She contacted me I need advice.

[Nuitari]

I just came across an email she sent me five days ago. After everything, she has the nerve to ask me to write her a recommendation letter! I gave so much of myself to her, to the point where it cost me my job, my home, everything, and she just keeps asking more and more of me. Here is what she wrote... .

How have you been? I hope everything is well with you. Could you send a Letter of Recommendation on my behalf to a pharmacy school? If you cannot write/send the same letter you wrote for me before, please let me know. I completely understand that it may be a very big request and I apologize in advance if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

This is so typical of her. She can't see anyone else's needs but her own. I've spent a year fighting the urge to write her telling her how much I HATE her. Its been all I can do to hold my anger inside, and now she wants me to write a recommendation letter for her? Am I crazy for wanting to do it for her? I'm hearing the dual voices again. Part of me wants to tell her to go to hell, but there's this other part that wants to be her knight in shining armor and write her an amazing letter. I know I'll feel an overwhelming sense of guilt if I don't do it. But how can I keep living with myself if I write that letter? THIS is exactly why I hate her. She twists my mind in so many different directions that I don't even know what I'm feeling, or even what I'm supposed to feel. I'll hate myself if I do it, and I'll hate myself if I don't. I need advice. What should I do? Please help. I'm a basket case right now.

[JerryRG]

If I were you, I wouldn't do anything for her, I believe you will only feel bad for helping her and she gets her fix from you.

For your own good and self respect, I would ignore her request. She's just using you one more time.

They use people, if we allow it

[Mutt]

Hi  Nuitari,

I suggest stepping back and look at the whole picture .

I've spent a year fighting the urge to write her telling her how much I HATE her. Its been all I can do to hold my anger inside, and now she wants me to write a recommendation letter for her? Am I crazy for wanting to do it for her? I'm hearing the dual voices again. Part of me wants to tell her to go to hell, but there's this other part that wants to be her knight in shining armor and write her an amazing letter. I know I'll feel an overwhelming sense of guilt if I don't do it.

What happened in the past when you did favorable things for her? Did she hurt you? It's a letter of recommendation but what message would that telegraph to her if you wrote her that letter? Could she view this act as an invitation for her to re-introduce herself into your life? Putting her foot through the door.

It reminds me of this old saying. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

[Nuitari]

This will be the first thing I ever refused her. This is unbelievably hard. We were so close once. I can't believe its come to this. I've been so filled with hate, and now she's asking me to write nice things about her. I don't even know if that's physically possible. What I do know for sure is that I can't just ignore her. If I choose not to write it, I'm letting her know why. I want her to know what she's done to me. I want to know that I am in therapy, that some days I'm only hanging on by a thread, and that I'm actually considering throwing away my job. I'm a complete mess, and I want her to know that. I suspect, though, that all she'll take away from it is that I'm not writing a letter for her. Its all about her. But this incident has helped me realize something. The reason I haven't been able to seek the revenge that I so badly want is because its hard to do something bad to someone who's asking you for help. Sense she's known me, she's always looked to me to help her, and its hard to let her down. Deep down she's just a small needy child.

Here's something else I can't help thinking about. Suppose I do write her a really impressive recommendation letter. Suppose it does play a big part in getting her into pharmacy school. What if it further widens the rift between her and the husband? Her education and desire to better herself has always been a hot button in their marriage. Suppose this is the thing that destroys. What if she meets someone at pharmacy school and has another affair? What if it all hinges on my letter? If my letter can help get her admitted, I'm very tempted to write it because I know its going to put a strain on that relationship.

[Mutt]

You're thinking at the macro level. Don't put so much pressure and obligation on yourself. I hear you thinking a lot about her. What about you? What do you need?

[Nuitari]

I need that marriage to fall apart, but I'm guessing that's the wrong answer.

[JerryRG]

I believe any response only serves to provide her with supply, I have found that trying to justify my actions, telling my exgf how well I'm doing, how I've changed, just falls on deaf ears.

Last encounter I had was last week, I tried to get my points across and just made matters worse. JADE?

