I Hate Him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am sitting here crying my eyes out, because right on schedule (holidays) he is messing with me again with lawyers... .He wants to do a mediation. I cannot afford a mediation. I cannot afford to pay lawyers any more.  I am about to have to give in to his wishes in order to not have to pay out any more... .I am feeling so defeated. I hate him for doing this to me! I really hope karma kicks in for him... .I don't feel sorry for him in the least! For all I know he has moved away and has a better job than he had before. I am depressed, defeated and poor, it stinks.

[Herodias]

I am sitting here crying my eyes out, because right on schedule (holidays) he is messing with me again with lawyers... .He wants to do a mediation. I cannot afford a mediation. I cannot afford to pay lawyers any more.  I am about to have to give in to his wishes in order to not have to pay out any more... .I am feeling so defeated. I hate him for doing this to me! I really hope karma kicks in for him... .I don't feel sorry for him in the least! For all I know he has moved away and has a better job than he had before. I am depressed, defeated and poor, it stinks.

[stimpy]

I am so sorry to hear that you are being put through more hurdles and sorry you are going through this. I don't think we have something called mediation in my country, but from what you've posted it sounds like a legal tool that can be used to cause more trouble between couples, but I don't know.

I wish you well.

[Herodias]

Thanks Stimpy, sorry,  I just had a big emotional meltdown a little while ago. I realize that I will not be able to move on until all of these court cases we have had are over. I am going to have to back down and take whatever happens to be done with him. It just stinks because all I ever did was help my ex and spent thousands of dollars doing so. He is just trying to put me in a hole and it's working. I just wonder what I have done to deserve all of this in my life? I feel so down and defeated. I am trying to tell myself that pwBPD stir things up when they are unhappy so maybe that's the case. I just wish he would take it out somewhere else... .

[stimpy]

You're welcome Herodias.

Yes, it does stink. It is such a horrible disorder, it's like everything is upside down and back to front.

It sounds like he is in effect bullying you, is that how it feels? Certainly after mine dumped me, and I was painted black, oh boy did I see a different side to her. What mine did was to internet stalk me, find out where I'd be at social things, turn up, ignore me and flirt with other guys in front of me. Hmmm nice. The benefit was that I could see what she was doing and in the end I called her out on it and stopped reacting. But she was horrible to me.

Why?

Well my take on it is three fold. First she found out I wasn't perfect (sorry about that!) and so felt she was entitled to punish me for it. Second, because I refused to be re-cycled, I had annoyed her, and so she felt entitled to punish me, and thirdly, she told me she hated her mother and I think transferred (a psychological term) that hate onto me.

Did I deserve any of that. No. just like you don't deserve what is happening now. But still, it has to be dealt with, and then you can move on and leave this person behind.

You will recover and move on. The disordered person has this disorder for life.

But in the mean time, this drama has to be dealt with a put away, and put behind you.

From reading one or two of your recent posts you seem to have a great handle on the disorder and from that you'll be able to use this knowledge into the future. A silver lining, but one that may seem some distance away, but it is there waiting for you in the future.

I am 18 months out from the discard, but only 4 months of proper no contact when she finally stopped stalking me. And yes you are right, until No contact can be a reality, there will still be bad days and triggers and difficult days. I had many when I was being stalked. But now she has disappeared, day by day I can feel my old self return, and my confidence return and my fears and anxiety slowly subside.

Hang in there.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I am trying to tell myself that pwBPD stir things up when they are unhappy so maybe that's the case.

The longer that you're in mediation proceedings the longer that he gets attention, it keeps the emotional attachment alive. A pwBPD don't grieve a r/s like a non disordered person and are still attached.

I'm not a lawyer, I can't offer you legal advice, I refused mediation for that reason, because I knew that it would not work with my ex wife because it won't solve problems and it's like stimpy said, it keeps the drama going. I chose to go right to court and turned down mediation because i didn't want to potentially waste months in mediation with little to no headway.  That being said, everyone's situation is their own and every pwBPD is a different person, with different personality traits. You know him better than anyone on the boards though.

[Herodias]

Thanks guys... .that's just the thing, my lawyer told me that it's the law that we go to mediation before we could go to court. I told her I didn't want to waste any money or time on a mediation. I am shocked you HAVE to use a mediator. I feel defeated for this reason. You are right Stimpy, I am out about as long as you... .and mine may be punishing me too. I think because they don't have boundaries and don't worry about paying for things, maybe he is just playing with the lawyers as well... .I don't really know. I just don't see how if he is really broke like he says he is, how he can afford to keep suing me. He lied about having a 401k and stock money that he took out of his company when he quit his job. He didn't want to split them with me. He was paying me alimony, but has forced me to use it up on lawsuits... .I don't have any extra money to spare. I am trying to take care of two elderly parents, myself and run my business with a bad back. I am working more than I am supposed to. I just feel sorry for myself right now... .I just want all of this to stop. I have way too much on my plate as it is. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be done with him, just to prepare me to take care of my parents. My Mom has dementia... .I have a rough road ahead of me I know. Life can be so unkind... .I wouldn't have been able to take care of him and them. Now I am crying again... .: (

[JerryRG]

I'm sorry you're going through this Herodias

I don't have any advice other than I understand how you feel, I sometimes, often times hate my exgf.

These people are hurt, somewhat like trying to confront a wounded animal, I believe they feel justified at doing anything they want and hurt people. Just my take.

