Is it bad to admit your feelings?

[NewStart]

When communicating with a BPDso is it bad to be honest about your feelings?

For example, my wife has stopped responding to texts and is out of town, is it bad to let her know that hurts when she does that and/or to say I love you?

Or is it best to roll with it like it doesn't bother me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NewStart]

So I'm taking no answers as stay strong and be ok with NC from my uBPDw and just go Buddhist and roll with it... .water off a ducks back

[C.Stein]

I have always believed honesty is the best policy, even if it it hurts to hear it.

I don't know your story, but if I were in your shoes I would "roll with it" until she gets back and you can discuss it in person.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't text her though, just don't be needy about it.   

[NewStart]

C.Stein, That's what I've been doing, just sending any text I normally would letting her know how the kids are, what happened that day etc... .things a normal couple would do and again just keeping that Bhuddist mindset... .no response no problem.

Learning through reading here and time with my T that in order to break through sometimes the non has to remove all needs in their life... .

"The greatest wealth is to live content with little" Plato-

[WendyDavid]

Since you're on the Saving board, you may want to roll with it.  You must have accepted her disorder to be here.  So, try to put yourself in her shoes and be careful about pushing her buttons.  While you are waiting for her to respond or come home, focus on yourself and your feelings.  Of course it hurts when she is not making you feel important or loved.  But in your heart you know she loves you and you love yourself.  When you have the chance to text or talk, be honest with your feelings because that is respectful to yourself.  Just keep in mind how you will sound to your BPD wife.  Say it how you think she will take it in the best way.

[NewStart]

WendyDavid, great advice and I think my mindset has been the problem and I'm hoping it's not to late.  I have fought against the way I've been treated and played a big part in the dance, being here and reading I have not communicated the way I should have. 

This weekend home with the kids and my wife away has really helped me step back and see what I have right here in my neighborhood... .I need to put some things I do on the shelf or at least the back burner and focus closer to home I think. The hard part will be balancing self care while creating a place where my wife truly feels "safe".

[Moselle]

When communicating with a BPDso is it bad to be honest about your feelings?

Hi Newstart. It sounds frustrating and it certainly does hurt

What needs do you have around this? Ie what is the boundary she is crossing by not responding?

One small trick I learned was to have 'me' time when I got the silent treatment. Phone or email old friends, to the movies, do cool stuff. I even started looking forward to the old silent treatment

[obliv326]

I can certainly appreciate the question. I don't know if this is everyone, but my pwBPD didn't like expressions of emotion, positive or negative. On occasion, when she was feeling fairly healthy, she seemed okay. Most of the time she would be polite, but did not engage in anything that would lead to further discussion or expression. For example, early on I had written something that was a pretty big compliment about her beauty, but how while everyone could see how beautiful she was on the outside, I felt like the luckiest guy alive because I saw how beautiful she was on the inside. I had flirted with her and told her she was pretty, and we had sort of tentatively agreed that we were going to have some kind of a relationship, but this was the first time I put anything out there that would be considered "feelings"... .It was kind of a big step.

She wrote back. Now, that email was long, and if you've read anything else I've written here, I'm sure that is an absolute shock. Regardless, she loved reading them, and it was a nice correspondence. She wrote back the next day, covered everything in that email... .except that paragraph. I was heart broken. I took that as a very clear and aggressive signal that she didn't feel the same but was only being nice. I backed off the next tie and was preparing my exit strategy. I mentioned to her, kind of jokingly, that maybe that wasn't the paragraph to skip, and in the next email, there was a sort of response to my paragraph saying that she had problems expressing emotion. It made her heart race and she broke out in a cold sweat and she absolutely dreaded it, which is why she hadn't responded in kind, although she did say that a nice accepting response that seemed to be about something else was also about that. And it kept happening from then on. If you complimented her looks, you were fine. Lewd comments on her instagram? No problem.  Tell her that you cared for her and had deep feelings? She would shut down and find literally any excuse to avoid you.

I'm in a situation now where we haven't spoken in a few months and started back up a couple weeks ago. She's going through some tough things, and I want to let her know I care and want to do what I can to help her, but that could paint me clack and she's gone again. So it would be nice to know if there was a way to tell this to them that they could handle? It would certainly be a big help to me, and it sounds like the OP as well