BPD ex begging for sex

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After a 4 year on and off roller coaster ride with my undiagnosed BPD ex GF she is now begging me for sex

Let me tell u, besides cutting/self mutilation she met all the BPD traits and also met every trait on the narcissist list.

It would take me a long time to write all the horror stories but let's just say since our last break up (almost a year ago) on average I get 2-400 messages a day, she has used approximately 30 different numbers (borrrows off friends), social media stalking etc, blocking gets me nowhere so I don't bother anymore etc

These behaviors are very extreme, it's also the same story daily. Begging, guilt trips, accusations, denial, etc and then goes back to square one same story every day

Then she begs for sex, in 12 months I've gone back and had sex like an idiot 2-3 times but realised how much anxiety I get just being around this foul creature.

Anyway curious how many people on this board had this? The hovering is beyond comparison to what I've read and I'm confused. Most of the stories I hear about BPDs is that they are the ones who dump/discard u and never look back?

[Confusedpe]

After a 4 year on and off roller coaster ride with my undiagnosed BPD ex GF she is now begging me for sex

Let me tell u, besides cutting/self mutilation she met all the BPD traits and also met every trait on the narcissist list.

It would take me a long time to write all the horror stories but let's just say since our last break up (almost a year ago) on average I get 2-400 messages a day, she has used approximately 30 different numbers (borrrows off friends), social media stalking etc, blocking gets me nowhere so I don't bother anymore etc

These behaviors are very extreme, it's also the same story daily. Begging, guilt trips, accusations, denial, etc and then goes back to square one same story every day

Then she begs for sex, in 12 months I've gone back and had sex like an idiot 2-3 times but realised how much anxiety I get just being around this foul creature.

Anyway curious how many people on this board had this? The hovering is beyond comparison to what I've read and I'm confused. Most of the stories I hear about BPDs is that they are the ones who dump/discard u and never look back?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Confusedpe, I've experience a little of this, but not this extreme. A powerful motivator for her keep coming back is intermittent reinforcement. By responding to her, however infrequently, you are inadvertently reinforcing her efforts. She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past. The only way to stop it is by not reinforcing any contact from her I think. Her behaviour sounds really extreme though.

[Confusedpe]

Hi Confusedpe, I've experience a little of this, but not this extreme. A powerful motivator for her keep coming back is intermittent reinforcement. By responding to her, however infrequently, you are inadvertently reinforcing her efforts. She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past. The only way to stop it is by not reinforcing any contact from her I think. Her behaviour sounds really extreme though.

I'd have to agree with this, I know by allowing her a 'contact point' she is keeping hope but honestly it's best to impossible to go NC with this girl!

She's just not giving up!

[Fr4nz]

It seems she's trying to frantically avoid being abandoned, one of the distinctive traits of BPD.

Maybe it may help you to read about the concept of "extinction bursts" (applied to BPDs).

[Confusedpe]

It seems she's trying to frantically avoid being abandoned, one of the distinctive traits of BPD.

Maybe it may help you to read about the concept of "extinction bursts" (applied to BPDs).

Hi thank you
Where do I read this?

[Milka]

She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past.

