Sunday Bloody Sunday... Recycle your trash, not your relationships

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well... To recap, some of you may remember it was my exBPDgf's birthday last week on Monday and that after sending her a message on her day, a recycle was likely due to her unexpected reaction of telling me she was sorry and acknowledging her mistakes and saying she agreed to seek therapy.

We went out on Saturday, I picked her up nervous, anxious and scared, I tried my best to restrain myself and not to loose self respect, when I saw her I was so anxious I was almost fainting, but it was a bit different then I expected, maybe because of me restraining myself, when we got to the restaurant and kissed, it wasn't what I was expecting, I guess I took her off the pedestal, I have changed so much last few months, I don't view her the same, though I still have very deep feelings towards her. We spoke a lot about her condition, although she was very reluctant and I could see it was a topic that hurt her to speak about.

We came home afterwards and I feared this moment the worst, because sex was amazing and if I felt like that again, I'd be in trouble. When I touched her it was still good, she was still so attractive to me, but it felt more mechanical then emotional, there was something missing and I felt like despite she still being the best sexual partner I met so far, the gap between the others was no longer so big.

On the the after, Sunday, we stayed in bed all the time, it was close to 17h and I didn't want to be there anymore, I remember we used to do this all the time, I was feeling bored and useless, so I told her I was bored and I wanted to do something, my new me won't ignore my feelings in fear of others reactions, long and behold, something so simple that shouldn't be an issue triggered her, she changed completely, she felt like her company wasn't enough after all this time without seeing each other, I told her it wasn't about her, it was just that I needed to do something, even if we didn't leave the room, I just didn't want to stay in bed watching tv all day. She became distant, cold, sullenly, started to say horrible things to me, like that it was a mistake and that she didn't want to be with me. I tried to rationalize things with her, like I used to, but this time guard myself from doings things like it did before, like taking blame or apologizing when I shouldn't. I told her that I hadn't done anything wrong and that saying I was bored had no relation to how I felt about her, I had done nothing wrong, she told me I should put myself in her place, I replied I did and that if she said that to me, I wouldn't even flinch, it was her condition which was aggravating something harmless. This was so frustrating to me, a day had barely passed and we couldn't keep peace... .Even though I was trying to restrain myself that day and ODA, I cried. It didn't last much longer then an hour and it passed, she was fine again.

I just wanted to be alone now, I didn't want to be with her, I felt like her presence was disturbing my peace, restraining my movements, but I still feared loosing her and since she said all those things about her trying to change, I wanted to give it a go. So I waited a bit more and took her to dinner with me before dropping her off, it pretty much had no chance of going wrong, so I knew it would be ok, I had a coupon for one of our favorite places and it was even better then I expected, it was great being there with her.

When I got home I checked my phone, which I had disconnected due to the possibility of other girls trying to reach me out while I was with my exBPDgf, my father had tried to reach me, my NPD stepmother had lied to the police telling them my father had assaulted her and my younger brother and gotten a restraining order on him, he had been kicked from his own house and was on my aunts place with nothing but his clothed he was wearing. I was already helping him before since I'v learned so much from my exBPDgf, he had asked for a divorce when she tighted up the strings, but when he did she manipulated him into giving up the divorce and planned all this up with a lawyer.

On Monday my exBPDgf was still ok, but I could tell she was starting to decline slowly, retribute less and less my affections and stating to shut down. On Tuesday when I woke up and told her good morning and asked her if she was ok because she was even worse then the day before, she started to trigger on it and said she was fine, normal and didn't know what I was talking about, she had a small trigger, but nothing big, but it got worse and worse during the day, she was very cold and kinda of an a-hole, mentioned that I wanted to hug her and that I was feeling bad for my father, she told me to stop whining and that she couldn't stand me complaining all the time, I told her she was heartless and cold and that I wasn't complaining all the time and I had all the right to feel as I did. Later on she kept getting worse and she then finally started just replying with "ok", "yeah" and things like it and started really to fight me, she said "bye" as in get lost, but chase me, I just ignored it, I was heading for the Aerosmith concert, it's one of my favorite bands and I didn't want to have to deal with this in the concert. If you think it's hard to listen to "Cryin", "Crazy" or "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" in the car, wait until you hear live after a fight, she screwed it up for me good and I let her, I tried to enjoy it, but I was not well.

