Talked to Psychic About My Situation

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm going to post what I found out about my ex with BPD. I'm curious how many of you believe in such a thing and you know what I now do. Everything I've heard about my ex now makes me so sick. I can now prepare myself for when she will try and comeback. I now know I want nothing to do with her. I will post here shortly on what I found out.

[Willis002]

I'm going to post what I found out about my ex with BPD. I'm curious how many of you believe in such a thing and you know what I now do. Everything I've heard about my ex now makes me so sick. I can now prepare myself for when she will try and comeback. I now know I want nothing to do with her. I will post here shortly on what I found out.

[Willis002]

Here I go! I found out that my ex will only pursue me for her own benefit. She really doesn't want a future (kids, marriage, moving in) because of he engulfment issues. It's too much for her. She hurt me on purpose. She knew that week what she was going to do (sociopath). She wants me to keep reaching out. She want to see me wiggle for her enjoyment. Knowing she is still wanted. I found out the less I do the more I'll see. I'm going NC and 3 weeks strong. As my name dies down around her and I haven't tried making any contact she will wonder whats up? She will start checking up on me. She will check on dating websites and be mad that I'm already moving on. In fact that I have pictures up that have her cropped out will make her even mad. This could possibly make her reach out sooner. I was told it will take her dating and being in a relationship to come back. So I've been told in a year that things might become interesting. I found out she knows I'm struggling and thinks positively about me, but keeps talking crap about me. Also, found out she's jealous of me and the life I have. She used the letters she wrote me to manipulate me so she can have me whenever she's ready to come back.

She will try during my life to interject herself back into my life. When i'm dating, in a relationship, etc. She doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me. She almost obsessed with me. She thinks about me everyday. She wonders whats going on with me. She knows what she did was wrong but isn't upset about it. She has BPD with PTSD, narcissistic traits along with sociopathic traits. During this period of time people in her life will leave. People are catching on. Pretty much the only people who believe her are her parents. The rest are starting to see through her lies.

[Willis002]

Just hoping for some feedback

[rfriesen]

Hi Willis! 

She has BPD with PTSD, narcissistic traits along with sociopathic traits.

That's quite a package to deal with. This is part of what the psychic told you about your ex? Putting aside the labels, what are some of the behaviours your ex engaged in that were hurtful? What emotions and thoughts rise up in you when you think of those behaviours now?

Here I go! I found out that my ex will only pursue me for her own benefit. She really doesn't want a future (kids, marriage, moving in) because of he engulfment issues. It's too much for her. She hurt me on purpose. She knew that week what she was going to do (sociopath). She wants me to keep reaching out. She want to see me wiggle for her enjoyment. Knowing she is still wanted.

Now that you know these things, what do you want to do about it? She wants you to keep reaching out. Do you want to keep reaching out? Do you want her to reach out?

She will start checking up on me. She will check on dating websites and be mad that I'm already moving on. In fact that I have pictures up that have her cropped out will make her even mad. This could possibly make her reach out sooner.

Is your goal in all this to make her reach out sooner? In your first post in this thread, you say you now know you want nothing to do with her. Is that still how you feel?

She used the letters she wrote me to manipulate me so she can have me whenever she's ready to come back.

So, is your goal now to detach from this relationship? How would you like to move forward?

I hear your pain, Willis. I can relate to the disorientation when we start to see this kind of relationship in a whole new light. The question now is: what do you want for yourself now?

[shatra]

Is this a psychic you have seen before--or have others told you they are acccurate? 
Did you show a photo of your ex, or did you tell the psychic any details about the situation?
Did the psychic actually use words like BPD, narcissism, etc.?
Are the details true in your situation (i.e. the dating sites the psychic mentioned, etc.)

[Willis002]

Hey rfriesen

Basically she was fine with me. During the relationship the behaviors I didn't like was questioning our relationship. Like she would ask are you sure you want to be with me or when we were at my buddies wedding. She got upset I had my shirt untucked during the reception. She was like you can't act like that around my family. I told her I know how to act in different situations. When she would question our relationship is when we had issues. My ex was a caring loving person. She actually gave me several warnings that something might happen and she didn't want to do this to me. When she was right I believe she really did love me.

