New here

[alsoworkingonit]

Hello all! This is my first post.

I am 33 year olds and have found myself in a state of unhappiness. My mother is a borderline/narcissist, alcoholic and prescription drug addict, and my father died when I was 7, so there was no buffer between her and me. My brother, a year younger, was even more damaged by her than I was. I avoid her as much as possible, only seeing her for the obligatory holidays (christmas, mother's day), when I listen to her spiel for the space of a meal, pay for it, and try to forget she exists for another few months. My brother and I have always been close, but he hasn't spoken to me in 5 months. The last time I spoke to him I told him his girlfriend's behaviors indicated she had narcissistic tendencies like our mother, and I haven't heard from him since. That hurt me and alienated me, and I've found myself digging deeper into books about this personality disorder and trying to figure out the ways it might be related to things in my life I am not pleased with (relatively few friends, afraid to date, financially impulsive, can't seem to stick to a diet, overall feelings of sadness and despair, getting overly stressed at work about dumb stuff, hating my body, never feeling good enough) and if there are ways I can try to work on myself and change my ways of thinking and behaving and start to turn some of these things around.

This week my grandmother went into a nursing home, and I know she doesn't have more than a few years left at best (she's 94 and has broken her hip 3 times). I am cleaning out her apartment myself without any help from my mother (her daughter), or my brother, of course. I am so deeply resentful because my grandmother molested me when I was young (between 8 and 10) and my mother denied it to herself and didn't protect me after I told her, and she won't do this inconvenient practical task because she never does inconvenient practical tasks period (I grew up in a filthy home, she never took us to the doctor or cooked a meal, etc.), so here I find myself with no family of my own making (no husband or kids), no family to speak of period, doing a favor for a monster who molested me in order to caretake another monster who abused me, and no one to talk to about it. I'm crying as I write this . . . I want very much to help myself and not waste my life, but am having difficulty knowing how to start.

So, thanks for reading. I know there are lots of people who can relate and figure this is the place to find them. I hope to learn something from you all and both give and receive support here.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome alsoworkingonit:   

I'm so sorry about all that you have been through.  You will find many sympathetic and listening ears here.  Acknowledging problems you need to work on is the first step in a better direction.  Have you ever tried therapy or had any meds for depression and/or anxiety?

Sometimes, people need a little help to get them out of a rut and improve their lives. What are you doing to take care of yourself and relax?  Do you exercise, have any hobbies or practice meditation and/or mindfulness?

You might find the following book helpful:
THE HAPPINESS TRAP (Based on ACT Therapy):
I bought the Kindle version for my Ipad. If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets:

https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

This last address will take you to a DBT Self-Help Website with ideas to "Improve the Moment".

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

I find myself with no family of my own making (no husband or kids), no family to speak of period, doing a favor for a monster who molested me in order to caretake another monster who abused me, and no one to talk to about it. I'm crying as I write this . . . I want very much to help myself and not waste my life, but am having difficulty knowing how to start.

You can change things one step at a time.  There is a lot of good information on this website.  A good place to start is by going to some of the links to the upper right of this post.  We can't change others, but we can control how we interact and react. 

Sometimes if you break things down into steps, it is easier to work on goals.  For example, if you want to work on losing weight and/or improving your diet and fitness, you might want to join a support group and get some buddy support.  There are several online options.  Two free ones are "3 Fat Chicks on a Diet" and "Weightlossbuddy".  There are some good exercise videos on YouTube. 

What can you do this week to make you feel better?  Coming to this website was a good start.

[Turkish]

Hello alsoworkingonit,

I'm glad you found us.  You will certainly find fellow-travelers here 

It sounds like you've indeed stepped up to do the inconvenient and practical task because no one else will.  What do you think would have happened had you bit stepped up? 

I can't imagine how triggering this must be to you given your grandmother's past abuse of you.  Enablers and deniers don't get how much further damaging it can be to shield the abuser,  even if passively.  Being aware of that must hurt a lot,  even if it was long ago.  I dealt with a denier just this past week (as a father,  not a victim). When will you be done with the apartment,  and what further obligations do you think you may take on beyond this last task? 

I'll give you credit for contacting your mother on the holidays you mention.  The last half of my childhood I also grew up in filth due to my mother's mental illnesses.  At least I have dumpster diving on my resume. 

That both your mother's and your grandmother's issues affect you to this day on an emotional level is understandable.  It's a good,  first step to reach out for support.  Regarding the sexual abuse,  it isn't something you have to deal with alone.  Some active members (and probably some lurkers) were also victims.  I encourage you to also reach out here:

rainn.org

I look forward to hearing more of your story and how best we can support you. 



Turkish