Time to Move on

[Willis002]

My Story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299758.0

I will be moving to the next thread but I would like to get your guys' thoughts. My ex and I have no chance of ever getting back together. I had her friend talk to her and here are the things she said:

Bad news is it seems like she's pretty set on not taking you back... good news is that "once the dust settles" as she put it, she's gonna talk to you and give you some closure on the whole deal.

She has a few reasons... It looks like a lot of which are related to maturity problems...

She told me she tried to end it a couple times in the past and then she just reached threshold and cracked.

"I am not changing my mind, just getting more and more scared of him.
He didn't treat me like a person. He treated me like an object; an obsession; and addiction. The fact that all this time has passed, and he still won't go away, is SCARY.
I don't want him, I don't want his concerns, I don't want his love. I want him to disappear from my life. To let me go so I can be happy and no longer feel suffocated by his behavior."

"The letters were such a huge mistake, I wrote the letters as last ditch effort to make things work, despite how many concerns I was having. Then B, N and A. My closest friends beside you. All told me what they thought of him, and confirmed my worst fears. I had been telling myself for weeks that he had all these behaviors I didn't like, but that I was being judgmental and rude. But when my friends told me, when my dad told me, and A told me... .that they all didn't like him... .I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to end it. The timing was bad, But it was clear it needed to be done. I could be with someone when all of the most important people in my life thought they were bad news. Ya know? He annoyed B, A thought he was scary, my parents thought he was an idiot. It was just not good all around."

Based on everything I know she is lying about 95% of the things she is saying. Her mom never liked me. Her friend B asked me if I had any single friends. Like she was asking because my ex and I were doing good together. A liked me and said she was happy that my ex found some good. Btw she avoided the question about the letters. The letter were basically telling me to not give up on her and talked about a future together. That last ditch effort stuff is nonsense.

Can you guys give me your perspective. I'm done with the relationship but I just want to see what you guys read into her comments.

[patientandclear]

Feelings=facts.  She DOES feel suffocated and scared and like she would be more comfortable if you would go away.

Those fears feel very real to her, even if they arise from experiences long before you, and have nothing to do with what you did.

That is in no way in tension with what she told you in the letters.  She told you her feelings would change.  She told you she would push you away.  She was very accurate and it has all unfolded as she said it would.

She also told you that sometimes she later changes her mind.  But clearly, steps taken by you to organize that will not avail you.

It is very much as she told you, and as she predicted.

I think you're getting into trouble by looking for a single answer about her "real" feelings.  But her feelings are all over the place and who is to say what is more real?

I'm sorry.  I know it's a super confusing and painful experience.

[Willis002]

I believe these are all of her feelings. The letters told me to wait for her and all of that. Now I feel she feels engulfed and is in fear of whatever is in her mind. I'm curious if people with BPD ever realize what they have really done. How she sabotaged a good relationship to nothing. She says she will contact me at some point. Idk if I want that. It's hard to tell if she's going to be someone that will just leave me alone, want me to take her back at some point or just not leave me alone. It's a very confusing time, but I'm ready to move. I'm just looking for clarity in my situation is all. I'm beginning to detach and feel free funny to say. I'm hurt by the comments she said but I know they're lies and it's the disorder talking.

[patientandclear]

I'm sorry Willis, I didn't mean to sound cold. Was just saying it's perhaps just exactly as she mapped out. Yes, the question is whether, if she DOES change her position, as she also forecast she might, you want to continue.

It's such a tough experience. I'm sorry.

[Willis002]

It's okay patientandclear! We're all here for each other and I feel close with this community now since we all share something in common. Idk if she will ever return to the woman I was dating but I'm not waiting around. I value myself way too much to be disrespect the way I was. If she ever needed me for example in an emergency I would be there or if she is thinking about doing bad to herself. He friend promised to let me know if something ever came up.

[CollateralDamage]

It's okay patientandclear! We're all here for each other and I feel close with this community now since we all share something in common. Idk if she will ever return to the woman I was dating but I'm not waiting around. I value myself way too much to be disrespect the way I was. If she ever needed me for example in an emergency I would be there or if she is thinking about doing bad to herself. He friend promised to let me know if something ever came up.

