vivid (disturbing?) childhood memories

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I knew my mum was pretty rubbish (OK she did her best) but only slowly are various incidents becoming meaningful. I kind of thought maybe they (various incidents) were normal or not important, but then reading around you find information that says something different... .This idea actually comes from a post by JerryRG 

I am working on many things (in my head) beacuse I so much want to be in a healthy couple. I can cope really well alone, but it never feels quite right. I think it probably stems from stuff a long time ago, so here are a few items from my memory to start with.

Repetitive nightmares (as a small child): I was in a sitting room and two bears were sitting in comfy chairs. I was hiding behind a chair, scared of the bears, and trying to escape, but I couldn't. Don't think I ever escaped from that room.

Abandoned (again small child): parents were already separated, and mother went on a big trip (several weeks). I was left with friends of the family... .

I suppose also as well as just recalling these things, one has to do something with them... .?

[earlgrey]

I knew my mum was pretty rubbish (OK she did her best) but only slowly are various incidents becoming meaningful. I kind of thought maybe they (various incidents) were normal or not important, but then reading around you find information that says something different... .This idea actually comes from a post by JerryRG 

I am working on many things (in my head) beacuse I so much want to be in a healthy couple. I can cope really well alone, but it never feels quite right. I think it probably stems from stuff a long time ago, so here are a few items from my memory to start with.

Repetitive nightmares (as a small child): I was in a sitting room and two bears were sitting in comfy chairs. I was hiding behind a chair, scared of the bears, and trying to escape, but I couldn't. Don't think I ever escaped from that room.

Abandoned (again small child): parents were already separated, and mother went on a big trip (several weeks). I was left with friends of the family... .

I suppose also as well as just recalling these things, one has to do something with them... .?

[C.Stein]

Repetitive nightmares (as a small child): I was in a sitting room and two bears were sitting in comfy chairs. I was hiding behind a chair, scared of the bears, and trying to escape, but I couldn't. Don't think I ever escaped from that room.

Interesting.  What do you think this dream represents?  Have you had it or something similar to it as an adult?

[JerryRG]

Began telling about my experience with these events on another thread, got carried away in the detail. From what I can remember I was young, probably 4 to 5 years old, these happened over the course of a few nights? And I know I was awake, so maybe stress related psychosis? Just wasn't like a dream. I remember if I wanted to dream I would just lay down and I could go where ever I wanted.

Thanks for expressing so clearly your relationship with your BPD ex waif. Wow, and people wonder why we have issues with trust, confidence, detachment, self esteem, resentment, confusion and cptsd.

We all need badges or medals signifiing our bravery in the face of a war for our very souls.

When I was a child, all I seen was pain and suffering and confusion and blame all around me, I didn't understand because I was a small child. My choice? Since all I knew was darkness, I was never exposed to light, (God). I assumed the only force that truly existed was evil.

I knew that in order for me to survive I had to become more powerful than the evil that surrounded me. I did not understand how I would achieve this so I put on a false self. Protection from the evil.

I literally believed I faced the devil himself one night, and won. I was 4 or younger. I remember at that time that I was all alone in this war, if I were to live and protect my family or save them, I had to face the devil alone.

I woke up at night, I slept on the end of my mother's bed, we had no room for a bed for me and my sister needed my mother more than I did. The bed wasn't big enough for me so my feet hung over the edge. 

I would look down the hallway and I could see an eye watching me from our kitchen. Then another night the glowing eye transformed into a huge black beast, like a wolf. Eventually it wandered closer and closer each night until it knew I was alone, I tried to wake my mother but she would just push me away with her feet.

Each night the beast would wander our hallway getting closer each night. One night I knew it was going to attack.

That night I layed awake waiting, as the beast appeared once again. This time it had a determined confidence that told me I was going to be destroyed this night.

It ran down the hallway and jumped upon me, I felt the weight of the beast as I pulled my blanket up over my head to protect myself.

In a burst of pure rage I fought back with every ounce of strength I had and threw the beast up against the bedroom wall. I heard a loud crash in the darkness as the beast hit the wall and fell to the ground.

I layed there thinking I had won, I was transformed from that point into a super human. Nothing or no one could ever hurt me again.

I faced the beast and I won.

I faced many beasts and I'm still alive

My exgf was the closest thing to a beast that I've encountered since that day as a child.

My mother = depressed narcissist, dad = abusive alcoholic, oldest brother = quiet hermit, second brother = golden child narcissist, sister = caretaker, me = scapegoat.

Family of origin issues? Oh yes.

I'm tired of facing demons, never was my job.

Why else would I choose to be in a relationship with a BPD? Because I stilled believed I could face her evil and win.

[Moselle]

I suppose also as well as just recalling these things, one has to do something with them... .?

It depends. This is inner child stuff and takes time to work through. Do you have a good therapist who might be more qualified to help?

I've learned that our attitude and feelings toward that inner child is actually quite important.