But now that she broke up with me out of no where and saying lies about me. Idk exactly what I'll do if she contacts me. At this point I'm going complete NC and moving on the best I can. I certainly don't trust myself right now if she came back. I would like her to reach out sooner. I want to show her that I am strong and I can live without her. I feel like she needs to be knocked down a few notches. I'm trying to detach as much as I can. I know feel like the odds of her come back are high. I need to be strong so I don't mess things up. I'm worried she might be able to sway me.

Hey shatra

Yes I have seen this psychic 3 times.
I didn't show them a picture. i basically described my situation.
I told the psychic she has BPD, but they told me she has those other traits that I wasn't aware of.

[Willis002]

Here's everything that's gone on:

My Story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299758.0

I will be moving to the next thread but I would like to get your guys' thoughts. My ex and I have no chance of ever getting back together. I had her friend talk to her and here are the things she said:

Bad news is it seems like she's pretty set on not taking you back... good news is that "once the dust settles" as she put it, she's gonna talk to you and give you some closure on the whole deal.

She has a few reasons... It looks like a lot of which are related to maturity problems...

She told me she tried to end it a couple times in the past and then she just reached threshold and cracked.

"I am not changing my mind, just getting more and more scared of him.
He didn't treat me like a person. He treated me like an object; an obsession; and addiction. The fact that all this time has passed, and he still won't go away, is SCARY.
I don't want him, I don't want his concerns, I don't want his love. I want him to disappear from my life. To let me go so I can be happy and no longer feel suffocated by his behavior."

"The letters were such a huge mistake, I wrote the letters as last ditch effort to make things work, despite how many concerns I was having. Then B, N and A. My closest friends beside you. All told me what they thought of him, and confirmed my worst fears. I had been telling myself for weeks that he had all these behaviors I didn't like, but that I was being judgmental and rude. But when my friends told me, when my dad told me, and A told me... .that they all didn't like him... .I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to end it. The timing was bad, But it was clear it needed to be done. I could be with someone when all of the most important people in my life thought they were bad news. Ya know? He annoyed B, A thought he was scary, my parents thought he was an idiot. It was just not good all around."

Based on everything I know she is lying about 95% of the things she is saying. Her mom never liked me. Her friend B asked me if I had any single friends. Like she was asking because my ex and I were doing good together. A liked me and said she was happy that my ex found some good. Btw she avoided the question about the letters. The letter were basically telling me to not give up on her and talked about a future together. That last ditch effort stuff is nonsense.

[rfriesen]

Idk exactly what I'll do if she contacts me.

This is perfectly understandable. The abrupt ending and discard can leave you with conflicting thoughts and emotions. The way to a stronger, happier you is to take the time to feel those emotions, work through them, and let them settle into a more stable place.

I certainly don't trust myself right now if she came back. I would like her to reach out sooner.

Do you mean you want her to reach out even though you don't trust yourself if she does? These may be some of the conflicting emotions you need to focus on resolving.

I want to show her that I am strong and I can live without her. I feel like she needs to be knocked down a few notches.

Again, it's understandable that you want some sense of "justice" -- she's hurt you and treated you badly, and your natural instinct is that she should share some of that pain. Let yourself feel that anger and hurt. In the long run, though, I think you'll find yourself moving on much more easily if you embrace wanting to be strong and happy for your own sake, not simply to "show her" that you are.

I'm trying to detach as much as I can. I know feel like the odds of her come back are high. I need to be strong so I don't mess things up. I'm worried she might be able to sway me.

What does "messing things up" mean to you now? Are you saying you would want to be able to make things work with your ex if she comes back? Or you don't want to mess things up and get sucked back in?

[Willis002]

The psychic also said that she will try to interject herself in my life. Like if I'm dating or in a relationship she will try to mess it up. From what they were saying is that she doesn't want me right now, but doesn't want anyone else to have me. They also said my ex thinks she has me in the "bag".

I do want her to reach out. I think I deserve a conversation. I believe I deserve something rather than nothing.I'm hoping if and when she does reach out that I am strong and possibly seeing someone at the time. I very loyal and with a year stretch I think its very possible.

