Broke up with BPD ex, next week assaulted and 3 bones in face broken

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was with my ex for a little over a year; it followed the classic pattern of intense emotional bonding, followed by seduction, followed by withdrawal, followed by personal attacks, cruelty, manipulation etc.

Finally, I saw enough of the person behind the mask to realize they didn't care for me at all in the way I cared for them and began to see the fabric of the lies, infidelities, and petty cruelties they had played out on me.

The week following I met a 'friend' I had come to know through her for drinks about 3 blocks from her house.  While there, this dude gave me a shot with (probably) G in it.  Of course, being wasted and 3 blocks from my exes place I texted her and arranged to come over with this guy.  I go to pay the bill, and he's ghosted.  I stumble out of the bar, head over.

On the way I was surrounded in the only secluded spot in a 10 block radius by 6+ people and struck from behind left by something (poss my own bike lock, poss a baseball bat), knocked out and 3 bones in my face broken.

I don't know how long I was out or what was done to me while I was (but given the ex's intense interest in sexual sadism, I'm honestly deeply afraid of what might have happened).  When I manage to make it to her place, she cleans my wounds and puts me into her bed (despite being a front line social worker(!) and knowing that I needed a hospital.

There followed a period of 'seeing each other' where it was like it used to be but better, except I came to realize that every step of the way she was subltly ___ing with my mind and playing out some really messed up sexual psychodrama. 

Eventually I clued in that what had (probably) happened is I was ambushed by her lover(s?) and maybe her, and broke things off.

Now here's the thing- we work in the same field, in the same small community- I've cut all contact, but should I expect her to continue to sabotage me? Should I be worried about further assaults?  How many of my colleagues and friends has she turned against me?

I've honestly considered leaving town and starting over as I've been struggling with PTSD from the combination of the assault and realizing the depth of her lies, infidelities and manipulations.  I'm emotionally shattered but determined to heal and determined to have my revenge by living well- I just don't want to spend any more time whistling in the dark and maybe walk into something more lethal next time.

If I don't engage, leave her totally alone, will she let this go, or will she pursue some kind of vendetta to 'avenge' herself on me?

Help!

[DazedandConfus3d]

I was with my ex for a little over a year; it followed the classic pattern of intense emotional bonding, followed by seduction, followed by withdrawal, followed by personal attacks, cruelty, manipulation etc.

Finally, I saw enough of the person behind the mask to realize they didn't care for me at all in the way I cared for them and began to see the fabric of the lies, infidelities, and petty cruelties they had played out on me.

The week following I met a 'friend' I had come to know through her for drinks about 3 blocks from her house.  While there, this dude gave me a shot with (probably) G in it.  Of course, being wasted and 3 blocks from my exes place I texted her and arranged to come over with this guy.  I go to pay the bill, and he's ghosted.  I stumble out of the bar, head over.

On the way I was surrounded in the only secluded spot in a 10 block radius by 6+ people and struck from behind left by something (poss my own bike lock, poss a baseball bat), knocked out and 3 bones in my face broken.

I don't know how long I was out or what was done to me while I was (but given the ex's intense interest in sexual sadism, I'm honestly deeply afraid of what might have happened).  When I manage to make it to her place, she cleans my wounds and puts me into her bed (despite being a front line social worker(!) and knowing that I needed a hospital.

There followed a period of 'seeing each other' where it was like it used to be but better, except I came to realize that every step of the way she was subltly ___ing with my mind and playing out some really messed up sexual psychodrama. 

Eventually I clued in that what had (probably) happened is I was ambushed by her lover(s?) and maybe her, and broke things off.

Now here's the thing- we work in the same field, in the same small community- I've cut all contact, but should I expect her to continue to sabotage me? Should I be worried about further assaults?  How many of my colleagues and friends has she turned against me?

I've honestly considered leaving town and starting over as I've been struggling with PTSD from the combination of the assault and realizing the depth of her lies, infidelities and manipulations.  I'm emotionally shattered but determined to heal and determined to have my revenge by living well- I just don't want to spend any more time whistling in the dark and maybe walk into something more lethal next time.

