Hey new person here looking for advice on how to get past exBPD

[biceo]

Hey everyone!  BlCEO here,  first time posturer after dealing with the aftermath of what I suspect is a BPD ex girlfriend.  I know I know, she wasn’t OFFICIALLY diagnosed but these are the behaviors that led me to believe she’s BPD:

- On/Off for close to 5 years, she would contact me and explain that she really wants/needs me in her life, and Id fall for it.  Then within a month or two she finds someone else and immediately become distant and cold.  When I called her out on it I was the controlling/needy/obsessed one.  Then she’d exit my life, only to come back without any conversation about what had happened. 

- every time we get back together/start the process over again we make more of a serious commitment, but she still splits after a couple months. 1st time reconnect, 2nd time plans to move in, 3rd time bank account, 4th time moved in together).

- She is DEATHLY afraid of talking about emotions.  When something happens and I try to have a conversations about it she’d /whines/screams/complains/projects/etc whatever she has to do to get me to stop talking about it.

- Throughout these experiences she’s doing weird stuff with other guys.  One time I caught her reminiscing with an ex boyfriend on how great it was seeing him the day before, even though she told me that was over. Another time she had a guy friend visit and they went to mexico on a trip alone together and when she first told me about this she said shed tell him we are dating and when he got here i asked if she did and she freaked out on me for asking, told me she never said she’d do that (i responded to that by showing her the text, still denied it).

- Everyday she would nag me about really petty things, joking referencing putting money in a ‘jar’ every ime I said something she disliked, to try to i dunno control me subtly?

- Every time we got in some form of an argument shed be like “I now want to take this relationship MUCH SLOWER than we are now”, like at every little issue she’d threaten the status of the relationship.

- Over time we were getting physical it’d escalate and we’d start taking clothes off and then she’d stop all of a sudden telling me she can’t go further, which I respected. That always led to a conversation of what are we doing/does she even want to do this because she seemed really into it just a second ago, which then turned into her freaking out on me saying that I’m pressuring her into sex. She’d then scream and yell, threaten the relationship and slam the door on me.

- she never took responsibility for ANY of her actions.  She literally told me that I was the sole person responsible for all the issues were having and she doesn’t think any of her behavior is a problem, and she’ll never change how she acts. 

- This last time it ended (about 14-15 months ago) we were doing the physical thing and also talking about how she wants to be my girlfriend (officially), it escalated into that conversation again and this time we were both a little tipsy and when she ran away in the heat of the moment i freaked and got really stressed out and i told her to stop running away and I grabbed her arm lightly to try to stop her from running off screaming and the minute I did that she went into victim status and said I was abusing her, and literally like huddled in a ball in her room telling em to stop abusing her,  as she was doing this I immediately went from trying to talk about the argument to trying to get her to understand I’m not trying to hurt or bully her i just want to talk, but from then on I was a ‘horribly abusive person’ in her mind.  After more screaming I got so frustrated I left her room and slapped a beer bottle off a table and cut my hand badly, then she threatened to call the police and i got more stressed out.  The entire time I was trying to fix/repair/calm the situation down, but it seemed like no matter what I did it got worse, and the entire time, she did all of this without any emotionality (except the victim part).

- 2 days after that incident she was seeing sleeping wirth someone else immediately, and they’re still together a year later.

- she refused to talk about any of it even though she knew i was physically and mentally hurting over it, she wanted to write it off like it never happened with me out of her life, and every 2 weeks for the next two months i was practically begging her to talk about it and she would cry get angry and all that, until it got to the point where I kicked her out of the apartment.  Upon leaving she stole everything we bought together without any agreement, saying stuff like ‘You’re kicking me out now you want me to start completely over?’.

- She was really unclean,  she’d literally leave blood (from what I have no clue) all over the bathroom.

- After the relationship ended I screwed up and went looking through her Facebook (for signs that she was lying to me about everything) and I found it. The entire time we were living together/together she was talking to like 4 guys at once planning for relationships elsewhere and saying she was single and stuff. She freaked out when I told her i saw that stuff during a fight and said I’m untrustworthy, even though I physically caught her snooping through my computer 2 weeks prior. 

- 4 months ago I kindly reached out to her with a funny story about my dog just to see if we can talk civilly again, but never received a response until September, where she randomly texted me accusing me of signing for her mail and that she was going to call the police on me, I responded with ‘(insert name), we both know there is no package that was sent here, if you wanted to talk to me you could of just called for a friendly conversation, but she kept insisting i signed for a package and broke the law. 

- i texted her again two days ago asking her if she wanted to meet up for coffee, no response and not expecting one. 

