in she had settled in, got a job, and just seemed much more stable overall. We were only planning on her being with us for 6 months, but we didn't want her to move before she was ready. She has denied there being any drug or alcohol issues, and we didn't see any evidence of it while she was with us, but we don't know what she would have been doing when she was away.

We were getting along, she started counseling, had a new boyfriend, a job she loved and she got an apartment with a roommate, and came to visit fairly regularly. There were regular, small family disagreements, but no major falling out. After a few months she stopped visiting as much, and we figured she was busy living her life and enjoying her independence. The increased anger and the recent accusation came just a couple of weeks after she and her boyfriend broke up.

She says it's her dad's fault she has BPD and she is unable to have a functioning relationship because of him. (We think it's the breakup that triggered the accusation.) Now she says the abuse happened "all the time" and she never said anything because she was protecting her dad, then she was protecting me.

I do have her counselors name and have considered contacting him. I only hesitate because I don't want her to stop seeing him and I'm afraid she will if she even suspects that he might tell me anything. I am also considering asking my husband to take a polygraph. I hate the idea of that, but I feel like I need to prove to her that I'm hearing her, taking her seriously, and trying to do the right thing. I've also looked into residential treatment where she can have a full assessment and evaluation, and get an accurate diagnosis and some more intense therapy to help stabilize her.

I'm such a stranger to this whole situation, I want so badly for her to be OK, and to keep my family intact. Thank you again for your response.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Anyname:   

Ordinarily, your daughter's therapist probably wouldn't share any information with you.  There could be some different ethics in play in your situation.  It might be advantageous for you and your husband to seek your own counseling with a therapist familiar with BPD and discuss how to resolve the accusations.  Perhaps that therapist might inquire with your daughter's therapist about the allegation she made in a confidential manner.   

Of course you want to believe your daughter, but people with BPD are known to lie and blame others.  A professional could help you sort this out.  You could have your husband take a lie detector test, only to have your daughter fail to acknowledge it.

You might be right that the break-up with her boyfriend sent her into full BPD mode.  Has she ever been treated for depression and/or anxiety (any meds?).  BPD is a spectrum disorder and the cause can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  Does anyone on either side of the family have any mental health issues?

My sister has had her issues, but exhibited BPD behavior, when our parent's health began to fail.  I was painted black and blamed for various things and she bad mouthed me to others.  It all seemed so bizarre.  I was the one who went to therapy and learned that my sister was likely exhibiting BPD behavior.

If you haven't read any books on BPD, the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" can be a good place to start. 
 
The links below on the subjects of lying and blame might be helpful:

A Theory on the Pattern of Blame


Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

[need a break]

Hi,
We had a similar situation a few years ago. My D was diagnosed and then all of the sudden in family therapy she told me I watched while another family member sexually abused her. That I actually watched and did nothing about other then to yell at her. This she says happened at the age of 3.

This tore my heart out, this young women who has been so ill since she was around 11 now has a proper diagnosis of BPD seems like she needs a reason to be this way. its as if she googled BPD and found something that she new would tare our family apart. After many months of therapy I was told the best thing to do is the following statement:
"I am so sorry that you have this memory, it must have been very scary and painful for you to have been put in that situation". " I love you and wish that you did not experience that".  This advice was given to me by a DBT expert while she was in RTC. Validation... .

My D being the BPD that she is still uses that statement to this day to manipulate and cause drama.

Be very careful. I love my girl to the moon and back but I also know that she really believes this happened.
This is a huge trust issue for us.

Sending you strength and praying she will recant and apologize.