How you feel toward that child who had these difficult experiences? Do you feel to empathise with him, and validate his experiences?

[earlgrey]

How you feel toward that child who had these difficult experiences? Do you feel to empathise with him, and validate his experiences?

Yes I empathise, he had a miserable time, and I think in a different world I could be at peace with my inner child, I do not voluntarily dwell on it. I think I have done quite a lot of work, and read a lot of Bradshaw stuff. But I have daily scenarios that make it difficult to move on, and peace is not happening.

My STBexw and I cohabit. She demonstrates a kind of indifference, harshness and lack of empathy to our D7 that resonates through my mind and body. I am very aware of a less than nurturing (abusive) approach to children.

I try to avoid triangulating but at times I get involved and simply get accused of not sorting out my own problems with my mother. 'I can treat my D how I want' is STBex 's stance, 'she's tougher than you!'

In defending my position here I would say I am very aware of what happened when I was young, and find it (now in hindsight) a damaging experience. I do not want my D to have to cope with the same stuff that I did.

Now my W's position would seem to be saying that I am just projecting. Am I?

I do not think so, I believe I am just observing something that unfortunately I am familiar with, and trying to find a way through.

But all the while my own wounds keep getting hit and start hurting.

As I said I try not to triangulate. So alone with D I try to explain, not that mum is this, that or the other, but for D. to say to M. what she wants (would like), and if M shouts, ask M not to shout.

D is getting the hang of it, but just tonight she tells me M doesn't listen!  

Thank you for listening! 

[Moselle]

Yes I empathise, he had a miserable time, and I think in a different world I could be at peace with my inner child, I do not voluntarily dwell on it. I think I have done quite a lot of work, and read a lot of Bradshaw stuff. But I have daily scenarios that make it difficult to move on, and peace is not happening.

Well done. It sound like you've got that. Not sure who Bradsaw is, but if we're good to our inner child that's a great start. Have you looked at EMDR treatment for PTSD? It's something I want to try, to dissociate the emotional triggers from memories.

Now my W's position would seem to be saying that I am just projecting. Am I?

I do not think so, I believe I am just observing something that unfortunately I am familiar with, and trying to find a way through.

I agree. I don't think so either.

You gotta get outta there EG. For your healing and to give the children a healthy alternative environment.

I just signed divorce settlement and Parenting plan yesterday, 2 years 8 months after first moving out  There were some recycles in there, but I highly recommend you end your stuff decicively. Last I remember you had lawyers drawing up the docs. What's holding it back?

[earlgrey]

Hi Moselle, thanks, reassuring to read your take on things.

Yes I know this environment is not good.

We have agreed in principal to divorce, lawyers in background, we cohabit for another 8/9 months! It bumps along, and I'm emotionally detached but D7 keeps things 'alive'. Alive as in source of friction! Cohabiting: she cannot afford to leave and her place is rented out, and not available yet. It is dead time, like a doc's waiting room.

It must feel good to have your divorce put to bed 

[Moselle]

It must feel good to have your divorce put to bed 

You wouldn't believe what she has signed. It favours me unbelievably. So yes I am over the moon with it.

But I have spent 2.5 years EG what a waste! I urge you to speed things up. I wish I had this perspective when I started the fight in 2014. I would have settled in 2 months and moved on with my life.

How can you shorten the 8/9 months? It's time wasted I assure you (not just yours - the children too) There's health and happiness on the other side of this.

[earlgrey]

Hi Moselle, OK it has taken you a long time, but it would also seem you have arrived at a good conclusion. Maybe the time factor helped that outcome (to spin things +vely!)

I could just finance a place for her to stay until her flat becomes available - French residential leases are pretty solid. But actually I'm not interested.

Also there are other mitigating circumstances! I am about to have a hip operation (4 nov) so that plus recovery I'm going to be pretty slow for a while, and at least the fridge will be filled  . We've got a house with enough space, so we can avoid each other, and I get full uninterupted access to D7, so while my 'love life' is on hold other things are doing OK.

But I do get a glimpse every now and then of life beyond... .and I'm excited 

[Moselle]

Maybe the time factor helped that outcome (to spin things +vely!)

Yes Indeed. There have been many benefits. One being this decisiveness thing but there have been many more. A significant one is that the ex is realising that it's pointless to resist. I will ALWAYS get what I want. Call it reverse BPD education

Look if it suits you to string it out. I can understand it.

If you need help framing the agreements when  it comes to that, please shout. I stopped using lawyers except as consultants a year ago. So I've learned my way round and drafted most of the agreements myself. So happy to send you sanitised copies

[earlgrey]

@Moselle and thanks for the offer.

I get your comments about lawyers too. Apart from the initial guiding and legal document, my lawyer has had very little to do while we try to get ourselves into some form of funtional 'unit' post separation. I can't see the point in paying expensive lawyers to advise us on how to slug it out. Once we've got the basis of an agreement they can put it into legal ease.

I will ALWAYS get what I want

How?