What am I complaining for?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Back in my teens, I had a great interest in dreams in combination with art. I gradually found out about the Surrealist and Dadaist movements, and in my University years, I was a huge fan of said early-20th-century art movements.

I was such a big fan of these 2 movements that I was consumed by them. And then it stopped. I took a few wrong turns, a few unlucky missteps, and things gradually became more somber. Everything had to make sense all of a sudden. Everything had to be coherent, logical, in order and downright boring. If things wouldn't make sense, then I would protest vehemently for reason, logic and coherence to prevail.

Fast forward to now. I crash like a test dummy into a person with many BPD traits. Sure, there was pain -- a lot of it. But there was also absurdity, irrationality, illogicality, ridiculousness, ludicrousness and, yes, surrealism.

Her pièce de résistance, her masterpiece, her magnum opus, she left for last; and that's when I realized how surreal this was. It felt like I was in a dream, and that reminded me of my University years, the Surrealist and Dadaist movements, and how things were so much more fun because they didn't have to make sense, and everything was open to interpretation.

So, I got what I wanted. What the hell am I complaining for?

 

[hollow]

Back in my teens, I had a great interest in dreams in combination with art. I gradually found out about the Surrealist and Dadaist movements, and in my University years, I was a huge fan of said early-20th-century art movements.

I was such a big fan of these 2 movements that I was consumed by them. And then it stopped. I took a few wrong turns, a few unlucky missteps, and things gradually became more somber. Everything had to make sense all of a sudden. Everything had to be coherent, logical, in order and downright boring. If things wouldn't make sense, then I would protest vehemently for reason, logic and coherence to prevail.

Fast forward to now. I crash like a test dummy into a person with many BPD traits. Sure, there was pain -- a lot of it. But there was also absurdity, irrationality, illogicality, ridiculousness, ludicrousness and, yes, surrealism.

Her pièce de résistance, her masterpiece, her magnum opus, she left for last; and that's when I realized how surreal this was. It felt like I was in a dream, and that reminded me of my University years, the Surrealist and Dadaist movements, and how things were so much more fun because they didn't have to make sense, and everything was open to interpretation.

So, I got what I wanted. What the hell am I complaining for?

 

[fromheeltoheal]

What the hell am I complaining for?

Dunno hollow, do you?

But really, to me it's what part of your life, or what part of you, you put her in in your head.  Protesting for coherence with a borderline will likely be disappointing and futile, you might attest, while considering the nonsense fun would be a very different experience, pretty much what you said, so are you able to firmly put her in the latter camp, and maybe that's what drew you to her to begin with, or does she spend time on the other side of you, where things are painful?

[hollow]

I can safely say that I've managed to put her in the latter camp now, especially after managing to get some kind of closure out of her (it was a first for her, she admitted!), and after her parting absurd request.

I would definitely not want another go at this for the purpose of looking at the whole thing again from this lens (the nonsense fun type), not even as an experiment. However, I will be looking at the past memories through this lens from now on, for sure.

You can have too much of a good thing! (sarcastic, of course)

[hollow]

I don't understand myself.

How much more proof do I need for me to simply walk away? a) her reality changes according to her mood, b) having her in my life brings chaos, drama, turmoil and absurd situations and all of this ends up making me look crazier than her, c) in the long run, she is utterly selfish and disrespectful, and d) she took away all commitments, promises, intimacy and love she initially made/gave/showed.

I don't understand me. I seem to be going through long spells of "having dealt with everything in my head," and then end up putting myself back into situations with her that just prove the above.

It's like I need a constant reminder that this person is this. I understand I'm obviously unable to paint her black the way BPDs (or people with a lot of traits) do, and kinda try to find a way to keep reminding myself by interacting with her after some time. It just ends up making me look crazy in the end. I can't be constantly angry in order to keep reminding myself, and I can't NOT show compassion or understanding.

The facts are there. It's my mood or approach to it that seem to alter.

I'm gonna try different ways of keeping myself in check and forcing myself to paint her black, akin to the film Memento.

I need to paint her black forever.

[Mutt]

Hi hollow,

I can't be constantly angry in order to keep reminding myself, and I can't NOT show compassion or understanding

I hear conflict with anger. Are you worried about feeling angry?

[VitaminC]

I don't understand myself.

That's actually a good realisation to have, hollow, although I think you might be a bit angry with yourself as you write this ?

I said and wrote similar things many times over and got very frustrated with myself for my failure to hold on to what I worked out.