My "justice" is going NC. Going back on dating sites and cutting her out of my life. I want her to see that I'm moving on. The psychic said she will be shocked to see I'm moving on so quickly and will be furious!

What I mean about messing things up is ruining my progress. My heart and brain are fighting each other. From what she's done to me I'm detaching, but my heart says I'm open to something in the future but not for quite awhile. Simply I am detaching for my own benefit.

Also, it sounds like she will around my life if I like it or not. NC might be where things end up.

[rfriesen]

I do want her to reach out. I think I deserve a conversation. I believe I deserve something rather than nothing.

I hear you. It's very painful to feel so wrong done by, when it comes from someone we felt so close with and are still bonded to. That said, she might not give you what you deserve. That's always a possibility in life. As painful as it is, we just don't have the power to make others behave as we think is fair, even when their actions cut us to the core. It might help to try focusing on your feelings, just observing and exploring the emotions without trying to change them, rather than focusing on what you wish she would do. Observing ourselves can give us some distance and perspective on the whole situation.

My "justice" is going NC. Going back on dating sites and cutting her out of my life. I want her to see that I'm moving on. The psychic said she will be shocked to see I'm moving on so quickly and will be furious!

By setting up her reaction and feelings as the motivation for your actions, you're handing her a tremendous amount of power over you. In essence, you're measuring the purpose and success of your actions by how she responds. Do you think this will put you in a strong, detached, and happier place if she chooses to reach out to you? It sounds like you will be putting a lot of stock in how she feels about you and your actions. Be careful about giving her so much control over your emotions and satisfaction.

What I mean about messing things up is ruining my progress. My heart and brain are fighting each other. From what she's done to me I'm detaching, but my heart says I'm open to something in the future but not for quite awhile. Simply I am detaching for my own benefit.

If you don't want to ruin your progress, it might help to focus less on how she will respond to your actions. Your statement in bold is a powerful one; embrace it.

Also, it sounds like she will around my life if I like it or not. NC might be where things end up.

You are not a passive player in all this. It's up to you whether you allow her back into your life. By saying "if I like it or not", you set yourself up as a victim of whatever she chooses to do. Remember -- you can control your own actions and decide to what extent you will let her back in your life if she does return.

[jasmine-1234]

I don't know how to do the Quoting thing, but I totally felt this statement:

I would like her to reach out sooner. I want to show her that I am strong and I can live without her. I feel like she needs to be knocked down a few notches.

I felt like this a lot with my ex.  I couldn't understand how he could not see how f'ed up he was and how difficult he was making life. I always felt so justified in pointing out his flaws.

But the thing is, they can fight back so much harder, it never was worth it for me to even bring that stuff up.  When you think you're getting even, they will throw a sledghammer at you.  I don't think its possible to ever feel like she will "see" you or "get you".  We just wound up with a lot of broken vases, dishes, and ultimately a broken laptop.

Of course you are the better person at this point.  No need to try to convince her of it, unless you like hitting your head against brick walls

... .my unprofessional opinion

[Willis002]

To sum things up. I want her to get mad and see that she isn't in control of me and I'm not just waiting and licking my wounds. I want her to reach out. If she does I'm going to not reply for awhile. I want her to feel what I've been going through. I will allow limited contact or no contact at all. Idk what I want at the end of all this but I just want her to know she isn't in control of me. She thinks she knows me so well. She thinks I'm going to keep try to reach out and talk to her friends. I'm not going there. She thinks I'll stick around and I'm in the bag. I'm not waiting. The fact that she could possibly be angry that I'm back on dating sites and could be seeing other women is quite interesting to me. Why does she care? I've been writing down my thoughts for if she contacts me.

[shatra]

Willis wrote---
 Like she would ask are you sure you want to be with me

-----Was that out of her being insecure? Or her BPD fear of abandonment, thinking you wouldnt' want to be with her?

-----So the psychic was accurate on points----without seeing her photo or objects, just a description?

----When the friend said your ex said "after all this time he won't go away that is SCARY"... .but you are NC with her... .so why did she say that?

