Letter to my Ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been six weeks since my ex broke up with me, and right after the breakup I went NC. I did it after I wrote her a message in which I apologized for my part. She never answered or said anything, never reached out.
So we are NC now.

These past few days have been really dark, gloomy and lonely though. I think about my ex and I feel sick to my stomach. I miss her terribly. I desperately feel like writing her a letter. The thing is, I have no words. I truly have no words, I feel devastated. And apart from that:
1. If she answers, I get hurt
2. If she doesn't answer, I get hurt

Part of me wants her back. No, all of me wants her back. But all of me can't deal with the pain I went through during the relationship.
And still, I have nightmares about my ex and I miss her more every single day. I thought that I would feel better after six weeks, but it hurts. It all just hurts so bad.
I can't stand the idea of never being able to be with her again. 

Please tell me to not write the letter. I end up getting hurt if I do.

[TheRose]

It has been six weeks since my ex broke up with me, and right after the breakup I went NC. I did it after I wrote her a message in which I apologized for my part. She never answered or said anything, never reached out.
So we are NC now.

These past few days have been really dark, gloomy and lonely though. I think about my ex and I feel sick to my stomach. I miss her terribly. I desperately feel like writing her a letter. The thing is, I have no words. I truly have no words, I feel devastated. And apart from that:
1. If she answers, I get hurt
2. If she doesn't answer, I get hurt

Part of me wants her back. No, all of me wants her back. But all of me can't deal with the pain I went through during the relationship.
And still, I have nightmares about my ex and I miss her more every single day. I thought that I would feel better after six weeks, but it hurts. It all just hurts so bad.
I can't stand the idea of never being able to be with her again. 

Please tell me to not write the letter. I end up getting hurt if I do.

[heartandwhole]

Hi TheRose,

I'm sorry you are hurting right now.    I know how powerful the missing can be, and your feelings are so understandable. I hope you are being gentle with yourself. If you can, imagine a very tender, childlike part of you that is calling out for comfort from a wiser, mature part of you. How would you comfort that vulnerable part?

You know, you could write that letter and let out all your feelings—and not send it. You could perform a kind of ritual of letting go and burn it, or store it in a place to remind yourself of why you want to move forward. If you feel comfortable sharing some or all of it, you could post the letter here, too.

Six weeks feels like a lifetime when we're hurting that much. If you can hold on, keep feeling your feelings and understand that she is not the key to your wholeness or happiness, things really will get better. I promise. There are times when we have to white-knuckle it, and reaching out for support is the best thing you can do, so well done.

Are you seeing a therapist?

heartandwhole

[steelwork]

You know, you could write that letter and let out all your feelings—and not send it. You could perform a kind of ritual of letting go and burn it, or store it in a place to remind yourself of why you want to move forward. If you feel comfortable sharing some or all of it, you could post the letter here, too.

Seconding all of this. I wrote so . many . letters . in the first six months or so and sent none of them, though sometimes I wrote them intending to send them and then just decided to sit on them for a few days first, and inevitably I ended up not sending them. The interesting thing is how the letters changed over time. I tried to make them as honest as possible, and yet they were all different. Some were pleading, some angry, some philosophical, some were washed in the light of empathy and some were armored with defiance. Eventually, I stopped imagining a response and started thinking of these letters a my way of getting it out of my system. The more I wrote, the less I was inclined to send them, because I realized there would never be a last final word. The Letter will keep changing.

Also, you'll be okay, I promise. Six weeks is an eternity, and yet it's early days.

[CitizenBell]

I sent a letter, wishing her the best. Showed it to my friend who cried because it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever read.

Ex accused me of harassment.

Don't do it.

There are websites where you can post letters to your ex online. I don't know if I'm allowed to link but that's what I ended up doing. So it's 'out there' and other people can read it but not your ex.

[Pretty Woman]

I truly feel for you, honestly I do.
Been there.  I am close to two years out of a very volatile relationship. She dumped me more times than I have fingers to count on. In the end she left me for someone new and never spoke to me again, when weeks earlier she was telling me I was the love of her life.

Two years later and I still obsess over this. Normal people don't treat others like this, and it looks like to know that. It also looks like you are very aware you will be hurt whether you reach out or not.

There are many times I felt lonely and wanted to reach out, however I know once they split they are very dangerous. I was smeared as an abuser and threatened with an RO (after one break up). I work with her sister, I won't jeopardize my job, my life.