If I don't engage, leave her totally alone, will she let this go, or will she pursue some kind of vendetta to 'avenge' herself on me?

Help!

[Skip]

I'm so sorry.

I think the first place to start on this is to ask how you connected a bartender drugging you in a bar, a friend ghosting you, six people mugging you on the street, and your gf (who you had broken up with) not helping you adequately in your recovery, to all be working together on this.

Breaking bones in someones face or administering date rape drugs are felony level crimes - not something friends typically do to support someone with a broken heart.

What happened here?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Well, have since figured out she was hiding a cocaine habit from me, and this guy was high.  Add that to jealousy and it gets explosive. 

People high on coke don't think about consequences in the same way, even when they don't have BPD.

I know all of this sounds crazy but this attack was not a random one- I wasn't robbed, the vibe was all wrong- it began and ended with a hit to the face with no warning.  People out to beat people up for funzies make a game of it and then don't stop with one hit, even one that was inches from being lethal, and they will DEFINITELY rob you when they're done.

There are other things that all point in this direction.

Lesson here is- BPD + cocaine + jealous lovers = seriously watch your butt.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I guess what I'm still working on is this- she MUST have known what happened to me and still made decisions that could have cost me my life.

I'm having a hard time reconciling how to understand this event and what it means about how she looks at the world. 

I know that in her phone after the breakup and assault, my name was changed to 'not yet' - which I'm at a loss to understand- not yet as in not yet let me go, or not yet as in not yet ready for the next step of escalation beyond a potentially lethal assault?

We've since spoken on the phone and I told her that I need at least 3 months of no contact (fully intending it to be NEVER, but didn't want to go explicit with that) - so now that that's out there, I'm not sure if that means she'll just move on or if she'll escalate to try to provoke some kind of thing from me.

Any insight into that would be deeply appreciated.

[fromheeltoheal]

Pretty heavy Dazed, I'm sorry that happened, and welcome BTW.  Do those types of things regularly happen among the folks you hang out with, or does this seem to be centered around her only?

Of course everyone's different, but sexual sadism is not specifically a trait of borderline personality disorder, and borderlines are typically more impulsive than malicious, so we could explain a borderline's focus on attachments and all of that, and what other traits of the disorder do you notice in her and what led you to this site?  Again, I'm sorry that happened, and good move on stopping communicating with her.  Take care of you!

[DazedandConfus3d]

I don't know about other borderlines, but she def. enjoys causing pain.  

I don't know about malicious, but extreme impulsivity + stimulant high + borderline rage at being dumped could very well equal some really scary stuff when combined with her taste for dominance and pain.

A couple examples- she once told me a story about a scene in a movie she saw where this guy was forcing a woman to fellate him while holding a gun in her face and surrounded by other guys- she told me she wanted to BE that guy (when we met she self IDed as a genderqueer lesbian- so I was pretty shocked when she made a pass at me after a couple months of platonic friendship).

Another time we were watching 'Stranger Things' and there was this scene where she thought this kid was about to be dismembered by the monster and she giggled in EXACTLY the same way she does when she's really turned on- this was one of the things that eventually led to me breaking up with her, as I'm a deeply empathetic buddhist who abhors cruelty or violence for reasons other than self defence and I began to be more than a little repulsed by her responses to stuff like this.

As to whether things like this regularly happen in our circle- not really, but I don't really know her friends and I'm increasingly beginning to understand I don't really know much about what she got up to when I wasn't around.  I think I was there to provide some stability and groundedness from the crazy stuff she was up to, which was one of the many reasons she hid this from me.

All this adds up to some very scary questions for me- what actually happened to me that night? Was it just about one hit as either a warning by her new lover to stay away, was it one hit to pay me back for dumping her and then saying something that I knew would make her jealous? Or was it something darker? My memory is totally screwed up and fragmentary from that night, and I know for a fact that once I was down she could knock me unconcious repeatedly without leaving a mark or hitting me again.

