I need advice anything will help

[Hopeless1992]

I have another post on here about my situation basically I left my BPD partner after 2 months I wanted her back so I tried contacting her she said she doesn't feel the same anymore and that all she can offer me is just friends. She has already stated that she is talking to other guys and most likely seeing them too. I was thinking about sending her a text that is like this

Hey, I respect that you're single and seeing other people. I just don't think I can stand around waiting knowing you're possibly out with someone else. I know I made the choice to leave in the first place. But I realized I was wrong for leaving. You know where I stand on my feelings, so if you decide you want to try again you know how to reach me. But I'm done fighting for someone who doesn't want me in return. I truly love you. I hope that no matter what you do you find happiness.

I wanted to know people's thoughts about this

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

What were your reasons for leaving and why do you now think they are wrong?

[Aussie0zborn]

This is a tough position to be in. Firstly, I don't think it's wise to send that message. You state there that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and yet you're telling her you're waiting for her.

You no doubt left her for a reason. If you've been on her BPD roller coaster you would be setting yourself up for more of that and it gets worse each time you go back. Children are punished for bad behaviour and yet when adults withe BOD do it we accept it and reward them? Going back affirms that we will take all their nonsense which quite often means setting yourself up for abuse. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Can you out your emotions aside and think with your brain? Why did you leave her and was it right for you to do so? I would think it probably was.

Your proposed message says, "I just can't stand around waiting knowing you're possibly out with someone else". But that's exactly what you're doing. Sending that message will only lower her opinion of you and you run the risk of setting yourself up for abuse and eventual discarding like a piece of trash if you get back together.  My experience is that they respect you less and less each time you accept their unacceptable behaviour. Have you tried talking to a therapist?

[Hopeless1992]

What were your reasons for leaving and why do you now think they are wrong?

Basically we had kinda broken up at the time we tried to work things out but after a great night everything went so south. She accused me of cheating. Told me she hated me that she wanted nothing to do with me. Started hurling insults at me well I had enough and told her I was done and stopped communicating with her she tried to talk to me and communicate with me but I just shut down to protect myself. I was wrong because I let a small bump get in the way of our forever I should've been more understanding of what she deals with every day.

[Hopeless1992]

This is a tough position to be in. Firstly, I don't think it's wise to send that message. You state there that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and yet you're telling her you're waiting for her.

You no doubt left her for a reason. If you've been on her BPD roller coaster you would be setting yourself up for more of that and it gets worse each time you go back. Children are punished for bad behaviour and yet when adults withe BOD do it we accept it and reward them? Going back affirms that we will take all their nonsense which quite often means setting yourself up for abuse. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Can you out your emotions aside and think with your brain? Why did you leave her and was it right for you to do so? I would think it probably was.

Your proposed message says, "I just can't stand around waiting knowing you're possibly out with someone else". But that's exactly what you're doing. Sending that message will only lower her opinion of you and you run the risk of setting yourself up for abuse and eventual discarding like a piece of trash if you get back together.  My experience is that they respect you less and less each time you accept their unacceptable behaviour. Have you tried talking to a therapist?

I'll be honest I've read so much about BPD in the recent months and I know things will always be hard but I don't care. She really did make me happy even with all the fighting and hard time. I loved her... .

[C.Stein]

She really did make me happy even with all the fighting and hard time. I loved her... .

Do you feel constant fighting is normal for a two month relationship? 

[Hopeless1992]

She really did make me happy even with all the fighting and hard time. I loved her... .

Do you feel constant fighting is normal for a two month relationship? 

Oh I'm sorry we were were together for a year we stopped talking for 2 months

[C.Stein]

She really did make me happy even with all the fighting and hard time. I loved her... .

Do you feel constant fighting is normal for a two month relationship? 

Oh I'm sorry we were were together for a year we stopped talking for 2 months

OK ... .so what about for a year?  How do you see the next 10 years playing out?

[Hopeless1992]

Idk but all I know is I want her back. We were happy once and I made the mistake of leaving her

[C.Stein]

Idk but all I know is I want her back. We were happy once and I made the mistake of leaving her

It is important you understand the reasons why and what you are getting into long term.  Operating on blind hope is a sure recipe for failure ... .speaking from experience.

[Aussie0zborn]

Operating on blind hope is a sure recipe for failure ... .speaking from experience.

Agree.

My experience is that the highs you experienced together were all an act. It's like a drug. I recently referred a friend to this forum and it opened his eyes and allowed him to go No Contact. Before that he said, "now I know what a heroin addiction feels like". Reading this forum helped him realise what was happening, what stage he was at and that going NC was his only course of action. It's different for everybody but these relationships often follow the same script.

