Gw980
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: October 07, 2016, 06:02:14 AM » |
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Hello,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I want to share my experiences for my own sanity and to warn others.
I (36) have been with a woman (40) for 4 years who I truly now believe is a Borderline Personality. I simply cannot account for what has happened any other way. I'll try to tell you my story in as concise a way as possible.
We work on ships. I met her in the bar one night in 2012 and things got very intense very quickly. In those early days red flags kept popping up but I ignored them because I had never felt so ADORED, just for being me. She repeatedly told me she had never met anyone like me, within weeks she had covered her walls with photos of us together, she wanted to make commitment rings for us, basically it was obvious she wanted me to be HERS completely. She would stare at me with a very concentrated gaze, would tell me how beautiful I was, and also how dreadful every other man in her life had been - he was a weirdo, he was a cheater, he did this to me, he said that to me, etc - quite clearly she saw herself as a victim. Outlandish stories of her two previous husbands' many abuses and betrayals. I sympathised and she would tell me she had never met anyone with whom it just kept getting deeper and stronger. It was bliss.
She revealed she came from a highly troubled background - alcoholic father, violence, a mother who desperately tried to keep the family together but who was clearly also a victim in her eyes. She hated her father, described him as a psychopath, whilst Mum was obviously a saint. I also learned she was a very profound Christian - well, that I now see as suspect, because her recent actions haven't reflected much of Christian charity.
She moved heaven and earth to stay with me on the same ship (I had worked there years) , and everyone got to know us as a devoted couple. She flared up horribly whenever she perceived another woman as a threat. I can quite clearly remember a night when I introduced her to a close female friend of mine, a lady old enough to be my mother. The cold stare this lady got from my girlfriend was chilling, although she did eventually accept her. It happened with another female friend as well. It was obvious she was insanely jealous, but I now believe the jealousy was for my attention, not me. She even seemed to be jealous of my 8 yr old son! I can't remember what she said now but I just got this FEELING that she was jealous of him.
However, she was so sweet and affectionate and erotically passionate that I overlooked the more worrying aspects. Now that I look back, however, I think a little voice in my soul was always saying "don't fall head over heels for her" and I always kept a part of myself reserved. It was nice to be with her, but for a long time I couldn't ever quite buy her absolute adoration of me.
I think now what made me nervous was that her love was very childlike, in fact she often said "I think inside I'm just a little girl". Huge red flag, but it made me want to protect her. However, whenever I said or did anything she perceived as a criticism, she would have an absolutely appalling meltdown. I would feel like he biggest ogre on earth. One day early in the relationship I said something which she interpreted (wrongly) as an insult, and she sulked and cried for a whole day. I apologised profusely for upsetting her. I'll never forget her reply : "I don't want to be beaten, darling". It was totally disproportionate to the comment I'd made.
In the article I read here I leaned that BPs will often have mysterious physical maladies. This is so true. She was always coming down with something, headache, backache, colds, in fact she was rarely healthy. I am a protective guy and would always show huge concern.
Another very interesting thing in light of my research into BPD is that she would ALWAYS tell me whenever another man complimented her. "This guy said I looked so sexy with my hair this way", "this guy told me I was so charismatic", etc. There are dozens of examples. Ok, she is a beauty, no doubt. I thought she was sweet to be so honest about these other men, as if she didn't want me to hear any rumours so was being upfront. She always said she didn't want any other man's attention. However, I now think she actually LOVED the attention. What a fool I was.
In December she got a new job on a different ship, but she told me I was perfect for her so never to worry whilst she was away. I didn't like her leaving, but what could I do?
I proposed to her on holiday in January. I had finally fallen in love with her, head over heels. She seemed delighted, saying she was marrying the man of her dreams. Everyone congratulated us as having found the perfect match in each other. She told me she loved unconditionally for the first time in her life.
Anyway, the whole reason I have come to learn about BPD is her recent behaviour. In July we went on holiday with my son and she started making very cold, cutting remarks to me, almost like she was implying I wasn't a real man. It was hurtful, but I thought well she's just in a bad mood. But I knew something had CHANGED in her. It was the look in her eyes. Cold, blank, as if she knew I was hurt but didn't care. Sex became a non-starter. She said one night "you know I don't like to have sex all the time, darling". Actually, I thought the exact opposite up to that point. And the weird thing with my son again, like she seemed to resent him.
Then I went back to work on my ship on August 16th. She was still at home. I started feeling when I called I was an inconvenience, whereas before if I'd called 10 times a day she would have been delighted. She sounded... .bored. I see now it was already over.
She went back to her ship on September 1st. Suddenly our regular Skype chats became erratic, whereas before we had a prearranged time every day to talk, now two or three days would go by without a word. I started to get alarmed, especially in light of her recent coolness. My friends and family all told me to stop worrying, she obviously loved me so much.
We saw each other for one day in port on September 16th. She was pretty much her normal self, greeted me with a hug and kiss, introduced me to people on her ship as her fiancé, however again... .no sex. I didn't make a deal of it, but I knew something was off - two months earlier she'd have ripped my clothes off.
Then after that meeting - NO CONTACT for 10 days. When she did finally reappear she was hostile, grumpy and accusing, not the sweet angel I had come to know. She virtually accused me of stalking her (absurd), she said I controlled her, she felt trapped, that I wasn't good for her, etc. She threw every perceived criticism or insult from months, years ago in my face. Her tone was weird whilst she was doing this : she sounded petulant, whiny and bored. I eventually asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and said irritably "I don't know" and then the line went dead. There was no sense of remorse or guilt or sadness, it was just a bored, spoilt little girl who felt, once again, that she was a victim of a horrible man. However, I hadn't DONE ANYTHING. I hadn't cheated on her, there had been no argument I could remember, nothing. It was a ghastly and sudden fall from grace.
Since then, I've heard nothing from her. I have been through a period of incredible mental anguish, wondering what I did wrong, blaming myself, being hurt and confused. I could never ignore someone as she has done me, it would rip my conscience apart.
I think now that last, pathetic conversation was her breakup speech. The immaturity if staggering. I have reached out to her once since, to say I am always here for her whenever she wants to talk. I see now that played into her hands beautifully.
Dear readers, all this is what led me to try and find an explanation for this extraordinary behaviour. I think in BPD I have found my answer. No woman I know would break up with someone like this, especially not someone they said was the best thing that ever happened to them! Nothing, not another man, something I have done, a personal crisis can account for this behaviour. I have gone from the Man Who Can Do No Wrong to a complete non-entity and it has been devastating, confusing and frightening. What's even worse is I'm technically still engaged to her.
When someone is too good to be true they usually are. Mark my words and I hope you never experience what I have.
Bless you for reading.
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