[Willis002]

I think it is probably a mix of both to be honest, but she would question our relationship. Sometime I believe it was all because BPD. She would ask me are you just with me because you don't want to alone. That kind of stuff always upset me.

Yeah the psychic was accurate on points, but sociopath stuff I really didn't see. I mean she warned me and told me she didn't want to hurt me. I have a hard time believing it, but the way she is treating me now makes me question that. But again this could all be because of BPD and she feels engulfed right now.

I had been trying to contact her by different means once a week. I'm currently 3 weeks without reaching out to her and 2 weeks with not talking to any of her friends.

[jasmine-1234]

I am totally feeling your pain and frustration.  My ex constrained me more and more as the relationship went on.  I actually was polyamorous before I met him. I gave up all of those friends and lovers. He wanted to throw away all of my sex toys I had. Hundreds of dollars worth!  I was upset but let him do it. ugh.

The final straw was when on my birthday, I sat on a girl-friends lap. A platonic friend. Super friendly non-sexual... .that shouldn't be triggering right?  He hid in the bedroom for hours and didn't participate in the party at all.  I decided I couldn't live that way.  I thought about it for another week or so and tons of fighting ensued.

I am hoping that you just want a better life for yourself.  To find a relationship that's better, for it's own sake. She may never get it

[shatra]

Yes they often question why you like them and fear you won't stay===fear of abandonment

Sorry to obsess on the point, but what did you actually do with the psychic (i.e. I have always seen that you need to show them a photo or item of the person and see what they pick up)... .did you basically say the name and a few details and the psychic came up with all that info?

So it is odd that since you haven't contacted her in a few weeks that she would say it's "scary that after all this time he still contacts"----maybe BPD extreme thinking or the fear of engulfment

[Willis002]

Jasmine-1234

I'm sorry about your ordeal! I do want a better life. I haven't ruled out if she got the help and treatment she needs that I would reconsider my stance. The crazy thing is she always said I was too good for her. That she has said she is a bad person and that she is toxic and should be alone forever. There's a part of me that doesn't want give up for that girl, but the person she is right now makes that almost easy to do.

Shatra

Hey no problem! She asked for her name and her birthday. I gave little detail about her and basically what happened in our relationship.

I believe that we were so close and loved each other that it scared the crap out of her. I have heard she is afraid of commitment. Her saying those things makes me believe she still feels engulfed. I was very affectionate with her and intimate. She wasn't as much as I was. I believe I'll have to be gone for awhile and her dating some to see what she has done.

I asked the psychic if she would ever contact her ex fiancé (who was before me). The psychic said no and that I was very different from him. That I was a lot more loving and all around a better support for her. That she had a deeper connect to me.

[Willis002]

You know what? At the end of the day I want my ex to regret ever letting me go. How can I do that? Be myself and progress through my life. If she comes back and see's that I'm doing well that does everything. I'm bettering myself and she can see she made a mistake. I think down the road she will realize this. I'm not beating my chest here, but I don't think she is going to find anybody better than me. I alway told her that I'm the best guy for her and no one could treat her better and she would agree. I believe she will reach out at some point. She broke the relationship when there was nothing wrong with it. Seriously there was nothing going on. I know she had things going on inside of her due to her BPD, but there weren't any real issue besides typical couple stuff. I'm sure Ill hear from her eventually. Right now she probably is feeling better since there's less BPD stuff going on due to her trying to keep herself from blowing up in our relationship. Pretty soon she will feel the emptiness and try to find someone else. I think once she has been dating and gets in a relationship with someone she will realize the huge mistake she made. She once told me she would never take me for granite. She saw how hard dating was for her roommate. I'm not waiting for her, but I'm open to talking. It won't be for awhile, but guess what. My self confidence has not taken a hit at all. I know how well I treated her and the things I did to make her happy. Only thing I'm working on is detaching the rest of my feelings and healing.