I guess everyone leaving a relationship with a pwBPD has unanswered questions and doubts about what really happened, but this one especially haunts me.  Mostly I wish I knew if this is something she just instigated by talking smack to her new guy or if this was something she planned as revenge. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, a lot of what you describe, the violence and the drugs, is criminal behavior, and of course there's the police: did you report it?  And as mentioned, getting off on other people's pain is not a trait of the disorder especially, so what traits of the disorder have you witnessed with her, and what brings you to this site?  You mention she followed a "classic pattern"; were you aware of BPD when you were in the relationship?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Well here's the thing- we work in a particular part of the social services field that is both very drug-positive and very anti-police.

For myself, I trust police less than I trust just about anyone, and I have no evidence around the assault that isn't circumstantial, and am aware that if I report this, they will eventually question her and she will spin them a better lie than my truth.

Further, if I were to go to police, there would def. be repercussions in my work/activist community which would undermine both my abiity to work with the community and my standing among my peers.  I know it's hard for a lot of folks in the 'straight' world to wrap their heads around, but the cops are just not an option here absent being able to hand them 100% ironclad proof.

As to the BPD thing, it was one of the first things she revealed to me about herself.  I have a lifelong history of complex childhood trauma and depression and we bonded around that (or so I thought).

I've seen the splitting, the gaslighting, the manipulation and changing of stories, the way she talks about exs is very much in line with the classic BPD profile.  In our relationship, a crisis with her health would always break out when my attention was going to be focused elsewhere.  She had no interest in meeting or getting to know my friends and actively sought ways to keep me enmeshed in just us- unless she wanted to go out and do other things.

She presented to me as a victim of violence against women and sexual assault, so I let her take the lead out of a desire to make her feel safe and valued- which is exactly what she wanted b/c it let her run roughshod all over me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok, that fleshes the story out better, and yes, the attempts at isolating you, the poor-me stance with the exes and the idealization followed by devaluation, common components of a relationship with a borderline.

You mention you were with her for about a year, you have issues from your childhood as well, and you're now broken up.  What is the goal moving forward?

[JSF13]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. One night both my sister and I were "drugged" in a club. My ex is the only connection between the bartender and those drinks. I was found hanging over a wall and my sister left with a friend and collapsed while out with him.

[Turkish]

What is your situation now,  are you safe, or have a safety plan? 

[DazedandConfus3d]

Ok, that fleshes the story out better, and yes, the attempts at isolating you, the poor-me stance with the exes and the idealization followed by devaluation, common components of a relationship with a borderline.

You mention you were with her for about a year, you have issues from your childhood as well, and you're now broken up.  What is the goal moving forward?

No contact and move on with all the things that were important to me that I neglected while I was with her- friends, work, activism, learning to play guitar :P

And pray to every god and spirit there is that whoever took my place keeps her too occupied to mess with me.

[gotbushels]

Hi DazedandConfus3d 

I'm glad to see that you're looking at things that are important to you.

There are a lot of things that you describe about her that are disturbing to me. Some of it reminds me of my ex, particularly some of the things about violence and pain.

I think it's important that you've decided to plan to be safe going forward from that event. It's interesting how you describe the people in your area of work's attitude toward laws and representatives of the law. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying as legal advice or what you should think about with authorities. What might help is to see that your area of work does not necessarily define who you are. From there you may be able to make decisions that work better for you and what you care about.

I'm not in social work as an occupation, but I do think it's possible to have some choice of the people you associate with; both on the service side and the receiving side.

I think when the person presents themselves as a victim, this isn't strange behaviour for a pwBPD. I understand how she was disrespectful toward you, as a result of this presenting, as you describe.

That is a difficult struggle. I hope you have peace.

[DazedandConfus3d]

What is your situation now,  are you safe, or have a safety plan? 

I've had a no contact convo with the ex, tried to leave it on as much of a positive note as possible- it still blows my mind at how in a 1 hour convo where I'd spent the last week assembling all the pieces that pointed at her involvement she managed to hit EVERY 'feels button' I had and I hung up the phone feeling more in love with her than ever- she talked about wanting to be friends after, and I laid a '3 months min of no contact' boundary with no intention of ever talking to her again.  Took me till the next day to get my head wrapped back around all the stuff she'd done and reinstate my internal acceptance that this is not a person capable of really living up to the emotional promises they make, and dangerously unpredictable as well.