When I came back of course we had an argument again, I'm not even going into much details, jealousy, abandonment, blablabla. Yesterday she tried to reach me at night, it was late, I didn't see her message, she actually called 3 times, she never calls me, took me almost an hour to see and call back, but when I did she didn't answer and was already giving me the silent treatment. When I woke up today, still nothing, I said good morning and asked what had happened the previous night, apologized for not answering when she called, she took a while to answer and all she would say to anything I say would be "It doesn't matter" and "Ok", so I quit trying to talk to her, mind as well talk to a wall, an hour later, while I was writing this text, she said I didn't care anymore about her and that she didn't want a "modern relationship", that I should stop reaching her and said I she felt tossed aside, I stopped writing here to talk to her for about an hour, just me chasing her and saying sorry, it sounded a bit like she was saying "I love you, I'm suffering, let me abuse you" and my reply like "Ok, I deserve it, I took an hour to reply yesterday, proceed".

I want out, I had the power to do it today but I didn't, we were supposed to see each other tonight, I'm not so sure after all this, but my guess is she expects to even after all this and her telling me to go away and never talk to her again. I miss her but I don't want to, I don't think I got the stomach for this anymore. Not even a week, what a ride, recycle your trash, not your relationships.

[Hlinthewiking]

Well... To recap, some of you may remember it was my exBPDgf's birthday last week on Monday and that after sending her a message on her day, a recycle was likely due to her unexpected reaction of telling me she was sorry and acknowledging her mistakes and saying she agreed to seek therapy.

We went out on Saturday, I picked her up nervous, anxious and scared, I tried my best to restrain myself and not to loose self respect, when I saw her I was so anxious I was almost fainting, but it was a bit different then I expected, maybe because of me restraining myself, when we got to the restaurant and kissed, it wasn't what I was expecting, I guess I took her off the pedestal, I have changed so much last few months, I don't view her the same, though I still have very deep feelings towards her. We spoke a lot about her condition, although she was very reluctant and I could see it was a topic that hurt her to speak about.

We came home afterwards and I feared this moment the worst, because sex was amazing and if I felt like that again, I'd be in trouble. When I touched her it was still good, she was still so attractive to me, but it felt more mechanical then emotional, there was something missing and I felt like despite she still being the best sexual partner I met so far, the gap between the others was no longer so big.

On the the after, Sunday, we stayed in bed all the time, it was close to 17h and I didn't want to be there anymore, I remember we used to do this all the time, I was feeling bored and useless, so I told her I was bored and I wanted to do something, my new me won't ignore my feelings in fear of others reactions, long and behold, something so simple that shouldn't be an issue triggered her, she changed completely, she felt like her company wasn't enough after all this time without seeing each other, I told her it wasn't about her, it was just that I needed to do something, even if we didn't leave the room, I just didn't want to stay in bed watching tv all day. She became distant, cold, sullenly, started to say horrible things to me, like that it was a mistake and that she didn't want to be with me. I tried to rationalize things with her, like I used to, but this time guard myself from doings things like it did before, like taking blame or apologizing when I shouldn't. I told her that I hadn't done anything wrong and that saying I was bored had no relation to how I felt about her, I had done nothing wrong, she told me I should put myself in her place, I replied I did and that if she said that to me, I wouldn't even flinch, it was her condition which was aggravating something harmless. This was so frustrating to me, a day had barely passed and we couldn't keep peace... .Even though I was trying to restrain myself that day and ODA, I cried. It didn't last much longer then an hour and it passed, she was fine again.

