My Ex-BPD is trying to get me back...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
My Ex- BPD tried to " patch things together with me 2 weeks a go.
It was odd at the time ( we only spent 3 nights together... .) that he didn't want to spend the night and the last night, he brought a suitcase... .only for me to get up the next morning to see him... .GONE... .!
This guy chased after me ,sent me flowers for 3 months ( initial break up was by me 3 months ago) and finally I agreed to meet to " talk about our future"... .and he is gone the next morning... .
It never happened to me before, he left no note, no message... .I looked at my txt and there is was... ." last night I realized nothing was going to change, I didn't want to wake you up and argue about it... .so I left with " tears in my eyes"... .
Well, my fellow friends... .your humbly member has been dumped, via txt... .

I changed my number, I directed all his messages to trash... .and low and behold who is trying to talk via Skype... .Him... .he wanted to " vent"... .how badly I treated him... .( I worshiped him... .!) that he was in so much pain... .because that night apparently he " saw " in my eyes, I was going to " throw him out"... .so he said he " went a long the night since I had cooked great dinner... .and he didn't want to bring the topic"... .never mind we had an amazing sex the last one was early morning, before he left"... .( i.e dumped me... .)... .5 days N.C I am getting I regret what I did and need to talk to you... .
well my friends, you guessed it... .it escalated to calling my job leaving messages " it's urgent"... ." It's life or death"... .I did respond and ask what is the issue otherwise I wouldn't answer"?... .His reply... ." I am dying without  you in my life"... .please can we talk when I get back... .
stupidly I agreed, but never gave him my new cell number and asked which hotels will he be staying... .he told me ...
I called that hotel in Europe... .and they said, he is not schedule to arrive only 2 days from now... .
So you see... .there is no end to the deceit , the inconsistencies... .
But he keeps emailing me in despair... ." I am suffering without you"... .
I did answer that I have issues to sort and it requires of me to be a lone... .
He said he respect that and will not bother me again... .but sent an email that I will always be the love of his life... .He continues with on and off emails that somehow only one gets to trash, but I am finding myself, looking for them... .
I fell out of love... .in July... .and he hovered me back 2 weeks ago... .what hurts the most is that I " fell in love with him again"... .( you should read his emails to me... .) and believed he wanted to get back together... .He asked me once again to move in, and I said yes... .( the next day he was gone... .)... .
I would welcome any comment or suggestion how to fight my " urge" to not " look for an email from him... .( he makes up emails just to go through my emails... .there is no way to go around it I have already blocked 17 emails... .he had used)... .
This time it has to come from me... .I have done this before... .we have met in March, was Rocky, I broke to off July... .He came back October... .3 days... .( with the life/death... .)... .and left me with a text, while still sleeping... .( he regret tremendously and would like to talk to me about that... .recap)

I am still shell shocked... ." am I that naive... .thinking he really regret this... .?... .am looking for validation for the pain of " being rejected by him"... .it is painful, I must add... .
why is it so painful... .could it be that i fell in love with him over 3 days, and now heart broken... .( in all honesty I was not even thinking of him during my original breakup)

Is it the rejection part that I am a hard time dealing with... .?   His emails, ( when he is trying to come back, are dripping with love and wanting you for the rest of my life... .it is hard to ignore... .but should I ?)

Go a head criticize me, how could I have done it... .?... .but please all I am asking in this long story is an idea, a method, a skill, a technique, something that one of you have used that got them through the day, without the urge or thinking of him... .
Desperately yours

[Scyphozoan]

Hello,
My Ex- BPD tried to " patch things together with me 2 weeks a go.
It was odd at the time ( we only spent 3 nights together... .) that he didn't want to spend the night and the last night, he brought a suitcase... .only for me to get up the next morning to see him... .GONE... .!
This guy chased after me ,sent me flowers for 3 months ( initial break up was by me 3 months ago) and finally I agreed to meet to " talk about our future"... .and he is gone the next morning... .
It never happened to me before, he left no note, no message... .I looked at my txt and there is was... ." last night I realized nothing was going to change, I didn't want to wake you up and argue about it... .so I left with " tears in my eyes"... .
Well, my fellow friends... .your humbly member has been dumped, via txt... .

