Should I contact BIL about MIL w Alzheimers

[martillo]

FIL (who I believe is UNPD) and MIL w Alzheimer’s Disease (who I believe is UBPD) have been living next door for the past 14 months so we can help w their care.  MIL’s disease and cognitive functioning has worsened significantly over past 6-10 months.  Neurologist says she is now a high stage 6 or low stage 7 on the 1-7 Alzheimer’s scale but feels with her relative good physical health she could live into her 80s (FIL and MIL are both 77).  We have recently started hospice for MIL. 

My UBPDh’s brother (BIL#1) also lives nearby and was helping out some.  I am not sure what happened but BIL#1 has not called, visited, spoken to FIL, MIL, H, BIL#2 or SIL (BIL#2's wife) since April.  H refuses to contact BIL#1 as do FIL and BIL#2.   Based on family patterns and conversation w FIL, I know there was some sort of flap between FIL and BIL#1.

Prior to FIL and MIL moving back to be near us, H and BIL#1 and BIL#2 were "no contact" with each other... .H and BIL#2 now have an uneasy truce... .BIL#2 and his wife live out of state.

Here is the codependent controller in me coming out…lol - should I contact BIL#1 to let him know that if he wants to spend any time with his mom while she can still recall who he is, he should do it now?  I would text him... .

Here are my motivations:  1.  BIL#1 was always sort of "mama's boy."  and 2.  I would want to know if it were my family so I could make appropriate choices (although an Al-anon bud says BIL#1 knows his choices... .)

My "de-motivator" is I know it will most likely stir up the mud from the bottom of the dysfunctional family pool... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

   
Hey Martillo: 

Sorry about the progression of MIL's Alzheimer’s Disease.  Sounds like you have some challenging family dynamics. 

Should I contact BIL#1 to let him know that if he wants to spend any time with his mom while she can still recall who he is, he should do it now?  I would text him... .

Here are my motivations:  1.  BIL#1 was always sort of "mama's boy."  and 2.  I would want to know if it were my family so I could make appropriate choices (although an Al-anon bud says BIL#1 knows his choices... .)

My "de-motivator" is I know it will most likely stir up the mud from the bottom of the dysfunctional family pool... .

Generally best to go with your intuition (demotivator) and stay out of the line of conflict. What does your husband think?

  If you do contact him, probably best to not use texting.  Maybe you could send a friendly, somewhat neutral note via US Mail?  You could just let him know that you wanted to update him on his mom's diagnosis/prognosis.  Let him decide what he wants to do from there.  Probably don't want to tell him what to do (i.e., better visit your mom soon, etc.)

This link below to the Karpman Drama Triangle might be helpful to you.  Towards the end of the article, the "Caring/Winning Triangle" is discussed.  Also, at the very end, there are two links to discussion threads.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[martillo]

Thank you, NN!  I initially wasn't sure about sending a letter, but after much thought and some changes in the whole situation (MIL refusing all meds since July; speech has become unintelligible and behavior very anxious and belligerent; sundowning which is wearing out FIL because of lack of sleep; refusing personal hygiene care; having increasing episodes of incontinence; hospice prescribed Seroquel and Remeron last week for behavior and sleep which I crush and give in food; hospice and home care provider company asking us if we have considered placement) I think I will send a letter to both BIL's stating the clinical details; the financial details for placement (I have visited multiple assisted living facilities, memory care facilities, long term care facilities at FIL's request) and the details of what care is being provided now - sort of like Joe Friday - just the facts, ma'am!

H and I have been living apart since July - not sure where we are headed, and the conflict w H doesn't help the situation.

 I love my in-laws and am one of their POAs and they both probably trust me to make sure they are cared for more than any of their sons but blood is thicker than water - LOL!.  It is just a big struggle, right now to know the right things to do ... .I am glad that I have been able to learn what I've learned on this website ... .o/w this would all be unbearable!

[martillo]

And I have also joined an Alzheimer's online forum which is helping with some of the medical / health questions and issues!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Martillo:   
Your MIL and FIL are lucky to have your help! The Seroquel and Remeron will likely take a few weeks to give benefit.

I think I will send a letter to both BIL's stating the clinical details; the financial details for placement (I have visited multiple assisted living facilities, memory care facilities, long term care facilities at FIL's request) and the details of what care is being provided now - sort of like Joe Friday - just the facts, ma'am!

It can be very time consuming and difficult to choose a care facility.  It is probably a good idea to share the info. and if others want to join in on making a decision, they won't be able to say they didn't have an opportunity.  My mom was between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities for the last 6 months of her life.  Even after visiting nursing facilities and checking ratings and inspection data (and staffing ratio) from a government website, that inspected and licensed skilled nursing facilities in our area, we still had problems with our choices.  All you can do is make the best choice you can, with the information at hand.

You can't go too wrong with just sharing the facts with a pleasant comment that you wanted to keep them informed. (and then let it go)   Their conscience will be their guide and let them decide what action they want to take.  They will each have their own would'a, could'a, should'a down the road, should they choose to ignore the information you share. 

Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.  Don't forget to take care of yourself!