One day I will simply ignore her and then I will know I am free, until then I keep myself a prisoner to same old behaviours that didn't work then, now, or ever.

[Nuitari]

Mutt, I do take your meaning. Writing that letter is going backward, not forward.

How can I both want revenge and come to her rescue every time she calls my name? What is wrong with me? There is part of me that will always be grateful to her. Sure, she used me for her own immediate needs, but why me? She's very attractive, and could have had her pick. Why did she choose me? What did she see in me? I can't help but feel honored that someone so beautiful thought that I was deserving of her time and attention. When I first met her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I actually got to be with the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. How many can say that? I never thought I would ever be with someone like her. There's always this voice in my head telling me that, instead of being angry with her, I should be grateful for what attention she did give me. Maybe that's why I want to help her so badly. Or maybe its because she built me up to be her knight in shining armor and I'm afraid to disappoint her. Why do I still need the approval of this person? Someone who I harbor so much hate for? She really scrambled my emotions up so badly that I don't think I'll ever get them straitened out again. I wish she'd never sent me that request. There's a hundred different conflicting feelings going through me right now. I hate her so much for doing this to me.

[Fr4nz]

If I'd be you, I wouldn't write the letter and keep NC without giving an answer. Silence is, in itself, an answer you'll give her.

This is the logical thing to do.

Then, there's your hearth... .but, if possible, I'd try to follow the only logical option you have.

A hug

[Nuitari]

I believe any response only serves to provide her with supply, I have found that trying to justify my actions, telling my exgf how well I'm doing, how I've changed, just falls on deaf ears.

Last encounter I had was last week, I tried to get my points across and just made matters worse. JADE?

One day I will simply ignore her and then I will know I am free, until then I keep myself a prisoner to same old behaviours that didn't work then, now, or ever.

Not responding is easier said than done. I was never closer to anyone in my life. I can't just turn a cold shoulder to her after our history. I've grown very comfortable with hating her, but I still can't tolerate the thought of her hating me. I loved her, and for some reason its still important to me that she knows that. What if she takes my lack of response to mean that I've moved on? That she was just a phase I was going through? I don't want her thinking that. I want her to know what she did to me and is still doing to me.

There's also this. We ended things on not-so-bad terms. I never had the guts to express my anger to her, and she's not going to understand why I'm just ignoring her emails.

[Mutt]

Sorry I cross posted. . I think that the letter signifies that it might be a good idea to self protect with minimal to no contact, it will give time and space to do self work and to take care of yourself. I don't think that there's a right or wrong here, I get the revenge thing and I wanted to get back at my ex wife at one point to.

BPD by nature is unstable and broken relationships, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and the best thing to do is do nothing. Let nature take it's course and take that energy and become the best version of you that you can be. For me that meant boundaries, taking really good care of myself and bodybuilding. My ex taught areas to work on, first it was detachment and learning how to react differently to emotional immaturity. I was looking for happiness in others and I wasn't happy with myself, she taught me to stick up for myself and stop putting up with abuse.

I needed boundaries, if I think about it, I was assuming other people would not harm me and knew what I wanted. How do they know what my limits are? I had to put limits on myself, boundaries us an invisible protective outward layer that protects us from harm, it's about self compassion and self love. Self care is important, off you're happy then others around you may notice and take extra care of themselves too, if you're happier loved ones are happier and we don't find ourselves in unhealthy r/s's.

[Nuitari]

She's never ignored a message or phone call from me. Not once. I have to give her that. She would have never ignored an email from me. How can I do that to her?

[Mutt]

Your thread title. You're asking for advice.

[amunt]

If you want her back ignore her , to be her stepping stone will change nothing.

But you must not want her back, you must imagine yourself with better womens,
you must tell her to go to hell and free yourself

[Nuitari]

No matter which way I go, its going to suck. There's so many different voices right now in my head telling me to do this and that. I can hold my head higher if I don't respond. I can get some of my dignity back. But it seems such a cold thing to do. Part of me thinks that I should at least reply and let her know that I'm declined to write her a letter. But what if writing that letter actually gets her into pharmacy school? What if that is the thing that indirectly breaks up that marriage? ARRRRRRGGGGG!

