Is it even possible to have a healthy relationship with BPD mom?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I know there is no clear cut answer but any tips for manging a relationship with my borderline mother?

I am 32 years old and all of my years growing up were filled with a lot of pain, rejection, callous behaviour and uncertainty (walking on eggshells) due to my mother. My parents divorced when I was six and my mom bad mouthed and alienated us from our dad until I became old enough and wise enough to understand she was wrong. She would often tell us we sounded happier talking to our dad on the phone then give us the silent treatment in the coldest way possible. I was 8 and that form of rejection at a young age was terrifying and oh so painful for me. Holidays were ruined because of her unsteady emotions. She often would make up all sorts of stories in her head and then rage at us as if they were true followed by smothering us with lots of "I love you SO MUCH!... .what would I do without you?" We were criticized endlessly for not looking just right, wearing the wrong outfit, using the wrong word in a sentence... .you name it! I could go now for hours but you get the general idea.

Anyhow, up until having children I was able to not rock the boat so to speak. I hate admitting that I was a doormat but I basically answered to my moms every whim in order to prevent all the hostility I had endured as a child. Since having kids that has all changed. I've had to say no way more often and have found my moms behaviour absolutely smothering. She showed up and STAYED for my first birth, and after telling her to stay away from my second she showed up at the door anyway while I was in transition! She wants to visit frequently and if she goes a week or two without seeing our kids guilt trips me on the phone and tries to make me feel like garbage for not seeing them.

Frankly, I have no idea how to have a semi healthy relationship with my mother. I find it too stressful seeing her frequently yet find when I don't am met with more hostility and guilt. She also wants the kids over for sleepovers and this makes me SO uncomfortable. For now I've used the excuse that they're too young but what will I do as they get older? Any suggestions? And apologies if this post is all over the place!

[Chantsy]

I know there is no clear cut answer but any tips for manging a relationship with my borderline mother?

I am 32 years old and all of my years growing up were filled with a lot of pain, rejection, callous behaviour and uncertainty (walking on eggshells) due to my mother. My parents divorced when I was six and my mom bad mouthed and alienated us from our dad until I became old enough and wise enough to understand she was wrong. She would often tell us we sounded happier talking to our dad on the phone then give us the silent treatment in the coldest way possible. I was 8 and that form of rejection at a young age was terrifying and oh so painful for me. Holidays were ruined because of her unsteady emotions. She often would make up all sorts of stories in her head and then rage at us as if they were true followed by smothering us with lots of "I love you SO MUCH!... .what would I do without you?" We were criticized endlessly for not looking just right, wearing the wrong outfit, using the wrong word in a sentence... .you name it! I could go now for hours but you get the general idea.

Anyhow, up until having children I was able to not rock the boat so to speak. I hate admitting that I was a doormat but I basically answered to my moms every whim in order to prevent all the hostility I had endured as a child. Since having kids that has all changed. I've had to say no way more often and have found my moms behaviour absolutely smothering. She showed up and STAYED for my first birth, and after telling her to stay away from my second she showed up at the door anyway while I was in transition! She wants to visit frequently and if she goes a week or two without seeing our kids guilt trips me on the phone and tries to make me feel like garbage for not seeing them.

Frankly, I have no idea how to have a semi healthy relationship with my mother. I find it too stressful seeing her frequently yet find when I don't am met with more hostility and guilt. She also wants the kids over for sleepovers and this makes me SO uncomfortable. For now I've used the excuse that they're too young but what will I do as they get older? Any suggestions? And apologies if this post is all over the place!

[isilme]

You can only control your side of the relationship, so as long as your mom has BPD, there will always be the unhealthy input.  I'm not trying to be a downer, just realistic.

They are your kids.  Guilt should never be a reason to give in to an unhealthy environment for them.  I had to go NC with my mother simply because she could not/would not respect my decisions to be an autonomous person, separate from her, and it escalated, it got bad, and was hurting not just me, but H and spilled over into his family.  That was unacceptable to me.