I know its long, and exhausting.  I apologize,  I’ve just had enough of all of this and I’m seriously trying to move past this person in my life.  The problems I can’t seem to get past (and the reasons why I am posting here) are:

1. What the heck?
2. I sincerely wanted a loving relationship with this person.  The entire time we were butting heads intellectually for reasons beyond me.  She’d take normal things I’d say as stabs or whatever and never fully trust that my intentions with her were honest.
3.  Why is she able to go on and have long term relationships (granted i don’t know whats happening in these situations) that seem to be fruitful when I’m stuck in the mud barely holding on?
4. I am genuinely attracted to this person, she’s gorgeous, she’s super smart and we have the ability to not only build a relationship but we both fit like puzzle pieces in terms of building a business, creatively, etc.  Basically more than just a relationship,  theres the ability there for a whole life there.  How do I get over this?  How do I sincerely move past this person when I feel like I found the perfect match for me and my plans for my future?
5.  Why won’t she respond to my texts?  is it a game/about control? How do I get through to this person to make them believe I’m not a terrible person? Why is she making up stories to talk to me/get a rise out of me?
6.  How do I become a normal person again?

Sorry for the long-windedness,  I’m at my wits end and I just want to be past all this stuff!  It’s been 14 months and Although in the past month I’ve dated more people than I can count on both hands, my ability to be emotionally available is not there, I hate feeling crazy and that’s how I’m feeling.

Thanks nice to meet you all!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi BICEO-

And Welcome!

The situation you describe sounds very painful and confusing, and you might have noticed from reading here, not unique; we've all been there and we understand.

Why is she able to go on and have long term relationships (granted i don’t know whats happening in these situations) that seem to be fruitful when I’m stuck in the mud barely holding on?

For borderlines attachments are mandatory, and establishing them is the highest priority.  And as you say, just because someone is in a relationship we can't see into it and don't know what's really going on, although you know her.

Stuck in the mud and barely holding on is a pretty stark metaphor; can you expand on that?

4. I am genuinely attracted to this person, she’s gorgeous, she’s super smart and we have the ability to not only build a relationship but we both fit like puzzle pieces in terms of building a business, creatively, etc.  Basically more than just a relationship,  theres the ability there for a whole life there.  How do I get over this?  How do I sincerely move past this person when I feel like I found the perfect match for me and my plans for my future?

There are a couple of things there.  You get over it by working through the stages of detachment and grieving the relationship, if that's what you want, although if she's the perfect match, shouldn't you be together?  And what about all the stuff you posted above, is that part of the perfection?

5.  Why won’t she respond to my texts?  is it a game/about control? How do I get through to this person to make them believe I’m not a terrible person? Why is she making up stories to talk to me/get a rise out of me?

It's been over a year and she's in another relationship; is it really expected that she would continue a relationship with you?  It seems important to you that she believe you're not a terrible person; do you know why that is?

6.  How do I become a normal person again?

That question assumes you're abnormal now; what do you see as abnormal?

I hate feeling crazy and that’s how I’m feeling.

I understand crazy BICEO, sometimes it's hard to articulate what we're feeling in that place, but can you tell us what's crazy?  It gets a lot better BTW, by working through stages that are pretty well defined, learning, growing, processing, grieving, it's not a mystery and it's totally possible.  Take care of you!

[biceo]

For borderlines attachments are mandatory, and establishing them is the highest priority.  And as you say, just because someone is in a relationship we can't see into it and don't know what's really going on, although you know her.

Stuck in the mud and barely holding on is a pretty stark metaphor; can you expand on that?

Hey thanks for the advice before i get into this!  haha

I mean like most connections im discovering with other people ive dated in the past year (like maybe 10-12 people) everyone is boring and I guess I start to feel like i lost the best possible situation i could of been in and maybe I did something to cause that, and so i drive myself crazy and into depression over thinking it.

There are a couple of things there.  You get over it by working through the stages of detachment and grieving the relationship, if that's what you want, although if she's the perfect match, shouldn't you be together?  And what about all the stuff you posted above, is that part of the perfection?

Yeah I should of specified,  I know were obviously not good together hence were not together,  I know that, but she just appeared to be the right person, despite the crappy behavior.  I guess im wondering how do you get back to normal from believing you screwed up the one chance you had with someone you think was the ideal match?  How do you survive that and meet new people knowing that?  Id love to grieve through it believe me I want this over with,  these are all just the residual feelings from the fallout I guess.

It's been over a year and she's in another relationship; is it really expected that she would continue a relationship with you?  It seems important to you that she believe you're not a terrible person; do you know why that is?

I guess im just wondering as I mentioned in my first post why is she texting me these fake things to get me to talk to her and then when I text her she never responds?  She was obviously looking to hear from me or get a rise out of me with that whole mail thing, just wondering whats the deal with that? is it just unexplainable crazy behavior?  Because the only reason we broke up is because she basically pointed out everything about me and told me this is why im a toxic person.  Things that arent even toxic about someone,  she literally pull all the cards out and was like youre garbage, but i dont hate you. maybe im just stuck there.

