Heart Broken and Guilty Over End of Relationship - First Post

[Esquared]

Hi. I found this forum and it's helped me understand what just happened to me.

I met my ex on a dating app last March. We hit it off so well, she was completely into me and I was completely into her. She was brilliant, beautiful, but clearly had some issues with her self-esteem. We would have sex all of the time, she would constant telling me about all of the places she wanted to go and things she wanted to do. Within a few dates, she was moving a lot of her toiletries into my place, pretty obviously "marking her territory." I was a bit reluctant, cause she did seem a bit clingy and a bit needy. But I was really enjoying her company and I wanted to see where it went.

She had dealt with a drug-addicted mother and a father who walked out on her when she was a teenager. She was now in a microbiology program, but living with an ex of her's who she had been with for 5 years, until she could extricate herself from the lease. She also suffered from a lot of anxiety and OCD while in the program. She was open about that fact. She had only been with the ex for convenience, and because his family had taken her in after a series of abusive relationships.

We started seeing each other about 2 to 4 times a week, and I would try to return her texts and calls when I was able to, within the constraints of my job. I wasn't always perfect about it, but I did my very best. She once asked why I didn't always text her "good morning." I told her that I didn't do it every day, because I was afraid she'd think I was mad if I forgot a day. But I started always trying to text good morning or good night. I took her on nice dates, including fancy steakhouses, and we both were enjoying the hell out of ourselves. She would make me cookies, cupcakes and other little things. She wanted me to make more romantic gestures, which I thought I was good about most of the time. I didn't buy her flowers, but I kept the dates up, and we were extremely affectionate, even in public. She would do everything for me, including help me assemble furniture and helped reorganize my place.

I quickly introduced her to many of my friends and everything seemed to be going great. They loved her, she loved my friends, everything just seemed great. About a month or two into the relationship, she started texting me about plans she had. In a day or two she had proposed a week-long trip day, a convention she wanted to go for 2 days the next week, a dinner for her job, and more. I didn't always respond to these texts, but I told her I would do my best, but I couldn't take long trips in the context of my job at the time.

She once asked me "when do I get promoted to girlfriend" and I answered that I was a little uncomfortable with the fact that she still lived with her ex. Within a week or two she started referring to me as her boyfriend anyway. So I just kind of went with her. I met her friends, and thought I developed a good relationship with them.

She started taking up my hobbies, including running and kickboxing, and doing them even more than me. She was also pretty insecure about her appearance, but I always made sure to tell her how pretty she was and how much I loved having her around. I did manage to make some of her dinners, her parties, and maintained seeing her, sometimes as much as 5 times a week. It was becoming by far the most passionate relationship I've ever had. I helped her move out, and her ex-boyfriend moved away. Again, things just seemed to be going great. About 3 months in, she was going to meet her absent father for the first time in 4 years. She asked me if I wanted to meet him, I replied that it was up to her. She said only if I wanted to. I was kind of busy that weekend and told her, quite honestly, that I felt like I would be intruding on a family event. In hindsight I think she interpreted that as me not being serious about our relationship. She also began acting jealous, saying that she hated when other girls who weren't my friends looked at me.

She asked why our relationship wasn't "facebook official" and I told her that I had no problem with making it so. So we put it on facebook. Then she added my mother on facebook and they started talking on their wall. I thought this was a little weird, but I didn't make me much of it. I started realizing that I was falling in love with this girl. My friends all told me that she seemed absolutely crazy about me, and would text them, asking for advice about our relationship. She threw me the only surprise party I ever had. meanwhile I constantly got snapchat stories from her. And little pictures of what was going on with her own life. A lot of dirty talk and sexy pictures too. I became a little more active about posting our dating pictures on social media, because I knew it would make her happy. We went on double-dates were my friend and his wife. I thought it would be awkward at first, it was fun. I really opened up. Another family member of her's had a concert in another city, and she wanted me to go. But I couldn't, because I was starting a new job after that weekend, and my family members were having some problems. I made her very alert, from the beginning, that my parents were old and that I was very close to them. I think she was kind of jealous.

 She was leaving for a 3 week trip where she could go on a road trip and visit her family. After that, we were going to plan a big trip to Niagra Falls the weekend before her birthday. That trip is where I thought I would be right now, as I write this post. She was upset that we hadn't been on more trips, but I explained that it wasn't always realistic because of my job and my family commitments. But I was very much for going to Niagra falls with her. I said we would plan the trip when she got back.

The day she left, I came down with signs of HPV, and I was very nervous. I got tested and everything else was clean. I immediately told her, and she got tested too. I thought she sounded a little suspicious of me on the phone. My doctor said this wasn't evidence she had cheated, and that since I had been sexually active prior to the relationship.