I just wanted to be alone now, I didn't want to be with her, I felt like her presence was disturbing my peace, restraining my movements, but I still feared loosing her and since she said all those things about her trying to change, I wanted to give it a go. So I waited a bit more and took her to dinner with me before dropping her off, it pretty much had no chance of going wrong, so I knew it would be ok, I had a coupon for one of our favorite places and it was even better then I expected, it was great being there with her.

When I got home I checked my phone, which I had disconnected due to the possibility of other girls trying to reach me out while I was with my exBPDgf, my father had tried to reach me, my NPD stepmother had lied to the police telling them my father had assaulted her and my younger brother and gotten a restraining order on him, he had been kicked from his own house and was on my aunts place with nothing but his clothed he was wearing. I was already helping him before since I'v learned so much from my exBPDgf, he had asked for a divorce when she tighted up the strings, but when he did she manipulated him into giving up the divorce and planned all this up with a lawyer.

On Monday my exBPDgf was still ok, but I could tell she was starting to decline slowly, retribute less and less my affections and stating to shut down. On Tuesday when I woke up and told her good morning and asked her if she was ok because she was even worse then the day before, she started to trigger on it and said she was fine, normal and didn't know what I was talking about, she had a small trigger, but nothing big, but it got worse and worse during the day, she was very cold and kinda of an a-hole, mentioned that I wanted to hug her and that I was feeling bad for my father, she told me to stop whining and that she couldn't stand me complaining all the time, I told her she was heartless and cold and that I wasn't complaining all the time and I had all the right to feel as I did. Later on she kept getting worse and she then finally started just replying with "ok", "yeah" and things like it and started really to fight me, she said "bye" as in get lost, but chase me, I just ignored it, I was heading for the Aerosmith concert, it's one of my favorite bands and I didn't want to have to deal with this in the concert. If you think it's hard to listen to "Cryin", "Crazy" or "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" in the car, wait until you hear live after a fight, she screwed it up for me good and I let her, I tried to enjoy it, but I was not well.

When I came back of course we had an argument again, I'm not even going into much details, jealousy, abandonment, blablabla. Yesterday she tried to reach me at night, it was late, I didn't see her message, she actually called 3 times, she never calls me, took me almost an hour to see and call back, but when I did she didn't answer and was already giving me the silent treatment. When I woke up today, still nothing, I said good morning and asked what had happened the previous night, apologized for not answering when she called, she took a while to answer and all she would say to anything I say would be "It doesn't matter" and "Ok", so I quit trying to talk to her, mind as well talk to a wall, an hour later, while I was writing this text, she said I didn't care anymore about her and that she didn't want a "modern relationship", that I should stop reaching her and said I she felt tossed aside, I stopped writing here to talk to her for about an hour, just me chasing her and saying sorry, it sounded a bit like she was saying "I love you, I'm suffering, let me abuse you" and my reply like "Ok, I deserve it, I took an hour to reply yesterday, proceed".

I want out, I had the power to do it today but I didn't, we were supposed to see each other tonight, I'm not so sure after all this, but my guess is she expects to even after all this and her telling me to go away and never talk to her again. I miss her but I don't want to, I don't think I got the stomach for this anymore. Not even a week, what a ride, recycle your trash, not your relationships.

[Hlinthewiking]

Sorry about the humongous text, I tried to be brief, but a lot happened this week :/

[SoMadSoSad]

Have you learned how to communicate with a borderline from this website? It sounds like you are still JADING her.

[Hlinthewiking]

Not 100% sure what you meant by jading her. I guess I somewhat do, but I'm tired to making her my life and thinking twice about telling her I want to eat a toast because it may lead it into a 4h argument. When I was careful and watched everything I did she still snaped on me and blamed me for her emotions. I'm starting to panic, I don't know what will happend today, if I don't see her it's over but I'm not even sure she will expect me to forget the arguments and pretend nothing happened or if she will want me to chase and beg to see her, I don't see myself doing that. Oh god, what do I do :s what kind of a situation have I put myself in.