When it comes down to it, I am an empath. I feel for people and I know she is sick but you know what friend... .she will survive and so will your ex. They are not worth losing everything for.

They didn't care about losing us, tossing us aside like trash.

It takes time to build yourself up after one of these relationships. I am now in a very healthy partnership with someone who is the complete opposite of my ex. We will likely be engaged before the holidays. Going through this is traumatizing. We suffered trauma. It takes time but you WILL come out of it. Take a deep breath and stick to your guns. You are on the right track!

[TheRose]

Yes, I am definitely seeing a T.
You are all right, thank you so much for replying. I am going to write the letter and not send it. Never send it.

I think what hurts most now is the fact that right after she broke up with me I thought that maybe she still cared and I didnt think she would move on. Now I don't know anything about her, nor what she is doing or who she is seeing, but it hits me everytime I think of it, that she broke up and left, without looking back. I can't believe it, after everything we shared. I just realized this week that it is over.

It has to get better than this. Because love wise, it can't get worse.

[Curiously1]

It has to get better than this. Because love wise, it can't get worse.

I am sorry you are still in a lot of pain.

Your last sentence here reminded me of the quote 'once you've hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go and that's up.'

Both of those remind me that even if it is so so painful, if you make a choice of making your life better, trying to feel better and know what you deserve, that will only lead to having much better than what you're currently experiencing now.

It can't get any worse as long as you continue to push through and remember you will be ok without her and that you do not need her validation or a response to have closure and be ok again.

I was also a compulsive letter writer or text sender and similar to steelwork, I find that letters do change significantly on how you are feeling at the time you wrote them and there are times I wish I did not send them just because how I was feeling.

When I re-read them a day or so later, my feelings definitely changed and no longer felt that need to send them. I remembered why we could not be together and why she is not the right person who can be there for me and understand and love me best no matter how much I wished she could be that certain way for me.

I see it as more of my child self desperately reaching out and wanting to be taken cared for and have someone apart from me be responsible for me feeling better.

During this break up particularly, I have not reached out at all and that made me feel whole lot better than when I sent them.

Continue to take your time to think through things the best that you can. I know you miss her so much, even if she hurt you. When your emotions are running high try to keep yourself calm and not act on them. We act as a way of immediately feeling better but we have to continue looking at the bigger picture and be really patient with ourselves for the long-term and so that we can heal.

I would rather be the one feeling and going through the natural process of grieving and dettaching than nothing at all or as nothing mattered or any other ways a pwBPD typically copes and that makes me feel a lot better about how I am dealing with things and that all is good. Remind yourself that you are only feeling a lot of pain because of how much you cared and how much you wanted a lot better for yourself which you knew you ex could not give back to you.

As cold as my ex was to me last, she said that I can survive without her. I think about those words she used 'survive' and 'without her' mostly when I feel as though I need her back in my life again badly. Truth is, all I really wanted was to be loved in the way that I deserved to be and it was hard for me to accept any less than that. I use that as a way of reminding myself that I am strong and resilient with or without her. So are you. I was never ever wrong about what I wanted for myself and it is easier to see that clearly now without her painting my wants and needs as wrong or unimportant and only be focused mostly on all of what is good for her 24/7. Remember the days you were also happy and felt good about yourself without her in the picture. Stay strong. 

[TheSinister]

Don't ever send it
If writing helps you process  stuff then write it to yourself but don't send it, like you said it yourself it's a loose loose situation and nothing good will come out of it
Definitely not closure but only more unanswered questions

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TheRose, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  One could say that you are experiencing normal withdrawal symptoms.  A BPD r/s is similar to an addiction: we know its bad for us but still want to do it.  Time to put the focus back on YOU.  What can you do to treat yourself well and take better care of yourself?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Sure, writing the letter might help, but suggest you decline to send.

LuckyJim

[TheRose]

Thanks. Yes, it does feel like I hit rock bottom. And the letter, if she answers, will definitely raise more questions. Honestly I feel like she is not even able to explain why she did what she did or why she said the things she said.
Emotionally, relationships like these are so complicated that I cannot figure out where it even went wrong. The very things she said were perfect in the beginning, turned out to be the things she hated and despised in the end. Everything is so confusing.

I do work out daily, I eat healthy and I take care of myself. I go out, I do it all. But everything reminds me of her. It's okay though, and it's true, I would rather cry and feel the pain then not feel anything at all.

[oceanyc]

Perhaps write the letter without the intent to send it. Getting your thoughts out on something tangible and reading it to yourself can be cathartic.