We texted while she was on the trip, and she said she wanted to have a conversation about my thoughts on  where the relationship was going when she got back. I agreed. A couple days I had told her I would call her that night, and I failed to do so. My phone died and I fell asleep. She next morning she texted me back, saying that "you know if you want to stay with me, you have to try a little bit." I apologized profusely and called her during my lunch break. We talked things over, and it seemed like things were good. I told her that sometimes I felt a little bit overwhelmed by her, but that it wasn't a problem. I would do my best to be more attentive. She later started the fight again via text, and I told her we would talk about it when she returned.

About two weeks into her trip, I received an anonymous message on facebook saying your girlfriend has been cheating on you. Through some detective work, I figured out who sent the message and the guy to whom it referred to. I noticed that she had hung out with this guy on days I couldn't make it out with her. This guy also liked literally everything she posted on facebook. And he also attempted to add my mother on facebook, which really pissed me off. None of my friends believed it, and told me just to calm down. I tried to act like nothing was wrong on the phone, and she did a lot of nice little things like send me stuff from the places she had been on the road trip. But between the HPV and the anonymous message, I was shooken up and came off kind of cold.

When she got back, I  almost immediately confronted her. She seemed stunned and just avoided addressing the allegation completely. I kept pressing, and finally she said "It was partly true. They kissed. And you're probably going to walk out that door now." I told her I was thinking about it, and berated her. I told her I really loved her, but she acted horrible for a guy who thought she was trash, and I wasn't sure I would stay. We talked for hours, and she said she just kind of assumed I was doing the same thing, and that she needed "light and affirmation when she was in a dark place. And he was there." I told her i love her and care deeply, but just because I can't be with her constantly doesn't mean that I don't. We talked things out for hours and I said I needed some space for a couple days.

She texted me, begging her to take her back, saying she'd prove she was loyal. I agreed to, but I was still furious and it couldn't happen again.

The relationship got better again over the next couple of weeks. She brought up the cheating incident, I didn't. She said I was the most important person in her life and she just wanted to make me happy. I told her to relax, and let's just let the relationship flow for a little and take some time to heal.
It'll be fine. She thought I would hold a grudge against her about it forever, I told her I doubt I would. Time would make things better. She also confided to me that she had contemplated suicide on the night of our fight, because it triggered horrible memories of our childhood.

She gave me the keys to her apartment, and we kept doing things together. But about a week later, out of the blue, she texted me that she was afraid I was going to be abusive and violent towards her. She said I made her feel small. I had never struck her, and I told her I never wanted to make her feel small and wasn't sure how I did so. I said we'd talk more about it the next day.

Throughout that weekend she was hot and cold towards me. She said she was becoming obsessed with the direction of our relationship and that the obsession was ruining her life. I didn't understand how. I told her things were ok and assured I loved her. I wasn't sure what she was so upset about. She said that when I was angry I reminded her of her abusive ex-boyfriend and her violent grandfather.  She thought I was going to abandon her like her father did. She wanted to know if I would follow her for her post doc in 3 years. I told her I couldn't promise that. After all, we had only been dating a few months. But I wanted to keep this relationship going. She insisted she wanted stability, while saying she'd hope I'd move and follow her... .and then possibly follow her to God knows where else after the post doc. I couldn't understand why she was doing so much planning years and years in advance. She asked me if it bothered us that our relationship had an expiration date. I told her it might, but we could cross that bridge when it was closer. There just isn't anything I or anyone can do anything about it. She wasn't committed to finding a job in this city, after her PHD program.

The hot and cold became worse by Monday. I told her I just wanted to make her happy but didn't know what  she wanted from me. She asked if it was causing me stress, and I replied "yes." I asked her if she wanted an open relationship, casual dating, a committed one? I couldn't understand it... .but I loved her and I told her soon. It was one worry after another, and I just didn't know how to address them all. She seemed very sad and so was I.

We didn't talk for a couple days. When we texted later, she broke up with me. Just 6 days earlier everything had seemed fine. I was stunned. I sent her a long text message that night, saying how i wanted to understand her, understand her pain, insisting I wouldn't abandon her, and apologizing for reacting to cheating. She said she was pretty closed off but would discuss more when we exchanged stuff later that day.

Our final 3-hour meeting was the most gut-wrenching thing of my life. i begged her. I told her I loved her, wouldn't leave, would make changes to accomodate her. She said she was afraid to communicate with me, that she had fallen really hard for me and didn't want to scare me away. But that she needed constant validation and attention. I kept repeating over and over how much I loved her and how special and important she was to me. She started unloading on me, about everything I did wrong during the relationship. Not enough romantic gestures, not enough validation. She was upset I didn't meet her father, and didn't make enough plans with her. I just kept apologizing and trying to make things better, begging her to work on it. I told her I didn't want this to be the last time I ever saw her. I was panicking and running out of options. I didn't know what to say. She said she couldn't allow a man to love her, when he would probably walk out like everyone else. I was in tears and just broke down. I asked if we could ever get back together in the future, and she said maybe, she didn't know. We literally stared into each other's eyes for about a minute, saying nothing. I told her I loved her and she was special and important and said goodbye.