This is 100% true. They never give up trying unless we stop all contact. My ex would reach out to me for 4 months after our break up every time things went wrong between him and my replacement. I was ignoring absolutely all attempts until once I stupidly replied and that was exactly what he wanted. Needless to say he only got in touch as he was desperate, he was suffering after being rejected by my replacement, he felt lonely and he needed me. He then proceeded to say how much he still loved me and wanted me back... Even though I thought I was over him, my feelings slowly started coming back, I didn't want him and I felt I was being used, but I couldn't reject my own emotions and possibly some attachment to him still. You know what he did next? Even though I offered friendship, he wanted more, he wanted me back (so he kept saying), he was demanding that I start trusting him and believing him for once in my life... .in the meanwhile he got back in touch with the most recent ex, started seeing her and telling her he wanted her back and that she was the only one he loves. When me and her found out what he was doing, he turned against me once again. I was the one to get his abuse and having to deal with him spelling it out to me that he didn't mean what he said to me and that all he wanted was to get over the other one and I was just the tool! He did apologize in a couple of messages, but then proceeded with saying how horrible I was for telling her and effectively started hating me for getting in the way of him achieving what he wanted. He totally didn't see how he did anything wrong and I was the bad guy! It wasn't a nice thing to hear and it hurt a bit. But what hurt me more is that I KNEW he only came back for his own selfish reasons and I fell into his trap once more. It was my fault that I let him back and that I offered friendship. They always come back because of their needs, they don't care what damage they cause to us. So please, don't respond to her and if you need to, change your number. She sounds like an absolute nightmare and by the looks of it, she's not going to leave you alone just yet. But you can stop it.

[Confusedpe]

She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past.

This is 100% true. They never give up trying unless we stop all contact. My ex would reach out to me for 4 months after our break up every time things went wrong between him and my replacement. I was ignoring absolutely all attempts until once I stupidly replied and that was exactly what he wanted. Needless to say he only got in touch as he was desperate, he was suffering after being rejected by my replacement, he felt lonely and he needed me. He then proceeded to say how much he still loved me and wanted me back... Even though I thought I was over him, my feelings slowly started coming back, I didn't want him and I felt I was being used, but I couldn't reject my own emotions and possibly some attachment to him still. You know what he did next? Even though I offered friendship, he wanted more, he wanted me back (so he kept saying), he was demanding that I start trusting him and believing him for once in my life... .in the meanwhile he got back in touch with the most recent ex, started seeing her and telling her he wanted her back and that she was the only one he loves. When me and her found out what he was doing, he turned against me once again. I was the one to get his abuse and having to deal with him spelling it out to me that he didn't mean what he said to me and that all he wanted was to get over the other one and I was just the tool! He did apologize in a couple of messages, but then proceeded with saying how horrible I was for telling her and effectively started hating me for getting in the way of him achieving what he wanted. He totally didn't see how he did anything wrong and I was the bad guy! It wasn't a nice thing to hear and it hurt a bit. But what hurt me more is that I KNEW he only came back for his own selfish reasons and I fell into his trap once more. It was my fault that I let him back and that I offered friendship. They always come back because of their needs, they don't care what damage they cause to us. So please, don't respond to her and if you need to, change your number. She sounds like an absolute nightmare and by the looks of it, she's not going to leave you alone just yet. But you can stop it.

Hi milika
Thank you for your response. Sorry u went through that im sure the experience was quite painful. I too was sucked in the first time after a NC period of 5-6 months, later I realized she was dumped by the guy she started talking to after I threw her to the curb, feelings regenerated after I offered her friendship, I didn't know what BPD was back then and never met someone with It.

Common denominator here, they seem to sleep around a lot! We should all get checked for STDs by the sound of it 

[Milka]

Common denominator here, they seem to sleep around a lot! We should all get checked for STDs by the sound of it  

So true. They always seem to have some people lined up. They recycle their exes knowing we have feelings for them and find it hard to say no, but in the meanwhile they actively seek new attachments. My ex "loves" his most recent ex, "loves" me and is active on tinder arranging new dates... .They are truly despicable.

