Suppose

[AlltimeLoFi]

I just got out of a ten month relationship with who I thought was the love of my life. The beginning was quite obviously a rescue phase, I helped her out of a really dark place with substance abuse and an eating disorder. We planned on moving in, and I noticed the distancing started. Of course, feeling rejected I pulled harder. I constantly chased her and sometimes, out of nowhere she would apologize and profess her love for me all over and how sorry she was.

I relapsed after a year and a half clean and she took it personally; threw away my jewelry and the gifts I had given her and I said some really mean things to her to the point where she cut me out completely for a month.

I'm currently trying to get back into meditation, becoming healthy through therapy and exercise. I'm successful, for a 27 year old drop out, but she refuses to see me.

I'm giving it space finally after pleading for a month, but I feel so deeply sad. I know her past and what she's been through and I know that she's going to struggle her whole life with this. I want to be there for her, as her rock, as her friend, as somebody who can at least be there for her when the world falls apart as it seems to every so often. She's doing well with her treatment, 9 months sober.

I'm trying to get healthy to heal and let go, but hopefully to be able to be her supporter once more and her friend. She's acting out with Sex Cam modeling and dating promiscuously; after reading about BPD I understand it and I don't hate her, I cry because I so badly want her to be okay. I love her, I'm just not sure how I love her.

I'm sorry to seem pathetic, I appreciate the support...

[C.Stein]

I know how difficult it is for you right now.  When I got thrown away the pain and despair was like nothing I have ever experienced, and hope to never experience again. 

The shock to your system coming out of a relationship like this is not to be ignored.  It is like nothing you have probably experienced and it will be one of the toughest, and potentially rewarding, journeys you will take.  These relationships expose parts of ourselves we may have never seen and the opportunity for positive growth is substantial.  Granted that may be hard for you to see right now.

I want to be there for her, as her rock, as her friend, as somebody who can at least be there for her when the world falls apart as it seems to every so often.

You cannot be there for her, for anyone, until you can be there for yourself.  She has to learn to stand on her own, to be there for herself and to get the help she needs on her own.  Until she does this she will almost certainly not change.

Have you had a chance to check out any of the resources available here?

Couple places I recommend to start are:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[AlltimeLoFi]

I haven't gone through everything here yet thank you for the links; I have been researching it though and obviously noticing patterns in myself that made me susceptible to heartbreak; I became controlling rather than compassionate and understanding. I'm in the black now, I'm this pathetic a--hole that never really cared about her, which couldn't be further from the truth but I'm realizing it's her truth. I started therapy, meditation, exercising, crying, eating healthy. I need to heal for me, not for us. You're so right. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Buffie]

Their lives become a drug to us, which makes it hard to let go.  She's punishing you with the sex cam site, and you're allowing her to do it.  It's hard, but you have to step far away from their life and not watch what's going on, because it's really really painful... .and it only prolongs the healing.  Stay strong and fill the voids they create with things that are healing to you.  There's an amazing group here for you.  Post often and don't ever think of yourself as pathetic... .may of us have been there.

Buff

[AlltimeLoFi]

Yeah I figured it was a punishment; same with the rebound a couple of weeks later. She's been doing a lot to punish me, but I've broken contact now for almost a week and have no intentions of trying to contact her for the time being. I also stopped checking her Facebook and all of that. That's how I know it's a game, we originally went no contact and then all of her stuff went to private on fb; now we're still not friends but she's made everything public. She also deleted everybody we had in common, or something like 60 mutual friends.

I relapsed after being extremely hard on her to stay clean and take her therapy seriously; I became controlling because I would get calls at 2 am saying she was going to go back to using or sleeping in her car. I understand now she has issues and that was her way of drawing me in; she's also very high functioning, but I was her first healthy relationship not based on sex, so I've been told that scared her too. She's working on herself, I'm working on myself, I'm open to the universe and whatever it brings me but I do believe we are supposed to be together. I have her name tattooed on my arm because it's part of a phrase from a poem I liked when I was younger; I got the tattoo before I ever even met her. i think had it been out of the blue, i would've been more hurt or more able to move on but because we tried with therapy and had a great relationship overall I'm dragging my feet. You can't lose what's meant to be and so that's how I feel with this and everything.

I bought a gym membership; I'm a one to two pack  a day smoker. Time for a change. Thank you for your kindness...