Saw her again...

[JJacks0]

She messaged me on Thursday morning and asked if I'd like to get together that afternoon. We met to do homework together, but really just sat and talked and had drinks for a few hours.

I had such a good time. I felt like there was something there, but it's probably wishful thinking. She just seemed so happy, kept smiling and laughing. At one point she teared up telling me how she misses my family. We talked about how I missed hers too but how her family just sort of lets things go when it's done. She told me she got those detachment qualities from her parents.

When we left she gave me a big hug and smiled. It made me so happy, but it's entirely possible that she was just happy that we could be "friends". I don't know. I messaged her later while I was at a concert and we just exchanged a few more friendly texts. But now I know I need to stop and just see if she texts me or calls me. I'm probably putting myself in a bad position because I'm just sitting here thinking about her all the time, wanting to be with her more, and she may be seeing other people. I honestly don't know if that's happening or not right now. If it is, I know it isn't too serious... .but I still know I can't really just be friends with her in the long run. I feel too strongly for her.

It's only been a day really since we've talked, but I want to talk to her all the time... .I keep wishing she'd message me but she hasn't. I'm going to stay quiet, because I think I need to now. I just keep hoping that she misses me and will reach out to me again soon.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[JJacks0]

As I promised myself, I have not attempted to contact her at all since Thursday. But this feels like the beginning of my NC ordeal all over again. It's so difficult... .I constantly think of little things I'd like to tell her or feel like making plans with her. I guess for me, restarting contact with her made me fall right back into the space I was with her before, when we were together. It's like I don't know how to be "just a friend".

She, on the other hand, hasn't seemed to struggle much at all with wanting to contact me (since she now knows she can). I know it's only been a few days, but I half expected that she would after we had such a good time together. I thought the fun, positivity and validation would be a draw for her.

Last night I had a dream that she and I were out on the town with friends somewhere and I was being affectionate towards her. At one point she seemed very annoyed and asked me to stop. Then in the car on the way home she was mocking me in front of a mutual friend. I constantly have dreams like this that highlight my insecurities with her. When I woke up from it this morning I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and dread... .I'm not sure I can handle this. Clearly "just friends" is not something that I want.

[thisagain]

Hey Jacks 

I'm sorry none of us responded to this earlier. How's it been going since you saw her?

I think it's normal that you're struggling with being "just friends" with her. Not many former couples can pull it off, especially when the breakup is recent. Former romantic partners have such a different set of past experiences than "friends" would, and relate to each other in different ways. That goes for all romantic relationships, but especially the kind of intense, highly emotionally and sexually charged relationships that we tend to have when BPD is involved.

So I'm hearing that you don't want to be "friends" with her, but you're hoping that having positive interactions as "friends" will draw her back into a relationship with you. Is that still how you're feeling? Has she expressed any interest in getting back together?

[JJacks0]

Hi thisagain, thank you for the reply.

Since the last time I saw her I kept my promise to myself and did not contact her at all.
Last night (after about 10 days), she messaged me to compliment my Halloween costume. She saw a photo on social media, and it was something we had always joked about doing.

I didn't respond until this evening. I was out with a friend when she messaged me and I just don't want to get in the habit of making her my top priority again when I'm not hers. We exchanged a couple friendly texts. I assume we'll see each other again sometime in the near-ish future, but again I'm leaving that up to her as far as initiating goes. But I've actually been in an interesting place lately. I'm not exactly sure what I feel anymore. For the longest time I've desperately wanted her back. I've had recurring dreams about her almost nightly. I couldn't do anything or go anywhere that reminded me of her or things we had done/wanted to do together. I'm not sure what triggered it exactly, but now the dreams are more sporadic, and I'm able to do things without feeling so consumed with grief.

I went to dinner last night with a friend at a place that my ex and I always loved. And I didn't feel too sad. I saw pictures that my ex posted on Halloween (a holiday that we always enjoyed together) and again, I felt okay. And the most noticeable change is that I saw a picture that the person she is currently "casually dating" posted of the two of them together at an event. And my blood didn't boil. I'm not sure what to make of this... .I don't want to get too cocky just yet because if history is indicative of anything I'm sure that this healing process is not going to be linear. But I have felt a bit more content lately and that gives me hope. Now when I think about her, I love her still and miss her, but I don't necessarily have that same desperate desire to be back together. I think I know deep down that it wouldn't be best, at least not right now.

I don't know what accounts for this change in mentality. It might be the time that I'm spending with different people (friends) and the happiness that I've found in that freedom and in their support. I used to miss her so much even when I was with them. I still do sometimes, but I've also had this realization that the friendships that I've developed and the people I've met would not be sustainable if she were a focal point in my life again. Not unless things on her end have changed at all.

