Broke No Contact - Help.

[JJacks0]

Hey guys, I'm back. Posted in the Saving board originally, but I'd really like to hear opinions of members on this board as well.

A few nights ago, I broke 2 months of NC and sent a Snapchat to my ex. I won't lie... .I had a few drinks, a song that she loved came on, and I sent her a snap of the music. I didn't say anything else, and I really didn't think she would even open it. I know it was possibly a poor decision, but my logic at the time was that it was something insignificant enough that it really didn't require any response. And it didn't feel as intrusive as a text/call/email.

Well she opened it. She said nothing that evening, but the next day I had a voicemail. It was her. She said that I had been on her mind, she just wanted to see how I was, and said she hoped we could talk later. I've missed her desperately for months, (to a pretty pathetic degree)... .but when I heard her voice my hands literally started shaking I was so anxious. I waited a few hours, tried to collect myself and think, but I did ultimately call her back.

We talked for an hour, caught up... .found out she's been dating someone for a few weeks but that there's no label yet. She said it's just been casual. That was the last thing I wanted to hear, although I did expect it. Thinking about it still makes my stomach sink. She said that she feels like she needs to meet new people and be more outside of herself. She also said that she was fighting all the change in her life before, but now she's just decided to go along with it and take it into her hands. From what she said, it seems like she's just really pushing herself to do things she never would have done before - new experiences, new people, new everything.

Then she asked if I wanted to get together on Tuesday, just as friends, for coffee and a walk or something. I sort of agreed, but I was pretty hesitant and definitely still am. I love her so much, and that's the problem. I don't want to be just friends. After 7 years, I don't even know how to be just friends with her. But I miss her and would love to see her too. I admitted that I don't think I've moved on at the same pace as her, and that it's hard for me to hear her talk about someone else. She suggested we just try it and see how it goes.

I really still want to work on things with us, but she shows no sign of interest in anything other than friendship. I just find this all strange and confusing. It's hard to imagine how she could just have no residual feelings for me anymore after 7 years together. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, nor do I mean to suggest that she's being disingenuous about her intentions/state of mind. But 2 months ago she was saying she loved me, planning trips, and a future together... .telling me how devastated she would be if she lost me. If she really felt that way at the time, how is she okay with being just friends only 2 months later? I feel like considering our history you'd need more than 8 weeks to transition to comfortably being just friends. I look at "normal" relationships around me and can't imagine those involved being able to move on like that so fast. I've even asked friends who are in relationships of a comparable length, and they say no way could they be just friends so soon after.

The last time we spoke prior to this, she told me that it was too confusing to be around me when she was trying to move on. I assume because she had too many conflicting feelings about me.
So what's happened in 2 months? Is she okay with it now because she's met somebody else? The way she describes it as casual is unlike her as well. When we first got together she was very aggressive - she pursued me very intensely and was quick with everything... .defining our r/s, having sex, moving in, everything. So this "casual" dating is out of character for her when she really likes someone. I also wonder how serious it could be if this person is okay with her spending time with her ex of 7 yrs only 2 months after really calling it quits. Either it really is that casual, or she's just not planning on disclosing the fact that we're in contact again. I'm really not trying to trivialize whatever is happening with this person, I just can't really figure her out right now.

Regardless, I worry that she just wants me in her life again now because she has this person too. Maybe now she won't find it so confusing to be around me when someone else has piqued her interest.
My biggest concern is that it will go really well seeing her... .I'll have a great time... .and then come home feeling empty and sad because she's not looking at me the way I'm looking at her anymore.
Or that we'll start to hang out again routinely, I'll think things are going well, but she'll also be pursuing this other person and building that r/s while I fall into best friend category.

I know no one can predict what will happen but I also know that many of you here have experienced this, if not currently experiencing it. I'm not sure exactly what advice could be given, but I feel pretty lost and torn on this.  I wanted to hear from her so badly, but I don't like what I've heard. I'd appreciate any input you have to offer.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JJacks0,

I can very much relate to your feelings, which are normal and make sense. You are still not over her, which is understandable—I wouldn't be either.

I think that trying to be friends with your ex, whom you still want to be with in a romantic way, while she is with someone else, is a recipe for more hurt. I was in a similar place with pwBPD, and although we both agreed that we were going to be friends, and I thought I had worked through my romantic feelings for him and could accept that, the feelings between us started all over again, and the second breakup was even more painful. He was still involved with a girlfriend (that he had been breaking up with for months), but insisted that they were just roommates, etc., etc., ... .in other words, he minimized his relationship with her, and I fell for it, again.

Now they are married. About a month after he sent me a message declaring his love (I didn't respond, we had been NC for almost a year). He had also declared his love for a former, former girlfriend while we were supposedly so much in love. Then backtracked, and had so many turnabouts in his feelings toward me and others that my head was spinning.

My point is that someone with BPD can experience their feelings for someone turn on a dime. You mentioned that it wasn't "normal" for her to be able to be in another relationship so soon after having declared her love so strongly for you—but that is exactly what IS possible with BPD. Feelings=facts. In the moment. And they can change to the opposite in a split second. That was my experience, and it was probably the most damaging thing about our relationship (aside from my own bad choices).

I encourage you to take more time to recover from this relationship before attempting to be friends. Even in a "normal" relationship breakup situation, which this is not, people need time to heal before they try to be friends with an ex—you said so yourself.  

I'm speaking from my experience, JJacks0, and yours is not mine. We all understand what you are going through, and support you, no matter what you decide. With effort, patience, and understanding, so many things are possible! If you do decide to be friends with your ex., I truly hope that it will become a solid friendship that brings joy to your life. That is what you, and everyone here, deserve.  

heartandwhole

[JJacks0]

Thanks so much for the reply, heartandwhole.

Logically, I know you're right. This could be even more damaging. It's just so tempting when I've missed her so much. It's like feeding the addiction, which I know sets me back but provides that temporary high I haven't had in so long.

I guess I also thought that since she's not actually in a relationship with this new person yet, it might just end. I would be much more comfortable spending time with her then. I'm not so secretly hoping that she will stop seeing her. Of course it may just be devastating until (and if) that happens.