I changed my number, I directed all his messages to trash... .and low and behold who is trying to talk via Skype... .Him... .he wanted to " vent"... .how badly I treated him... .( I worshiped him... .!) that he was in so much pain... .because that night apparently he " saw " in my eyes, I was going to " throw him out"... .so he said he " went a long the night since I had cooked great dinner... .and he didn't want to bring the topic"... .never mind we had an amazing sex the last one was early morning, before he left"... .( i.e dumped me... .)... .5 days N.C I am getting I regret what I did and need to talk to you... .
well my friends, you guessed it... .it escalated to calling my job leaving messages " it's urgent"... ." It's life or death"... .I did respond and ask what is the issue otherwise I wouldn't answer"?... .His reply... ." I am dying without  you in my life"... .please can we talk when I get back... .
stupidly I agreed, but never gave him my new cell number and asked which hotels will he be staying... .he told me ...
I called that hotel in Europe... .and they said, he is not schedule to arrive only 2 days from now... .
So you see... .there is no end to the deceit , the inconsistencies... .
But he keeps emailing me in despair... ." I am suffering without you"... .
I did answer that I have issues to sort and it requires of me to be a lone... .
He said he respect that and will not bother me again... .but sent an email that I will always be the love of his life... .He continues with on and off emails that somehow only one gets to trash, but I am finding myself, looking for them... .
I fell out of love... .in July... .and he hovered me back 2 weeks ago... .what hurts the most is that I " fell in love with him again"... .( you should read his emails to me... .) and believed he wanted to get back together... .He asked me once again to move in, and I said yes... .( the next day he was gone... .)... .
I would welcome any comment or suggestion how to fight my " urge" to not " look for an email from him... .( he makes up emails just to go through my emails... .there is no way to go around it I have already blocked 17 emails... .he had used)... .
This time it has to come from me... .I have done this before... .we have met in March, was Rocky, I broke to off July... .He came back October... .3 days... .( with the life/death... .)... .and left me with a text, while still sleeping... .( he regret tremendously and would like to talk to me about that... .recap)

I am still shell shocked... ." am I that naive... .thinking he really regret this... .?... .am looking for validation for the pain of " being rejected by him"... .it is painful, I must add... .
why is it so painful... .could it be that i fell in love with him over 3 days, and now heart broken... .( in all honesty I was not even thinking of him during my original breakup)

Is it the rejection part that I am a hard time dealing with... .?   His emails, ( when he is trying to come back, are dripping with love and wanting you for the rest of my life... .it is hard to ignore... .but should I ?)

Go a head criticize me, how could I have done it... .?... .but please all I am asking in this long story is an idea, a method, a skill, a technique, something that one of you have used that got them through the day, without the urge or thinking of him... .
Desperately yours

[Confused108]

Sorry you went thru all that drama. But ... .this is what these crazy people do. Mine chased after me 28 years later. Told me all kinds of bs that she would never leave me again. I was the only one for her. She never like sleeping with other people. I was the only one she ever loved. All crap and lies. Played with me for 2 months and dumped me via Email. Didn't even have the balls to pick up the phone when I called her. I know it hurts but dont look back. Just run!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi XXX-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very hurtful and confusing, although not rare around here, we've been there and we understand.

Go a head criticize me, how could I have done it... .?... .but please all I am asking in this long story is an idea, a method, a skill, a technique, something that one of you have used that got them through the day, without the urge or thinking of him... .

Nope, not going to criticize you, the instability and chaos of a relationship with a borderline leaves us with a conflict: your head knows being done with him is right for you but your heart protests.  And you're going to think about him, it's normal and natural, as you grieve the relationship, process the emotions, detach, and make sense of the world again.  But it's helpful, as you go through that, to focus on the goal; if the goal is to detach from him emotionally, here on the detaching board that's what we're doing, and sounds like you did somewhat when you left him before, you can start to focus on your bright future without him, just as something to aim for as you go through your detachment.  :)o you know what that looks like for you?

And here's an article we've all gotten good value from, I recommend you check it out and keep reading and posting.  It gets better.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

 

[Scyphozoan]

 
You guys are so kind and tender... .what to do when I feel so " well he is begging to be heard"... .but I can not let my guard down... .?
I am being " brutally honest here guys... ." I am suffering inside"... .what am I missing... .?... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey XXX-

You guys are so kind and tender... .what to do when I feel so " well he is begging to be heard"... .but I can not let my guard down... .?

Think attachments with borderlines.  He's begging to be heard by you because he's feeling abandoned, regardless of the fact that he's the one who left, so he's trying to pull you back.  And if you go back he'll push you away.  The push/pull behavior comes out of his fear of abandonment and his fear of engulfment, losing himself in someone else, opposing, ever-present fears, get too close, push away, get too far, pull back.

But that's him.  For you it's helpful to focus on what's the goal?  If it's to end the relationship, grieve it, heal and detach, then the best course might be to not listen to his begging, which will be difficult at first, mostly because of that conflict between your head and your heart, but the hardest part is at the beginning and it will get easier, and you can use the goal as a target when you get a little lost, and you can use us too.

[Scyphozoan]

 
Thank you so much "fromheeltoheal"... .! Your answer was dead on... .
No I knew better to cut things off back in July and It didn't hurt that much at all... .
This time... ." it does... ."... .
You are correct, he is probably frantically trying to line up, the " famous back up" just not to be a lone... .( minus one option... .me... .!)