Your mother seems to want to "absorb" her grandkids int her net of push/pull emotional supply.  If it stresses you to see her too often, then don't.  Set a boundary for how often you can stand, and stay with it.  If you are stressed, your kids will feel it, too.  It's okay to set a boundary - no sleep overs, but you can visit on the whatever day of the month.  No arguments, no guilt.  You're their mom, you get to decide if a sleepover at 5 or 15 is too young. 

The only way for you to have a healthy relationship is pretty much to decide how much your mom's attempts to manipulate you through Fear, Guilt, and Obligation (FOG) will affect you.  If she can rant, rave, and make accusations, but you allow them to slide off you and realize you are not responsible for her feelings, you cannot change her, make her happy, only she can own that, you might be better able to face seeing her. 

I can't handle it when I am in contact - I was isolated with my BPD mom and made her caretaker, an only child, and had also a BPD dad.  So life was being pulled between them in shifting alliances of 2 versus 1, and it was always my fault when one was upset.  So I need NC, and you know what, that's okay.  LC is also okay.  You don't need to interact with anyone who treats you poorly - DNA donations don't make you a doormat.  You are not obligated to put up with a BPD relative anymore than an abusive lover.  No one bats an eye when you go NC with an abusive lover, but toss in a title that corresponds to blood-relation and everyone acts like it's different.  It's not.  Abuse is abuse, and you don't need to subject yourself or your kids to it. 

[Chantsy]

Thank you so much for this. Your words really helped.

Yes, my mom is emotionally emeshed with me and my siblings so I assume readily that she sees her grandkids as an extension of herself or at the very least use them for her own emotional supply. It's like if she sees them in what she terms "enough" then all is well and she's happy. But go without seeing us for a couple weeks and she totally details. In fact, perhaps this is good timing in light of posting here, but my stepdad just called and said they will not be attending my little boys or my birthday next month because of jealousy issues with my step mother. My parents have been divorced for 27 years and she still can't stand being in the same room as my stepmother due to extreme insecurities and irrational thinking. He's suggesting I do something separate every time we have birthdays and I really don't know how to handle this. Two years ago she ignored me on my birthday and sent me a nasty email instead because I had invited her to my sons party with my stepmom and father. I hate dealing with her crap and hate that, at 33 years of age, I'm still dealing with it. NC is not an option for me but I have tried to go LC as much as possible. Really not sure how to handle this situation. My stepdad is an enabler and, be he has to live with her, makes her first priority (which he has already confessed).

[Chantsy]

*derailed... .not details

[HoneyB33]

Exactly what isilme said, you can only control your side of the relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to destroy it.

What do you want? I think that is a good place to start. Given the cards you are dealt, what is that you want? Because when it came to that question with my own mother, I had to realize that what I wanted was ultimately a mother. But that was the whole point, everything I was working for was for that natural and RIGHT desire, but the fact was, she would never be anything but literally the opposite. So when I really really looked at what I wanted, it was to be done with this relationship. I tried to reach out to my mom to see if there was any way to make this more so of a balanced relationship--there wasn't. So I went NC with her. I might add for the effect, HOW hard this choice was--she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. A VERY hard time to make that choice.

But ultimately what I thought of was my children (the future ones, since I don't have any yet.) I know that I need to be healthy to have kids. That I want to never further the abuse that's been in my life, on to them.

And so here is the bitter truth, you won't teach your kids abuse in the way that your mother taught you abuse, but you very well could teach them to be the same doormat that you know you are being. I see in all the words that you are saying, that you are trying so hard to protect your kids from this, so allow yourself a break, and DO what you are trying to do.

