Our Anniversary

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday was our "would-be" 7 year anniversary, since we are no longer together.

I haven't been in a very good headspace the past couple days. We have been in minimal contact for a couple weeks now, when she told me she would like to be friends.

After getting together a week ago, we agreed that any future contact would be up to me, since I am not at the same place as her. She is seemingly detached, while I am still hung up on her. I've messaged her a few times since then, nothing serious or too lengthy - pretty short and sweet. Just things she would find funny and once to talk about our shared cat, who she has. She has always responded well. At first I was hesitant to continue contacting her, and perhaps I shouldn't have, but I gave in to the temptation and the quick fix of getting to talk to her. I also realized that the only reason I wouldn't talk to her would be more or less game playing... .pulling back to see how she reacted. And while that may work, I would just rather my actions be authentic. Two nights ago I told her that if she wanted to, she could contact me or initiate getting together as well. I guess I gave away any control that I had in doing that, but I'm tired of these uneven dynamics. First I wasn't supposed to contact her to give her space (lasted 2 months)... .and now I'm the one to call all the shots and initiate contact. I just don't like having any sort of relationship like that, friendship or otherwise. I would be more comfortable without these "rules" - if she wants to talk to me, she can, if I change my mind I'll let her know, or if I don't want to see her I'll decline. And vice versa.

The thing is, I kind of doubt she'll be getting in touch with me. At least not often or soon. I could be wrong, but I think she just wants to know that she has me as an option.

That has been a really painful realization because I miss her so much. I loved seeing her, and it kills me to think about what day it was yesterday and realize that she probably couldn't have cared less. No contact from her since, everything has been initiated by me. That could be because of our "agreement", but I also just feel like it's easier for her to go without talking to me now. She's grown accustomed to it. I had a really rough day yesterday - worse than expected. I cried over her for the first time in a while, just thinking about what we'd done on anniversaries prior, and how much they always meant to her. At this point, (now that I've told her she can), I'll be waiting for her to initiate any contact. Not as a rule set in stone, but unless I have a great reason to do otherwise. If she does contact me to get together again, I'm willing to test the waters a bit more and see what could come of this. I know it's risky, but unfortunately I'm the type of person who doesn't really get over something until exhausting all options and literally seeing that it no longer works. I just can't deal with "what ifs". I think a big obstacle in my detachment process has been that very issue - I obsess over all possibilities and maybe this will make it clearer for me, in one way or another.

[JJacks0]

Yesterday was our "would-be" 7 year anniversary, since we are no longer together.

I haven't been in a very good headspace the past couple days. We have been in minimal contact for a couple weeks now, when she told me she would like to be friends.

After getting together a week ago, we agreed that any future contact would be up to me, since I am not at the same place as her. She is seemingly detached, while I am still hung up on her. I've messaged her a few times since then, nothing serious or too lengthy - pretty short and sweet. Just things she would find funny and once to talk about our shared cat, who she has. She has always responded well. At first I was hesitant to continue contacting her, and perhaps I shouldn't have, but I gave in to the temptation and the quick fix of getting to talk to her. I also realized that the only reason I wouldn't talk to her would be more or less game playing... .pulling back to see how she reacted. And while that may work, I would just rather my actions be authentic. Two nights ago I told her that if she wanted to, she could contact me or initiate getting together as well. I guess I gave away any control that I had in doing that, but I'm tired of these uneven dynamics. First I wasn't supposed to contact her to give her space (lasted 2 months)... .and now I'm the one to call all the shots and initiate contact. I just don't like having any sort of relationship like that, friendship or otherwise. I would be more comfortable without these "rules" - if she wants to talk to me, she can, if I change my mind I'll let her know, or if I don't want to see her I'll decline. And vice versa.

The thing is, I kind of doubt she'll be getting in touch with me. At least not often or soon. I could be wrong, but I think she just wants to know that she has me as an option.

That has been a really painful realization because I miss her so much. I loved seeing her, and it kills me to think about what day it was yesterday and realize that she probably couldn't have cared less. No contact from her since, everything has been initiated by me. That could be because of our "agreement", but I also just feel like it's easier for her to go without talking to me now. She's grown accustomed to it. I had a really rough day yesterday - worse than expected. I cried over her for the first time in a while, just thinking about what we'd done on anniversaries prior, and how much they always meant to her. At this point, (now that I've told her she can), I'll be waiting for her to initiate any contact. Not as a rule set in stone, but unless I have a great reason to do otherwise. If she does contact me to get together again, I'm willing to test the waters a bit more and see what could come of this. I know it's risky, but unfortunately I'm the type of person who doesn't really get over something until exhausting all options and literally seeing that it no longer works. I just can't deal with "what ifs". I think a big obstacle in my detachment process has been that very issue - I obsess over all possibilities and maybe this will make it clearer for me, in one way or another.

[joeramabeme]

JJacks0

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I get it.  M first wedding anniversary after she left was really hard for me.  I broke down and sent a message to her.  She replied back with something to the effect of; "I acknowledge our marriage for all it was".  Very detached and clear that there was no interest at all.

The degree of surrealism in all of this seems beyond fiction, but they say 'truth is stranger than fiction' and in the case of BPD, I think they are right.

Hang in, it does get easier.  Do something nice for yourself if you have the energy.

[valet]

Hey JJacks, sorry things are going a bit rough for you at the moment.

Her behavior is confusing. I see why it's causing you pain.

A serious point here that you should consider. From my point of view it seems like she is the one calling all of the shots. This won't make things any easier on you. You'll just end up tumbling down the hill with her.

You can mitigate your availability as an option, but that is going to be a very difficult process emotionally. So, you're in between a rock and a hard place.