[Rayban]

Hey Hlinthe



First and foremost, I would say that the most important thing here is that you seem to have detached or at the very least you're thinking of yourself first. You have an important decision to make after this last attempt with her.

You know without treatment, she will not change. Not for you or anybody else. Are you willing to live with ad you say, with wondering if your choice of toast will set her off? Or is this just one more example that you just don't want to be a care giver to her emotional needs?

I've been in your shoes and I too realized or confirmed what my life with my ex BPD gf could be like and cut the cord. That doesn't stop me from thinking about what could have been every day. It's painful, but in the end my detachment allows me to realize that it's momentary pain for long-term gain.

[Kelli Cornett]

I guess I'm not sure why you are upset? Doesn't sound like you want her anyway... .

She obviously wants a relationship with you. She doesn't want to feel abandoned and you are pushing this weird cocktail of friendship, but sex, but emotions but don't call it a relationship, don't get to close to me thing.

Which is obviously trigging to her. Your coming off confusing and selfish. ( No offense )


I think you should of just stayed NC. This isn't going to get any better unless you commit to her and it sounds like you don't want that.

Do yourself a favor and go NC again before you flips out on you again.

[Hlinthewiking]

  Rayban No, I'm not willing, you're right. My initial idea was to try to build boundaries and try to take it slow as she gets treatment and improves, but I'm not sure this is going to work, I will see her today and try to be more patient, but I don't think I have much hope anymore.

  letitbe223 No ill will, but I feel very offended by everything in your reply, where did you get that from, how can you say that? It's been less then a week, we saw each other on Sunday and I'm going to pick her up now, I have done nothing to her but treat her nice and the only thing I did different is to take care of myself as well as her, even after she abused me I didn't loose my calm and answered in a loving and respectful way, I'm going thru a lot besides her and I need to smother everything because she can't deal with it so I need to take care of my problems and hers?

Yes she wants a relationship with me, she abuses me however she likes, because she's sick and I need to accept it, I need to do everything to please her because it's my responsibility and she does nothing to me or cares at all about my feelings? Confusing and selfish? Sorry but offense taken, just take a look at my previous posts.

What do you call committing to her? Getting physically, verbally and emotionally abused and smiling back because she's got BPD and I need to understand it? I would have died for her, even she told me I was the nicest and loving guy she met. I'm sorry, this isn't right. I want a relationship with her, but not an abusive one, I want a healthy one, if that's me being selfish and confusing let it be.

[Kelli Cornett]

Rayban No, I'm not willing, you're right. My initial idea was to try to build boundaries and try to take it slow as she gets treatment and improves, but I'm not sure this is going to work, I will see her today and try to be more patient, but I don't think I have much hope anymore.

  letitbe223 No ill will, but I feel very offended by everything in your reply, where did you get that from, how can you say that? It's been less then a week, we saw each other on Sunday and I'm going to pick her up now, I have done nothing to her but treat her nice and the only thing I did different is to take care of myself as well as her, even after she abused me I didn't loose my calm and answered in a loving and respectful way, I'm going thru a lot besides her and I need to smother everything because she can't deal with it so I need to take care of my problems and hers?

Yes she wants a relationship with me, she abuses me however she likes, because she's sick and I need to accept it, I need to do everything to please her because it's my responsibility and she does nothing to me or cares at all about my feelings? Confusing and selfish? Sorry but offense taken, just take a look at my previous posts.

What do you call committing to her? Getting physically, verbally and emotionally abused and smiling back because she's got BPD and I need to understand it? I would have died for her, even she told me I was the nicest and loving guy she met. I'm sorry, this isn't right. I want a relationship with her, but not an abusive one, I want a healthy one, if that's me being selfish and confusing let it be.

I'm afraid I'm just begin honest. Her neediness and abusiveness ( as you see it ) isn't going to change. It is already showing and it's been only a week.

