Deciding path to take with BPD mother -- help

[doglover13]

About a year ago I started therapy to begin dealing with the pain, low self-esteem, and unhealthy relationship I have suffered with my BPD mother. I've read other posts and realized that I don't need to describe my childhood to you, as you all have appeared to live the same.

I always knew my mother was *off*, but it wasn't until I sat down with a therapist, talked about my childhood, how she's treated me, etc., and began to read about the condition that I realized she is in fact BPD and possibly NPD, as well.

I was always the doormat. My other siblings either didn't get the brunt of her anger or wouldn't let her walk on them, so she's chosen to continue kicking me. I've dealt with it my whole life, and what caused me to realize it was ENOUGH was when my son was born. One, I realized I had so much love for this little boy that I would NEVER EVER treat him the way I was treated, not as a child or an adult, and two, I didn't want to set a bad example for him as me being a doormat/allowing her rage to be let out around him.

My question, and where I really need help with, is this -- when is enough really enough?

My dad couldn't take it any longer and left a few years ago (talk about a terrible time to have a BPD mother, going through a divorce has been an absolute nightmare). At times I have felt bad for her, being all alone, but she pushes everyone out of her life by the way she treats them. Myself and my siblings have tried to help, tried to get her into help, but she will not. At this point, I need to focus on self survival and the health of my family unit (myself, husband and son)... .I am done, but I know if I tell her that she'll just rage even more.

In all honesty, I'm scared of her. Scared she'll show up at my door unannounced, show up to my son's events without telling me she'll be there, etc. and have a fit (as you all know, an audience doesn't stop the rage). I have gone above and beyond to be there for her, make sure she was included in all holidays, my dad hasn't even attended family gatherings as to not upset her, and I'm tired of trying to walk on eggshells and she's still not happy.

HELP! What did you all do to survive with a BPD mother/figure in your life? I feel the stress and anxiety eating at me, and I see myself not being as present with my son while it's eating my thoughts and feelings.

If you've been through this and have tips, I really would be grateful. Thank you!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Doglover13:   
I'm so sorry about the difficulties with your mother.  It is understandable that you need to put your well being, and that of your family, first.

My question, and where I really need help with, is this -- when is enough really enough?

It can be a very personal decision.  Some people go limited contact (LC), others go no contact (NC).  Sometimes people change back and forth.  Just because you decide to go NC, doesn't mean that you can't change it at a later time.

[/quote=doglover13]HELP! What did you all do to survive with a BPD mother/figure in your life? I feel the stress and anxiety eating at me, and I see myself not being as present with my son while it's eating my thoughts and feelings. [/quote]

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH 

Setting boundaries can be very important.  It may not be easy, but consistency can pay off.  Learning the various communication skills can pay off as well.  If you are still in therapy, it can be a good opportunity to tackle a skill at a time and discussing with your therapist.  These skills can be helpful to use in normal relationships and in the workplace.

There are a lot of supportive people her.  It can be a good place to ask questions and discuss using some of the skills and communication techniques. 

PS:  With ":)oglover" as part of your ID, I'm thinking you have a dog?  They can be a wonderful source of comfort and stress relief.  What type of dog do you have?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Doglover13! 

Let me join Naughty Nibbler in extending a warm welcome to you here at our online family. You'll find this to be a unique place where so many others already "get it," as you noted in your first post. We really do.

For myself, this site has been a refuge in the storm, whether it is a current raging storm with the pwBPD in our life, or if it is the storm raging within me, fighting hard the effects, projections, and influences of growing up with an uBPDm. It can be so very tough! Yet this journey to healing and learning to deal with it all, it is a pathway that will teach you so much about yourself and the resilience you truly do possess.

I always knew my mother was *off*, but it wasn't until I sat down with a therapist, talked about my childhood, how she's treated me, etc., and began to read about the condition that I realized she is in fact BPD and possibly NPD, as well.

You are already well on your way! How great that you are in T, and that your T is aware of BPD. How did you feel when you discovered this truth? Was it gradual or sudden? I too also knew something wasn't right about my mom, but was never able to pinpoint what it was until a pathophysiology class in which I read the chapter about psychology and personality disorders. That tiny paragraph about BPD has been life changing for me.

My dad couldn't take it any longer and left a few years ago (talk about a terrible time to have a BPD mother, going through a divorce has been an absolute nightmare)... .At this point, I need to focus on self survival and the health of my family unit (myself, husband and son)... .

When my uBPDm divorced my dad, it was as you said, "a terrible time" and so painful. Does she try to split you black and white, or pull you over to her side and alienate you from your dad? I felt so torn between the two of them. Mom insisted on loyalty to her alone, but I loved them both. It's a terrible thing to go through as a child of a pwBPD. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this!   

It is really important to take care of yourself as you mentioned. Seems as if it is so easy for the BPD to demand, non-stop, day in and day out, still aiming to be the center of attention. You never get to be yourself. So time now for you, and to focus on you, your DH, and your dear little son. Keep working at the healing, and as you can, quiet the internal pull of your mom upon you (which I completely understand and still fight) and release the guilt of not giving her all the attention. Naughty Nibbler gave you some great links that can aid this process. Guilt can be so very strong and magnetic. Talk with your T about plans for how to establish the healthy contact you want. "You are an adult now, no longer that little girl without power or options available," as my T frequently reminds me. I know it isn't easy, but baby steps grow into bigger steps, one at a time. Sometimes that first little step to boundary setting is the hardest but also the largest.

You do have an amazing source of resilience within you just to have survived thus far. We are here to cheer you on! Please keep sharing your story with us.

 
Wools