[Confused108]

Well I guess your not helping her ex get back his cat?  Let her go man. She does not deserve you . Trust me. My ex did the same crap. She found out I was married and ran after me. These type of people can't love anyone. They don't want us ... .but in the same sense don't want us going in with our lives because it's one less person in their recycle stable. I want nothing to do with my ex if she were to ever try and come back and recycle me again. I will not put up with that crap and I do t deserve to. Neither do you. Find yourself another girl. A normal one this time and move on. Close the door on this one for good. She won't change. Unless she goes for therapy for years and sticks with it. Good luck.

[Willis002]

That's the plan but I want the give her a taste of her own medicine. I want her to know I'm looking again and dating again. I want her to realize the stupid mistake she made. She doesn't deserve me. What I will do is if she does contract me, I will simple send a reply with one of the filthy messages at got from her and then not respond back for a period of time. I want her to see what it's like to want something but you can't have it. I just hope I don't fall for the trap.

[rfriesen]

That's the plan but I want the give her a taste of her own medicine. I want her to know I'm looking again and dating again. I want her to realize the stupid mistake she made. She doesn't deserve me. What I will do is if she does contract me, I will simple send a reply with one of the filthy messages at got from her and then not respond back for a period of time. I want her to see what it's like to want something but you can't have it. I just hope I don't fall for the trap.

I understand what you're saying, Willis. And the rest of cannot sit here and pretend to know what your situation is and experience will be going forward. That said, it might be worth reflecting on the idea that we have already fallen for the trap so long as we live our lives with the aim of "showing them" that we're dating again, doing well, being happy. When the motivation behind our actions is to make someone realize the stupid mistake they made, we tend to be much more transparent than we think. Dating other women and responding to your ex in a way that "gives her a taste of her own medicine" is manipulative. I'm not stating that as a moral judgment, but merely to suggest to you that your ex might be able to see through these kinds of games much better than you are. As you describe her, she's been manipulative in this way -- likely out of emotional necessity -- most of her life.

As you continue processing your emotions and the whole situation, keep an open mind to the possibility that you will end up playing yourself and feeling much worse if your actions are motivated by showing your ex you don't need her and giving her a taste of her own medicine. If she doesn't contact you, you might end up ruminating on it all and frustrated that you're not getting your revenge. If she does contact you, it will be hard to keep your emotions in check and you might end up hurt worse than ever. Do you really want to give this person so much power over your emotional well-being?

[Willis002]

I'm say this as I'm doing it for myself. I'm not going to be dating someone to just get revenge on on my ex. All I'm really saying is I'm moving on for myself and for her to see that is a bonus. The part I'm really talking about is if she makes contact. I'm saying I will limit my communication with her and let see what it's like. That's all I'm really saying. The moving on part is all for me and has nothing to do with her. Yes, I want her to be aware that she doesn't control me and I can move on. Basically I want her to realize her mistake. If I'm not dating if she contacts me, we'll that might be another story

[rfriesen]

All I'm really saying is I'm moving on for myself and for her to see that is a bonus.

That's great then!

Sorry, I might have misunderstood what you were saying before. What does moving on involve for you now? If you could begin to create the life you really want to live, what would that look like?

[Willis002]

It's all good:)

Moving on entails my hurt and thoughts being almost at zero. That I can go out and date and no feel the pain I feel in the middle of my body. That when I think about her I don't get angry and hurt from what she did to me. That I can just feel sorry for her because I know she really didn't want this to happen. If she could of had it her way we still be together but her disorder will win every time. I'm truly detaching but I honestly do have a small opening for her if certain things were to happen but those things will probably never happen. By the time I think she will contact me I'm sure I'll be moved on and probably with someone. My main concern would be that she would try to ruin my relationship so she can have me all to herself. See she doesn't want me right now. But if she finds out I am back in the games she won't like that. Trust me that will increase the likelyhood of her reappearing in my life. I know it's my choice on what I do from there

[IamGrey]

You're not moving on though. Moving on means not giving a toss what she knows or thinks.

[jasmine-1234]

Jasmine-1234

I'm sorry about your ordeal! I do want a better life. I haven't ruled out if she got the help and treatment she needs that I would reconsider my stance. The crazy thing is she always said I was too good for her. That she has said she is a bad person and that she is toxic and should be alone forever. There's a part of me that doesn't want give up for that girl, but the person she is right now makes that almost easy to do.