Wishing that everything could be the way it was during the first stage of a BPD  relationship is probably deluding yourself. Why not give some serious thought to the question posed above... ."How do you see the next ten years playing out?"

This relationship can profoundly impact your life so it's not a bad idea to have a good think about this question.

[obliv326]

I understand how you feel. I have one in my life who has consistently hurt and disappointed me, but when she's not around I feel completely empty. Everyone of my friends is constantly telling me that she doesn't care about me and I am just refusing to see it. I don't think that's the case bc she keeps seeking me out... .And I just want a chance to see if it would work.

That said, I don't think you should send the message. If anything is going to work, it's probably not going to come from you. I don't know for sure, but it seems like anything you say is going to be filtered through their BPD anyway and she'll just decide what it means based on her emotions. If she's going to come back she'll have to come back on her own. And trust me, there isn't much you can do to cause that to happen, but plenty you can do to cause her to go the other way. I would say just stay NC. If nothing else, if you've said that's what you're going to do, then breaking your word will make them think they can get you to do whatever they want and not to respect what you say

[Hopeless1992]

So I sent the message just told her that I couldn't deal with her ignoring me anymore. She texts me back she isn't trying to ignore me that she's frustrated with everyone and everything and that she hasn't seen anyone in weeks and that's she's just been alone trying to deal with life. How should I take that

[obliv326]

Do you believe her? They tend to be conflict avoidant and will lie to your face if it means they don't have to answer difficult questions. Hell, mine told me that she would lie instead of tell me something difficult because that way I don't get hurt and she gets to do what she wants. Later she walked that back and said otherwise... .and was lying to my face when she did.

If she is telling the truth, how do you feel about that? It seems to me that regardless of whether she is seeing anyone or not, that message was sort of an "I'm hermiting right now" thing and she kind of doesn't want to have to deal with anything. I could be wrong, but I would take that as her wanting some space to do whatever it is she has to do to deal with things. Maybe give her a few weeks and check in again, but definitely don't make her deal with something right now. I can't see that going well.

[TheRose]

I second everything obliv326 says.

[Hopeless1992]

Do you believe her? They tend to be conflict avoidant and will lie to your face if it means they don't have to answer difficult questions. Hell, mine told me that she would lie instead of tell me something difficult because that way I don't get hurt and she gets to do what she wants. Later she walked that back and said otherwise... .and was lying to my face when she did.

If she is telling the truth, how do you feel about that? It seems to me that regardless of whether she is seeing anyone or not, that message was sort of an "I'm hermiting right now" thing and she kind of doesn't want to have to deal with anything. I could be wrong, but I would take that as her wanting some space to do whatever it is she has to do to deal with things. Maybe give her a few weeks and check in again, but definitely don't make her deal with something right now. I can't see that going well.

She says she isn't ready for a relationship with anyone and she she doesn't know how she feels about anything. And that she's not capable of fixing anything right now. I can tell she's fishing around on social media because I know her well and her posts keep appearing in my feed. We have been talking through text but she generally takes about an hour to respond but I will get notifications on fb that she's posting in between texts. I told her I can't stand around and wait until she's ready if she's talking to other guys which she says she isn't. I'm not sure if she's just using me until she finds someone else and if that's the case what can I do to counter it. Should I try to be friends with her and wait or just move on and hope that one day she comes back. 8 feel like if I leave that she will feel like I'm abandoning her and she will resent me for it and if I stick around that she will just continue to lead me on until she finds someone else. What are some opinions.

[SoMadSoSad]

I dont think you can move on with the hopes that one day she will come back. You wouldn't really be moving on now would you? You could completely detach from her which would include losing that hope that she comes back, work on yourself and becoming more healthy so that you could have a more suitable relationship with yourself and others.

[Hopeless1992]

I dont think you can move on with the hopes that one day she will come back. You wouldn't really be moving on now would you? You could completely detach from her which would include losing that hope that she comes back, work on yourself and becoming more healthy so that you could have a more suitable relationship with yourself and others.

I'm beginning to feel that way. I won't ever move on if we keep talking and it hurts too much to wait. Should I even say anything or just stop responding you her. It breaks my heart because I want to wait and try to convince her to be with me again but I see the window is gone now.