If you enter a relationship with her she will still want it to be all about her. I mean it's already happened from what your explaining.

Why do you keep going with it? Your expecting her to be something she isn't. I feel that is selfish. You are expecting a mental ill person to not be mentally ill. She doesn't stand a chance. She will fail your expectations and you will abandon her for it. And she will suffer all over again.


The most rational thing to do is let her go nicely. Cause 99% chance this is just going to end up like it did last time or worse.


Again, I'm just giving you some advice to save you both some pain. We always want things to be different, I hear you but it already sounds red flags deep.

2 cents, take it or leave it.

[Hlinthewiking]

If she was happy as an ill person you could say that I was being selfish, but she's miserable, I think calling me insane or delusional is closer then selfish, but I get what you mean and you are probably right, but I still feel something for her, I really wish it could work out. If my thinking doesn't change after today/tomorrow, I think we are done and I'm free, I'm not much worried about her because she will paint me as black as she ever had and she will feel righteous and will heal quicker, she already noticed I'm different, I think it's good, I rather go to the narcissist end of the spectrum then staying on the opposite side where I was, I will get in balance soon enough, I just need this time to take care of myself, I deserve it, I'm sorry, I feel I got that right after so much pain and abuse, I matter too, I needed self love and I'm pretty close to getting it.

[Kelli Cornett]

If she was happy as an ill person you could say that I was being selfish, but she's miserable, I think calling me insane or delusional is closer then selfish, but I get what you mean and you are probably right, but I still feel something for her, I really wish it could work out. If my thinking doesn't change after today/tomorrow, I think we are done and I'm free, I'm not much worried about her because she will paint me as black as she ever had and she will feel righteous and will heal quicker, she already noticed I'm different, I think it's good, I rather go to the narcissist end of the spectrum then staying on the opposite side where I was, I will get in balance soon enough, I just need this time to take care of myself, I deserve it, I'm sorry, I feel I got that right after so much pain and abuse, I matter too, I needed self love and I'm pretty close to getting it.

Well like I said good luck.

[Hlinthewiking]

This rollercoaster ride has no end... Yesterday when we saw each other was so good, we were in love and I pretty said hell to everything I wrote her yesteday. I cooked her dinner, we had amazing sex, we laid in bed to watch a movie and fell a sleep. Today when we woke up everything still was fine, later on I got a call asking about a family birthday I have today and I missed a lunch, which I knew I would have to to see her, she asked if I wanted to drop her off at a bus stop or something to go there, but I said it was fine and I would only go to the birthday later, I wanted to spend some more time with her. An hour or two passed by and we were in bed, she was starting to change, she was getting distant and cold... .Oh boy... I asked what was up, she said she was bored (giggles, same thing I said last weekend and she had a fit about), I didn't bother with it, asked her what she wanted to do, she didn't know or wouldn't tell, I offered her a few things, she denied all of them, I said she could tell me whatever, we just didn't have much time because of the family birthday. In the end we did nothing, she wouldn't talk to me, eventually she just said to drop her home since we wouldn't do anything, she didn't even eat, she declined lunch several times, went home after 3PM with an empty stomach, I offered her food driving again, there were some places she liked along the way, she declined again and again, wouldn't speak to me, was just at the phone, when we got to her place she just said we should end it, she said she wanted to spend more time with me and we would just see each other for sex, I told her we'v been going out for a week and we'v only seen each other 2 times, the other time we barely had sex, she was on her period, this time we did but we also did other things and we had little time, I also told her she was happy most of the time other then an hour before leaving and saying she was bored.

I feel hope has become one of those carnival games where you need to hit an animal with the hammer and it hides and appears all the time. Yesterday after seeing her it was when I realized how much I still loved her and wanted to be with her, today was the reminder why we aren't together anymore. People her have often weeks, months of peace, I can't even get a day of peace.

[Curiously1]

Good to hear you have become more assertive on your own needs/wants despite the ups and downs you have been experiencing with her thus far.

