Wow I never thought she would reach out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Check the fb today and saw that she sent a message request back on the 16th that said Hey *******. I thought she would never reach out as she has burned the bridge. Her facebook pic is still of her and the replacement kissing. I am in shock. Never in a million years did I think she would actually reach out.

[SoMadSoSad]

Check the fb today and saw that she sent a message request back on the 16th that said Hey *******. I thought she would never reach out as she has burned the bridge. Her facebook pic is still of her and the replacement kissing. I am in shock. Never in a million years did I think she would actually reach out.

[Jeff26]

Did she reach out just to say hi?

[SoMadSoSad]

Well she sent the hi on the 16th and im just now seeing it today so im not sure what she wanted.

[Kelli Cornett]

Read it and than don't reply

[hurting300]

Check the fb today and saw that she sent a message request back on the 16th that said Hey *******. I thought she would never reach out as she has burned the bridge. Her facebook pic is still of her and the replacement kissing. I am in shock. Never in a million years did I think she would actually reach out.

How long were you No Contact with her?

[SoMadSoSad]

About 8 months

[rfriesen]

I am in shock. Never in a million years did I think she would actually reach out.

Hi SMSS. It sounds like a bolt from the blue. She's reached out contrary to all your expectations. What, if anything, do you want from this unexpected turn of events? A simple "hi" leaves you guessing at her motivations and what she wants. It sounds like an invitation for you to pursue those riddles. Quite possibly she would like to see how attached you still are, how badly you want to know why she would reach out, how far you might go to solve the great riddle that she is!

Many of us have played that game and it often ends badly. Is that what this seems like to you? Do you care to find out? If so, what still draws you to her, or at least to wanting to know what's in her mind/heart?

[Rayban]

Her Facebook profile picture is with another dude.  Do you want to deal with her being with someone else? She's not your problem anymore.  Stay away, don't respond, and be grateful for having gotten away from her.

[SoMadSoSad]

I responded with a hey whats up but i doubt shw will answer. Im sure she just messaged me when she was having a rough patch with the replacement. I dont expect anything will happen from this interaction and i dont plan on engaging in a recycle. I just found it shocking that she would reach out after burning the bridge and for a long time i had doubt she was actually BPD but this is just more proof.

[rfriesen]

I responded with a hey whats up but i doubt shw will answer. Im sure she just messaged me when she was having a rough patch with the replacement. I dont expect anything will happen from this interaction and i dont plan on engaging in a recycle. I just found it shocking that she would reach out after burning the bridge and for a long time i had doubt she was actually BPD but this is just more proof.

SMSS, given what you say above, what are you hoping to achieve by responding to her message? Also, if she burned the bridge so badly that you find it shocking she would reach out, why are you suggesting to her that you're not shocked and that the bridge wasn't burned so badly? (What other message is she likely to take from the fact that you responded in such a normal/casual tone? Doesn't that signal to her that the bridge wasn't burned and that you'll respond when she reaches out?)

I don't mean these questions in an accusatory way, since everyone here can understand and relate to what you're feeling. I simply offer them for reflection.

[SoMadSoSad]

Well it would be cool to be friends with her again now that im not affected by her behavior. We just chatted a bit today and she apologized and wanted to let me know im not a bad person. I apologized also and we caught up a bit and now i ended the convo. Was good that she gave me closure.

[Circle]

Cool. Now, it's up to you. You have gone through almost a year of hard work, detaching. Can you make a decisive thought? If you end up having sex again, even accidentally, that year of hard work will have been in vain. Is it possible for you to decide ahead of time where you stand on the physical/holding/kissing issue before it ever happens?

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm pretty sure she wont reach out anymore my tone was pretty casual and indifferent so I didn't give a hint of attachment. Besides she still with the replacement and they still seem to be openly expressing love for one another.

[rfriesen]

I'm pretty sure she wont reach out anymore my tone was pretty casual and indifferent so I didn't give a hint of attachment. Besides she still with the replacement and they still seem to be openly expressing love for one another.

Here you have your analysis of what you think she wants and your expectations of how she'll act. Do you know what you want? Are you waiting to see what she does before deciding?

[SoMadSoSad]

I got what i want which is closure and thats it. She hasnt contacted me again so she got the closure she needed also.

[Circle]

Right, we hear you. She didn't contact you for almost a year though. Who is to say she will not reach out to you again? Do you have any idea how you will react if she gets in touch once more, in the not-too-distant future?

[SoMadSoSad]

I would react the same, casual and indifferent. She definitely didn't seem interested in a recycle or anything. It was actually a normal conversation as if she didn't have BPD.

[C.Stein]

Perhaps all she needed from you was to know you don't hate her. 

[Circle]

It's great that you've worked so hard to reach a place of casual indifference.
Good work!

[SoMadSoSad]

Perhaps all she needed from you was to know you don't hate her. 

Yea thats what it seems like and i was glad to lift some of the guilt and shame from her plate. She acknowledged that she made poor choices while she was undergoing a lot of stress at the time and said she is working on bettering herself which is good to hear. I had to force myself to not bring up BPD because i know she cant really better herself unless she attacks the root of the problem but i guess thats for her and her boyfriend to find out.

[SoMadSoSad]

It's great that you've worked so hard to reach a place of casual indifference.
Good work!

Thanks circle. I guess all it really took was time to process everything and reading these boards over and over really helped with lifting the fog and healing. I hope the same for all of us here.

[SoMadSoSad]

Welp feeling a little set back and down today. I'm back to wondering how she is still with the replacement. And now that she is acknowledging her behavior is she treating him different. *sigh*

[joeramabeme]

Welp feeling a little set back and down today. I'm back to wondering how she is still with the replacement. And now that she is acknowledging her behavior is she treating him different. *sigh*

Hey SMSS - your response of sadness seems appropriate.  We go through so much effort to detach and move on and for many of us, that includes leaving pieces of permanently unresolved feelings behind. 

Of course wondering what someone else has that we did not is a big question.  Yet, in a strange way, if our exes are personality disordered and we cannot fill their needs (and no one can), isn't that as much a statement of our well being versus feeling rejection?

Of course this understanding is no substitute for the love lost, but, I would also not jump to any conclusions that the new guy is somehow better than you or better off with her.  This is just the present person in her life - subject to change at any moment.

How long were you with your ex?

[SoMadSoSad]

Welp feeling a little set back and down today. I'm back to wondering how she is still with the replacement. And now that she is acknowledging her behavior is she treating him different. *sigh*

Hey SMSS - your response of sadness seems appropriate.  We go through so much effort to detach and move on and for many of us, that includes leaving pieces of permanently unresolved feelings behind. 

Of course wondering what someone else has that we did not is a big question.  Yet, in a strange way, if our exes are personality disordered and we cannot fill their needs (and no one can), isn't that as much a statement of our well being versus feeling rejection?

Of course this understanding is no substitute for the love lost, but, I would also not jump to any conclusions that the new guy is somehow better than you or better off with her.  This is just the present person in her life - subject to change at any moment.

How long were you with your ex?

For about 9 months. Live together and worked together for about 6 months.