How is it... .that at this advanced age of almost 60, he is not " scared" to run out of options... .( girls... .)... .
You have enlighten me so far, I would like your opinion, they have a fear of abandonment ... .which they " suffer" when a lone... .what wins at the end in this push/pull pendulum... .solitary ( fear of being abandoned ) or settling down ( fear of being abandoned hence ending  a lone)... .?
MY Goal, writing this was to get through the first day, with out caving to the words and the promises... .I did it... .thanks to you
The goal has been and always be the same for me... .to " never go back "( not for a second not for an hour... .I did for 3 days & it messed me up for 2 weeks)
I don't have to undertsnad everything... .I just want the pain to stop and regain control of my urges... .at this critical juncture... .since the " pressure has been on me relentlessly"... .
I knew if I met with him... .I will gain relief in my pain ( momentarily, perhaps for a few days... .but I will be subjecting myself for more to come... .)
So thank you " Fromheeltoheal" for holding my hand when I needed you and reaching out to me... .it alleviated  the pain... .hence the urge subsided... .so it's 48 hours... .and can't wait for my target date... .( which is a few months from now... .)... .but taking it one hour at a time of NC... .
Once again, thank you for your kindness and immediate intervention... .

[fromheeltoheal]

How is it... .that at this advanced age of almost 60, he is not " scared" to run out of options... .( girls... .)... .
You have enlighten me so far, I would like your opinion, they have a fear of abandonment ... .which they " suffer" when a lone... .what wins at the end in this push/pull pendulum... .solitary ( fear of being abandoned ) or settling down ( fear of being abandoned hence ending  a lone)... .?

The fear doesn't matter, an attachment is mandatory, which trumps the fear.  Everyone's different of course, and the disorder is on a continuum with most of us exhibiting at least some of the traits some of the time, but someone with the disorder can report that they feel like they don't exist at all without an attachment, so it's pretty important to establish them.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation is an official trait of the disorder though, precipitated by the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, and the closer a borderline gets to someone the more triggering it is, so although "settling down" with one person seems like a handy way to avoid abandonment, the fear of engulfment shows up, and the whole thing is unstable anyway.  Sad when you think about it: what a borderline wants more than anything they can't get sustainably, and that has nothing to do with whom they're with.

Once again, thank you for your kindness and immediate intervention... .

You're welcome, and stick around if you want, there are plenty of lessons and growth as we detach.  Take care of you!

[Pretty Woman]

XXX,
  Sorry to hear you went through that.

When my ex left me two years ago (not the final discard) she went back to an ex she dated five years prior.

The day she left me she wanted to "stay friends". By this time, I read enough on here to realize, staying friends is not a realistic opportunity (it's very one sided).

All of a sudden she was running back to the "love of her life" this person she had been grooming to run to while with me. This person even came to visit us and I was told this was her best friend. This woman was very prickly and unfriendly. It took awhile but I realized... .she had been grooming her to "rescue" her. This woman wasn't going to ever like me. I was the enemy.

Fast forward a week and my ex is vacationing with this woman a few states away. This woman leaves her partner of ten years for this broken doll and guess what. My ex wakes up one morning, looks at her and decides the way she combs her hair drives her nuts.

Dumps her and calls me over 100x on her drive back to our state. This after threatening a RO on me before she left.

Everything is impulsive and they LOVE two or more people battling for their affection.

Don't beat yourself up but take it from me... .you are doing all the right things. How do you get rid of cancer? You cut it out.
It will get better with time. Take care of yourself and cut this jerk out.

 

[Scyphozoan]

 
thank you all,,,( special tnx " toheelfromheal"... .
being strong ... .some days like yesterday was so tough... .today easier... .
it's the addiction , I know... .I understand... .
To those of you who are tempted to pick up the txt at this moment 5:30... .after work... .seeing no txt... .take a deep breath... .go for an ice cream... .if it is hard to concentrate... .read some insightful explanations on this board... .
I am 44 CEO of a company, knew better ended the relationship after 3 months in July, got sucked in for merely 72 hours mid October... .with grand gestures of rings and moving in ... .only to be awaken up to an empty bed... .no note , no email... .small txt... .( yes... .I have realized, nothing have changed... .)
and I couldn't function or cared about anything else for 2 weeks... .
Please... .if you are going through the similar process... ." distract yourself immediately"... .

The emails I get are constant and the phone call to my office: "... .I regret tremendously what I did... .to which I answered there is no going back... .
and he added... ." The biggest mistake of my life... ."... .

So hard, to dismiss when someone tells you these things, but what helped me was... .how one day we were moving in together... .and 24 hours, complete abandonment... .I am only grateful  he will never get a chance to do this to me again... .but you guys can also learn... .I have shared my suffering ... .the first 48 hours... .it was excruciating pain from every pore of my body... .
and now... .I am stronger... .not as I used to but I have a goal and it is to get there... .

Abstinence... .is the key... .
G-d Bless... .
XXX