Which stage of detachment is this

[FallBack!Monster]

Attempting to find the right words to explain what & how I feel to this day.
There's one thought that keeps lingering off and on in my head, "what a waste.". Referencing to time shared, words spoken, promises made, bonding, learning each other, memorable moments, meeting each other, seeing and entering each other's lives, introductions, time spent getting emotionally intimate, laughing, eating together, cooking together, admiring each other's ways, talking with each other, shopping together, getting to know all likes and dislikes, boasting about us, planning... ."what a waste". All that for nothing? hmmmm
No more feelings of resentment. Not anxious for closure. Don't see how any answers wld explain the feeling I felt which now seem foreign. Can help but to think of 100 other better or more peaceful ways in which any love story like the one I had cld end. This one just doesn't fit at all. Definitely not one of the 100.
Not mad. Not glad. Not wondering "what if". Not blaming, Not judging (at least don't think I am). Not wanting, not nothing.  Only pensive about self improvement and a bit about, "what a waste" of my everything that I will never get back.
Is this even a stage or do I still have longer to go?

[C.Stein]

Look to the right bar --->

What stage in the five stages of detachment do you think you are?  Remember, this is not a linear process.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Done4-

I'm with C.Stein, best to read the descriptions to the right and find the one that fits for you right now.  I have an idea where you are, do you?

"what a waste."  All that for nothing? hmmmm

That's common Done4, and with maybe "if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't have done that" yes?  And that's part of the challenge, and an opportunity, moving forward in detachment, to find reasons, lessons, growth, value, so that not only wasn't it a waste, it added great value to your life, in fact you might see yourself at some point looking back, realizing how far you've come, and being grateful for the experience, maybe even realizing you couldn't have gotten where you are without those lessons and that experience.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

[once removed]

hi done4better,

i can certainly understand the feeling that everything was for nought. we invested a lot of ourselves in addition to our time in these relationships, and i suspect many, for a period of time, cant help but think we could have invested ourselves elsewhere, more productively; i know i felt that way.

but that can be said about any past relationship, can it not? i tend to believe that every relationship teaches us something about ourselves, that we can use in the next one, and if we let that growth happen, we go on to be more emotionally available and healthy partners - in other words, one step closer to the love we search for.

some go on and can look back and appreciate the memories made as well. that doesnt tend to apply to me - the emotional significance fades over time, though i dont consider it a waste, just part of the journey to my destination, and part of who i am now.

theres not a right or wrong with your feeling here, it is a normal part of detachment. you mention you are pensive about self improvement - what sort? in what ways have you been working on that? i can assure you, thats no waste

[Rayban]

I believe that ultimately we should strive for acceptence.  I remember a conversation with my mpm,  and her trying to make me understand that after multiple breakups and reconciliations that I should at the very least consider the amount of time I was wasting on a person I knew deep down I couldn't have a meaningful relationship with. I was stuck in a loop of recycling just to have that incredible spark that makes you feel like you've finally found the "ONE". I now feel we were both having reunion fantasies and desperately trying to relive those fleeting moments of normalcy.  No arguments,  No jealousy,  just being able to connect with a person with BPD, and enjoying or feeling that despite the dysfunction there was something genuine.  I realize that it will always be just moments.  Like she's lived with other people.  I strive to learn from it.  She strives to recapture it with other people.  Being In her early thirties and expressing the desire to settle down, but yet still repeating the same patterns, just made me realize that I wasn't the one to make her change her ways.

In the end I hurt because I was just like all the others before me. Except that the smarter ones understood what they were dealing with and did what was necessary to get away successfully. I chose to stick around and pay the price of sacradicing my own well being .

[FallBack!Monster]

There's one meaningful quote I carry around in my head. No matter what anyone says, the way people treat you is not a reflection of you is a reflection of him or her. There's absolutely nothing in this world that could ever make me think otherwise. Of course if I ever were to stick my finger in an electrical socket, chances are, I will never do anything like it again.
Yes & no about about having the same feelings for any failed r/s. But when I say what a waste is like spending X+ amount of hours studying for a (using somebody else's words) failed proof exam. But  even if somehow you managed to pass, you still failed. Well I don't feel I failed. I fell I wasted my efforts doing something worthless. On the other hand, r/s with a non although you can have similar feelings of despair, not a total waste because if it wasn't for some differences, it could have worked.  That possibility does not exist with a pwBPD. The while time, he was just kidding. Didn't mean to hurt me. Damn! Don't take it so personal. He does that to everyone he meets But he means no harm. HBut it ain't about the pwBPD when I say waste. Not waste knowing, waste sharing so many false feelings.

[lovenature]

Not waste knowing, waste sharing so many false feelings.

They weren't false feelings, you felt the way you did and your partner felt the way they did; a PWBPD really does want a close, intimate relationship-they want to feel loved and accepted for who they are just like you and I, problem is once you get too close it triggers their fear of engulfment and they push you away with their defenses.

I understand your feeling of wasted time, I hung on way longer than I should have trying to make it work and have a good relationship for what I invested. What we must realize is that things went the way they did in our relationships because we needed to learn from them; once you can see why you stayed in a toxic relationship, you can get closer to acceptance and a healthier life.