I know it's very hard to give up on someone when you can see them hurting so much   Just as she was saying she thinks she's a bad person, it's just sad that they have a very deep hurt that can't seem  to be healed.  I tried so hard to be there for him in every single way, more than anyone else in life.  I was never one to commit and ran away most of the time.  But he hooked me with a ring and talking about how the "universe" brought us together.

Was/is she willing to get help? Does she have self awareness in this way?  My ex knew he was "annoying" and would give me space, like go to a friends house for a while when he saw he was getting on my nerves.  But he never told me he knew he had a personality disorder.

I tried to force him to go to therapy. I made a big list of things I wanted him to do to make the relationship work.  Now I know that was probably too overwhelming for him, but I needed to make some concrete boundaries... .I felt my needs were slipping away.  I guess in a way I'm thankful that it is a chosen relationship. If the BPD person is a family member I imagine it would be more difficult because you would have to be in contact with them. sorry rambling... .

[Willis002]

Idk if she is willing to get help. I know she has done therapy before but she said it didn't work. She does have the self-awareness that she does have an issue and knows what her behavior does. She knows she has BPD. From everything I have gather she probably will come back at some point. It sounds like it could be awhile, but I'm okay with that. I need to build myself up and get stronger than I've ever been before. I'm open to many different scenarios if she does comeback. But I'm not blind to the situation and the possible struggles in the future. I'm currently starting to think of my boundaries and things I need if I decide I want to give it another chance. Idk if I want it but I'm not a person to never say never. For know it's all about me and my life.

[Confused108]

Why do you think she will be back? Does your ex have a track record of coming back to her exs? How long did you date her? Because if your going by what a so called psychic told you about your ex I wouldn't count on that . Besides with all the crap she did to you don't you think you deserve a hell of a lot better then her? Show yourself some love and respect yourself. I know it's hard. I know you love her. Hell we all did or still do that's why we are here. But unless she sticks with therapy and don't believe that for her it didn't work bc these ppl lie so much they wouldn't know the truth if it smacked them in the face. She will never ever get well. And this time let's say she does come back to you. She will land you on your head 100x worse then the last one. So ask yourself this... .is she really worth it?

[Willis002]

I'm just saying it's an option

[rzr14]

Idk if she is willing to get help. I know she has done therapy before but she said it didn't work. She does have the self-awareness that she does have an issue and knows what her behavior does. She knows she has BPD. From everything I have gather she probably will come back at some point. It sounds like it could be awhile, but I'm okay with that. I need to build myself up and get stronger than I've ever been before. I'm open to many different scenarios if she does comeback. But I'm not blind to the situation and the possible struggles in the future. I'm currently starting to think of my boundaries and things I need if I decide I want to give it another chance. Idk if I want it but I'm not a person to never say never. For know it's all about me and my life.

Hi Willis002, I been keeping up with your story and I think we are both trying to do the same for the most part with are exBPD. Trying to wait it out for that next shot to get back in to try and help. I been thinking the same, but I been getting better and realizing all the lies and horrible things my ex has done to me over the years. And one big mystery of was I going to have a kid with her or not and hid it from me at the time when I was painted black(that I didn't realize she maybe lying until I learn about BPD, took me years to figure it out). It something that I probably never get a answer from her that I will have to live with not knowing. I have years of back and forth of cheating, lying, taking my money, stalking, her doing drugs I didn't know about. And I still have the same thoughts has you trying for that one last shot. But I been realizing that I did all I could, this past summer went with her to a t. She just used it to make me the bad guy, or she wouldn't come.

I'm not telling you what to do, I still have strong feelings for my ex. But just realize that, she could do the same to you has my ex did. At least you know now, I was to stupid to see, because she didn't want me to know. She knows and to this day she will not get help, and wants me to save her then throw me out when she is done. That has been my cycle with her for years, there is someone in her I love but, she has destroyed her life to the point it's easier for her to live the way she does use the system, children, their fathers, rehab, family, and me. She has no friends she scared them all off years ago, ones she calls friends are just victims to use to she is done. Like I said not telling you what to do, I would work on yourself first then go from there.