[Confusedpe]

I should enter the Guinness book of records
Let's think about this over the last 12 months I have blocked

- 30 cell phone numbers
- 15-20 Facebook profiles
- have evidence/screen shots of up 677 missed calls in the span of 8 hours (bearing in mind the phone doesn't ring it goes straight to voicemail hence why she can stack up the calls easier then the phone actually ringing)
- if I don't read her messages (mostly being one word or one liners) for an hour sometimes it stacks to over 150

I just want to find someone who's ever had this. ANYONE

[Milka]

I should enter the Guinness book of records
Let's think about this over the last 12 months I have blocked

- 30 cell phone numbers
- 15-20 Facebook profiles
- have evidence/screen shots of up 677 missed calls in the span of 8 hours (bearing in mind the phone doesn't ring it goes straight to voicemail hence why she can stack up the calls easier then the phone actually ringing)
- if I don't read her messages (mostly being one word or one liners) for an hour sometimes it stacks to over 150

I just want to find someone who's ever had this. ANYONE

Never had anything like that! Even when my ex was going absolutely loopy he wouldn't send more than 20 messages in one go. Maybe the male - female difference here...

[Confusedpe]

I should enter the Guinness book of records
Let's think about this over the last 12 months I have blocked

- 30 cell phone numbers
- 15-20 Facebook profiles
- have evidence/screen shots of up 677 missed calls in the span of 8 hours (bearing in mind the phone doesn't ring it goes straight to voicemail hence why she can stack up the calls easier then the phone actually ringing)
- if I don't read her messages (mostly being one word or one liners) for an hour sometimes it stacks to over 150

I just want to find someone who's ever had this. ANYONE

Never had anything like that! Even when my ex was going absolutely loopy he wouldn't send more than 20 messages in one go. Maybe the male - female difference here...

Lol I don't wish it upon anyone, this is stage 5000000000 clinger harassment

To be honest i have tried every style of getting rid of her, nice way, assertive way, angry way, in fact sometimes I hit my threshold I have called her so many nasty vile names just so she can possibly get turned off and hate me yet she will argue, calm down and back to square one NOTHING works

[Milka]

To be honest i have tried every style of getting rid of her, nice way, assertive way, angry way, in fact sometimes I hit my threshold I have called her so many nasty vile names just so she can possibly get turned off and hate me yet she will argue, calm down and back to square one NOTHING works

Nothing works because whatever you do, however you react, you react and so she knows she's got your attention. The only way you can cut her off is to ignore absolutely every attempt of communication.

[C.Stein]

A powerful motivator for her keep coming back is intermittent reinforcement. By responding to her, however infrequently, you are inadvertently reinforcing her efforts. She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past.

Good insight L, and very true.

[Confusedpe]

A powerful motivator for her keep coming back is intermittent reinforcement. By responding to her, however infrequently, you are inadvertently reinforcing her efforts. She'll keep pushing until she gets what she wants as it has worked in the past.

Good insight L, and very true.

I've heard this before and reading these articles on this website is giving me new insight, however, having zero reaction is a lot easier said then done so I guess absolute NC is the only way forward no matter what she says

[C.Stein]

I've heard this before and reading these articles on this website is giving me new insight, however, having zero reaction is a lot easier said then done so I guess absolute NC is the only way forward no matter what she says

It is OK to react, it would be near impossible not to.  This isn't so much about reacting but how you choose to express it.   

[Fr4nz]

It seems she's trying to frantically avoid being abandoned, one of the distinctive traits of BPD.

Maybe it may help you to read about the concept of "extinction bursts" (applied to BPDs).

Hi thank you
Where do I read this?

Here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[Rayban]

Confusedpe,


You've become a challenge for her. Basically the idea of getting what she can't have (you ) Is intoxicating to her to the point where it's become a compulsive obsession.

Why is she proposing sex? Because that's what worked the last time. Getting you back would be a huge ego boost for her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confusedpe, I think those suffering from BPD are experts at manipulation because they've been doing it all their lives, and this is just another example of arm-twisting.  Think Fatal Attraction.  It's not about the sex; it's about using sex to manipulate you in order to get you back in her life.  It's sad, but there's nothing you can do to help her, in my view, except to cut your losses and move on.  LJ

[Curiously1]