Do you want to talk more about those doubts that she'll be in touch with you, rather than you having to make first contact each time?

[JJacks0]

Thank you both.

I guess I was wrong about her making contact. She sent me a text this morning, asking if I'd meet her after her last class today. She just wants to get a drink and work on homework together. This friend zone area is such an odd place to be with her, but if I go I know I'll just have to act unfazed by it.

Stranger than fiction is right.

[patientandclear]

It makes sense she would want this with you--you're great and you care for her. The question is whether it can grow from here or whether this amounts to you being used in ways that ultimately feel bad to you.

In my case, I assumed the former, but it ended up being the latter. Like you, I had to find that out myself.

[Sadly]

Are you going to go? Can you deal with this? I know you miss her but do you want to be just an option? Luck and hugs to you whatever happens.   xx

[rosesarered777]

I have never had any proof of it, but I am sure they remember anniversaries. We just broke up early October of last year a day before our 6th anniversary and I casually mentioned,'Hey, at least we hit our 6th!' jokingly and she shot it down. I think she later remembered that... I would not be at all surprised if she also remembered October 4th this year when we were separated, as 4 days later she seemed to be depressed. She would later come back and want marriage 2-3 months later.

It's almost the 3 month mark so I am expecting her to come back and ask for kids. We are also hitting November-December, months where it really hits home when people are single or separated. If that doesn't bring her back, I don't know what will!

[kc sunshine]

Our anniversary is October 22nd (it would have been 3 years). Maybe that's why I've been n even sadder than usual these last few day . She's living with her new girlfriend now. It's still shocking to me.

[Sadly]

Aww, try not to be sad KC,   xx

[JJacks0]

I did go see her. We met to do homework together, but really just sat and talked and had drinks for a few hours.

I had such a good time. I felt like there was something there, but it's probably wishful thinking. She just seemed so happy, kept smiling and laughing. At one point she teared up telling me how she misses my family. We talked about how I missed hers too but how her family just sort of lets things go when it's done. She told me she got those detachment skills from her parents.

When we left she gave me a big hug and smiled. It made me so happy, but it's entirely possible that she was just happy that we could be "friends". I don't know. I messaged her later while I was at a concert and we just exchanged a few more friendly texts. But now I know I need to stop and just see if she texts me or calls me. I'm probably putting myself in a bad position because I'm just sitting here thinking about her all the time, wanting to be with her more, and she may be seeing other people. I honestly don't know if that's happening or not right now.

 

[SoMadSoSad]

I sense a recycle coming on. Remember pwBpd have black and white thinking or all or nothing thinking and also have trouble with friendships. Also i suggest you read on these boards for effective communication skills with borderlines.

[JJacks0]

True, that's why I found this friendship attempt surprising. She had always told me in the past it was all or nothing. I really can't tell what she's thinking... .she's made it seem like she does just want to be friends.

[JJacks0]

Do recycles start this way?

We've never really broken up before, so I don't know what signs to look for.

[Sadly]

Hi JJ
I think recycles start in various ways, sadly they all tend to end the same way though. I always knew I could never just be friends with my ex, quite simply I loved him too much. Not much worse than unrequited love, being with someone that you want to hug and be hugged back, kiss and be kissed back, hold hands with walking down the road. I found I was as lonely with him as when I was alone. More lonely actually.
The sad thing is I know he loves me, he just cannot/dare not allow it to come through and compromise his own safety. I also realised that when he was at his most vile, spitting hatred at me, somewhere inside him was torn and crying, hating himself for what he was doing but he couldn't stop. He was also what is termed in the uk a mans man. In some atavistic way the louder he roared, the harder he beat his chest the stronger he was !
I made the mistake many times of going back, thinking one day he would see me and what our life could be. Look into yourself JJ, could you just be a friend, really truly. When the dawning in my mind finally came I was heartbroken and incredibly peaceful all at the same time, losing him was like hearing every goodbye that was ever said to me, all at once and finding me was like seeing the first smile of a baby. You will get there JJ we all will because quite simply you have to.
Lots of love from Sadly   x

[JJacks0]

Thanks Sadly.

I agree, I don't think I could ever be satisfied just being friends with her. There is far too much emotion present... .I love her to death and we have so much history together.

I've been willing to engage with her as friends despite this, because of the temporary high I get from seeing or talking to her- I feel like an addict who just needs my fix of her to make me feel better for a little while. The two times I've seen her since our break up have caused a mixture of emotions, but I haven't laughed that genuinely or felt so content in someone's company in a long time. It just felt so good to be with her again, like a weight was taken off my shoulders for that moment.

But a big part of me does hope that this could go somewhere. I'm not truly content in this friendship while I want more, & the idea of her seeing other people still makes me sick.

I have so much regret, because for a significant period of time, she was that person who wanted to be affectionate, work on our r/s, etc... .and I was the one holding back, refusing and being stubborn. After all we've been through, the things I've seen... .the rages, self-destructive behavior, suicide ideation/attempts, etc. I just unintentionally built a huge wall. I didn't trust her yet. As much as I wanted to, a little voice inside me told me to be careful. I felt like at any moment, my perfect little life could be squashed again, out of left field. So I simply couldn't allow myself to get that close to her again. The irony is that now it seems we've reversed roles. Her perceived abandonment by me has caused her to create her own wall. Now I'm at a point where I can look at the relationship and say all is forgiven, I understand what happened as best I can, and I know my role in it as well. But now she is the one who doesn't want to let me back in fully. I really think she still loves me, but she can't seem to allow herself to, for fear that she will be hurt again. Unfortunately, I can understand that. I just desperately wish there were something I could do to fix this.