[Nuitari]

If you want her back ignore her , to be her stepping stone will change nothing.

But you must not want her back, you must imagine yourself with better womens,
you must tell her to go to hell and free yourself

I don't want her back. I stopped returning her calls a long time ago. Its why we no longer talk. If I saw her somewhere in public approaching me, I'd run the other way. No lie. Just look at what this email from her has done to me. For my own mental health I could never take her back.

[patientandclear]

She's never ignored a message or phone call from me. Not once. I have to give her that. She would have never ignored an email from me. How can I do that to her?

It is the very fact that, as you mentioned further up the thread, you have never declined anything she's asked, that will make the decision to decline to write the letter meaningful. It's not your first instinct and she will know that.

Should she be asking you for this?  Maybe that question deserves some attention.

[amunt]

If you want her back ignore her , to be her stepping stone will change nothing.

But you must not want her back, you must imagine yourself with better womens,
you must tell her to go to hell and free yourself

I don't want her back. I stopped returning her calls a long time ago. Its why we no longer talk. If I saw her somewhere in public approaching me, I'd run the other way. No lie. Just look at what this email from her has done to me. For my own mental health I could never take her back.

Then why you must be her puppie and make fun with you to her friends?
Be a man, dont respond

[C.Stein]

I need advice. What should I do? Please help. I'm a basket case right now.

My advice is do nothing, say nothing, remain NC.  This sends a clear message to her (and yourself) that you are done with her.  This is really more important for your own healing Nuitari.

Clearly you still have feelings for her and this is probably why you are having such a hard time with detaching.  You are vacillating between love and hate, not wanting to let go.  I understand how difficult this is, 14+ months out and I still struggle with it, but there is absolutely nothing you can gain here from helping her.  She IS only thinking of herself and you have absolutely no obligation to her now.

If you really feel the need to reply then I would recommend keeping it a very simple and polite decline.

[Fr4nz]

Be a man, dont respond

... ."be a man": what does it mean to be "a man" in your opinion? That does not seem a so useful suggestion to me... .

[joeramabeme]

Don't want to add too much confusion to all the differing opinions but I would agree with Mutt and Patientandclear; honor yourself first. 

Sounds like you know what your answer is but have been thrust back into the center of, heart and mind at odds with one another. 

The hardest part for you Nuitari will be deciding how you prioritize your needs.  There is no wrong answer, just the one that will best serve you and your healing.

[Visitor]

I completely understand that it may be a very big request and I apologize in advance if it makes you feel uncomfortable. 

She has clearly given you an out above so I'm not sure why you are over reacting to the email. Also 5 days had already gone by before you saw the email and the world didn't come to an end.

Actions speak louder than words and you are sub-communicating that you are clearly not over your ex.

I would say that 99.9% of people asking if they should reply end up replying despite all the advice not to. You are in an emotional bad state and the pull is too strong.

[Nuitari]

I'm not writing that letter. No way in hell. The more I think about it, the more I think I would end up hating myself for doing it. I think just I backslid a little and fell into my old mindset when first seeing that email, but I'm stronger than that. To date I haven't responded in any way, and don't have any immediate plans to. I'm still wresting with that one though.

Just so I'm clear, I absolutely meant it when I said I don't want her back. That's not what this is about. My problem is that it had to end this way, with her last communication to me just being outright ignored. We were so close once, and now it feels like we're strangers. I never wanted it to come to this. All I ever wanted was some kind of closure, and this feels very anti-climactic. If things didn't work out with us, I always assumed that I would have the option of walking away and moving on with my life. She's never let me do that. I always imagined our final exchange being one where we said our goodbyes and sincerely wished each other the best, and then we go our separate ways. That's all I needed. She made that impossible. Every time we said our goodbyes, she'd resurface again needing a favor, over and over and over. I just hate that it had to end like this, but she's not giving me a choice.