She just wants validation, admiration and most likely running low on supply or the quality of the person she is with she finds unsatisfying (people to make her feel good and my replacement... her 'friend' wasn't satisfying her in the way that I could and that is all she had left). When my exBPDgf attempted to recycle me she told me she was lusting over me at first and wanting a casually thing with me only to later admit she actually missed me and believed things could work out again since she believed I changed and is giving me a chance to redeem myself. Truth is, I was the same, there was nothing wrong with me and she just had a change of mind based on her needs. Unfortunately we did end up back together and was still addicted to her but it only lasted for 2 weeks before crazy sh**t went down again and I could see how difficult it was to maintain her good side. Said I never changed and she made a mistake and will consider me in x years time . Not worth the trouble. I never experienced the crazy amount of texts/calls you have but yeah staying NC like what everyone else has suggested if you don't want to deal with her again I think is the best way you can keep her out. If not, a restraining order.

[Curiously1]

-I forgot to add, after the first break up and meeting her again. We did try for friends for the first week but I refused it and ghosted her since she wasn't great as a friend either, a whole lot more unsatisfying. That triggered her abandonment fears when I dropped off the face of the earth and that is when she proposed we get back together again instead because I changed and yeah she missed me so much she was regretting. So the following week back together 'officially' it didn't last and a part of me felt like she was getting back at me (revenge) for 'discarding her' or that I triggered her so much from leaving her then that yes she had to be the one to do it based on feeling more in control and a sense of entitlement maybe. I could be wrong, and she just split me and had enough after an argument but that was another possibility. Basically it never ends well and they actually feel a whole lot better and won't chase you nearly as much I don't think if they are the ones to discard you. If its other way around, based on my experience too, she chased and reached out. But that's only a guess, they can keep coming back at some point based on need is what I've heard and whether they dumped you or you dump them...

[Confusedpe]

Thank u all, everyone here makes sense

Funnily enough I watched fatal attraction the other day as they said it depicts a BPD woman but in all honesty I think that's a full blown psychopath ! If a BPD comes to your house and wants to cut you up she ain't just BPD anymore

I also should say that I have the weirdest feeling, I have never had a chance to grieve the relationship loss, when she miraculously disappears for a couple of days I start to grieve and feel the sadness, then she comes back again! Having her around has become such a normal part of my life that when she's not I genuinely feel as though something is missing. Any thoughts on this?

[Curiously1]

Thank u all, everyone here makes sense

Funnily enough I watched fatal attraction the other day as they said it depicts a BPD woman but in all honesty I think that's a full blown psychopath ! If a BPD comes to your house and wants to cut you up she ain't just BPD anymore

I also should say that I have the weirdest feeling, I have never had a chance to grieve the relationship loss, when she miraculously disappears for a couple of days I start to grieve and feel the sadness, then she comes back again! Having her around has become such a normal part of my life that when she's not I genuinely feel as though something is missing. Any thoughts on this?

My guess is that she is familiar to you and yes that having her bother you so much doesn't really give you that much time to grieve her or feel completely disconnected/dettached from her. Do you find that even if you do not want her back that you enjoy the validation or ego-boost of her reaching out and doing all that crazy stuff? In some level is it amusing or keeping your life more interesting than when she is not around to cause such stuff? How do you feel when you think about a life without her? The 'something is missing' is possibly the drama or what you think she brings to your life that you think about especially when she grows silent since that would be a change in her behaviour you would easily notice. BPD relationships are addictive. I would not overestimate the withdrawal symptoms one gets once we know it is completely over and by the time we no longer hear from them.

[Confused108]

Sleeping around is a HUGe BPD trait! Mine was trying to get with me while she recycled her ex boyfriend and meet some young guy on  line and had him up to her apt for 10 days ! After she discarded me she called my house phone a week after let it ring hung up and when I called her back she wouldn't even answer the phone. She then sent me a message from FB saying it was an accident and that my number was the last one she dialed. For a week? My ex has her own business and u mean to tell me u have not called anyone from ur cel in 1 week? Yea ok. Then the crazy FB messages by a person named Gift love and their profile pic was a saying "Heart Injured". Then the  FB friends requests the blocked phone calls. The crazy emails . Now all is calm. ... .for now.