I make sure that I'm around friends when I go out and I don't party too hard in public any more, thinking about changing my locks.

A little concerned as far as my willpower goes b/c the odds of us bumping into each other at a workshop or an interagency meeting are fairly high, my plan is to not to initiate conversation, engage in only the min. of polite conversation needed to excuse myself if she talks to me so as not to appear to be pulling the silent treatment, but I know once she turns on the elfin blue eyed sparkle (she looks like a pixie that went goth) my heart is gonna be torn up and I'm def not 100% that she won't be able to get her hooks in enough to mess with my detachment, even if all we do is talk for a few seconds. If we didn't work in the same field, I'd never see her again, as it is I'm kind of hoping that she gets a job in another sector of social services as she's not really ideologically committed to anti-poverty and social justice causes the way I am.

Any advice on how to handle dealing with a BPD ex in a professional setting would be very much appreciated.

[flourdust]

Further, if I were to go to police, there would def. be repercussions in my work/activist community which would undermine both my abiity to work with the community and my standing among my peers.  I know it's hard for a lot of folks in the 'straight' world to wrap their heads around, but the cops are just not an option here absent being able to hand them 100% ironclad proof.

It's common for people who are in abusive relationships to project how they think others will react to them, usually blaming, shaming, or shunning. Those who have had the courage to reach out for support have found that other people are usually empathetic and supportive and may even have their own related experiences to share.

Consider this thought experiment: if a friend in your community was being beat up by her boyfriend and went to the police for help, would you be upset with her?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Further, if I were to go to police, there would def. be repercussions in my work/activist community which would undermine both my abiity to work with the community and my standing among my peers.  I know it's hard for a lot of folks in the 'straight' world to wrap their heads around, but the cops are just not an option here absent being able to hand them 100% ironclad proof.

It's common for people who are in abusive relationships to project how they think others will react to them, usually blaming, shaming, or shunning. Those who have had the courage to reach out for support have found that other people are usually empathetic and supportive and may even have their own related experiences to share.

Consider this thought experiment: if a friend in your community was being beat up by her boyfriend and went to the police for help, would you be upset with her?

Hmmm, we have a bit of a culture disconnect here.  As someone who both works with street involved drug users and who comes from the community, I realize its hard for people who live more 'normal' lives to wrap their heads around how brutal, violent, criminal, and corrupt police are towards people who they label as 'not good citizens'

You see the police as protectors of order, my experince of them is as the mailed fist of the state enforcing unjust laws selectively against marginalized sectors of society.  Both our perspectives contain some truth and some bias, but I assure you my own experience is based on first hand personal and professional knowledge- in the program I work in a common sentiment is 'there's basically no problem you can't make worse by calling the police.'

If I had ironclad, uncircumstantial proof of what happened, I'd lay a charge, but as it stands this is a he said/she said situation where the second I report, they're going to question her and she's going to spin them some kind of story that may bring the cops back at me.  I never once laid a violent hand on her or treated her with anything but love, but to a cop I'm gonna be a 42 year old dude with a public record of anti-police corruption and brutality activism and she's a 120 pound 28 year old woman- I could easily end up on a charge because she must have already considered that I'd go to the cops on this.

I guess where I've come out is I feel like I understand what happened and why, I feel like I have a framework to avoid triggering anything more crazy and at the end of the day I was lucky to walk away with my life.  Part of me wants to see those that almost took it punished but that's also kind of hanging on to the past.  I've dodged my own coffin more times than I can count anymore, I'm gonna take this one as a lesson in being less trusting of people who haven't earned that trust, more critical of words and more attentive to actions and move on stronger and wiser.

