Silent Treatment

[nenarox2]

So, my mom, who has diagnosed BPD started yelling at me for how I raise my son. I turned it around on her and reminded her that how I raise my son is nothing like the things that she said and did to me as a child. (Spoiler Alert, she was verbally and physically abusive when she was in the ranting state)

She started cussing me out and sent several psychotic texts about my husband. She hates men, but my husband has never been anything but nice and respectful to her. I have blocked her on all forums, social media and phone. However, I see this as a cycle that I don't ever see breaking. She has no boundaries when she is like this and will talk to anyone that will listen about how much of a victim that she is.

My questions are. Can you ever have a healthy relationship with someone with BPD that refuses to get help and does not even see her diagnosis as a real problem? What boundaries can you set as an adult with someone with BPD? Do all BPD parents deny the abuse that they inflict?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey nenarox2:  

Sorry about the event with your mom.  Most of us aren't ever going to change the person in our life with BPD (pwBPD), especially if they are in denial and/or won't seek help.  We can only change the way we interact and react.  It never goes well when we react back with anger.  It is tough, because we are all human and it can be hard not to react with emotion.

The strategy you need to use with BOUNDARIES, is that you need to enforce your personal boundaries.  Your mom is generally not going to honor your boundaries.  You will have to take the necessary steps to enforce your boundaries.  

One method to deal with her comments about how you raise your son, it to not react.  If it happens on the phone, you can perhaps say, "Mom, we aren't going to have that conversation.  I need to let you go now".  Similarly, if you are face-to-face, you could make a similar comment and leave the room (or somehow leave her presence).  Sometimes, you may just need to say, "it appears to me that you are having a bad day,  we can talk (see each other, etc.) at another time.

The JADE tutorial could be helpful (don't justify, argue, defend or explain).  Click on the green words. AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS


The links below will take you to some information on strategies that can help.  The BIFF response can be helpful with high conflict people.  SET communication and WISE MIND can be helpful as well.

BIFF RESPONSE

SET

WISE MIND

Perhaps it would be good to start with preparing some boundaries for you to enforce and then try some of the JADE strategy.  I don't mean to overwhelm you with links, but thought I'd give you some things for future learning.  If you go to the links and bookmark them in your browser, it can be a way to save some lessons for future study.

Check out JADE and let us know what you think.


  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Nenarox2,

This must be very frustrating for you. Ignoring boundaries and being verbally abusive is not acceptable, but it is very BPD I’m afraid. You Mom sounds very similar to mine, so I feel for you. It is rare someone your mothers age would be prepared to admit they had anything that has a negative conation such as BPD. It is part of the condition, to project blame away and not accept responsibility for negative behaviour.

But the good news is there are plenty of techniques we can use to minimise and contain the behaviour. Accepting that we can only control our own behaviour is a healthy step forward, so I would recommend looking at some of the techniques (links) Naughty Nibbler has in her post. I have found them very useful. You can set boundaries, it’s just extra hard with a BPD, but it can be done. Because that’s down to  your behaviour and you have total control of that. You may find it helpful to talk over other frustrating or challenging  behaviour here, for validation or feedback. So please feel free to ask as much as you need.

[nenarox2]

Thank you for all of the links. My many questions were what I needed. I have been reading a lot of the posts and am struggling with all of the acronyms. I am so confused! But I am keeping my silent treatment. I have to draw a line because the tirades are awful. Even as an adult, I can see that I was the main vessel for her abuse. Any links for acronyms would be great!

[Naughty Nibbler]

nenarox2:   

It's okay to stay "No Contact" (NC) and remain silent. The articles and lessons are great to use in normal life, even with people without BPD (friends, teammates at work, church, etc.).  If you end up resuming contact, it won't hurt to have a few tools to use.  You can't change your mom, but you can change how you react and interact.

A lot of this information can be a bit overwhelming.  Just take it a step at a time.  One approach is to bookmark some of the lessons, so you can go back to them.  You may want to initially glance over some things and then go back later and focus on one at a time. 

General abbreviations can be found at this link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

Regarding reference to articles/lessons I may have posted earlier, if you click on the "green" words, it will take you to the specific lesson:

A BIFF response, is one that is Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

S.E.T.  is: Support, Empathy and Truth

JADE:  Don't justify, argue, defend or explain