[SoMadSoSad]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

[Hopeless1992]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

You're right. This hurts me so much... .a big part of me just wants to wait for her and I don't want to regret going away if it could've helped

[SoMadSoSad]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

You're right. This hurts me so much... .a big part of me just wants to wait for her and I don't want to regret going away if it could've helped

Well put yourself in her shoes. If you were her you wouldnt want someone waiting on you to get your head together right. No one should put their life on hold for someone else. She should understand and respect your decision. You will also be showing respect for yourself and in doing so people will follow thread and respect you the same. You should have no regrets as you have put the ball in her court and gave her a chance. You have tried. Now its her turn to try.

[Hopeless1992]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

You're right. This hurts me so much... .a big part of me just wants to wait for her and I don't want to regret going away if it could've helped

Well put yourself in her shoes. If you were her you wouldnt want someone waiting on you to get your head together right. No one should put their life on hold for someone else. She should understand and respect your decision. You will also be showing respect for yourself and in doing so people will follow thread and respect you the same. You should have no regrets as you have put the ball in her court and gave her a chance. You have tried. Now its her turn to try

I just have one question you don't think her actually talking to me again is part of her trying? I know I hurt her and I feel as tho she's afraid to get hurt again maybe this is just one ste in the road to recovery

[SoMadSoSad]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

You're right. This hurts me so much... .a big part of me just wants to wait for her and I don't want to regret going away if it could've helped

Well put yourself in her shoes. If you were her you wouldnt want someone waiting on you to get your head together right. No one should put their life on hold for someone else. She should understand and respect your decision. You will also be showing respect for yourself and in doing so people will follow thread and respect you the same. You should have no regrets as you have put the ball in her court and gave her a chance. You have tried. Now its her turn to try

I just have one question you don't think her actually talking to me again is part of her trying? I know I hurt her and I feel as tho she's afraid to get hurt again maybe this is just one ste in the road to recovery

Youre putting your whole self out there and shes just feeding you crumbs by just talking... .AND its whenever she feels like responding. Is that what you want moving forward? Because if things do develop more this will be the basis of the relationship, where she has all the power and you are at her beck and call.

[Hopeless1992]

If I were you I would just be up front and let her know why youre going no contact. Being upfront and honest is always good practice for healthy relationships.

You're right. This hurts me so much... .a big part of me just wants to wait for her and I don't want to regret going away if it could've helped

Well put yourself in her shoes. If you were her you wouldnt want someone waiting on you to get your head together right. No one should put their life on hold for someone else. She should understand and respect your decision. You will also be showing respect for yourself and in doing so people will follow thread and respect you the same. You should have no regrets as you have put the ball in her court and gave her a chance. You have tried. Now its her turn to try

I just have one question you don't think her actually talking to me again is part of her trying? I know I hurt her and I feel as tho she's afraid to get hurt again maybe this is just one ste in the road to recovery

Youre putting your whole self out there and shes just feeding you crumbs by just talking... .AND its whenever she feels like responding. Is that what you want moving forward? Because if things do develop more this will be the basis of the relationship, where she has all the power and you are at her beck and call.

No that's not what I want out of it. I just don't know. Can I take back the power

[SoMadSoSad]

Yes but it requires doing something that youre not comfortable with.

[Hopeless1992]

Yes but it requires doing something that youre not comfortable with.

What's that?

[SoMadSoSad]

Yes but it requires doing something that youre not comfortable with.

What's that?

Detaching from her and movinig on. Taking care of yourself and putting you first. Odds are she will reach out at some point and when she does the ball will be in your court and you will have all the power.

[Hopeless1992]

Yes but it requires doing something that youre not comfortable with.

What's that?

Detaching from her and movinig on. Taking care of yourself and putting you first. Odds are she will reach out at some point and when she does the ball will be in your court and you will have all the power.

I sent you a private message if you can read it.

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm beginning to feel that way. I won't ever move on if we keep talking and it hurts too much to wait. Should I even say anything or just stop responding you her. It breaks my heart because I want to wait and try to convince her to be with me again but I see the window is gone now.

There was no window. With BPD it was going to play out this way regardless. This isn't because you did/said the wrong thing at the wrong time, because with pwBPD there is never the right thing to say that will make everything good. One of the hallmarks of a BPD relationship is that it's always heads they win tails you lose, and you're always left thinking that had you only did/said the right thing everything would have gone differently.

It's one of the big ways pwBPD control and manipulate their partners, keep their partners blaming themselves, keep their partners doubting and second guessing everything they say and do, and keep them on unstable ground.

You can't change her BPD because of how much you care about her, but you sure can change yourself and keep clear of an obviously toxic situation. Do some reading on codependency and it might help you see why you're so attracted to this situation, and might help you steer clear of things like this in the future.

[James509]

What does no contact really mean?