It may also be the mere fact that NC has gone to LC. For some reason knowing that I *could* talk to her, is less painful for me. Even if I don't engage in it, it feels like I have a little more control than I used to.
She is not actually in a relationship with this new person yet, & I really don't have any way of knowing if it's headed that way or if it's nothing more than hanging out and getting to know each other. My concern is that part of my contentment right now is dependent on her remaining single. I really don't know how I'd handle it if I saw her enter into a new relationship.

I'm rambling now, so to answer your question as best I can... .I'm not sure how I feel about her at present. I love her, but I also am aware that elements of sentimentality, nostalgia, and the whirlwind of emotions that have resulted from everything we've been through together are at play, and they are making things a bit confusing. It's almost hard to tell what is genuine when there are so many different factors. So I'm taking this time apart to look for clarity. She has not expressed any interest in getting back together with me anyways.

[JJacks0]

Okay well of course as soon as I posted that, I've started to lose that happy momentum... .it honestly might be because I started thinking too much. I took a small hiatus from this website (only a couple days, but felt like a lot compared to how often I checked it before)... .and that actually may have helped. This website has been a lifesaver for me, but at times I get a little too obsessive and start to think about her too much.

I also just came across some old pictures and felt a bit sad again. I guess really I'm just content when I'm distracted. Trying to forget what happened and almost trying to forget that she's around entirely... .when I just don't allow myself to think about it.

[JJacks0]

Update:

I messaged her about a week ago and she called me - we talked for about an hour and she even suggested meeting up on campus the following day. It didn't work out, but we continued to talk via text once in a while throughout this past week.

The day before the election, I thought about how I wished I could be watching the coverage with her. She's really into politics and I would have liked to have had that moment in history with her. So I asked her if she had plans for the following night... .told her I was thinking of going somewhere after voting to watch the coverage. She replied a while later and told me that she was going to watch it with her friend. Totally cool, except this is the same friend who I have a bit of resentment towards - one who encouraged her to do some nasty things to me and treat me rather badly months ago. There's a lot of bitterness associated with her for several reasons. I of course didn't let on that it effected me, but I was really sad the rest of the evening. I knew it was a long shot and that she probably wouldn't be spending that night with me, but it just set my mind into motion.

Anyway, we each did our own thing that night and we did still text a bit the following day (yesterday). I told her if she wanted she could stop in for a drink at the bar that I work at that evening. She said she would be staying at her dad's that night, but that she probably would stop in next week. I told her I'd like that, and that I missed her. I hesitated to say it, because I know it keeps me in that vulnerable place. But it's true, and not even necessarily something romantic. I say the same to friends I haven't seen in a while. She didn't respond at all. Still hasn't and I don't expect her to. I was curious to see how she would react and I got my answer.

I guess now I know that I really need to stay quiet again and just let her come to me if she's going to. I've already put myself out there twice now recently and been unmet. But this all just got me thinking and dwelling and it makes me so incredibly sad to think about the difference in her behavior toward me. She was always the first to be affectionate and tell me how she felt. In the past she would have loved to hear these things from me and to have me initiate. Breaks my heart. So I know I need to put up that shield a bit more now and try to get on the way I was before, while we were NC. It seems like there isn't any hope, it seems like she's really checked out and moved on from the way she's acting. But in my mind I just keep thinking that eventually we'll be back together. Maybe not soon, but some day. It's an unhealthy mindset I know, because it keeps me hoping for something that may never really happen and my heart may just break over and over. I just keep hoping that in time she'll come back around. I know the way she felt about me before and how strong our connection was. We have so much history together. It's so hard to imagine that she's actually done.

[Meili]

Hey JJacks, just checking in on you to see how you're doing.

Yano, there's nothing wrong with hope. Having hope is good. It keeps us focused and motivated. It's when that hope becomes an expectation that we feel heartbreak and pain.

I hope that someone will stop me on the street and give me a bag of cash. There's nothing wrong with that. But, if I expect it to happen and it doesn't, that's when I feel disappointed and sad.

So, hope all you want without expectation. Use that hope to keep you focused on being the best and most attractive you that you can be.

[JJacks0]

Thanks for the check-in, Meili.

I actually posted on the detaching board earlier that I've been having a rough day. I agree with everything you just said. It's just that fine line between hope and expectation (for me at least). I think I'm somewhere in the middle of hope and expectation. Logically I know it's entirely possible that she may never change her mind, but at this point I would definitely still feel heartbreak and pain. I have nightmares about seeing her in a relationship with someone else.

I have realized though that since NC has been broken I've felt a bit better and a bit worse in different ways. Worse in the sense that I'm constantly talking myself out of initiating contact with her, and worse in the sense that although we're speaking it's not the type of relationship I want from her. I think when I was NC I forced myself to think about her less since contact wasn't really even an option. I need to get back to working on myself, but right now I'm kind of back in my ruminating phase.