That was the last time we said anything. When a week later she was flaunting a new guy that she was dating on instagram.  I unfollowed her, unable to take the pain. I figure he's just a rebound, but my ego was utterly broken. She just unfriended me and most of my friends on facebook.

So that's it. I found this forum, and it seemed the best explanation of her behavior.

I miss her terribly. I've been obsessing non-stop for weeks. I never realized how much i loved her.  and I have so many questions.

- Did she really just kiss this guy who cheated on me with?
- Did I trigger her by threatening to leave her? And if I did, why did she get closer after that then suddenly pull away?
- Is there anything I could have done earlier in the relationship. Pay more attention, text more, more romance, that could have prevented this?
- Could meeting her father have prevented this? If so, why didn't she just phrase that as a request instead of a question.
- Did she ever really love me?
- Does she still love me?
- Am I replaceable, or did she leave me because she was too afraid to accept love?
- Did I ever really know this girl?
- Should I text her happy birthday next week. Is there ANY chance I could get her back?
- Would I want her back?
- If so, would more communication stop this from happening again?
- Is this truly, truly the end?
- I made mistakes, but is this in any way my fault?

Thank you for listening to my story. I'm so hurt and I just want to heal. I don't see how I can now.

[TheSinister]

I just read 50 % of your post but it is not clear from what I read that she has BPD,  She was diagnosed as BPD?

If she is a real BPD person you must realize that the core symptom of this illness prevent them from having long and stable r/s, just read through the countless stories on this site, they all come down to one conclusion.

There is nothing (nothing!) you could do to save her or the r/s itself. What you can save is your own sanity by initiating full NC including FB peeping or any sort of communication from now on, Try to stop thinking about things like if she kissed him or slept with him coz they don't really mean anything anymore and will only make things worse.

Good luck, Its one of the hardest challenges you ever had and it will take a lot of time to heal but it will get easier if you follow the above... I wish you all the best:-)

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Esquared-

And Welcome!  I'm sorry you're in the middle of that, it is very painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we understand.

There's a whole lot in your post, typical for an introductory post, and did you find writing it cathartic?  It usually is.  You will find you'll get more responses and more answers to your questions if you post shorter posts, and for now:

- Did I trigger her by threatening to leave her? And if I did, why did she get closer after that then suddenly pull away?

Think attachments with borderlines.  A borderline needs to develop an emotional attachment with someone to feel they are complete, whole, and once an attachment is established they fear losing it and fear getting too close, fear abandonment and fear engulfment.  So when you threatened to leave you likely triggered her fear of abandonment, which caused her to pull you towards her, which then triggered the fear of engulfment, so she pushed you away.  The push/pull behavior comes out of those two fears.

Hope that helped a little, and I encourage you to take one or two of you questions and start a new topic with them, that way you can get a lot of responses specific to them.

Once again welcome, and take care of you!

[Esquared]

Thanks for the replies. As far as I know, she wasn't diagnosed. But she has admitted she has "severe baggage" and she's terrified of abandonment. I'm internet diagnosing here, but my confusion is really what led me to this website and BPD. The situation seems to check most every box, and I can't really think of any other explanation.

And thanks. I feel guilty about triggering bad childhood memories, but I was just so mad at the time. It's hard to believe that one fight and one thing said out of anger could lead to the end of something I thought was special.

I appreciate the support. It was extremely cathartic to finally write this all down.

[fromheeltoheal]

As far as I know, she wasn't diagnosed. But she has admitted she has "severe baggage" and she's terrified of abandonment. I'm internet diagnosing here, but my confusion is really what led me to this website and BPD. The situation seems to check most every box, and I can't really think of any other explanation.

While learning there is such a thing as borderline personality disorder and learning a little bit about it can help clear up the confusion, in the end it doesn't really matter, it's the behaviors and how they affected you that matter.  Plus, when we learn BPD is a "thing" and other people are also struggling with people in their lives, we're not alone anymore.

I appreciate the support. It was extremely cathartic to finally write this all down.

Good.  Now, as mentioned, you might start a thread, or use this one, to address one question or issue at a time, so you can get specific input on it.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hi Esquared,

Welcome to this site. I read your entire post and when I was reading it flashbacks of my relationship where going thru my head.  Plain and simple you have to get rid of her. I was exactly a year ago where you are right now and it is the most painful thing a person can go through.

 This is not the last time you will hear from her . The push and pull has started and will not stop unless you do. Please do yourself a favour, look for therapy and heal from this deep wound. It will not be simple, it will be painful but that is your best choice and only choice. The recycles will continue ONLY until you stop it.

Either she is BPD or not this is not how a healthy relationship should be. They can tell we are good people and know how to manipulate us. They may not manipulate us because they mean to, but because that is the only way they can hide their internal issues and their own pain.

Good luck and take care of yourself.