She mentioned she wanted to change. Has she changed much from the past? or do you find that she is the same as before despite her saying that? I know you know change and improvements takes time and that you cannot expect her to never get triggered or display BPD behaviour ever. Have you noticed any postive changes from her though since you've reunited? What are your expectations of her and of yourself? Do you know what you want with her yet? What do you want to be happy in a relationship? How are you feeling about her right now?

[Kelli Cornett]

You don't know how to handle this woman. Please stop kidding yourself.

She has severe attachment issues. Everytime you leave she will hate you. Everytime you come back she will love you.


The only way to make a BPD happy is to have no life and be at their beck and call 24/7 but that would probably still trigger them somehow.


This girl too, man it's so obvious there is no balance there.


You can't fix it.

[Curiously1]

You don't know how to handle this woman. Please stop kidding yourself.

She has severe attachment issues. Everytime you leave she will hate you. Everytime you come back she will love you.


The only way to make a BPD happy is to have no life and be at their beck and call 24/7 but that would probably still trigger them somehow.


This girl too, man it's so obvious there is no balance there.


You can't fix it.

It's still up to him to decide whether the drama is worth it or not. Some people stay in BPD relationships on and off and some BPD individuals can stay on with the right partner. It looks as though he is undecided leaning to wanting out. BPD relationships you are right, are unbalanced, unequal but it is up to him to decide whether this girl is worth it to him and whether he can still be happy/satisfied like this...

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you both for the support.

I may not have much of a choice, this is the worst time possible. I didn't want to accept it because if she is the same and won't change, I can't afford to be with her right now. I'm broke, I owe money to the bank, I'v just talked to my father over the phone about how he's doing and the situation with the divorce and the restraining order, I'v never seen him like this in my whole life, he said he was going to shoot himself and I don't take it lightly. I can't handle her drama right now and her complete lack of support, I need me and my family needs me, she won't and can't understand this. I feel I'm against the wall, I'm so scared of my exBPDgf after what my NPD stepmother did to my father, I don't want the same happening to me.

[Curiously1]

Thank you both for the support.

I may not have much of a choice, this is the worst time possible. I didn't want to accept it because if she is the same and won't change, I can't afford to be with her right now. I'm broke, I owe money to the bank, I'v just talked to my father over the phone about how he's doing and the situation with the divorce and the restraining order, I'v never seen him like this in my whole life, he said he was going to shoot himself and I don't take it lightly. I can't handle her drama right now and her complete lack of support, I need me and my family needs me, she won't and can't understand this. I feel I'm against the wall, I'm so scared of my exBPDgf after what my NPD stepmother did to my father, I don't want the same happening to me.

It's ok, always here to hear you out. Unfortunately yes won't be able expect to receive a massive amount of change from her right now and yes, there is no guarantee how much she can improve on herself and for it be worth it to you again it seems. I cannot imagine how much stress you are having with your family included in all of this along with your other responsibilities and financial crisis. I agree that you as well as your family comes as top priority and all I can say about her is that it is a pity she cannot understand this and have only made your fears worsen. My suggestion is to continue focusing on yourself, on what to do next that you think will benefit you and your situation the most right of  now and to stay strong! 

[Kelli Cornett]

Thank you both for the support.

I may not have much of a choice, this is the worst time possible. I didn't want to accept it because if she is the same and won't change, I can't afford to be with her right now. I'm broke, I owe money to the bank, I'v just talked to my father over the phone about how he's doing and the situation with the divorce and the restraining order, I'v never seen him like this in my whole life, he said he was going to shoot himself and I don't take it lightly. I can't handle her drama right now and her complete lack of support, I need me and my family needs me, she won't and can't understand this. I feel I'm against the wall, I'm so scared of my exBPDgf after what my NPD stepmother did to my father, I don't want the same happening to me.

Glad you came to your senses. And don't worry there are people out there who will listen to your needs and think of you. Just not a BPD.

Good luck with your family.