She wanted space...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well she said we needed to work on ourselves and didn't want any one on one time as that wasn't where she was at... .so I did something in the face of distance and silent treatment quite normal... .hey I'm going to a friends house to watch the World Series... .

The response to that "Have at it because I'll be honoring the space we are in tomorrow night!"

I get home and she's off the rails, stay away from my kids, get away from me... .etc... .all over some 40 and 50 year old guys watching baseball... .

She asked for space... .put me on an emotional island... .if I stay I get $:& on and appebtly if I go I get the death penalty... .

Super confused

[NewStart]

Well she said we needed to work on ourselves and didn't want any one on one time as that wasn't where she was at... .so I did something in the face of distance and silent treatment quite normal... .hey I'm going to a friends house to watch the World Series... .

The response to that "Have at it because I'll be honoring the space we are in tomorrow night!"

I get home and she's off the rails, stay away from my kids, get away from me... .etc... .all over some 40 and 50 year old guys watching baseball... .

She asked for space... .put me on an emotional island... .if I stay I get $:& on and appebtly if I go I get the death penalty... .

Super confused

[Kelli Cornett]

BPD= heads she wins, tails you lose.
I've tested this out with my BPDw, taken situations with her in which there were two options, chosen one... it was wrong... chosen the other... it was wrong too.

Stop reacting, and do what is best for you. She's going to react/dysregulate however she chooses, and it's usually going to be dramatic and chaotic. it has little/nothing to do with you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NewStart, I have been in your shoes, my friend, and it's a lose/lose proposition.  I suggest you decide what is important to you and then do it, because if you wait for permission you'll never receive it.  Agree w/northface:

Stop reacting, and do what is best for you. She's going to react/dysregulate however she chooses, and it's usually going to be dramatic and chaotic. it has little/nothing to do with you.

LuckyJim

[jrharvey]

You did the right thing.

There is no right answer in the way you think. When she says she wants space the ONLY right answer in her mind is for you to stay there while she punishes you for what terrible thing you have done in her mind and your only choice is to suffer and sulk and beg for forgiveness so she can graciously forgive you. In her mind there is a correct answer which is simply to feel intense pain and suffering. If you don't give her the satisfaction that she has inflicted the proper about of pain then you are once again in the wrong and she may even feel abandoned on top of that. You escaped her plan to punish and that pissed her off that it didn't work.

[NewStart]

Thanks for the support that I'm not missing something in this process.  She said she was focusing on her improvement and I needed to focus on mine.  She keeps going little contact, or when she does it low in emotion, and when/if I do choose to then do something for myself she comes back with, "it's obvious the only person you value is yourself... ."

It's a continual no win... . 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NewStart, If you don't value yourself, who will?  Obviously not her.  It's healthy to do something for yourself.  What is unhealthy is when one ignores one's own needs in order to care for those of someone else, which is codependency.  I suspect that anyone in a BPD r/s has codependent tendencies, because it runs with the territory, so-to-speak.  I certainly do, so I have to be careful when I catch myself slipping into a care taking mode, at which point I pause and reevaluate whether it's healthy for me to get involved.  As a general matter, I would argue that one is not responsible for the behavior of another adult.

LuckyJim

[Kelli Cornett]

Thanks for the support that I'm not missing something in this process.  She said she was focusing on her improvement and I needed to focus on mine.  She keeps going little contact, or when she does it low in emotion, and when/if I do choose to then do something for myself she comes back with, "it's obvious the only person you value is yourself... ."

It's a continual no win... . 

That comment from her is very typical of pwBPD when you start paying attention to your own well being, stop letting her hurt you, and start enforcing boundaries.
They'll call you selfish and a narcissist when you finally stand up for yourself, and stop letting them hurt you.
In reality, it means you're doing it right.