Anyone else become scared in your BP r/s of doing something catastrophic?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

What I mean by this is did any of you ever feel like your BPDex was going to push or goad you into committing some act of physical violence towards them?  An act that, of course, could unintentionally hurt them physically and/or cause ruin to your life by virtue of them bringing criminal charges against you?  I hope I'm not alone in having felt this way at times during my r/s with my uBPDex.  Never hit her or struck her by any stretch, but there were several episodes of physical altercations where she would hit me, kick me, tear my shirt off, pin me against the wall, push me, etc.  The most I ever did was push her 2-3 times.  Which absolutely tears me up inside because I never imagined I was capable of such a thing until this r/s.  Thoughts or comments?

[jarrad2121]

What I mean by this is did any of you ever feel like your BPDex was going to push or goad you into committing some act of physical violence towards them?  An act that, of course, could unintentionally hurt them physically and/or cause ruin to your life by virtue of them bringing criminal charges against you?  I hope I'm not alone in having felt this way at times during my r/s with my uBPDex.  Never hit her or struck her by any stretch, but there were several episodes of physical altercations where she would hit me, kick me, tear my shirt off, pin me against the wall, push me, etc.  The most I ever did was push her 2-3 times.  Which absolutely tears me up inside because I never imagined I was capable of such a thing until this r/s.  Thoughts or comments?

[Mutt]

Hi jarrad2121,

Thanks for bringing up a good topic for discussion. A pwBPD will try control their environment when they're feeling out of control emotionally and what a pwBPD can't see because they're overwhelmed internally is that a r/s is built on trust and respect, people that are close to you know details about you that nobody else does, that's intimacy and a pwBPD will push every button knowing that those details will push them, you end up feeling resentful towards your pwBPD.

My ex wife was not diagnosed she was almost always a handful, if I felt like I was starting to feel better there would be some other catastrophe or drama. I don't know about you but I'm not a trained professional, let's say that a therapist was seeing your ex, they may see her for a few hours a week tops, whereas you have to deal with her 24/7/365 without professional training, I had no knowledge that I was dealing with BPD until after she left me, I was in the dark for several years. We had terrible rails when borderline rage was directed at me. I felt I was transforming into a totally different person, someone that I wasn't proud of because consumed with anger and resentment.
  
I completely understand the guilty feelings but don't put it all on your back, find it in yourself to forgive yourself. ,

[JerryRG]

Wow, got a few hours to discuss this one?

Great topic jarrad2121 and textbook classic for my exgf.

I will respond when I get some time.

Thanks again for reminding me what I was up against

[jarrad2121]

Mutt, spot on.  Because I loved her so very much and was trying so very hard to make the r/s work, I totally opened up to her in almost every respect.  She knew the good, the bad, and the ugly about me, things from my past, my 14 year prior marriage, my kids, and of course all the things that had happened over the course of our 2 1/2 year r/s.  Which included anyone and everyone I had ever talked to or thought about during the several times we were broken up and not talking.  Most of the stuff from the past (especially those times we were broken up) she had questioned me in detail about, almost demanding that I tell her about past r/s's, love interests, females that I'd had dates and other contact with in the community, etc.  I mean I completely opened up to her like I never had before to anyone else in my life.  And inevitably, almost from the beginning, she turned around and threw ALL of it in my face during her times of devaluation and her rages.  Even when it had absolutely ZERO to do with whatever was going on at the time.  For example, we could be having a disagreement about what to watch on TV and she would up and go on a tirade about how she thought I still had feelings for some girl that she thought I had messaged with a year earlier when we were broken up.  Completely out of the blue!  Then it was on to the accusations of cheating on her, the constant suspicions about every move I made, her trying to find hidden meanings in everything I did even down to my tone of voice or facial expressions.  But she knew exactly what she was doing I think... .pushing my buttons by throwing the past and me opening up to her back in my face most often for no rational reason at all.  I would literally go months without responding angrily to this type of garbage, instead trying to comfort her and reassure her through it (amazing huh?).  But I think they know they're building you up to an eventual explosion.  And then when you finally do explode, they tell you and everyone else that you're the crazy one.  That you're the one with issues.  That you're the one that needs help.  It's really insane and so over the top confusing it's hard to even explain.  But you're dead on with your comment about it making you feel like you're transforming into a different person.  I know I was, and everyone around me that cared about and loved me could see it BUT ME.  And I now know that's the reason the pwBPD tries to isolate you from everyone else in your life (including, in my case, my 16, 12, and 11 year old kids) and have you put your total focus on them, their "problems and issues," and the relationship itself.  They know that if others see what is going on, they'll eventually be exposed.

JerryRG, can't wait to hear more.

[JerryRG]

I agree that I was methodically transformed as well, she knew exactly what she was doing too. They use all the skills, isolation, gaslighting, manipulation, push/pull, control of intimacy, triangulation, lies, projection.

All there and by the time I figured it out I lost most if not all my confidence in my ability to deal with her reality