Don't know what to do

[Please_help]

I love my wife deeply, but always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Recently, she said we're both miserable in this relationship, and she can't go on like this. Seems like she's ready to call it quits, yet a day goes by, and maybe she's in a better mood, and I feel somewhat needed (at least my services). A counselor friend said look into BPD, and see if that could be her issue. After reading some stuff, I'm like wow, this is exactly what I feel like I've been experiencing. If it's true, what do I do?  How do we get help, because our marriage is all but gone. Please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Please_help,



I'd like to welcome you to BPD family. I completely understand how it can feel futile when you try to make your marriage work and nothing seems to work. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, I suggest reading the lessons to the right side of the board and discussions around the site.

Read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time, the knowledge will help you understand why a pwBPD behave and react the way that they do. For example communication is key, a pwBPD have feelings of shame, low self worth, low self esteem and are hyper critical with themselves. I'd like to think that how rigid and harsh my ex wife can be externally, is probably mirrored with how she thinks about herself internally.

Tweaking how we communicate with a highly sensitive person helps the relationship, validation is important with a pwBPD and it can also be applied with other r/s's. Do you have kids together? How long have you been married? You mentioned a counselor friend, are you in marriage counseling, are you taking counseling separately? You're not alone.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[C.Stein]

Hello,

That lightbulb moment can be both a shock and a relief.  I'll echo what Mutt said and ask what signs do you see in your wife that leads you to believe she suffers from BPD?  Understanding the behavior can lead to successful ways to manage this issues that you face.

[Please_help]

We've been married about 20 years together with 3 kids. We are not in counseling together.  Seeing separate therapists. I read this https://beyondtheborderlinepersonality.wordpress.com/category/blame/ and felt like that's where we are. It's so up and down. She's struggled with depression for most of her life. She is an incredible, vivacious, funny, intelligent, beautiful person on "good" days, but bad days are bad.  She's sad, angry (usually stuffing and silent treatment), anxious, stressed out, fatigued.  If she "let's me in some" to hear her, she may feel ashamed, betrayed, like nobody can be trusted, worthless, miserable, not sure who she is or what she wants to do.  And I'm in the way of her happiness. She's had some very traumatic events from growing up years and re-lived this recently, when she had to bring it up in front of some people that she thought were her friends. I love her with all my heart. I'd do anything to help, but usually, whatever I do or don't, it's the wrong thing. I haven't read a whole lot about BPD, but I read something about fear of abandonment. And, I don't know how that plays into things, because it seems like she's constantly (or often)  pushing me away or shutting me out and wants to be by herself. Although, she is (or has in the past been) a self-described extrovert.

[Mutt]

How do you feel? Is there conflict? Do you get a chance to do something that you enjoy? What do you do for self care? Do you have non judge mental friends or family members that you talk with in real life when you need someone to talk to"

[Please_help]

I feel unloved as of the last 2-3 months, primarily because she shows me almost no affection (hugs, touches, I love yous, etc). The conflict is this feeling of always wondering if I'm going to do something (or not do something) that will trigger her and set her off. It's up and down, so I don't know what to expect. I take care of myself physically pretty good and have people I can talk to, but I'd like to know what I can do, or is our marriage doomed to be over?