[flourdust]

 Hmmm, we have a bit of a culture disconnect here.  As someone who both works with street involved drug users and who comes from the community, I realize its hard for people who live more 'normal' lives to wrap their heads around how brutal, violent, criminal, and corrupt police are towards people who they label as 'not good citizens'

You see the police as protectors of order, my experince of them is as the mailed fist of the state enforcing unjust laws selectively against marginalized sectors of society.  Both our perspectives contain some truth and some bias, but I assure you my own experience is based on first hand personal and professional knowledge- in the program I work in a common sentiment is 'there's basically no problem you can't make worse by calling the police.
[/quote]

You're making some assumptions about me that may not be true.

I just want you to be clear about this -- if you're concerned about going to the police because you think your own history with them will lead to them being less than helpful, then that is a reasonable concern. If you don't want to go to the police because you think that the people you work with will judge you for it, then that is projection. You've given both reasons now, in separate posts.

[DazedandConfus3d]

 Hmm you make some strong points.  Food for thought.  Thanks.

I guess right now my thinking is that I'm alive and to the best of my knowledge out of real danger.  To look at criminal charges would be to re-engage in some level in the relationship, and to tempt further escalations by a person whose limits are both unknown and potentially really damaging to everything I value in my life.

My pride stings because I got ambushed without ever even seeing the face of my assailant or given a chance to fight back, but I don't see seeking revenge by proxy through the police as healthy or representative of my values.  I don't believe that any real 'justice' would come from a legal complaint, and would def bring unwanted attention to drama in my life I'm not trying to put behind me.  I'm not excusing my ex or whoever did this to me, I still hold anger in my heart about it, but I don't feel I have any solid plan to address those in a way that would be constructive so I'm electing to move on.  

[jasmine-1234]

Wow thank you for sharing. This sounds so incredibly painful physically and emotionally!

I'm by no means judging you about the drugs/alcohol, as I and my exBPD partner were using a lot our entire relationship.  But I also realized I wasn't able to see clearly or make good decisions when drunk or high.  Since breaking up I really started to look at especially my alcohol use.  

It also doesn't help for depression... .I found myself in a horrible downward spiral after he moved out, I drank/did drugs heavily the week after we split.  I was in such despair.  You might want to think about it. I wound up at AA which really helped me.  It is very hard to do by yourself, at least I couldn't.  And I've found a lot of community support at AA, they have so many meetings and so many of the people there have difficult situations and I've found better support there than my "normal" friends.  

Of course it is all up to you, just sharing my experience.  I know it seems you want to numb the pain with alcohol etc ( I did) but the problems will still be there and some situations might get worse.

Sending support and hugs!

[DazedandConfus3d]

  Thanks for your post Jasmine!

First, let me say that my view on drugs/booze is value-neutral- for many they can be fun, for some they can trainwreck our lives.  And for many SOME drugs (including booze) will trainwreck us, and others we can use without problematic behaviours.

All that being said, I struggle with using substances to escape from my traumas.  In the aftermath of all this, I was very successful at minimizing use of booze to around 1/week a few drinks with friends and staying away from everything else including pot - which for me is pretty unprecedented.  I do/did realize that getting better from all this would not be helped by indulging.

AA really isn't for me, but I do have a group of very committed friends who understand substance use struggles and I've been seeking their support a lot.

Thanks again for your post and I wish you the best.

[jasmine-1234]

That is great you were able to cut back on your own. I wasn't able to do that! haha. And good that you have supportive friends.  I know AA isn't for everyone.  The other thing I appreciate about it is that I think the people in AA have more capacity to listening to 'dramatic' stories.  I find it difficult to talk to some of my friends about this BPD drama relationship stuff. 

How are you healing? I hope your face is ok

[DazedandConfus3d]

Thanks for asking Jasmine

Face is pretty good.  There was a bad spot after the swelling went down and I had total nerve paralysis on 80% the side of my face that I was hit- freaked me the hell out.  That healed up well, right now working on putting the weight I lost from not being able to eat without pain and the loss of appetite from some post traumatic stuff. 

On the other hand, I'm alive- 2 inches more left and that bike lock would have hit my temple and that would have been all she wrote.  That thought has been REALLY helpful to me every time I'm tempted to unblock her number or contact her.