Hopeless and confused.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother is either borderline or narcissistic or both. When I talk to her or interact with her lately, I feel like I am literally going crazy. I feel consumed with rage. I used to be able to interact with her more and even enjoyed her company at times. I was able to overlook certain deficits or ways that she behaved. Over the past couple of years, however, things have gotten steadily worse. She has been hyper-critical and unsupportive at so many times in my life and it feels like it has just all reached a breaking point, like I have just been pushed past the point of no return. What do I owe this woman that I do care about and love, but who makes me feel drained of all desire to live? (I'm not being dramatic. There are times when I talk to her where I wish I was dead, just so that I could escape without the guilt of leaving.) I have mental health issues myself, so I don't deal very well with stress. She doesn't want to hear about my problems and even becomes irritated. She actually said at one point, "I don't want to hear about your mental health issues." Yet, I have spent countless hours over the course of my life (I am 48 years-old) listening to her complain, rant, cry, yell, etc... It has become clear that what she wants is to talk about whatever she wants to talk about and I should just listen and agree and talk about subjects that interest her. In addition, my father has stuck by her and supported our family, paid the bills, brought in dinner and groceries, etc... , for the past several years as she has refused to do anything. He has stayed with her for 52 years, despite her verbal abuse and depression and refusal to do anything. Yet at 78 years old, when he is having some health problems and she is barely functional, she has decided to move out. They bought a place for her to move into and she is all excited about it and wants us to be happy for her too, even though this is clearly just going to make things more difficult. I feel like she is completely self-centered and when she feels criticized, she hits back hard, even with insults, so there is no way to get your point across when there is a problem. I have begged her to go to therapy and a psychiatrist. She won't do it. She did many years ago and had a bad experience and won't go back. I feel like I am dying inside, like this is just making me even sicker, but I don't know what to do, as I am an only child and I feel like I can't leave because they are old and will need my help at some point. She feels more like my child than my mother and I can't stand it. I don't want to be responsible for her but I feel like I can't escape. Is there any solution to this?

[Ecypress]

My mother is either borderline or narcissistic or both. When I talk to her or interact with her lately, I feel like I am literally going crazy. I feel consumed with rage. I used to be able to interact with her more and even enjoyed her company at times. I was able to overlook certain deficits or ways that she behaved. Over the past couple of years, however, things have gotten steadily worse. She has been hyper-critical and unsupportive at so many times in my life and it feels like it has just all reached a breaking point, like I have just been pushed past the point of no return. What do I owe this woman that I do care about and love, but who makes me feel drained of all desire to live? (I'm not being dramatic. There are times when I talk to her where I wish I was dead, just so that I could escape without the guilt of leaving.) I have mental health issues myself, so I don't deal very well with stress. She doesn't want to hear about my problems and even becomes irritated. She actually said at one point, "I don't want to hear about your mental health issues." Yet, I have spent countless hours over the course of my life (I am 48 years-old) listening to her complain, rant, cry, yell, etc... It has become clear that what she wants is to talk about whatever she wants to talk about and I should just listen and agree and talk about subjects that interest her. In addition, my father has stuck by her and supported our family, paid the bills, brought in dinner and groceries, etc... , for the past several years as she has refused to do anything. He has stayed with her for 52 years, despite her verbal abuse and depression and refusal to do anything. Yet at 78 years old, when he is having some health problems and she is barely functional, she has decided to move out. They bought a place for her to move into and she is all excited about it and wants us to be happy for her too, even though this is clearly just going to make things more difficult. I feel like she is completely self-centered and when she feels criticized, she hits back hard, even with insults, so there is no way to get your point across when there is a problem. I have begged her to go to therapy and a psychiatrist. She won't do it. She did many years ago and had a bad experience and won't go back. I feel like I am dying inside, like this is just making me even sicker, but I don't know what to do, as I am an only child and I feel like I can't leave because they are old and will need my help at some point. She feels more like my child than my mother and I can't stand it. I don't want to be responsible for her but I feel like I can't escape. Is there any solution to this?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Ecypress:

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time.  You definitely have a horrible situation to deal with.  What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Are you getting some therapy and/or taking some meds to help your own mental health issues?

