When I finally realized my mother had BPD

[Luna619]

Hello everyone,
I am in my 40s and it took me a long time to realize my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  We never had an easy relationship. I never really rebelled as a teenager or stood up to her.  I was afraid to.  I just constantly remember her being angry at me and emotionally abusive for one reason or another.  My physical abuser was my sister- both of my sisters were much more outspoken and I was the quiet depressed one.  As adults, both of them would pretend I didn't exist.  I stopped going to my parents' house years ago.  I still have nightmares about trying to get out of that house.

In the past four years, my mother and father (who was depressed with PTSD, and just did what she said) have been absent for some significant milestones in my life.  They didn't show up for my wedding. They just didn't respond to the invitation and I didn't follow up. My mother would only come to my baby shower if she could bring my abusive sister who I did not invite.  My parents didn't acknowledge the birth of my daughter for 2 1/2 years (My mother said she never got the birth announcement).  Then after 2 1/2 years of not talking to me, she emailed me to say she "found" the invitation, and that by the way my father was extremely ill.  When my second child was born with a heart defect, she was briefly involved.  I was in the hospital most of the summer, and she texted me that she would send a gift card.  She kept making a really big deal about the gift card, and soon stopped talking to me because I didn't thank her quickly enough. 

The final straw was pretty recent- I found out my father died on facebook when one of my cousins posted his obituary.  It was truly shocking to see it.  My mother or sisters never told me and it happened 2 days before.  I wanted to go to his memorial service and was waiting for my mother to call me and tell me when and where.  When she didn't, I called her.  She ignored the fact that she never told me he died.  She told me that my father was so hurt by me because I didn't send him a birthday card several months back, that he didn't want me to be informed of his death. She kept repeating how much I hurt him.  After that conversation, I wasn't comfortable going to his memorial service. 

Now with his birthday approaching her words keep going through my head.  I don't know how I could ever face her or my sisters again.  Thanks for reading.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Luna619:   

I'm so sorry about the situation with your family and the way you were treated.  Do you think that, in addition to your mom, that one or both of your sisters may have BPD traits?  There are several links to the upper right of this post that can lead you to some helpful information.

Do you know your father's final resting place?  Perhaps you might want to have your own personal memorial service for your dad.  Is there some way you might want to memorialize your dad, perhaps with just your immediate family?

Are you struggling with depression at the current time?  What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  It can help to do some things to relive anxiety and stress.  Exercise, mindfulness and various forms of meditation can be helpful.

This article on MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS , might be helpful to read.  Just click on the green words and it will take you to the article.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Luna619,

I’m so sorry you had to endure all that abuse, it must have been awful. You describe a familiar dynamic, in that there were 3 kids in my family and we were triangulated, and our youngest sister was ignored as the “lost child”.  If you are not familiar with the triangulation model, I’d have a look as it would explain the experience you describe.
It is simply a mechanism many BPD use to keep their kids in their place, by pitting them against each other, creating jealous and mistrust. Divide and conquer style. Here’s a link:

www.narcissisticmother.com/narcissistic-mother-lost-child-scapegoat-golden-child

But even if that isn’t the reason, you are describing very manipulative behaviour and the main point to remember is it probably had little to do with how you behaved. You may hold guilt about this, but I hope in time you realise this is unfair guilt. So the hurtful thing your mother said about your father, saying he didn’t want you to be informed about his death, really does sound like BPD manipulation and no more. Why on earth would anyone (without a personality disorder) not want their whole family at their funeral? A BPD might not, but... .

Another pointer is that when a BPD repeats something over and over, it is normally to implant a thought they want you to totally believe. It the formula used in marketing, propaganda and brain washing. Chatting /nagging things over and over is an excellent way to get people to believe untruthfully things. Research shows it is how often you repeat a message, rather than the message itself, that makes us believe. Consider why annoying adverting slogans are run so often, despite the cheesy or annoying message. So when your BPD mom is saying your hurt your dad over and over, again this probably has little to do with you. Consider the logistics, your BPD (I assume) spent way more time  with her husband than you did. So her behaviour was the greatest influence, not yours. So she is just projecting the blame away onto the easiest target.
No child is responsible for their adult parent’s feelings. But as children of a BPD we were all trained to take responsibly. But that was wrong. You are exonerated. But  it also sounds like you may be in the grip of F.O.G. , which helps us take unfair guilt and is common with we BPD children. Here's a link if you want to explore that:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

The good news is that by realising about BPD and landing here, you recovery beings. It can only get better, so long as you use the resources and help available. So please post about the things that trouble you, it will help you with perspective, help validate.
Welcome.
 

[Notwendy]

Hi Luna,

I am sorry for your loss and the cruelty of your relatives.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and not to take your mother's words about your father personally.

When my father was seriously ill, I tried to visit as much as I could, but when I did, my mother would be verbally abusive. My father got angry at me over setting boundaries with her. I was grieving the impending loss, and the combination of her verbal abuse and his anger was more than I could deal with emotionally. My mother also criticized me about not being there enough for my father, saying I hurt him. This is very sad for me to hear.

I did get to see my father in the hospital before he died, but was not present at the time he did. My mother notified relatives, but not me. I believe this was deliberate and designed to be cruel. I found out when one of his relatives called me to offer condolences, and she was shocked to find out that I didn't know.

I think you can assume that your mother says things from her perspective. It isn't easy to wonder what your father really thought, but I think at some level he had to understand your situation.

I hope that by learning about BPD you can feel better about the choices you made to keep a distance from abusive people. I don't know if you have any beliefs about the afterlife, but it is a consolation to believe that somehow, my father did know that I loved him, and your father does too. We can't change the past though- but knowing what a loving parent wants for a child, I think your father would want you to be happy and free from abuse. You can too.