So I will lay it out based on my experience.  Mine would do two things (still does too):
-allow/force others make decisions for her (awareness in feeling = fact and had to defer)
-describe herself in what she was using to describe feelings about me (projection).

I find it help to ask yourself this question, do you really want to pursue a person that can't make up their own mind about their feelings and project all the time. A funny (not funny) saying is when you need to consult google to understand relationship behavior, it is time to move on.

She told you what she was and she is living up to that promise. It is hard... .so hard because we build up a life in our minds with this person.  During the highs, it is the best but during the lows it is the worst. So when she spirals out of control, we are left holding our sack of dreams and our future life.  Soul crushing indeed.  If she said she might return, she might but you need to take the time now to heal and prepare for the potential day.  Mine has come back more times than I can count, but like Rayban states... .there are always strings attached to the return. 

Personally, I think any rumination or analysis should be prevented so you don't get in an unhealthy spiral of death ... .overanalyzing her motives.  At the end of the day, you are dealing with someone that has a completely different reality and it will drive your logical mind mad to dig to find more questions than answers.  I have been there and it is hard to break out.  Try to see it from her shoes, she knows what is wrong with her but she is unable to prevent it. The closer you get the more she will push you away.  The more you try to leave, the higher the chance she will return due to abandonment issues.  If you seek her to come back, you have to take the hard road and move on and heal.

[Willis002]

I'm cutting the cord on any chance of being with her again. She hurt me even more with what she said to her friend that was directed at me. Her lies and words hurt so badly. Even though they are lies they still hurt because she was so sweet and amazing at one time. I loved her.

I just want more people's perspective on what she was saying. I don't want her to come back but a little closure wouldn't hurt. Even though this feels like a twisted way of getting closure. From everything I've brought to the table are odds more likely for her to try and recycle me at some? I believe in my heart I did nothing wrong in this situation besides a few things happen in relationships. I just want more insight into my situation from you guys

[Kelli Cornett]

I know it really hurts right now, but trying to get clarity from the discard in a BPD relationship is like trying to get a clear reflection from distorted fun house mirrors.

So much of what comes from pwBPD is skewed and seemingly crazy to non's, and trying to make logical sense out of it leads to just more frustration and confusion from the non partner.

Just take care of yourself, and do what you need to heal and move on.

[Willis002]

I'm wondering just so I can protect myself and be prepared. Should I be concerned about her popping back up into my life at some point? Do people with this disorder at some point realize the damage and mistake they make. Do they feel bad for the way they treated us?

I feel like she will at some point from my perspective. Are relationship was good. Didn't have issue. I'm everything she's ever want and I'm successful. I have future for myself and have my life in order. When she was sane she said I treated her like a queen.

I'm just thinking that if she comes back to her baseline she will realize her mistakes.

[tryingsome]

her popping back up into my life at some point? Do people with this disorder at some point realize the damage and mistake they make. Do they feel bad for the way they treated us?

When she was sane she said I treated her like a queen.

I'm just thinking that if she comes back to her baseline she will realize her mistakes.

To answer the first part. Yes, yes, yes.
But it is your job to fix it (after the yes, yes, yes).
Are you prepared for that?

Second part?  treated her like a queen... .think about that! Long and hard. What does that mean what ahe thought your part was (hers is queen... .)

If she really comes down to baseline, she will realize she can't be with you because of her BPD. Think long and hard. The damage has been done. You will have to fix the current state. She will not fix things at baseline, but will be receptive to you fixing the relationship.

[FallBack!Monster]

From what I read, I think pwBPD don't make mistakes. They just do spontaneous ideas. Somebody on here also said if they seek you after they have moved on is not good for you at all. One thing I know, if my ex was coming back for me it would have been 4 months ago. He is ashamed idk why and long gone. I think he already decided he Gon charge this failed r/s to the game. But if he think he can trick me again, oh he would try. But I know I long left his heart and that's okay with me now. He don't have to say to me thru any channel he loves me  his actions is what I hear; like I learnt here. So the answer is, probly no and if yes, what good is that for you?

[Willis002]

At this current moment I feel free and feel like I'm getting stronger. So you guys are saying that more than likely she will try to interject herself back into my life in some form.

What do mean what my part was? Explain please?