[Confusedpe]

Curiosity - u hit the nail on the head there that's my feelings exactly

Confused108 - their stories never make sense and that's their biggest mistake, they give their bull___ away easily

[JQ]

Hey Confusedpe,

You're receiving a lot of good guidance from the group like Fr4nz, LuckyJim, C.Stein, & others.  I can certainly relate to the constant emails, text, phone calls at all hours of day & night.

So do a complete lockdown on your FB account just don't block her. You'll have to go through the security settings to do this but it's a great thing to do. Like "only friends" can send you or contact you settings etc.

On your phone issue, change the number. You can do this without cost via the carrier website. Release it to those "who have a need to know" & advised them NOT to release it to anyone.

As everyone has said, they will continue to reach out even decades later as in my case. Think about going off the grid & going dark as much as possible even if it's only for 6 months or so. Delete all old emails, text, calls & her contact info. Going dark if only for a little bit should at least help YOU get to a better place.

J

[Confusedpe]

Hey Confusedpe,

You're receiving a lot of good guidance from the group like Fr4nz, LuckyJim, C.Stein, & others.  I can certainly relate to the constant emails, text, phone calls at all hours of day & night.

So do a complete lockdown on your FB account just don't block her. You'll have to go through the security settings to do this but it's a great thing to do. Like "only friends" can send you or contact you settings etc.

On your phone issue, change the number. You can do this without cost via the carrier website. Release it to those "who have a need to know" & advised them NOT to release it to anyone.

As everyone has said, they will continue to reach out even decades later as in my case. Think about going off the grid & going dark as much as possible even if it's only for 6 months or so. Delete all old emails, text, calls & her contact info. Going dark if only for a little bit should at least help YOU get to a better place.

J

I like that you wrote 'help YOU' get to a better place so true that we often worry about them way more then ourselves

On that point u mention decades? Anyone here ever had a BPD not leave for decades?

[JQ]

On that point u mention decades? Anyone here ever had a BPD not leave for decades?

Confusedpe,

My first exBPDgf "stalked" me for the first couple of years until I threatened her with calling the FBI for harassing a someone in the federal government. At one point she was overheard by a law enforcement friend who was dating one of her friends "If I can't have him, no one will".  That worked until I divorced a couple of years ago when she "popped up" in my life again 17 years from our last contact. She had been working the issue for years befriending my BPD step mother & BPD step sister.  They gave her my number and the calls & text started again ... .I've since blocked her on my phone and pretty much have gone NC with my step sister & Very Low Contact with BPD step mother oh & NC with my BPD 1/2 brother ... .with all 4 of them I gave & gave of myself much like others in the group until I had no more to give and my own personal mental & physical health was at risk.  Through a lot of assistance I learned that it was ok to put myself first ... .you have too. It's the 51% rule that is all to hard for a lot of us to learn but learn it you must as a codependent in order to walk a better path in life.

As others have said, in ANY r/s with someone who is mentally ill with BPD you need to have the patience. Patience to learn, take care of yourself and walk YOUR own path for YOUR own mental & physical health!

J

[sweet tooth]

confused, have you considered changing your number in order to stop the harassment? Or maybe even stop using the cell phone for awhile? Also, in this extreme of an instance I think it's very appropriate to get the police involved. 

[lovenature]

I have been through similar although not as extreme as you. My ex. lives across the street from me and constantly called and banged on my door as long as I gave her ANY reaction at all; going complete NC (including not looking at her place and trying to avoid any contact) on my end has stopped her attempts for now. I am aware that she will likely try again when she fears not having an attachment, and I intend to continue not wanting anything to do her.

Best to focus on you and just completely ignore her; I know how hard it is, just remember how bad it was overall with her when you need motivation to continue NC.