I think my wife may have a personality disorder - sorting my way through this

[BrokenHusband]

My wife changed dramatically after our fifth child (6 years ago now).  She is an intelligent, beautiful and talented woman;  though her character was an important reason why I married her. 

The most notable change was that she became very critical of some of the children (those that did not agree with her on everything) and of me.  She would not see a specialist and said she was fine.  While she began to suddenly keep her medical dealings private, I did learn that she had a very low TSH and was diagnosed with Grave's Disease (hyperactive thyroid).  I have always admired her for her diligence in being healthy, however this played out in that she refused to follow the conventional treatment for GD (radioactive iodine, surgery or strong medicine with side effects) and pursued advice she found on web sites . . .  diet, supplements, etc.  Her TSH has apparently eventually returned to within normal range, however she continues to be very different.  She is exhibiting almost all of the signs of BPD.  Over a year ago, my now 21-year old suggested I look at BPD for understanding Mom better, as did another committed husband dealing with a difficult wife. 

Needless to say, life is very difficult for our two sons, three daughters and myself.  My wife is obviously not happy either.

I have come across descriptions of the BPD condition that are not as consistent as I'd like.  I am reading the eggshell book now.  The material on "Shrink4men" has been extremely close to what my wife has. I find the more official medical descriptions of the condition as not very useful - they can either apply to too may people or are just not clear.  I have also read critics of the diagnosis who suggest that the real issue is emotional injury and that should be the focus; a BPD diagnosis does not help.  I do wonder about what is actually common at an underlying level for these people - is there something biological? is there something with hormones, or emotions?  the brain?  I come to conclusions very carefully and so while I see a lot in common with what I am reading about BPD and my wife, I want to proceed cautiously with what I accept as being true here as applies to her. 

Prior to the last 6 years, there were things she did that made we wonder if she was not the person who I thought she was.  I am still processing that.  She did say often - way back before we were married 21+ years ago - that her father was always angry.  He is someone who has an anger like I have never seen before.  It is puzzling that she has not been close with him until we had problems in recent years.  Another item on family history is that she has a brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and then bipolar disorder, but the family denies the diagnoses and say the doctors had it wrong. 

At first I thought the problem in our marriage was me and was following up on everything she was saying. Deep down I never felt her criticisms were proportionate to the offense. But if it was me, then at least I had something I could work on;  at least I could do something . . . went to marriage conferences (alone), read books, sought the council of wise married men.  While there were some things I could improve on, there was nothing major. There was not very much that I could do that would seem to please her. 

I take marriage very seriously - I believe that two become one until death and so am committed to her - to the point that I will give my life for her without hesitation.  I truly and deeply love her, despite her not showing love or respect back.  I grew up in a family of seven with our youngest sister having Down Syndrome - so was fortunate to grow up with exceptional unconditional love being lived out everyday. Though I must admit, that I find the mental and emotional stress of living with my wife incomparably more difficult that with my sister.  My sister could give great hugs. 

I am quite aware that most men would have thrown in the towel years ago, but I still have hope for my wife, for our marriage and for our children and family.

In advance, I am grateful for any useful advice. 


-a broken, but still loving, husband

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[Sgtmack]

 

I think my wife mirrors yours in many ways. We have only two children from five pregnancies. After the miscarriages and being running for our lives during hurricane Isaac, our house took on eight feet of water in minutes. My wife was diagnosed with PTSD and Inter Cranial Hypertension (fluid pressure on the brain) after five surgeries I thought all was well. Then came the same type of changes you describe. Her condition and actions have ran most of our family way. Our primary doctor sees many of our family members, he is pushing for her to see a psychiatrist. The doctor thinks she is heading for a melt down. We have been married 28 years two months before Desert Shield and Desert Storm.
 I will be praying for you!     

[Kelli Cornett]

Sorry you're having to go through this.
You say you've seen some things with your wife all along but it had gotten worse since discovering a  thyroid issue and a child being born (which affects hormones). From experience, high functioning pwBPD can seriously dysregulate due to thyroid and/or hormone issues. It's like it triggers all of the BPD traits all at once, and as their partners, we feel like the weight of all of this and the keeping together of the family has fallen on us. Even once their thyroid/hormone levels stabilize, their 'old self' (which would be a false self, if she really does have BPD) never seems to return.

From all the research I've done and my own experience, it's usually fruitless to try and tell a BPD partner anything about what's going on with them or try/expect them to change. They will see everything you're trying to tell them as somehow invalidating, and will usually fight tooth and nail to deny that they are somehow 'broken' people. You have to just learn to control your reactions to the things they do, figure out how to keep yourself healthy, and figure out what will be the next move for you and your family.

If it is really BPD she has no real sense of self, and the woman who you are desperately trying to find again never really existed in the first place. It's no more her 'real' self than the person she became 6 years ago, and although you may see glimpses of that person every now and then, she will not magically revert to that person permanently.

[ArleighBurke]

Whether or not your wife has BPD probably doesn't matter.

If she displays many symptoms, then the tools on this site will help. Learning to communicate with Validation, S.E.T., boundaries. Read - and learn!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

At first I thought the problem in our marriage was me and was following up on everything she was saying. Deep down I never felt her criticisms were proportionate to the offense. But if it was me, then at least I had something I could work on;  at least I could do something . . . went to marriage conferences (alone), read books, sought the council of wise married men.  While there were some things I could improve on, there was nothing major. There was not very much that I could do that would seem to please her.

Yep. That's the story for almost all of us!

[forgump]

Even once their thyroid/hormone levels stabilize, their 'old self' ... .never seems to return.

I hadn't heard about the idea that a pwBPD mirrors you while you're falling in love with each other. But it makes a lot of sense to me, and it's consistent with her never returning to the old self after the triggering event (e.g., hormones). She doesn't return because the old identity was largely a mirror she adopted.

This whole concept resonates with me, and my situation: I've been married 10 years to a pwBPD who is now divorcing me. We were both overwhelmed with love and excitement when we met, but the attraction faded very quickly after getting married. Mirroring explains a lot of that, I think. I'm a mellow, fairly easy-going person, and I saw someone who appeared that way to me -- flexible, open-minded, giving, caring -- and a lot of that was mirroring. Her attraction to me faded fairly quickly after getting married, and I think that's because she got tired of mirroring, and her volatile temper came back out. As she aged into mid-life and is transitioning into some type of pre-menopause physiology, I think her hormones triggered some dysregulation, and after that she felt no need to return to her "old self," much of which was mirroring. After a while, I think, mirroring feels like a prison to a pwBPD.

Of course things aren't that black & white in my situation... .  There are many ways in which we are compatible, but the idea of mirroring and the eventual disillusionment with mirroring (triggered by changes in hormones) is a strong component in what's happening between me & my wife.