Ask yourself what you want. Because it sounds like this woman has very much bulldozed you your whole life. And what you want is to get out from under that. You want to make sure your kids are protected. You want to follow your gut that says it's NOT good to leave them with her. Follow what you want, because what you want is leading you toward what is good and healthy. Your forced, and might I add, FALSE guilt (which is from your abuser) it causing you to think you're doing what's wrong for getting away from her. Ain't that confusing? Listen to YOURSELF not her. Listen to what you want, not what your head keeps lying to you about.

Either way, you need boundaries. You need to probably get some support (therapeutic) so that you can find strength in saying NO to her.

The way that I looked at this for myself was--it's either her or my children. It's either this abusive, mean, demeaning woman of my past, or my children's health, well-being, and future. And that helped me make the right choice for MYself.

I hope this is a help, I think you are very much on the right path and realizing the truth of this situation. That hard part is taking that very hard step of believing in yourself and saying, "NO MORE".

Best to you!

[isilme]

They have no right to demand you accommodate them with separate events.  Either they can be adults and show up, or they won't.  This is them trying to control and punish you by making you feel guilty if thy "can't" attend your or a child's birthday because they don't like other people who may come. 

NC is not an option anyone enters lightly, and I ask myself each holiday if I need to continue it.  My mom found me on Facebook, and I had  a panic attack.  Imagine that - a panic attack at the idea of the most distant form of communication possible.  Because I know how she CAN make me feel, and I know that I myself am not strong enough to withstand the waves of her demands crashing against me.  It may start as a little stream, but I've been there, re-establishing contact a few times, and it always becomes a torrent.  Somehow, being NC makes mom stop stealing my identity, stops the calls for her creditors, and means I'm not in an uncomfortable conversation of FOG each night/week. 

I got married this past May, after a very long time with H - we were finally able to do it, and found a way that worked for us.  I mourned the mom I wish I had but did not, and the fact the 'mother' in my history is not someone I'd even want at my wedding. All my friends (save one whose mother passed) had very active moms in their wedding planning.  And I had none.  In fact, as the 'black sheep" of my family who is trying to thwart the history of bad decisions based on PDs, no one in my family even made comment on us getting married until we got home, and that was just some "Likes" online.  H had said one reason he didn't want a church wedding with guests (we eloped on a beach as a "wedding-moon" was that he did not want me crying because I had no family present.  We also did not want a big hoopla, he has horrible anxiety, and a week on a tropical island with a wedding included was the same /cheaper than trying to host something locally.  But we did not want to worry my dad would drop in the make me upset, or my mom, and they sure as hell were not to be invited. 

I don't have kids - I'm scared to have them as I feel my past of neglect and abuse make me unfit to be a mother.  I think my instincts are off, like I'd expect too much from or smother a kid.  But those who DO have kids - you can't let them be hurt (as much as you can prevent) by PD grandparents.  They are te next generation.  They can learn healthy ways to communicate and even healthy ways to argue with family.  They can learn that guilt is not a proper way to influence people, and that they are children and not responsible for an adult's feelings or circumstances.  And you can tell them that grandma just can't make it to your party, sorry, but step-grandma made it, so let's have fun today, etc.

[Chantsy]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

Ultimately, I think ideally, given my circumstances, I would want a low contact relationship with my mother. I think I have achieved that at certain points but it often seems to revert to her finding ways to show up or visit more than I would like. I am the first to admit that I have a disease to please (probably due to my childhood) and often have a hard time saying no. I am getting better at this and managed to go three weeks without seeing her AND refusing to go out to her house so I am improving but it is something I really need to work at. And yes, although I was in therapy for quite some time I could definitely benefit from some more. The strategies seemed easy to relay during my session but I would often get flustered or forget what to say once I was in the moment.

I think most of us mourn the mom we wish we had. So often I think, "If only she didn't do x,y, and z she'd be a great mom!" But that's not my reality and never will be. Now that I have a newborn baby girl there are parts of me that are terrified of the mother daughter relationship but I will do the best job I can and under no exception inflict the trauma my mom inflicted on me. That I am sure of.