I feel like I was the total pack for her. Not being vein or anything but I was everything she ever wanted. She told me I was too good for her. I gave her stability in her life. I was too good of a person for her I guess.

[SoMadSoSad]

You werent perfect in the relationship bow were you?

[Willis002]

No of course not. Not trying to imply that whatsoever. All I'm saying is are relationship was going fine unless she would question our relationship. There we're a few things she wanted me to fix and I fixed them. I literally tried to be the best boyfriend I could be. I seriously made corrections to thing she suggested. I did these corrections knowing I needed to make them. It wasn't just because she asked me to. Our relationship was good then she blew it up because I read a letter she gave me that told me she has BPD. She said, "I didn't think you would read that". She freaked out and then I talked to her a few hours later. Everything seemed fine. She said she loved me and we talked about doing stuff together the next week. 5 hours later she sends me the break up message. Something I noticed is that she switched her settlings for texting. I now showed me when she read my texts and she didn't have that enabled EVER. I think she want me to see she was ignoring my texts. I couldn't say anything to get her to respond.

I'm going strict NC. We'll see if she tries to interject herself into my life at some point in the future. I'm not looking forward to it, but I just want to be prepared. I want to be strong and be able to stand up for myself and whats right. I didn't deserve this treatment. Breaking up for no reason and leaving without saying a word is the worst thing you can do to a person. It's been 5 weeks now and I'm finally feeling a little bit like myself again.

[SoMadSoSad]

Which stage of detachment do you think you are at? See the right side of this page.

[Willis002]

I would say Self-Inquiry. I have lose the feelings of wanting her back. I'm more over hurt by the words she used and how much of it was just her lying to save face. I'm also hurt because she gave me those letters. Highlights from the letters. These were from when she tried breaking up with me for no reason (monday) and broke up with me on sunday. She wrote them during those two time periods. She had envelopes that said open when... .I'm making things worse for example... .Here's some highlights:

I'm making things worse: please wait for me to comeback to you.

We are talking about breaking up: It's a mistake. We're meant for each other.

You don't trust me: I know I make a lot of mistakes but let me tell you a little secret okay... .I'll always come back to you alone.

You feel like I'm slipping away: It may not seem like much with how far I tend to stray. But you are my atlas. However far i wander you make paper of valleys and mountains and oceans keeping hundreds of miles in the breadth of both your hands. I see HOME written big and bold in the marks you made for me. You always bring me back where I belong.

You're scared: 1. I'm never giving up

You're mad at me: Please! Forgive Me! You're my heart, my strength, my love. Don't give up on me! or is!

We're talking about breaking up: it's a mistake! We're meant for each other!

[Willis002]

Can she ever at some point remember me for who I actually am or am I going to be this character in her head for the rest of her life? I don't wan her back. I just want actually closure. Idk if I'll get it. It still hurts that she was so caring and loving and now is the opposite. She told her friend she would contact me at some point to give me closure. I can trust this? Right now she is a full of lies.

[Willis002]

Our dreams we both talked about I believe are dead

[Willis002]

Leaving the boards. Believe I need to stop giving her any power. I don't want to give any energy toward her. I have beliefs in energy. Less I put toward her the less she receives from me. She can feel nothing from me now. I'm getting off her grid.

Good Luck Everyone!

[heartandwhole]

Can she ever at some point remember me for who I actually am or am I going to be this character in her head for the rest of her life? I don't wan her back. I just want actually closure. Idk if I'll get it. It still hurts that she was so caring and loving and now is the opposite. She told her friend she would contact me at some point to give me closure. I can trust this? Right now she is a full of lies.

Hi Willis,

Closure is probably something you will have to give yourself, I'm afraid. It hurts and it's not fair. I'm sorry you are going through it.  It really can be so confusing.

I wouldn't wait for her to come round. Take the reins yourself and you will come out of this stranger and wiser. I understand you wanting to leave the boards and not giving anymore of your energy to her.

But please remember that these boards are also for YOU. There are so many tools and wisdom from members that you can use to help YOU move forward. It doesn't have to revolve around your ex.; you can begin to separate her stuff from yours. In the beginning, that is hard, but with time and effort, you realize that this has always been about you and there is actually a gift that can come out of this hellish experience. 

heartandwhole