I'm trying...so really am

[Bushido]

Well... .
Trying to get my story out...
It seems stuck inside my head
And just that is really disrupting my mental focus!
Anyone with tools break the cycle?

[fromheeltoheal]

It seems stuck inside my head

It can help to type it here Bushido.  What are you thinking and feeling right now?  Just let it flow onto the screen.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bushido, Many of us have been down the detaching road before you, so you are not alone.  As fromH2H suggests, fill us in when you can.  It's easy to lose your way in the BPD forest.  Now is the best time to take a step towards getting back on your path.

LuckyJim

[C.Stein]

Anyone with tools break the cycle?

I understand that place of chaos where it feels like a hurricane is raging inside your mind.  It can help if you visualize what is going on in your mind right now like a real hurricane.  Within the hurricane is the eye of the storm, a place unaffected by the storm that rages around it.  Visualize yourself stepping into the eye and become an observer of the emotional storm that rages around you.  From this place you can identify the emotions because you are no longer caught in the storm, you have become an objective observer of yourself.  

Every event in your relationship has an emotion tied to it.  Pick one and only one event and write down how you felt at the time the event occurred.  Explore the reasons why that particular event led to the emotions you felt.  As you do this for each event you will find it gets easier and easier to maintain clarity and focus and to get it all out.  

[Sadly]

Hello Bushido
I have always loved writing, when I was young I was taught every story good or bad has a beginning, a middle and an end. Try starting at the beginning, how you met, how it felt, what you did together. It will hurt but you are in a safe place here, lots of caring, compassion and understanding. Once you get started you will find the rest of it will flow. It doesn't matter if you write two sentences to start with or end up with a biblical epic. Nor if you forget things or repeat yourself. Start your story with the words,  The day we met I **** and off you go. Big    xx

[Bushido]

Well... If i try going backwards... .
Then the latest is that the school called in socialworkers since the kids are
Not feeling so well at school. . . .and it doesnt help when miss BPDex is always saying they will have to change school...
Everything to fit the hurricain storm inside her head...
So here i am fighting for my kids so that they can atleast have their own enviroment... .One safe place... .Just one safe place ... .NO!
She just has to destroy everthing and make sure that there is no ground the same in her new life.
( no wonder she found a boyfriend that lives 8 hours away )
And stays there when i have the kids.

So... .The meetings at school...
There were 3 meetings ... .one a week... .And the goal... .kids wellbeing.
The first two were as expected... .Miss victim working on getting her oscar.
And there i was ... .mr.badguy... .Just trying to keep my cool in that BPD thunderstorm.
On the third i basicly said that there is no way in hell that all the kids will have there legalhome at your place ( her parents actually )
... .

[Bushido]

... .
... .and she sure didnt like that !
Me putting my foot down and say NO!
In the relationship that was usually called "abuse"
So She semi raged and insisted that then we should share the appartment and he who has the kids... .Stays "home"   ( even tho she hasnt paid anything in it since she walked out)

Than focus turned to me by the socialworkers and i asked. If i had something to say abot that ?

And i said... .
I will do what is best for the kids. This is their home... .I can find a place to stay every other week so that they hopefully finde better balance...
... .

[Bushido]

... .
So that was made into an actuall agreement... ( that i signed today )
And is timed for revaluation around new years... .
On a beginning of a new school semester i guess.

But okay... .Atleast we have some structure then in the chaos... .And signed rules to go by.
So for now i must endure and do my best for my kids.

[Bushido]

What i'm thinking is just much process... .
And what i feel is just OUT!
I want to go out of this endless sh... ]storm of ungratefulness and non stop selfcenter thinking!
I sacrificed everything for a maybe... .
And ended up with not what i wanted but surely what i needed to realize that i need to start live my own life and start looking for that i lost a long time ago... .myself!

[Bushido]

I'm off to sleep... .
I'll write more tomorrow

I'm just really tired...

[Lucky Jim]

And ended up with not what i wanted but surely what i needed to realize that i need to start live my own life and start looking for that i lost a long time ago... .myself!

Hey Bushido, Well said!  You're on the right track, my friend.  A good place to start is by listening to your gut feelings.  You are the expert on you.  Think of your path as a journey towards authenticity.

LuckyJim

[Bushido]

Hello Bushido
I have always loved writing, when I was young I was taught every story good or bad has a beginning, a middle and an end. Try starting at the beginning, how you met, how it felt, what you did together.

Hi sadly... .and thank you for your reply...
I really dont think i want to go to the beginning of the relationship... .all the puppy love at 15 years old...
Alot has changed... .

Now i just look forward spending christmas alone! No crazy chaos or nothing ever good enough... .
I still in a very tired state...

[fromheeltoheal]

Now i just look forward spending christmas alone! No crazy chaos or nothing ever good enough... .
I still in a very tired state...

Yes, it's normal to be tired after these relationships end Bushido, normal to be a little worn out after the stress of being in a chaotic situation all the time.  Resting and rebuilding is part of detaching and healing, and it's important to take care of yourself very well right now, eat right, sleep enough, rest, maybe a little exercise, and time spent with supportive people.  Detaching is a process, best to make it a project, part of which is supporting yourself and being kind to yourself.

[Sadly]

Bless you, you will be tired, it's exhausting this merrygoround, though why those things are called merry I will never know  . Even as a child they used to make me feel sick spinning around like that. We all have " stop the world I need to get off for a while moments".  I wish you well with your healing.
Much love from Sadly x

[Bushido]

And ended up with not what i wanted but surely what i needed to realize that i need to start live my own life and start looking for that i lost a long time ago... .myself!

Hey Bushido, Well said!  You're on the right track, my friend.  A good place to start is by listening to your gut feelings.  You are the expert on you.  Think of your path as a journey towards authenticity
LuckyJim

Hi lucky...
And thank you...
I dont know if i'm an expert in myself since Sacrificed my self for what i belived in.
But i did learn a thing or two along the way...

[Bushido]

Well... .
The newest turnover is that tomorrow miss.exBPD will "move in"
And i move out the next seven days...
Can't say i like this agreement but it's the best possible choice for the kids.
( agreement is until newyears, when she gets an appartment )
The kids have theire ground no matter the bþd impulse crazyness going on...

How i feel about it is another story...
But in this BPD game it's best out of other options... .For the kids that is...
Me... .sacrificing again with my kids in mind... .
Normal... .No!...
But atleast this is the last time i play this game of hers...