For starters, it would be helpful for you to check out the lesson links below:

FOG
BOUNDARIES

Is your mom's new residence an assisted living facility?  :)o your parent's finances allow for hiring some care-taking assistance or separate assisted living situations? You may have to set some boundaries that you will have to enforce.  Trying to help elderly parents at one location can be a tall order.  :)ealing with two locations is an extremely tall order and could be impossible for you, even if mom didn't have BPD.

Other than having your parents at the same location, what would you like to see in regard to your parent's living situation and assistance for them?  What is possible financially?

[Ecypress]

No, she is not going into assisted living, just another house by herself. Honestly, I am sort of at this point where I have been so stressed and worried for so long that I can't even think clearly. The situation is compounded by the fact that I hate the city I live in and I don't feel that I can make a decent life for myself here. I'm OK financially, but it is a very conservative town and social resources are limited. I am in therapy (have been forever) and I do take meds. And I can still barely function. I would like to get back into DBT myself, but the only place it is offered here is the crappy local mental health center. I feel like I am taking meds and going to therapy in order to try and make life work in a place that I can't stand and that seems hopeless. I'm sorry, I know I am sounding really negative and self-defeating. I just don't know where to begin in order to help myself. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to move, LOL. I feel like that too, but again, I don't know where to go or how to organize it where I can still help my parents if they need it. Honestly, I just want to go into the Witness Protection Program.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Ecypress:    

I just don't know where to begin in order to help myself. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to move, LOL. I feel like that too, but again, I don't know where to go or how to organize it where I can still help my parents if they need it. Honestly, I just want to go into the Witness Protection Program.

Start by making a list of possibilities (perhaps use a spreadsheet).  Where are possible places to move, where you are more likely to find a job and adequate social resources?  You may have to take a stand with your parents.  One choice they could make is to find their own home in whatever new city you move to.  You may just have to take a stand.  You have a life to live, and you shouldn't have to wait until your parents pass before living your own life.

You don't have to suffer the consequences of your mom's selfish choices.   If you offer some reasonable choice that could work for all of you (from the prospective of a person without a personality disorder), then you shouldn't feel guilty for not meeting the unreasonable demands of your mom.

Make a dream board (it can be electronic, in some software, or on poster board).  Place pictures of your new city of choice, pictures of activities that are offered there, etc. 

You might find this DBT self-help website of some value to you:
www.dbtselfhelp.com


Have you read any self-help books? You might be interested in these two books:  The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.

You might try some of the things at the links below.  Choose something from the options below and give it a try.  Perhaps you can discuss one or two of the options below with your therapist. 

10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

What do you think about some of the above ideas?  Try a couple and let us know if they are helpful.

[Ecypress]

Thank you very much! I will check those resources out.

[mimi1977]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can completely relate. My mother has been one non stop crisis for the past 20 years and I too am so depleted that I wish sometimes I could just move far far away... .and sadly enough when I've talked with other people who's parents have passed away after dealing with mental illness I feel jealous. I know how awful that sounds trust me. I only recently in the past couple days have mentally (my emotions are still behind) decided that in order to survive and get back to taking care of my immediate family that I need to pretty much cut off my relationship with my mother. This instantly fills me with guilt because she is currently homeless but in my current state of not functioning due to anxiety I am on track to becoming a victim of HER mental illness and I can't let that happen to my kids. Again I have no way of telling you at this point how to break away and save yourself (if you feel that is what you need to do) because I'm not sure how I am going to do it but I do know that having one person in the family suffer is enough and I need to do whatever I can to live again. My mother is only 59 and if I continue to try to save her, worry about her, throw money at her etc, take her verbal attacks etc... .I may be living like this for the next 25-30 years!