Lost at sea

[thrownforaloop]

It's been half a year since the separation with my exBPDw. I've moved across the country and I'm living with my brother. I was able to keep my job, but now I work from home, instead of an office. The city is beautiful, my job is fine... .on paper, things should be pretty decent, but the reality is... .it's not.

I've been exercising consistently, exploring, going to a few meet ups and still, I find it very hard to be happy. I feel like I can't care enough about anything (the way I used to). This appears to be a big rut that I'm not sure how to get out of.

A few days ago, I met up with a really beautiful woman who I met on tinder. We hung out for a few hours and I thought it went really well... .yet I think she unmatched me afterwards. Have I become detached from reality and can't read a situation anymore? It's bizarre. I used to be able to tell the difference between someone being interested or uninterested in me.

The true irony is... .I'm beginning to feel the symptoms that someone with BPD has. The lack of sense of self. The apparent self-absorption where I can't read someone else's feelings. The struggle between being really clingy and being too distant from people I care about. How fragile my self-esteem is right now.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[hope2727]

Its been 2+ years for me. All I can tell you is that it does get better. Its not a linear progression to recovery. Some days are good days some days are bad days. I struggle with meeting people and in truth caring about things I used to. It takes lots of time. The only thing I seem to care about right now is my guitar lessons. It took me a year to stumble upon music lessons and they have helped me find my soul again. Maybe just keep experimenting until you find something that speaks to you and sparks a glimmer of joy again.

I am sorry about your tinder match. There is no point worrying about what other people think of you. Just keep exploring yourself and time will slowly pass and eventually you when you least expect it you will laugh again.

Meanwhile sending you hugs.     

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi thrown-

I can relate.  6 months isn't very long after a 5 year relationship, but it's long enough to no longer be focusing on the past and the ex full time; it sounds like you're in that place?  And there's this kind of dead zone, where the overwhelming trauma that is the end of these relationships and the period following is over, but we haven't started creating our empowered future yet, so we're in this kind of limbo of the present, living in the moment, sure, but only the moment.

And frankly we need the rest, after the stress of the relationship and ending it, not a bad thing rest.  But the limbo gets old yes?  So the way out is to create a vision for your future, and make it big and bright and compelling so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you'll be going on faith initially, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and you'll realize after a while that you hadn't thought about how stuck you once felt in a while, because you're too busy living your life.

A happiness is created by progress.  And happiness can be a weak goal really, when we focus on progress, instead of trying to achieve happiness, we just happily achieve.

So tell us thrown, what does your empowered future look like?  What are you doing, and who are you doing it with?  What emotions do you experience most often?  How fulfilled are you?  The life of our dreams may just fall in our laps, but probably not, much better and predictable to create it.  And that starts with questions: what does it look like for you?

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks, hope2727. I appreciate that.

That's wonderful that you found guitar, that sounds really nice.

I've had some really good days, here and there, but on the other hand... .days like today seem so bleak. Anyway, I'll take your word that it just takes time. I'll try to work on some projects. Some days it's incredibly hard to be creative, but I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again.

[thrownforaloop]

Hey fromheeltoheal,

Thanks for such a thoughtful response. You're very right. This is a limbo and it is getting old. It also doesn't help that my exBPDw texts me nearly every day to give me updates on my exstep-son. I love him and want to talk to him--but unfortunate so much comes from her.

At any rate, I think I am struggling with knowing what my empowered future should look like. Even knowing what I want at all. One of the goals closest to my heart is... .having a family. Not exactly a healthy goal--makes me a bit desperate. I should probably be waiting longer to be dating, if I'm still emotionally unbalanced, I'm guessing.

 Apart from that, I'd love to get better in my professional field. And to do that, I need to start working on more projects independently and becoming more artistic. That said, my concentration has not quite been with me lately... .but I should push through and work anyway.

So, if I work towards my career and get a good reputation in my field, it'd lead to being professionally successful. Combined with doing that and trying to slowly reestablish my (currently ruined) finances, I'll eventually be on a good foot.

Sorry for rambling. Thanks again, fromheeltoheal, the response meant a lot to me!

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for such a thoughtful response. You're very right. This is a limbo and it is getting old. It also doesn't help that my exBPDw texts me nearly every day to give me updates on my exstep-son. I love him and want to talk to him--but unfortunate so much comes from her.

If that is getting in the way of where you're going, is there another way to keep in touch with him with her out of the picture?  Depends how old he is and other factors maybe?

At any rate, I think I am struggling with knowing what my empowered future should look like. Even knowing what I want at all. One of the goals closest to my heart is... .having a family. Not exactly a healthy goal--makes me a bit desperate. I should probably be waiting longer to be dating, if I'm still emotionally unbalanced, I'm guessing.

I agree, best to get some serenity going before we start looking for a new relationship.  And what's cool, once you create a mission and a purpose again, and start living it from your core, you'll get mighty attractive too, which among other things gets rid of desperation, there's no need.

Apart from that, I'd love to get better in my professional field. And to do that, I need to start working on more projects independently and becoming more artistic. That said, my concentration has not quite been with me lately... .but I should push through and work anyway.

So can you make a commitment to us here?  How many and by when?  One foot in front of the other, going on faith at first, and it's helpful to have a target of an empowered future to aim for.  That's all it takes and the hardest part is at the beginning.  So what can we hold you to?

[thrownforaloop]

is there another way to keep in touch with him with her out of the picture?

Yes. I've been avoiding a confrontation with her. Next time she texts, I need to tell her that it's been too much and that she can have him call me instead of her texting the updates. I just know that when I do say that, she'll be offended and will either cut me out from him or start being insulting, etc.

So can you make a commitment to us here?  How many and by when?  One foot in front of the other, going on faith at first, and it's helpful to have a target of an empowered future to aim for.  That's all it takes and the hardest part is at the beginning.  So what can we hold you to?

Thanks, I like the idea of being held accountable! I'd like to have three, short experimental projects completed by new years. I'd like them to be more personal than my projects usually are.

Is there anything that you need us to hold YOU accountable for? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes. I've been avoiding a confrontation with her. Next time she texts, I need to tell her that it's been too much and that she can have him call me instead of her texting the updates. I just know that when I do say that, she'll be offended and will either cut me out from him or start being insulting, etc.

Difficult situation.  Focusing on your future is still the key though, and if cutting you out from him makes him upset, hopefully she'll see the light and let you continue to be a part of his life.

Thanks, I like the idea of being held accountable! I'd like to have three, short experimental projects completed by new years. I'd like them to be more personal than my projects usually are.

Is there anything that you need us to hold YOU accountable for? 

That's the thing about living at full speed again, I'm accountable to lots of people, but to add to that, I'll be accountable to you to follow up on what you committed to; I just added it to my calendar... .

[thrownforaloop]

Well thank you very much, fromheeltoheal, I'll have to get working then!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'd like to have three, short experimental projects completed by new years. I'd like them to be more personal than my projects usually are.

OK thrown, it's 5 days after you committed to the above, and as promised I'm holding you accountable.  So how's it going?

[thrownforaloop]

I'd like to have three, short experimental projects completed by new years. I'd like them to be more personal than my projects usually are.

OK thrown, it's 5 days after you committed to the above, and as promised I'm holding you accountable.  So how's it going?

Sorry, I should be checking the board more often. Thank you for remembering! I've been sketching out concepts, and have a story written, and am slowly setting up scenes for the video. So, so far, so good! Thanks again