Please help. LDR blew up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I got back together with my ex after being apart for a year and a half separated. We met accident my again and decided to talk. After the break up he followed me online and messaged me every few months.  He's in his last year of uni and I graduated. We both live in different cities. We spent a week together before we started long distance. Both of us decided to take it 'slow'.

I actually had a lot of trouble with this because what is slow long distance. We would communicate maybe once a day with less than a handful of messages. I told him that I really needed more communication. He seemed the opposite of how he was before. Before he was constantly in contact asking where I was and what I was doing.

I planned to meet him 6 weeks after our initial meeting. There seems to be a pattern. After a few weeks (usually around 3) he starts becoming cold or starts a fight. This time he started an argument about the fact I wanted to talk more and he said it was unfair to him. He then told me he didn't want me to come. I insisted. When I arrived we had a good time. But I was asking him what he wanted for the future. He said he didn't know where he'd be. I said that it as pointless to have a ldr if there isn't a time for it to end. He said I should just tell him that I want to follow him. Throughout the time I was there he kept saying how surprised he was that he had so many feelings. I left on good terms with him saying he loved me and planning our next trip. On the way to the airport I asked if he felt like he wanted to break up. He said no, he would have told me.

3 weeks after leaving things went bad again. He said he wasn't sure if he if he loved me or just we were good friends, comfortable with eachother and sexually compatible. He said he was feeling really empty towards everyone. This was after I didn't answer his call the day before. A few days after he calls to break up with me. He said his feelings have changed and he wants to find himself. He also said that if he actually really cared he would have tried harder.

This is why we broke up in the first place. Whenever we have an argument in person , we work it out. When it's an ldr he always has a reason to break up. Sometimes he's worried about the future other times it's something else. But it's every few weeks. This has happened with his exes as well.

I feel crazy. Did I miss something? Can someone's feelings change in a week? Why? Why doesn't it happen in person?

[Kittycatforever]

I got back together with my ex after being apart for a year and a half separated. We met accident my again and decided to talk. After the break up he followed me online and messaged me every few months.  He's in his last year of uni and I graduated. We both live in different cities. We spent a week together before we started long distance. Both of us decided to take it 'slow'.

I actually had a lot of trouble with this because what is slow long distance. We would communicate maybe once a day with less than a handful of messages. I told him that I really needed more communication. He seemed the opposite of how he was before. Before he was constantly in contact asking where I was and what I was doing.

I planned to meet him 6 weeks after our initial meeting. There seems to be a pattern. After a few weeks (usually around 3) he starts becoming cold or starts a fight. This time he started an argument about the fact I wanted to talk more and he said it was unfair to him. He then told me he didn't want me to come. I insisted. When I arrived we had a good time. But I was asking him what he wanted for the future. He said he didn't know where he'd be. I said that it as pointless to have a ldr if there isn't a time for it to end. He said I should just tell him that I want to follow him. Throughout the time I was there he kept saying how surprised he was that he had so many feelings. I left on good terms with him saying he loved me and planning our next trip. On the way to the airport I asked if he felt like he wanted to break up. He said no, he would have told me.

3 weeks after leaving things went bad again. He said he wasn't sure if he if he loved me or just we were good friends, comfortable with eachother and sexually compatible. He said he was feeling really empty towards everyone. This was after I didn't answer his call the day before. A few days after he calls to break up with me. He said his feelings have changed and he wants to find himself. He also said that if he actually really cared he would have tried harder.

This is why we broke up in the first place. Whenever we have an argument in person , we work it out. When it's an ldr he always has a reason to break up. Sometimes he's worried about the future other times it's something else. But it's every few weeks. This has happened with his exes as well.

I feel crazy. Did I miss something? Can someone's feelings change in a week? Why? Why doesn't it happen in person?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Kittycatforever-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it's very hurtful and confusing, although not rare around here, we've all been there and we understand.

I feel crazy. Did I miss something? Can someone's feelings change in a week? Why? Why doesn't it happen in person?

Borderlines lack what's called object constancy, meaning when someone isn't with them physically they have trouble connecting the emotions they've felt for the person when they're with them when they're not.  Kind of an out of sight out of mind thing, but more out of sight out of heart, and it's not voluntary, a borderline just lacks the ability; my ex knew that about herself on some level, so she asked that I leave her a dirty t-shirt or whatever, and the smell and the physical object helped her connect, although it took effort.

And the other piece is fear of abandonment, the core of the disorder, and you not answering his call could have triggered that, regardless of the actual details of what happened.

So you mention you feel crazy, which is totally understandable, what else is going on for you?  Telling us can be cathartic, as you grieve the loss of the relationship, process the emotions and detach.