Still no excuse for the choices they make, my exgf blocked her brother just today, he's facing back surgery and he's hurting badly, instead of putting her self pity and selfishness aside, she lashes out at someone in serious pain, as if she's jealous of his injury and the little attention he receives because people with real hearts feel bad for him.

No morals, no decency, no conscience

They will reap what they sow. The clock is ticking but they never wake up.

[Herodias]

Thanks Jerry, you are right... , they can't take someone else getting attention for any reason. That's  why I wouldn't dare let him know how badly my parents are doing... it wouldn't even phase him. I know they have their own struggles, but it seems that they  bring them on themselves and we only do for having them in our life. We must be being tested for our wings, we empathetic types seem to be tested for strength more than others.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I'm sorry that you're going through this

I just feel sorry for myself right now... .

I think that you're going through a lot and I completely understand how overwhelming it can feel. Talking about it helps, you're not going through this alone. Maybe focus on one thing at a time? What do you do for self care?

[stimpy]

my exgf blocked her brother just today, he's facing back surgery and he's hurting badly, instead of putting her self pity and selfishness aside, she lashes out at someone in serious pain, as if she's jealous of his injury and the little attention he receives because people with real hearts feel bad for him.

No morals, no decency, no conscience

I am trying to take care of two elderly parents, myself and run my business with a bad back. I am working more than I am supposed to. I just feel sorry for myself right now... .I just want all of this to stop.

As Jerry said, no morals, no decency, no conscience.They choose their moments don't they! I can totally relate Herodias. It's like when you're down and need them to behave responsibly and with compassion, that is when they compound the pain you are in. In my case, I met her after only a couple of months in a new city, having moved a hundred miles, and where I didn't know a soul. I am self employed and so have no regular income, and the day before she dumped me I had twisted my ankle and couldn't walk or drive.

So I am at home, have been dumped, can't leave the house, and my friends are 100 miles away, I still hadn't built my network of contacts to complete a contract I had just won and had no regular income coming in. How did I survive and get things done. Even now I'm not quite sure. A friend came down the day after I got dumped and spent the day with me and that helped enormously. Then bit by bit, I slowly got back into living again. That was a really tough time. Looking back, the suddenness of the discard and the brutality of it - straight to the silent treatment and the situation I was in - how can someone do that to a fellow human being and one who loves them and said it many times. It is beyond believable.

So I really do empathise with your situation Herodias.

Many tears were shed.

But slowly things got better, and I found out about BPD/NPD and essentially I worked her out, and with that I got my own closure on the discard (it finally made sense) and the process of detaching and moving on began. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting closer and I'm sure you will too Herodias. One of the other things I did was to write down my feelings and thoughts, ideas and plans, to get them out of me and onto some paper. Then the next day I'd read them, both the feelings and the thoughts and that gave me an insight into what had happened to me (to pull me away from the confusion) and what I wanted for the future (so I could start planning and pulling ideas together). Maybe that would help you too Herodias, to write things down so that you can build a narrative of what's happened to you, and then where you want to be? Just a thought 

[Herodias]

Thanks Mutt for your sympathy... .I wish I could choose not to do mediation. It's the law in our state to have to try and do it first. I suppose the courts are so backed up they want people to try and work things out first. What are you supposed to do when you can't afford it? Ridiculous.
Stimpy,
   I actually started writing book, but when I got to page 16, i realized how crazy it all sounded. It made me see how messed up I was... .I am not sure I want to continue it. I have a spiral notebook that I journaled when we first split with lists and lists of all the awful things he did to me. 10 years worth! I talked to my lawyer today(actually cried)... .I am going to wait and see what she will do. I told her I give up. He wins... .I am waiting to see how she handles it. Oddly, I noticed his lawyer (who is handling his gf's divorce) filed an amendment to the gf's pending divorce the same time he filed to take me to court. I swear, the two of them are swindling both her husband and me. I wonder if she is trying to get some of her horses now that she has moved "home".  They probably want to take my alimony and pay for her horses... .I don't know. I shouldn't wonder, but I can't help it. They are both horrible, horrible people. They are easy to figure out. Both liars and cheaters... .They deserve each other and I hope they get what they dish out. She is always talking about karma... .wait til she gets it back!
    Yes, I do know plenty about the disorder. I don't care any more... .they know right from wrong. They are selfish and I know I am better off. I just feel washed up right now. I swear I wish I could collaborate with her husband, but I reached out to him in the beginning of the split and I am sure I sounded like a crazy person. I told him about my ex... .he didn't respond. My ex probably wants to buy guns and knives with my money... .how someone like him is allowed to have them I do not understand. I am rambling now I know... .I spent all night crying and barely slept. I hate that I still let him get to me like this... .tomorrow I am going on a road trip with my sister. I need to forget about this all for the weekend. It's like he has some mental telepathy knowing when I am going to try and have fun and he puts a wedge in it. It is like the first time I went on a cruise after I met him, he broke up with me in a cruel way... .people thought I was going to jump! I found out that he was jealous when I got back. He told me so... .I know for sure he doesn't know about this trip because I haven't mentioned it until now and just here... .it's just creepy. I am going to bed early and I am going to forget all about this for the weekend. Thank you all... .That stinks how yours treated you as well. We know it's them and not us, but I struggle with how I let it go on so long. Wasting my life thinking this was the love of my life and I needed to be there for him no matter what. Awful.