What to do?

[Meta]

I am separated from my wife of 18 years.  I recently came to realize she has exhibited borderline traits all along.  We have three daughters 16, 13, and 8.  I keep vacillating between filing for divorce and reconciling.  Mostly because I am confused and cannot clearly determine what to do.

What is the likelihood of having a healthy relationship with a person who suffers from BPD?

Help,

Meta

[Mutt]

Hi Meta,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can relate with how difficult it is when your in that space on-between and have so many things to consider, decisions that can make long lasting impact It's not an easy position to be in but you have to go through it alone.

How are your D's ( daughter ) doing? How are you? Are you seeing a T ( therapist ) it helps to see a T concurrently with a support group.

Your post reminds me of going to marriage counselling to save the r/s and the tools that I learned where good if it where applicable with a non disordered partner, my ex is undiagnosed and I felt hopeless because everything that I tried didn't work. I wasn't taught about validation and how q pwBPD need a lot of validation because a central criterion of disorder is shame, some experts say that BPD us a shame based disorder. Feelings = facts to a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) whereas feelings are followed by facts for a non disordered partner, validating a pwBPD's feelings followed by the truth makes a big difference when it comes to communication, empathy plays an important role in r/s's.

A pwBPD that is not diagnosed like my ex wife will walk all over you, you need strong boundaries with a pwBPD and they may still walk all over you. Is she in therapy? Is she willing to get help for herself? There are different strategies, depression and anxiety are more accepted in today's society comparable to a personality disorder like BPD,BPD is misunderstood and still carries a heavy stigma. You could say that she may have symptoms of anxiety and depression and support her so that she seeks help, she may get help fir herself and get things started in the right direction.

Educate yourself get your hands on books about BPD, read as much as you can to become indifferent to the behaviors. It's not personal to us but I completely I understand how emotionally exhausting it us being on the receiving end of borderline rage. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you for emotional support. You're not alone.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Meta, Welcome!  I echo Mutt.  You are not alone.  Many of us have been down this road before you.  Your confusion is understandable.  BPD is an extremely complex disorder, in my view.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Often one ignores self-care in the throes of BPD drama.  Now is the time to bring the focus back to caring for yourself.  What would you like to see happen?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  We can't tell you what to do but maybe we can point you in the right direction towards the best path for you out of the BPD woods.

LuckyJim

[Meta]

Thank you both very much.

My daughters are Ok.  By that I mean the oldest seems to be chugging along.  Getting good grades and has a happy disposition.  The middle pretty much the same.  The youngest has taken the separation the hardest.  It is hard for her to understand.  I just finished reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder".  Things are actually starting to make sense.  I started seeing a therapist myself two months ago.  That has been helpful. 

The self-care thing has been huge for me.  I come from a family that preaches "suffer until the job gets done" in both personal and professional life.  That actually didn't work out so well with my wife.  Yesterday a woman told me, "You have a right not to be responsible for others' behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems" and I just smiled to myself because it rang so true.

I guess my question is simple is it possible to be in a functional relationship with a person with BPD?

Thank you again,

Meta

[Mutt]

Hi Meta,

I'm happy to hear that you've embraced self-care, my advice is do self-care often, now to answer your question about a functional r/s with a pwBPD, if I think about what that means in that context, I would benchmark it with a r/s dynamic where the partner is non-disordered, your partner suffers from mental illness, there are r/s tools that you can find on the improving board, I suggest to take a peek there to get a bigger picture, but you have to be emotionally strong and centered in the r/s and radically accept her for who she is.

It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.  Other important points: Realistic Expectations; Accepting the Role of "Emotional Caretaker"; Protection; Preserve Your Emotional Health; Understanding Your Motivations. Read about these key points.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Lucky Jim]

The self-care thing has been huge for me.  I come from a family that preaches "suffer until the job gets done" in both personal and professional life.  That actually didn't work out so well with my wife.  Yesterday a woman told me, "You have a right not to be responsible for others' behaviors, actions, feelings, or problems" and I just smiled to myself because it rang so true.

Hey Meta, It sounds like you are making strides towards a healthier path, which is great news.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years so I have been down this road before you.  Loyalty and self-sacrifice are admirable qualities in other contexts, but in my view can be misplaced in a BPD r/s.  I ran myself into the ground trying to sustain a marriage that was making me miserable, and it nearly destroyed me physically, emotionally and financially.  Towards the end, I bottomed out, which was no help to anyone!  There was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.

I agree that you are not responsible for another adult.  Instead, suggest you focus on what is right for you.

Keep us posted, when you can.
LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I just wanted to quickly say Hi and welcome.  Read around on these boards and you'll see that you are not alone.  And, you will see what others have done and learn what they learned second hand.  It is very useful to read and reply.
I can offer my sympathies and tell you that I am still married (19 years now) with five kids, youngest is 6, oldest 17.  My wife is undiagnosed BPD of the "waif" variety mostly - though you will note that there are as many different possibilities with BPD as there are people with BPD traits. BPD is part of someone's personality, not the only ingredient.  That makes decisions about divorce or not very difficult.  Some may find that the day to day life is OK, but major issues cause a huge problem; others, for example, might find that the big things (love, respect, sex, money, whatever) are there, but there are so many small fractures and day-today misery - that it's still hard to decide what to do. Plus your wife might be a tyrant at home and Mother Theresa at work, church, and school. 
I kind of look as BPD as a faulty psychological system developed to keep a mate.  A person will be whatever they need to be to get a mate, then they will do whatever works to keep them.  It might mean threats, blackmail, manipulation, withholding, passive aggression, degrading your self-esteme, and so forth.

I have to run right now, but, welcome to this new world of acceptance, understanding and fellow travelers trying to get out of the FOG.