That question assumes you're abnormal now; what do you see as abnormal?

I mean the way im approaching women.  Like everything is boring.  Its almost like an addiction to some crazy drug,  after you come down and you try to be normal again its extremely possible.  How do I stop living in the wake of this terrible person?

I understand crazy BICEO, sometimes it's hard to articulate what we're feeling in that place, but can you tell us what's crazy?

Like that I cant seem to manage living without someone that I know is horrible (or at the very least terrible with me).  Maybe im contradicting myself with some of these things, I just dont know how to adequately explain it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess im wondering how do you get back to normal from believing you screwed up the one chance you had with someone you think was the ideal match?  How do you survive that and meet new people knowing that?  Id love to grieve through it believe me I want this over with,  these are all just the residual feelings from the fallout I guess.

First, by separating what was yours and what was hers.  BPD is a shame-based disorder so borderlines have this habit of not taking responsibility for anything, it would cause too much shame and hurt too much, so everything has to be their partner's fault, and we either accept that, take it on, or we don't.  So did you really screw up, or was it something that was assigned to you, and/or were you responding under stress in a chaotic situation?

So you separate what's yours, own it, forgive yourself, and make changes so you don't do it again.

I guess im just wondering as I mentioned in my first post why is she texting me these fake things to get me to talk to her and then when I text her she never responds?  She was obviously looking to hear from me or get a rise out of me with that whole mail thing, just wondering whats the deal with that? is it just unexplainable crazy behavior? 

Borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that can happen, so when you communicate with her it makes her feel better, makes her feel an emotional attachment is still in place.  The only one to stop that is you.

Because the only reason we broke up is because she basically pointed out everything about me and told me this is why im a toxic person.  Things that arent even toxic about someone,  she literally pull all the cards out and was like youre garbage, but i dont hate you. maybe im just stuck there.

Yes, that's why the title of the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me is so accurate.  And there's projection, if you're the scumbag with all the faults then she doesn't have any, so she feels better.  You either buy that or you don't.

I mean the way im approaching women.  Like everything is boring.  Its almost like an addiction to some crazy drug,  after you come down and you try to be normal again its extremely possible.  How do I stop living in the wake of this terrible person?

Yes, that's common, but think about it, real love is a warm, cozy feeling; what we feel coming out of these relationships is intensity, an urgency, like an addiction as you say.  What is that?  Where does it come from?  What does it mean?  But it's no stretch to see how "normal" people would be boring after that yes?

Like that I cant seem to manage living without someone that I know is horrible (or at the very least terrible with me).  Maybe im contradicting myself with some of these things, I just dont know how to adequately explain it. 

I understand and that's common.  Crazy too isn't it?  We can't manage living without someone that we think is horrible.  That makes no rational sense, but that's what happens when we become emotionally enmeshed with someone with a personality disorder, and the key is to detach, which is a process that can take a while.

Have you noticed the stages of detachment over there----------->

[sad but wiser]

  Hi!  Welcome!  This community really saved my sanity, so hopefully it will be a great help to you. That being said,
  You can do better than her.  Run.

[biceo]

So you separate what's yours, own it, forgive yourself, and make changes so you don't do it again.

Yeah okay makes sense

Borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that can happen, so when you communicate with her it makes her feel better, makes her feel an emotional attachment is still in place.  The only one to stop that is you.

yeah time to change my number

Have you noticed the stages of detachment over there----------->

gonna look into that now.  thanks!

[biceo]

  Hi!  Welcome!  This community really saved my sanity, so hopefully it will be a great help to you. That being said,
  You can do better than her.  Run.

haha yeah trying to.  thanks!

[Heldfast]

Biceo:

Nice to have the introduction, but kind of sorry you're here. Whatever she is, whatever she was to you, it's now in the past. Keep it there. The no contact is an essential element to keeping that toxin out of your life so you can be a healthier you and move forward into a new relationship, or even just be a better you. To do this, I found working out and doing a little bit of travel, meeting new people, improved my confidence, and my interest in life outside of dwelling on my own problems and own little corner of the world. I did have a few friends who let me talk their ears off, knowing I needed to vent to get through the initial depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, etc. I also have had to work through the instant gratification drug like experience of immediate bonding and recognize that true feelings need to be developed. I tore myself apart, found what I thought were the character flaws that made me attracted to such, and am very much still working on those. I accept that I have no control over most aspects of this world, excepting me, and my response to things. Emotional availability will come, but it comes best as you become a happy, healthy, not dependent on another for that happiness kind of person. You do you, and address your own flaws. It comes back to you... .with time (2 years out here). Maybe better. Good Luck!
Leigh