How much more proof do I need for me to simply walk away?

I got pretty interested in the concept of proof and evidence. I constantly questioned what constituted it, how I could amass enough of it, how I could be sure I was using the right and the same "filter" for selecting it.

I worked out that the words my BPDex said didn't matter. What mattered were his actions. And how he would often parrot my own words back to me as if he had thought of those things. Once I calmed down and went into a kind of scientific observation mode, I was able to see the patterns of behaviour and the inconsistencies.  

Later on I relied on notes, texts, emails, chats, and photographs - everything that captured the moments of incomprehension, the lies, the absurdities. I made myself look at the things and accept that there were two realities, his and mine. In the end, I chose mine.  

I don't understand me. I seem to be going through long spells of "having dealt with everything in my head," and then end up putting myself back into situations with her that just prove the above.

Yes, and you will keep doing that until you settle on a method. A way to hear what's true for you.

I'm gonna try different ways of keeping myself in check and forcing myself to paint her black, akin to the film Memento.

I need to paint her black forever.

Try that. And if by "paint her black" you mean "get her out of your system", it's true. That's what No Contact, properly used, is good for. To get our partners out of our daily lives and thoughts. To help us to see ourselves more clearly.  

Have you seen this? : https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[hollow]

Hi hollow,

I can't be constantly angry in order to keep reminding myself, and I can't NOT show compassion or understanding

I hear conflict with anger. Are you worried about feeling angry?

I'm fine with anger as long as it's productive for me. Actually, I try to use all my intense emotions productively. Maybe I should have phrased it as "it's impossible for someone to be constantly angry as a reminder".

[hollow]

I worked out that the words my BPDex said didn't matter. What mattered were his actions. And how he would often parrot my own words back to me as if he had thought of those things.

I find the parrot thing very annoying. I can't even begin to describe the circles it creates.

Focusing on the actions is a thing I've been trying to do a lot in the past few months. A murderer will go to court. No matter how he justifies his actions, he still murdered another.

I am angry at myself and frustrated too, of course. I was never this controlled by my emotions and acting on impulse before she came into my life.

I wasn't fond of the No Contact method for many reasons, but I see that I have to put it in my mind, even though I'm getting the silent treatment and have been blocked from everything. In practicality, nothing will change, but in my mind, at least, I'll set myself a strict measure.

Will check the link again for good measure, as well. Thank you.

[Mutt]

Hi hollow,

I'll leave you with this. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, anger can also help us detach from unhealthy r/s's.

[VitaminC]

I find the parrot thing very annoying. I can't even begin to describe the circles it creates.

Unfortunately many of us have a pretty good idea of the circles it creates. There's even a Workshop on stopping circular arguments! It's here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Despite the pain I was in when I first came across this some months ago, I found some of the member's stories and examples hilarious. As would be many of my own examples. Hilarious because ridiculous, and true. It had me laughing through my tears.

I am angry at myself and frustrated too, of course. I was never this controlled by my emotions and acting on impulse before she came into my life.

These relationships have a way of bringing many surprising things out of us, and unearthing stuff that was there, latent and waiting to come to life. Not to sound dramatic or anything.

Eventually, I got interested in what made me stick around with this individual who seemed to have the short-cut to my oldest and most deeply scarred over wounds.   Wondering why I reacted, felt, behaved, and stayed as long as I did was what started me on the journey. I found it to be a very a worthwhile one.

Keep going, hollow. Keep posting and reading and thinking. We're all here.

[hollow]

Thank you both.

The anger is there most of the time in general. I don't usually externalize it towards people, never towards animals or anything. It's more generic. I therefore use it in productive ways, and never in antisocial ones.

I've been lurking on these boards since April. They helped immensely. I even moved on completely for two whole months (ironically enough, that's when I created a username on the boards). Then we bumped into each other. Things were worse, of course (her BPD traits became... .more severe), but since I didn't have to "deal with it", I didn't pay attention to her. Then something happened and it just broke everything, and the whole unresolved 2nd breakup from before was brought to the surface.

Anyway, been battling with roller-coaster moods for a month now. I just have to ride it out. It was a slap on the wrist. I learned my lesson yet again, and I don't want to "experiment" or "test" anything anymore. Just need to ride it out and come up with a system for remembering. Maybe keywords like "parrot" "control" "disrespect" to remind me of certain things. I'll figure the system out.

Thanks once more.